Intimacy: Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

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Dangling modifier

True hero

Ambien conversations are the worst

By Bisounours - France

Today, I went to see the new Harry Potter movie with my boyfriend. Feeling an intense need to pee, he decided to sacrifice a few minutes of the movie before the highly-anticipated final combat to get some relief. He went through the wrong door, locking himself out. Right until the end. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

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By CRWMEN - United States

Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out that I'm highly-placed in my wrestling competition this year. I also found out that I have mono and won't be able to take part for at least the first half of the competition. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, at over 9 months pregnant, I woke up to a wet bed. Convinced my water broke, I woke up my husband and had him drive me to the hospital at 3am. The nurse told me my water was fine, I had just peed the bed. FML

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By Traveler

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

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By mandosfriend - United States - Pomona

Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML

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By Faithful - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he'll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML

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By mary - United Kingdom

Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said "of course," reached into my handbag, and gave him the lighter. He stared at me for a few seconds until I realised I'd given him a tampax. FML

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By Lolrus - Qatar

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML

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By ew - United States - Pickens

Today, my dad got dressed up in formal clothes, and I asked what the occasion was. He said he had a hot date, which would've been fine if he hadn't told me what was "on the menu", namely "wining, dining, sixty-nining". Thanks for that image. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Bend

Today, my mother bitched me out for filing divorce papers against my abusive husband. According to her, it's a "slap in God's face". She's the one who's divorced two husbands so far because they weren't getting job promotions fast enough to support her hoarding habit. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my pre-teen brother has started using the entire Axe line because he believes that it will give him an "edge with the ladies". He insists on using the products at least three times a day, including before bedtime. I'm allergic to anything that is perfumed. We share a room. FML

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By got any coupons? - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML

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By jibjab - Canada

Today, I have a degree in electrical engineering, my wife was doing a crossword and asked me what are the units of capacitance, I couldn't remember. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stopped at a yellow light. The guy behind me did not. He had no insurance. FML

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By Experience - United States - Waynesfield

Today, my dad opened a Chinese fortune cookie that read, "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." Now he won't stop calling me Experience. FML

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By BigBangrocksthenight - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. Things got kind of heated, so he decided to take off my bra. They cooled back down when a bug flew out. FML

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By kiwi2323 - United States

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 20:01

She's lost control again

Today, I had an unexpected sneezing fit and drove my car through 2 trees and a fence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nevada

Today, I gave my daughter the sex talk. Barely 10 minutes later, her public Facebook status read: "My mom's a total pedo." and after she mentioned the talk, her friend posted, "That's sexual harassment. You can sue for that." Clearly I've failed as a parent. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 08:00

Not so special

Today, the guy I've been dating and sleeping with told me he is also dating another woman, but that they only kiss. I was under the impression we were exclusive for two months now, since I told him if we slept together that it would be. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was telling my girlfriend about how my parents are flying out to Japan today on vacation. She was shocked at how short the flight will be, because "It's on the other side of the world." We live in the USA, and it seems I'm dating a Flat Earther. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding in my friend's car. We passed by a group of cute guys standing by the curb with their skateboards so we slowed down to whistle at them. We then noticed the ambulance taking their friend away on a stretcher. FML

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By Victor - 24/12/2020 14:02

It's a holly jolly Christmas…

Today, I usually take my daughter to daycare; my wife had to drop her daughter off at 8. The kid refused to get up, making them late. Wife argues with me, claiming I made her late. She said hurtful things and left late at 8:30. We haven't spoken and probably won't for the rest of Christmas week. I love Christmas. FML

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By I'll Make You FartCum - United States - San Francisco

Great handle!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 05:00

Fixed

Today, my husband, who repairs appliances for a living, repaired our dryer. One lot of wet clothes later, it caught fire and ruined the laundry room. FML

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By issue

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

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By Takegami - United States - Norge

Today, I realized how alone I truly was when I caught myself talking to a podcast. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - France

