Sex, Wanker and Intimacy: Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors....

By Anonymous - 23/03/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asked, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouted, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109 060

You deserved it 11 814

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Same thing different taste

What a jerk!

By traumatized house keeper - 08/09/2017 13:00 - Germany - Munster

Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 472

You deserved it 427

Get in there!

By Menareidiots - 24/02/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 816

You deserved it 22 722

By Arizonagirl - 06/11/2016 07:31 - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed, because apparently hers is "for sleeping only". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 318

You deserved it 840

By anonymous - 08/01/2015 19:10 - United States - Noblesville

Today, after getting into bed, I found a used condom under my covers. I asked my roommate about it. She freely admitted that since my bed was comfier than hers, she had sex with her boyfriend on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 131

You deserved it 3 368

Screwing

By ThanksMom - 26/03/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 104 597

You deserved it 9 210

By Eeeek - 26/08/2010 21:17 - Bulgaria

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex in a rarely used room at school. We got carried away and found ourselves locked in. We slept there overnight. We woke up when the cleaning lady found us the next morning and were greeted by worried parents and school staff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 128

You deserved it 52 910

Great

By Jordan - 10/08/2018 14:00 - United States - Boulder

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I'm into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 994

You deserved it 196

By lonelyguy321 - 27/07/2010 14:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to bed with three hot, half-naked girls beneath me. I was in the bunk above. Alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 269

You deserved it 16 594

Perfect?

By NeverGonnaGetAny - 23/02/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. He replied, "Nothing. You're one of the guys now." They all agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 789

You deserved it 24 045

By awkward O_o - 24/04/2013 21:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 799

You deserved it 4 923

bipolarchipmunk 0

Monday 23 March 2009 23:24

you should have said "**** you bitch, I'm right handed!"

ohhboyy 0

Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

slap him in the face with ur left hand see how he likes it

Comments

bipolarchipmunk 0

Monday 23 March 2009 23:24

you should have said "**** you bitch, I'm right handed!"

iarediana 0

Saturday 22 August 2009 2:53

im with ya! (:

Clare420 0

Wednesday 9 June 2010 22:07

haha I agree with 1

ijustreadem 0

Monday 9 August 2010 2:22

ahaha, that's hilarious

brandonlee69 5

Friday 8 April 2011 2:37

hahahahahahahaha

EPICROCKERNINJA 8

Saturday 27 August 2011 6:26

Haha

SWIGER 1

Thursday 20 October 2011 11:07

Should have said "Actually i get action from my left hand and right hand and your mom's right hand and left hand. YEAH, it is that big."

This_Guy 0

Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

Lol #1, I was just going to say that.

cyberhoy 3

Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

lol at least i get action from both hands

megalan 0

Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:17

very sad

sKarpunch 0

Thursday 15 December 2011 14:31

One for tweezers one for a magnifying glass amirite? XD

ohhboyy 0

Monday 23 March 2009 23:25

slap him in the face with ur left hand see how he likes it

TehBearJew 0

Saturday 5 June 2010 19:01

Win. Anyways, you should have said,"Your right, but you can be my partner." Reaction would be priceless.

noseasmamon 0

Monday 16 August 2010 9:56

John Marston!!!!!!! for the ******* win!!!!!!!

JeanNe91 0

Monday 23 March 2009 23:26

get fleshlight.

streetpattern 0

Monday 23 March 2009 23:26

I use my right hand.

xXjakalXx 0

Wednesday 16 March 2011 2:42

I use both bitch!

paigexox0 37

Tuesday 2 December 2014 7:44

Cool it, jesse

goodtimesx2 0

Monday 23 March 2009 23:30

what little assholes. you shoulda said that you don't have sex on a bed. maybe on a couch or on the coffee table ;)

karleigh 0

Monday 23 March 2009 23:30

#1 ftw

amirn86 0

Monday 23 March 2009 23:31

#1 AND #3 FTW #8 too, just for saying it before me

Syn_fml 0

Monday 23 March 2009 23:32

Well....are they sturdy enough?

Thabb 0

Monday 3 May 2010 1:53

FYL!

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my parents told me that unless I think about my behaviour and make some real changes, people are going to think I’m weird or suspicious, and I’ll never make friends. This is because I choose to attend church on Sundays instead of watching TV and getting drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 360

You deserved it 259

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 872

You deserved it 4 683

The Top

Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 957

You deserved it 468

Today, on my break, I decided to be friendly and chat with a co-worker that everyone else always seems to avoid. He spent the next ten minutes telling me all about his abcessing sebaceous cysts. Apparently, "The scars look just like gunshot wounds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 109

You deserved it 5 619

Today, in the break room at work, I was looking through my email on my phone about my Amazon orders. There was a suggested product that looked like a dildo. I turned around to see my boss behind me glancing at my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 061

You deserved it 283

Today, I realised that I keep both Naruto collecting cards and a condom in the same pocket of my wallet. Nothing says sexy quite like dropping a bunch of Gaara cards before getting it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 324

You deserved it 1 158

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm "high maintenance." I'd only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth. He hasn't had a shower in over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 234

You deserved it 6 079

Today, I had to teach my 13-year-old sister that sugar and salt don't, "cancel each other out to make the taste neutral". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 827

You deserved it 721

Same thing different taste

What a jerk!

Get in there!

Screwing

Great

Perfect?

Top comments

Comments