Intimacy: Today, I woke up after a dream where I got it good from none...

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 11:23 - Sweden

Today, I woke up after a dream where I got it good from none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger. The problem? I'm a guy, and straight. Apparently my subconscious has a fetish for old Austrian bodybuilders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 954

You deserved it 6 612

Intimacy

Taking stock

You tried

Unreasonable

By Anonymous - 19/09/2010 22:04 - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start, so I had to wait for AAA. Then, hurrying to pick up my brother, I got a $161 speeding ticket. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from him saying he didn't need a ride anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 599

You deserved it 6 734

By Anonymous - 09/03/2017 12:00

Today, I was playing with my hedgehog and he started licking my face. I thought it was super cute, until he latched onto my eyelid with his teeth. He then created a ball of saliva and blood and coated his body in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 781

You deserved it 1 015

By for fuck's sake, gran - 25/07/2015 05:30 - United States - Bainbridge

Today, my grandma and I went shopping. When I picked up some shower gel, she started ranting in front of everyone that shower gel injures one's "lady parts" and causes infertility, and that she wants me to give her great-grandchildren. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 411

You deserved it 1 758

Poor pillow

By Randy Candy - 12/02/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 234

TMI

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 13:00 - United Kingdom - Godalming

Today, I sent a photo of my flat to my mother to show her how tidy I’d made it. What I didn’t realise was that my lube and sex toys were also included in the photo of the bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 2 385

By Momma - 19/06/2010 07:47 - France

Today, my kids thought it would be funny to put pictures of naked men and women as people's ID on my phone. They won't tell me how to change it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 032

You deserved it 30 720

By LT - 07/08/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, the car I was in got pulled over by the police for making an illegal turn. I was in a cab. And he kept the meter running. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 677

You deserved it 2 960

By HURP - 17/06/2015 15:41 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 024

You deserved it 13 095

Uber karma

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 17:01 - Australia - Kenwick

Today, I dropped off my visibly-upset Uber passengers off at a funeral. I absentmindedly said, “Good luck, have fun!” as they got out. Needless to say, I got my first 1-star rating today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 323

You deserved it 973

By quackers - 08/07/2016 07:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 784

You deserved it 1 188

By no life to fuck :/ - 30/08/2013 23:37 - United States - Berkeley

Today, I found out that my grandma is a well-loved member of a notorious biker gang. Meanwhile, I'm a 32-year-old, single, minimum-wage nobody with no friends to speak of. She's probably getting more action than I ever will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 645

You deserved it 6 897

By Anonymous - 28/12/2014 00:22 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line while a lady paid for her shopping, when her credit card got declined. She started ranting and insulting everyone and kept insisting: "I'm not poor!" By the time the lady had finally stormed off, I had spittle on my face, and the cashier was almost in tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 080

You deserved it 2 627

By Anonymous - 02/08/2009 12:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that I have developed an allergy to salt water on my face. Now, every time I sweat or cry, I come up in a bright red rash. I am allergic to my own bodily fluids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 727

You deserved it 3 590

By bluemonday - 17/04/2009 11:47 - Canada

Today, I was having a dream that I was climbing out of a well. While almost out, I felt someone grab my knee; I screamed loud in terror. When I opened my eyes, nearly 25 people were staring at me. The lady across from me apologized for hitting me with her bag. I was on the C-train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 373

You deserved it 7 396

By Neversleepingthereagain - 28/02/2013 19:00 - United States - Manchester

Today, during a sleepover at my friend's house, I woke up in the middle of the night with a dire need to pee. As I walked in the dark to the bathroom, I saw a silhouette in a doorway and instictively screamed. Turns out it was my friend's sister's One Direction cutout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 559

You deserved it 4 911

By Never Again - 09/08/2016 18:17 - United States - Riverhead

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 298

You deserved it 4 250

Organisation rules

By Anonymous - 18/01/2021 02:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, my college is so intent on teaching us teamwork that we hardly ever get to do any assignment by ourselves. Even if we could do it better alone. Even if we spend half our time trying to find a slot where all the team members are free to meet. And of course it’s a different team for each task. FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 69

By Anonymous - 01/08/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't home. It would have been great, except my dad went in my room to put laundry away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 189

