Miscellaneous: Today, I got all excited because I thought my crush was flirting...

By SY5623 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I got all excited because I thought my crush was flirting with me, when in actuality she was taking advantage of me liking her so she and her friends could make fun of my speech impediment. FML

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Miscellaneous

Serious times

Vulture

Out of the frying pan

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, my family went out to dinner at a seafood restaurant. While we were eating our food, my grandma demanded to see the manager, and loudly complained that her fish was "too fishy". FML

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34973

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By f__k_it - United States

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

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By ScaryOldMan - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette Hill

Today, I almost died. How? I nearly suffocated after passing out while chewing an entire pack of gum. I should really drink less. FML

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By scarred4life - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

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By nice guys finish last - United States - Smyrna

Today, a kid in class dropped his paper on the floor. I held on to my desk with one hand and reached for the paper with my other hand. I lost balance and tilted both my chair and desk over, nailing the floor as everything on my desk hit the ground with me. He picked the paper up himself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, someone burgled my hotel room. As always, I had locked my passport, extra cash, and other valuables in the closet safe, so I thought the losses would be superficial. What a discovery that the safe hadn't been fastened to the closet shelf, so the thief just picked it up and took it home. FML

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By SariLone - India - Mumbai

Today, my cockgoblin of an ex showed up at my house, begging me to take him back. This guy, with his friends' help, faked being kidnapped just so he could use the "trauma" to guilt me into sleeping with him after he "escaped". When he finally left, he yelled that I'm a selfish bitch. FML

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By omgstfuplz - United States

Today, I was arguing with one of my professors. She said that all married couples fight and I told her that my parents have never argued or fought about anything. When I got home my parents told me that they're getting a divorce. FML

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By Hello Nurse - United States - El Macero

Today, a very attractive man asked me out. I'd have been flattered if I weren't the nurse assigned to his laboring wife. FML

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29267

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By Cano951 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

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30292

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By Hellasboy - Australia - Brisbane

Today, driving to work, I stop to let an old man cross the street. The driver behind me honks their horn, so I decide to drive slow to piss them off. A few turns later, I pull into the car park and notice the other driver following me. She works in the office next to mine. We met the other day. FML

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By artist - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I spent the whole night and day painting a portrait of my girlfriend. Being proud of it, I sent it to her hoping she would appreciate it. I spent hours working on that picture only for her to reply with, "That's not me, is it?" FML

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36788

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By Anonymous

Today, after a long shift, I came home and cleaned my house so I could relax tomorrow. I finished up the night with a soothing bubble bath, which was lovely until the ceiling collapsed into the tub. I can't even wash the filth off because my bath is full of drain-clogging plaster. FML

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2701

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By ADH2000 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

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21783

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By Anonymous

The Crying Game

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

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1491

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213

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By ugh mom!

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, my ridiculously paranoid mom was almost arrested after she caused a huge scene outside her apartment's leasing office. She demanded to pay her rent with a money order, even though they’re only accepting online payments due to the quarantine. She thinks they’re trying to steal her information. FML

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1782

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By samikai523 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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48592

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said, "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML

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39754

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By soupisyummy - United States

Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML

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31220

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By JennieA

Today, I woke up to all 4 of my wheels stolen from my car. The thieves were kind enough to leave the car resting on wooden blocks and bricks. FML

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26986

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By notkatvond - United States

Today, at my job at my tattoo parlor, yet another client offered to pay for his tattoo by "letting" me sleep with him. This client happens to be my boyfriend's best friend, whose girlfriend is having me tattoo his name on her wrist next week. FML

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By fird

Today, my boss made sure to do one last thing before he retired. Fire me. FML

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3960

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284

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By heatherfeather22 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I got into trouble at work because a customer complained about my face tattoo, I don't have a face tattoo but I do have one behind my ear. Nonetheless, I still got written up and had to cover it with a band-aid, which ripped out hair when I took it off. FML

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38157

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to go in the parking lot so we can exchange information. So I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML

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59483

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

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By siamne - 28/3/2021 23:00

Glass half empty

Today, after six months of eating a better diet and exercising every other day, I can now say that I am physically healthier, but the lifestyle changes have done absolutely nothing to help my depression. That was the whole reason I started doing this in the first place. FML

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By svunimportant - United States - Morehead

Today, my daughter cried for ages after finding out that Nick Amaro was written out of Law and Order: SVU. She barely reacted when I told her that her mom and I are getting a divorce. FML

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27199

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By Anonymous - United States - South Burlington

Today, I found out that turkeys can fly. I also found out how much a new windshield costs. FML

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33063

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By Anonymous

Today, the only parking spot available at the supermarket had some shopping carts in it, so I got out of my car and moved them. As soon as I finished, a lady stole the spot. When I confronted her, she maced me with pepper spray and walked off. FML

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5171

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By xswitch74 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

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32468

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By charlieweaver21 - France

Today, I agreed to meet my ex-girlfriend at our favorite restaurant with my hopes high. She just wanted me to meet her new boyfriend. FML

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30997

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the coach bus I was riding almost crashed. I was using the restroom at the time. The bus braked so hard, I peed all over the wall and splashed my shirt. Nobody wanted to sit anywhere near me after that. FML

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20442

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By NYMTS - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

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41266

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By MouserMan - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

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38043

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband laughed at me for farting in the bathtub; I lied by admitting to it. The fact is that I have enough back-fat to create suction against the bathtub. FML

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46005

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By KeysToHappiness - United States - Roseville

Today, I was kayaking with my family for my birthday, when we tipped over while going down a rocky cascade. My husband badly cut up his arm, and my car keys and my phone both went for a swim and never returned. Great birthday. FML

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22371

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By ShittyProposal - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years drunkenly proposed to me, while sitting on the crapper, with the door open. FML

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48183

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By Today

Boo!

Today, in my school's rugby grand final, I had to take a penalty kick to win the game. Possibly the easiest kick I've taken all year. I stuff it up, and it completely missed. A crowd of 2000 people laughed, and later booed me off the field. FML

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1497

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Top comments

By Davids9199 | 14

#6378727 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:40

Dude fuck her and people like that honestly you can do a lot better than that bitch

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6378726 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:40

Sorry for your situation. hope you feel better soon..

COMMENTS

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6378726 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:40

Sorry for your situation. hope you feel better soon..

HerMischief | 21

#6378760 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 12:22

This happened to me once OP. I feel your pain:(

JustinJK | 21

#6378793 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 13:33

Idk why genuinely empathetic and sincere comments are down voted.

HerMischief | 21

#6378883 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:35

This^

FreakyDino98 | 13

#6379645 - Thursday 13 August 2015 6:57

i hope by "feel better soon "you mean his embarrasment and not his impediment because thats a from birth to death kind of thing

By Davids9199 | 14

#6378727 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:40

Dude fuck her and people like that honestly you can do a lot better than that bitch

thawny_fml | 21

#6379168 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 20:27

It's shit like this that leads to school shootings. But seriously, kill them all.

whyme9000 | 12

#6379653 - Thursday 13 August 2015 7:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By KneelToMyPotato | 18

#6378728 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:41

What a horrible person

By HrothgarXII | 21

#6378730 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:44

What an asshole - I'm so sorry OP

By chaseafterwind82 | 29

#6378731 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:45

Wow, what a bitch! Well, at least now OP you know she's not worth your time.

By mikuxxhatsune | 31

#6378732 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:47

What a bitch. She seems like a horrible, rude bitch to use someone to her advantage for her own entertainment. What a bitch.

By CanadiAnM8 | 24

#6378734 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:49

Don't even pay attention to that bitch anymore. That's just wrong.

By aliezzo | 19

#6378735 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:51

People like them deserve a special place in hell

By cocoshake | 16

#6378736 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:51

awe those assholes

By IronMan_Mk43 | 20

#6378737 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:51

That is such a horrible thing to do. I'm so sorry OP, you can do way better.

chuka81 | 27

#6378753 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 12:10

Unfortunately. he wants to do her not Way Better.