Miscellaneous: Today, I got all excited because I thought my crush was flirting...

By SY5623 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I got all excited because I thought my crush was flirting with me, when in actuality she was taking advantage of me liking her so she and her friends could make fun of my speech impediment. FML

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35763

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Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Ambien conversations are the worst

Capitalism kills

By strandedguest - United States

Today, while my friend and I signed the guest-book at a wedding, the drunk guy at our table stole my friend's painkillers and car keys before getting into a cab. Didn't need the painkillers, definitely needed the keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25268

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By Reliena - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were in the shower, we began to get a bit frisky. That was until I lifted my arms and he immediately made one of his "Chewbacca Calls." He was referring to my armpits that I had forgotten to shave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17487

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By MooCow - United States

Today, my best friend told me to face my fear of cows and hop over the fence in with them. This resulted in me being chased by a raging cow, and thrusting myself head first over a fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25502

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37297

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By thebravelittletoaster - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22281

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By hantavirus - United States

Today, I found out that the horrific smell coming from somewhere in my kitchen was a rotting dead mouse in my dishwasher. I have been eating off plates washed in dead-mouse water for the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58784

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

The customer is always an ass

Today, I was yelled at by a customer, who was upset over having waited twenty minutes for a waiter to come take her order. Maybe it would be understandable, if she was sitting in an actual restaurant, and not a serve-yourself coffee house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27275

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By yosenfal - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51212

You deserved it

4025

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By wallet? GONE - United States - Pueblo

Today, I was mugged by a street preacher. The same one who'd earlier in the day screamed at me for being an evil sinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48594

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By mylifeisfcked - United States

Today, I sent out a note to 300 friends saying that I'm having a birthday party in a couple weeks. I asked to please write back if they are interested in going . . . two people answered...They said they can't make it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51670

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By Anonymous - United States - Draper

Today, at the store, I didn't hear the cashier when she asked if I had a loyalty card. She took one look at my naturally bitchy-looking face and muttered "It's my JOB to ask, jeez." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11618

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By holycrap - United States

Today, the bartender pulled me aside and told me that she saw my date slip something into my drink. Who was my date? My husband of four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37703

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By Araya - United Kingdom

Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14248

You deserved it

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By larouche362 - United States - Weare

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I wouldn't make my senior quote, "I love my girlfriend more than anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14816

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1330

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By Sarah_Mow

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public bathroom. As I was about to put the tampon into the sanitary bin, I dropped it and it rolled under the stall next to mine. It was occupied. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11316

You deserved it

1101

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By AJShow80 - United States

Today , I won 20 dollars on a lotto scratch off. My friend, pissed, makes me split the money saying its collateral for the gas money used to get us there. He then uses his 10 dollars on a scratch off, and wins 500 dollars. The jackass wouldnt split it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

123010

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By ANNIEDBD - Ireland - Dublin

Today, a client shouted at me over something that had nothing to do with me. She put such effort into shouting that she farted in my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26934

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2114

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By Ham - United States

Today, I received a letter from my college telling me that my instant tuition was revoked and I’ll have to pay almost twice as much next semester. Yesterday, I received the same letter. I guess they needed to tell me twice. It hurt just as much the 2nd time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3512

You deserved it

222

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By dammitRandy - United States - Kearny

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13930

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By cutthroatkait - United States

Today, I picked up an extra shift at the store. It was also the day the store's ventilation system shut down, resulting in carbon monoxide poisoning for me and two co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42653

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By Goldar - United States

Today, thinking I was alone at work, I did an impression of Goldar from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I turned around to find out I wasn't alone; a cute girl was staring at me, unimpressed. FML

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30865

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By 123alleyesonme - United States - Austin

Today, after losing twenty pounds to please my husband, the only comment I received was, "At least now only your personality sucks." FML

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33795

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By anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14238

You deserved it

1564

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By nen_00 - United States

Today, I realized the guy I've been hooking up with has a daughter who is a year younger than me. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also found out she had a child of her own. I've been hooking up with a grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27199