You deserved it 405

Caught in 4K

By Anonymous - 09/11/2021 17:00

Today, my wife and I were looking online at the house her piano teacher is selling. When she said, "Oh the bedroom looks much larger with the furniture gone," a long awkward silence followed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 509

You deserved it 119

By anonymous - 15/10/2010 08:05 - Canada

Today, my parents told me I was adopted. I can understand parents waiting for a child to be old enough to understand, but I'm 33 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 312

You deserved it 2 627

By Anonymous - 25/03/2011 03:36 - United States

Today, I'm babysitting three children under the age of seven. They have no discipline, don't listen, scream all the time, won't nap, terrorize my dog, and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today. I am not getting paid for this. Their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 611

You deserved it 9 706

By drewB - 12/08/2019 10:00 - United States

Today, it was my first day being home after doing a 4 and a half month hike through the Appalachian Trail. This evening, I stepped out my front door and directly onto a copperhead snake. It thought my leg was tasty, and I went to the ER for the first time in over 20+ years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 751

You deserved it 124

By HellaBomber91 - 20/11/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 062

You deserved it 40 575

By traitor - 23/04/2013 23:04 - United States - Boston

Today, my ex-boyfriend accepted my mother's offer to have his wedding in our backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 895

You deserved it 4 026

By Anonymous - 07/12/2012 15:30 - United States

Today, I came home to find a mouse in the garage. Frantic, I killed it. My 7-year-old son came home from soccer, and started crying because he couldn't find the class pet, Mr. Whiskers. I killed my son's class pet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 612

You deserved it 18 238

By Sassers - 03/12/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 817

You deserved it 34 937

By WhyIHateTeachers - 25/06/2015 03:49 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 142

You deserved it 9 132

By embarrassed4life - 25/06/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when the girl in the stall next to me started asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was weird but not wanting to be rude, I answered her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on, the girl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 081

You deserved it 15 672

By Demotivation - 23/08/2013 14:12 - Germany

Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about my progress with the baby socks I promised to knit, it's rather unwise to tell her, "Not to worry, we're set even if it comes out with a few feet too many." She's still crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 910

You deserved it 12 610

By anon - 22/05/2015 02:22 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 243

You deserved it 2 151

By anonymous - 17/01/2017 20:00

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go to the bathroom in my dorm. After coming out of the bathroom, I realized I'd let my auto-locking door close behind me. I had to go through the whole dorm, sprint across campus in my bra and underwear, and ask someone for my spare key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 334

You deserved it 1 850

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 04:16 - United States

Today, I had to go pick up my kid, because he threw up while playing at his friend's house. The boy's mother bitched me out for not keeping my son at home while he was "ill". Her breath was unspeakably foul. So foul that it caused me to throw up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 610

You deserved it 4 007

Pissed

By pl. - 03/06/2021 21:59

Today, while on a road trip, I stopped at a gas station and told my kids to go to the restroom. My youngest daughter said, "I had to go earlier, but not anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 137

By kmf - 10/08/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get hot and heavy in my truck at our favorite park. We start going at it and we were both butt naked when I see a car pull into the lot. Not only is it a cop car, but the first thing the cop asks my girlfriend is "Are you being held against your will?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 688

You deserved it 14 128

By snakeboy - 24/08/2009 04:49 - Australia

Today, for the first time in about 3 years, I decided to clean my car. It was going really well until I looked down at what I was about to pick up. On the back seat floor lay a dead snake, which at one point, for god knows how long, was living in my car while I unknowningly drove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 455

You deserved it 47 711

By Anonymous - 05/08/2019 02:02

Today, I pointed out to my manager that I haven’t been paid for my first month's work. They told me my paperwork had been misplaced, so I hadn’t actually been hired yet. So I just worked a full month for free. Oh, and apparently they’re not legally obligated to pay me, so I’m not getting paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 200

You deserved it 161

By Zora - 15/07/2012 23:13 - Norway - Bergen

Today, while shopping, my six-year-old son threw a tantrum because I wouldn't buy him a video game. I ended up having to grab his arm and leave the store. He screamed that I was kidnapping him, at which point I was socked in the face and pinned to the floor by three bystanders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 143

You deserved it 3 752

Instructions

By Anonymous - 31/03/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "What do I do now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 143 294

You deserved it 16 391

By Unloved. - 15/09/2009 10:09 - New Zealand

Today, I had dinner with my family in celebration of my 19th Birthday. I've been hinting that I need a new laptop for months now and I was sure my family had bought me one. I have got a pair of slipper socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 990

You deserved it 9 704

By failure - 28/06/2009 01:00 - Australia

Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I would like to play the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said no thanks, to which the kid responded 'but there is nobody else ugly enough.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 274

You deserved it 4 357

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

rldostie 19

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 19:22

Maybe you're not as straight as you think.