A for effort

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was emailing a government employee at the place I'm hoping to get hired by. I realized too late I had been emailing her with my personal email address, which is rather jokey and unprofessional. She noticed and started referring to me as that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, sun was shining and I felt confident enough to go sunbathing at the beach. In only my bikini and towel, I laid out to get some sun. A while later, a little girl came up to me and said, "Aren't you embarrassed that you're so huge?" FML

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By LucidNightmare - United States - Englewood

Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML

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By annoymous - Australia - Glenroy

Today, it was the first time I was meeting my guy's parents. Turns out he forgot it was his mum's birthday and I ended up having to meet his whole family. FML

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By rawkdinosawr - United Kingdom

Today, I had a massive argument with my boyfriend in which he called me stupid repeatedly. I stomped out of his house and sent a very angry text to my best friend about him. She didn't text back. Then my boyfriend texted. 'My girlfriend is so stupid she can't even text the right number.' FML

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By LaundryVictim

Today, I picked up my laundry from the wash-and-fold and proceeded to put everything away. I noticed a hand towel that wasn't mine and made a mental note to return it; turned out they'd given me someone else's boxers as well. My boyfriend doesn't believe me. FML

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By Lara - Italy - Empoli

Today, my boyfriend told me he still has the key to our mailbox, while being at the other part of the country. Not to worry though, he sent it over. By mail. FML

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Top comments

By bipolarchipmunk | 0

#53481 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:24

you should have said "fuck you bitch, I'm right handed!"

By ohhboyy | 0

#53487 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

slap him in the face with ur left hand see how he likes it

COMMENTS

By bipolarchipmunk | 0

#53481 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:24

you should have said "fuck you bitch, I'm right handed!"

Reply

iarediana | 0

#506257 - Saturday 22 August 2009 2:53

im with ya! (:

Reply

Clare420 | 0

#1025564 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 22:07

haha I agree with 1

Reply

ijustreadem | 0

#1210040 - Monday 9 August 2010 2:22

ahaha, that's hilarious

Reply

brandonlee69 | 5

#2311891 - Friday 8 April 2011 2:37

hahahahahahahaha

Reply

EPICROCKERNINJA | 8

#3186554 - Saturday 27 August 2011 6:26

Haha

Reply

SWIGER | 1

#3460916 - Thursday 20 October 2011 11:07

Should have said "Actually i get action from my left hand and right hand and your mom's right hand and left hand. YEAH, it is that big."

By This_Guy | 0

#53484 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

Lol #1, I was just going to say that.

By cyberhoy | 3

#53486 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

lol at least i get action from both hands

Reply

megalan | 0

#799142 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:17

very sad

Reply

sKarpunch | 0

#3734360 - Thursday 15 December 2011 14:31

One for tweezers one for a magnifying glass amirite? XD

By ohhboyy | 0

#53487 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

slap him in the face with ur left hand see how he likes it

Reply

TehBearJew | 0

#1020728 - Saturday 5 June 2010 19:01

Win.

Anyways, you should have said,"Your right, but you can be my partner." Reaction would be priceless.

Reply

noseasmamon | 0

#1251480 - Monday 16 August 2010 9:56

John Marston!!!!!!! for the fucking win!!!!!!!

By JeanNe91 | 0

#53490 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:26

get fleshlight.

By streetpattern | 0

#53491 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:26

I use my right hand.

Reply

xXjakalXx | 0

#2187052 - Wednesday 16 March 2011 2:42

I use both bitch!

Reply

paigexox0 | 37

#6132722 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 7:44

Cool it, jesse

By goodtimesx2 | 0

#53517 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:30

what little assholes. you shoulda said that you don't have sex on a bed. maybe on a couch or on the coffee table ;)

By karleigh | 0

#53518 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:30

#1 ftw

By amirn86 | 0

#53522 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:31

#1 AND #3 FTW
#8 too, just for saying it before me

By Syn_fml | 0

#53530 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:32

Well....are they sturdy enough?

Reply

Thabb | 0

#987732 - Monday 3 May 2010 1:53

FYL!