Intimacy: Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

That took a dark turn…

Fundies say the darndest things

By Anonymous - 25/4/2021 11:01

Yellow

Today, a friend of mine has stopped brushing his teeth, because, "animals don’t brush their teeth either." You know what else animals don’t do? Smoke a pack of Marlboros a day. FML

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By unnamed - United States

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

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By flyakite29 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came home and announced that she'd just bought a $40 pair of flipflops. She then declared that I wouldn't be getting a birthday gift this year due to budget shortfalls. For hers a month prior, I'd got her a $300 piece of jewelry. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding in my friend's car. We passed by a group of cute guys standing by the curb with their skateboards so we slowed down to whistle at them. We then noticed the ambulance taking their friend away on a stretcher. FML

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By tessamarque - United States - Bartlesville

Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

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By not a brain cell in sight - United States - Muskegon

Today, my best friend called me a moron for disputing her belief that Canada is in South America. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I decided to do a little shopping at Victoria's Secret. The woman at the register smiled and asked, "Got a special someone to impress?" I told her that my boyfriend of three years was in town for New Year's and we haven't seen each other in months. Then I went home to my four cats. FML

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By Sad - United States

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me, a coworker, and my manager were looking at random advertisements. One ad was a picture of three fishes. My coworker named the three fishes what I thought were completely random names. I said "those are stupid names." Turns out those are my manager's kid's names. FML

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By tina - Canada

Today, I ran into my boyfriend at the mall, the same boyfriend that told me he was taking a family vacation to Mexico. FML

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By ellabellabooboo - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I mentioned to my mum that one of my friends is pregnant. She decided I was lying, that I'm the one who's actually pregnant, and that I'm going to get checked out by a doctor. FML

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By lovely - Netherlands

Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML

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By Brinty - Australia

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was using my phone while in a crowded waiting room, and I accidentally tapped on a YouTube video with the volume still at maximum. The first words everyone heard? "Fuck her right in the pussy!" FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 18/11/2020 13:02 - United States - West Bend

Tree trunks

Today, I shaved my legs. It's been so long since I've shaved that my razor broke. FML

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By fxck - South Africa - Durban

Today, while walking home, I passed some guy loudly whining that foreign imports are destroying our economy, and that we should all be deported. When I pointed out that the mobile phone in his hand was clearly a Samsung, he turned bright red and punched me in the gut. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 14:01

No excuse

Today, I missed my chance to see my mum for the last time because my son is such a selfish druggie, he couldn’t be bothered to stay sober long enough to pass on the message from the hospital that she was deteriorating fast, and likely only had a few hours left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

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By Bernadette

Today, I was entering a guy's number into my phone, and I couldn't remember his name. Embarrassed, I tried to be sneaky and asked, "Can you spell your name for me, please?" His name is Bob. FML

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By AmericanAlien - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I've been waiting for a very important document in the mail. It has been two months. I reviewed my application and realized I forgot to put a mailing address down. FML

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By Nofoodcoloringisnotasubstituteforfood - United States - West Bend

Today, my 13-year-old daughter excitedly told me about a new diet she read about online. Apparently, the diet entirely consists of bottled water and a mixture of food coloring. The food coloring "takes care of all that vitamin and mineral stuff." My daughter is an idiot. FML

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By anomynous - 5/4/2021 05:00

Freaked out

Today, my workplace replaced all of the toilets in the store with automatic toilets. I have an anxiety disorder, and I can't use them. FML

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By ThePidgeon - United Kingdom

Today, I was ordering food at McDonalds when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

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By TordNorski - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes in to training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

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By KiwiBlam - New Zealand

Today, I was racing some mates to the beach and I decided to take a short-cut by jumping over a low wall. I didn't realise the wall was to stop people falling into the stormwater drain. Which is 3 metres deep. And has razor-sharp oysters growing at the bottom. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Latrobe

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl hit on me. Specifically, a lesbian who thought I was a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, when I stopped at a light, I tossed a banana peel into a field along the side of the road. The man behind me got out of his car, picked up the banana peel and threw it back into my car at me. When I tried to tell him it was biodegradable, he told me to "stop making up words." FML

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By grounded - United States

Today, I went to dinner to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I received a text message, so I pulled out my phone to check. Apparently, his parents have a "No phone at the table rule" and took my phone away until I can learn "proper table manners." FML

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By VoiceMail - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

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By Gameless Guy - United States

Today, I learned just how much change a toddler can stuff in to a Nintendo Wii. I also learned that those things are put together with special screws. FML

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By soon to be unemployed - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my boss let me know that I'm being laid off, via a text message that ended in "lmao". FML

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By Ruby Lore

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to go fishing together, but he said he was busy with errands. Later, in a casual conversation with my friend, she opened up her phone to show me pictures of her fishing with my dad. FML

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By Nice guy finishing last.