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By Unappreciated Grandchild - United States - Bel Air

Today, I looked over to see my grandfather looking thoughtfully at me. Feeling flattered because he rarely shows affection, I waved at him. He then said, "I was looking out the window" and continued to stare past my head out of the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20783

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2111

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during our wedding, my wife tried to dodge The Kiss. FML

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56549

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4118

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By SmokedSalmon - United States

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21150

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia - Darwin

Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

542

You deserved it

1735

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By jack

Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31686

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20640

You deserved it

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By imamess - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30871

You deserved it

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By titsmcgee - United States - Oak Brook

Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37079

You deserved it

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By FootinMouth - United States - Louisville

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32414

You deserved it

54439

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By butterfingers - United States - New Wilmington

Today, I dropped a $400 bottle of wine while trying to get the cork out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47187

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, when she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29607

You deserved it

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By klynn267 - United States - Portland

Today, I switched cell phone service providers, hoping to upgrade. After working out the details and picking a phone in the store, I got home to find my brand new cell can't get a signal in my house. I already signed the two year contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24412

You deserved it

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By fml - United States - Huntsville

Really!

Today, after receiving our marriage certificate, I told my wife about it. She responded with "fml". FML

I agree, your life sucks

1736

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By oops - United States - Omaha

Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main valves that run to them. Several sirens soon started blaring at a deafening level. I'm new here and nobody else is around. I don't know how to shut the sirens off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41239

You deserved it

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By Soaked - United States

Today, my family, including my 2 year old niece, went to the zoo. We were at the lion exhibit. I was holding my niece so she could get a better view of the lions. As I was holding her, the lions started to roar. She got so scared that she peed. Her diaper wasn't very absorbent, but my shirt was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32302

You deserved it

4669

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By ghgfd - Canada - Barrie

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

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38761

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Top comments

By Davids9199 | 14

#6378727 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:40

Dude fuck her and people like that honestly you can do a lot better than that bitch

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6378726 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:40

Sorry for your situation. hope you feel better soon..

COMMENTS

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6378726 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:40

Sorry for your situation. hope you feel better soon..

HerMischief | 21

#6378760 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 12:22

This happened to me once OP. I feel your pain:(

JustinJK | 21

#6378793 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 13:33

Idk why genuinely empathetic and sincere comments are down voted.

HerMischief | 21

#6378883 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:35

This^

FreakyDino98 | 13

#6379645 - Thursday 13 August 2015 6:57

i hope by "feel better soon "you mean his embarrasment and not his impediment because thats a from birth to death kind of thing

By Davids9199 | 14

#6378727 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:40

Dude fuck her and people like that honestly you can do a lot better than that bitch

thawny_fml | 21

#6379168 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 20:27

It's shit like this that leads to school shootings. But seriously, kill them all.

whyme9000 | 12

#6379653 - Thursday 13 August 2015 7:11

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By KneelToMyPotato | 18

#6378728 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:41

What a horrible person

By HrothgarXII | 21

#6378730 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:44

What an asshole - I'm so sorry OP

By chaseafterwind82 | 29

#6378731 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:45

Wow, what a bitch! Well, at least now OP you know she's not worth your time.

By mikuxxhatsune | 31

#6378732 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:47

What a bitch. She seems like a horrible, rude bitch to use someone to her advantage for her own entertainment. What a bitch.

By CanadiAnM8 | 24

#6378734 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:49

Don't even pay attention to that bitch anymore. That's just wrong.

By aliezzo | 19

#6378735 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:51

People like them deserve a special place in hell

By cocoshake | 16

#6378736 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:51

awe those assholes

By IronMan_Mk43 | 20

#6378737 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 11:51

That is such a horrible thing to do. I'm so sorry OP, you can do way better.

chuka81 | 27

#6378753 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 12:10

Unfortunately. he wants to do her not Way Better.