JessieMongoose 11

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 19:20

LMAO.

JessieMongoose 11

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 19:20

LMAO.

nathan5 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 19:21

i second that

starile 19

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 19:38

Who the hell WOULDN'T wanna get with the Terminator? Oh wait. Straight guys.

iSitt 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 21:01

the governor had boobgate a few years ago. maybe you could grow some moobs.

zkchild 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 21:16

Sounds like you would like to get marked for termination.

brianjman14 22

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 21:57

Well, I had a dream last night where I got it good from Ganondorf. Is that weird, too?

slatter 1

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 22:26

I'm sorry but arnie is like Demi-god, he's so manly that this is actually the straightest dream you can have

ShadyFTW1 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 22:38

Doin it with a robot isn't gay, just weird

AgeOfAquariusss 7

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 23:29

I had a dream about Hugh Jackman once... then again, I'm a straight female, which makes it an LML :D

luvyah 0

Send a private message

Sunday 5 December 2010 2:31

Ummmmmmm no wonder no 1 else commented. T-T

sloppyflow 1

Send a private message

Sunday 5 December 2010 7:13

the problem is. was the Arnold in his dream the good young ripped Arnold or the old saggy Arnold. :S

KennKenn 0

Send a private message

Sunday 5 December 2010 7:23

"I am a sophisticated sex robot sent back in time to change the future for one lucky girl"

MRiKiCCS 0

Send a private message

Sunday 5 December 2010 9:51

^ lol.. or a fag dreaming about guys... lol

FailVader 0

Send a private message

Monday 6 December 2010 5:44

He'll be back.

ericownz101 0

Send a private message

Monday 6 December 2010 7:54

95- american pie 2 ftw (;

KennKenn 0

Send a private message

Monday 6 December 2010 14:18

It's also in AP1, isn't it?

ledgehanger 0

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 18:38

58 I have dreams were I give it good to Zelda

PopRocks14 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:13

I love your description on your info :D

alfakennybody 10

Send a private message

Friday 4 January 2013 4:13

Ur as straight as a bendy straw

king4209 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 19:22

he's from Germany!!!!lmao

swimmerstud 7

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 20:13

you're wrong. he's from Austria

Zebidee 8

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 21:00

It didn't occur to you to even check that first?

im_wilder 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 21:56

couldn't you atleast google it? or do you got an IQ of a crackhead? :P

AllStarHockey 0

Send a private message

Sunday 5 December 2010 10:23

he's from Austria lol fail..

NostalgiaFreak9 40

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 March 2015 11:29

Hey pal, you just blow in from stupid town?

rldostie 19

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 19:22

Maybe you're not as straight as you think.

bebacklater 0

Send a private message

Sunday 5 December 2010 10:18

agreed :)

zna_fml 0

Send a private message

Monday 6 December 2010 4:03

dido!!

oliver86 8

Send a private message

Monday 6 December 2010 10:52

dildo maybe?

ItalianChaos 14

Send a private message

Saturday 21 December 2013 3:55

This FML sounds like the beginning of a cliche yaoi.

TerrorDollie 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 December 2010 19:26

XD Lol! A dream is a wish! If you think you "had it good" with him them maybe you should reconsider your sexuality.

Bloxygen 0

Send a private message

Sunday 5 December 2010 12:46

it is not necessarily a wish it could be a fear, because ur sub conscious deals with both.

RedPillSucks 31

Send a private message

Monday 6 December 2010 4:04

If it was a fear, would he think he "got it good"?

bizarre_ftw 21

Send a private message

Monday 10 October 2011 1:17

To get it good doesn't always mean it was good. In this FML he was probably stating he was fucked good and hard/proper/fast/deep/etc...? Take your pick