Today, I saw a girl I have a crush on sitting on a fountain, away from everyone. I thought this would be the perfect time to make a move on her. I tapped her on the shoulder, which scared her. She nervously flenched and began to piss herself. FML

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By vishuzzbabe77 - United States

Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML

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By anonymiss - Canada

Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my toddler stood up in a shopping cart and fell, giving himself a black eye. Later, while at a restaurant, he tried to stand up in his high-chair. I quickly blurted out, "Sit down! Do you want another one of those?" while pointing at his eye. The waiter wouldn’t stop glaring at me. FML

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By jsquared - United States

Today, my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. Everyone else thinks it's me. FML

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By sheisselluv - Germany - Gera

Today, was my first day of work in my life. I was excited, and so was my dad, who saw me to the door and ruffled my hair as he wished me luck. I didn't notice until half an hour after arriving at work that he'd stuck his gum in my hair. Nobody bothered to tell me. FML

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By Iguana - Canada - Oromocto

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML

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Top comments

By bipolarchipmunk | 0

#53481 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:24

you should have said "fuck you bitch, I'm right handed!"

By ohhboyy | 0

#53487 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

slap him in the face with ur left hand see how he likes it

COMMENTS

By bipolarchipmunk | 0

#53481 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:24

you should have said "fuck you bitch, I'm right handed!"

Reply

iarediana | 0

#506257 - Saturday 22 August 2009 2:53

im with ya! (:

Reply

Clare420 | 0

#1025564 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 22:07

haha I agree with 1

Reply

ijustreadem | 0

#1210040 - Monday 9 August 2010 2:22

ahaha, that's hilarious

Reply

brandonlee69 | 5

#2311891 - Friday 8 April 2011 2:37

hahahahahahahaha

Reply

EPICROCKERNINJA | 8

#3186554 - Saturday 27 August 2011 6:26

Haha

Reply

SWIGER | 1

#3460916 - Thursday 20 October 2011 11:07

Should have said "Actually i get action from my left hand and right hand and your mom's right hand and left hand. YEAH, it is that big."

By This_Guy | 0

#53484 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

Lol #1, I was just going to say that.

By cyberhoy | 3

#53486 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

lol at least i get action from both hands

Reply

megalan | 0

#799142 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:17

very sad

Reply

sKarpunch | 0

#3734360 - Thursday 15 December 2011 14:31

One for tweezers one for a magnifying glass amirite? XD

By ohhboyy | 0

#53487 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

slap him in the face with ur left hand see how he likes it

Reply

TehBearJew | 0

#1020728 - Saturday 5 June 2010 19:01

Win.

Anyways, you should have said,"Your right, but you can be my partner." Reaction would be priceless.

Reply

noseasmamon | 0

#1251480 - Monday 16 August 2010 9:56

John Marston!!!!!!! for the fucking win!!!!!!!

By JeanNe91 | 0

#53490 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:26

get fleshlight.

By streetpattern | 0

#53491 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:26

I use my right hand.

Reply

xXjakalXx | 0

#2187052 - Wednesday 16 March 2011 2:42

I use both bitch!

Reply

paigexox0 | 37

#6132722 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 7:44

Cool it, jesse

By goodtimesx2 | 0

#53517 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:30

what little assholes. you shoulda said that you don't have sex on a bed. maybe on a couch or on the coffee table ;)

By karleigh | 0

#53518 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:30

#1 ftw

By amirn86 | 0

#53522 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:31

#1 AND #3 FTW
#8 too, just for saying it before me

By Syn_fml | 0

#53530 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:32

Well....are they sturdy enough?

Reply

Thabb | 0

#987732 - Monday 3 May 2010 1:53

FYL!