Today, my parents told me they were going out for dinner tonight....

By unloved - 23/3/2009 18:34 - United States

Today, my parents told me they were going out for dinner tonight. I jokingly responded "Sweet! I am totally having a keg party then!" My dad responded "Keg parties are only for kids who have friends." He was serious. FML

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Miscellaneous

Goodbye Bill

In my day…

Mixed signals

By fartmaster - 22/4/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I was in a tour group going through a cave and our guide stopped, turned off the lights, and told us to be quiet so we could feel absolute silence. I farted. FML

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By Nathan - 17/1/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, I printed my 10 page econometrics problem set questions out on $15/100 sheet ivory resume paper that I'd accidentally left in the paper tray on my printer. It turned out to be the wrong assignment. FML

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By dramaqueen15 - 16/10/2015 02:38

Today, I was working out in the gym when a fitness trainer came up to me and said it wasn't safe to be exercising while this far along in a pregnancy. I was too ashamed to tell them that I'm not pregnant, so I went along with it. Time to find a new gym. FML

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By Wilf - 22/2/2013 15:48 - Australia - Perth

Today, the arts company I work for cancelled our 8 pm sold-out outdoor performance at 7:30 due to rain, and will have to reticket 550 patrons. I'm the only person in the office trained in ticketing. It stopped raining 10 minutes after we cancelled it. FML

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By Sandman2015 - 29/1/2016 18:36 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I flew to see the guy that I've been in love with for 3 years. We spent the day at Walmart. To buy a plunger. After I blocked up the toilet. FML

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By smooth - 21/11/2013 16:10 - United States

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2012 02:08 - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

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By "mindy12182" - 29/12/2018 17:00 - United States - Des Moines

Today, while doing my disabled client's makeup I got my period. I'm hoping that she didn't notice a red stain on her white bedspread when I stood up. FML

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By sofuckingembarassing. - 11/2/2013 19:19 - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

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By ringmaster101 - 4/3/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after a long and painful divorce. The shop owner took one look at it and called the cops because I tried to sell him a diamond ring that had been stolen from him 3 years ago. My ex-husband left the country a week ago. FML

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By Foureyes - 23/8/2009 13:29 - Australia

Today, my mother and father are insisting that I go on a date with a German exchange student they met at the weekend. Why? Because we have similar glasses. FML

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By in big trouble - 23/8/2014 12:28 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had an argument with my boss and tried to text a friend about it. I accidentally texted my boss instead. FML

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By Jim - 12/4/2018 01:30

Today, I dropped my car off at the dealership for a bumper replacement due to a hit and run in a parking lot. After being told it was ready, their shuttle picked me up, and backed up into my just-replaced bumper. FML

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By userrrrr - 18/10/2009 02:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's idea of "washing her feet" is sticking her foot in the toilet and flushing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2011 19:03 - United States

Today, my bladder decided to empty itself while I was on a rollercoaster. FML

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By Crazy Crazy Crazy - 13/9/2013 00:01 - Canada - Burlington

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three years before we even met. FML

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By - 30/12/2009 11:16 - France

Today, after going to college for 5 years to become an architect I discover my plumber makes more than I do. FML

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By koolkat9 - 22/12/2014 19:11 - United States - Albion

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

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By itwaswarm - 25/9/2015 21:04 - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I was peeing at a urinal, when the man next to me finished up and shook his penis. I got splashed. FML

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By GoldenShower - 25/6/2009 10:17 - United States

Today, I was awoken by my son squirting liquid on me from a bottle. We have a high deer population in our area, so I spray urine contained in black bottle on my plants to help deter the deer from eating them. I also water my flowers with water from a blue bottle. My son used the black one. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 16 year old daughter. There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. I yelled to him to "get it up!" so that he would do a wheelie. Just before the light turned green he yelled back, "You're too old for me, but I'll get it up for her!" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 21:57 - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was taken to the principal's office and bitched out about the dangerous weapon I brought to school. The "weapon" was a pocket fan. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2018 19:00

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

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By Ahook1 - 23/8/2010 23:31 - Australia

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

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By myjobsucks - 13/12/2011 02:15 - Australia

Today, I found out that I'm working on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I'm spending my favourite time of the year working for $8.70 an hour. At McDonald's. FML

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By - 17/4/2019 14:00

Today, while working at a grocery store, I spent about 30 minutes pushing carts inside in a blizzard. Not even 10 minutes after I had finished, I looked out the window and saw that not only had the snow completely stopped, but the sun was shining. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 01:31 - United States - Danbury

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

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By niceboss - 25/11/2010 02:32 - Singapore

Today, on my first day of work, my new boss treated me to lunch. Thinking she was really nice, I thanked her for the treat. She fixed me with a cold, unsmiling stare and said, "Oh, don't thank me. I'm being paid to do this." FML

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By Juanald - 5/11/2017 05:00

Today, after being moved to three different employer-provided apartments because they all had mold and electrical problems, I requested a bigger bed. The bed they delivered had bedbugs. FML

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By tickyette - 14/9/2010 07:27 - United States

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 20:01

Childlike

Today, I asked my fiance for some attention. He licked my cheek and attached himself to my leg. He's 34 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2016 16:55 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, my dad and I ran into a guy I've been dating. He flipped out and accused me of cheating on him. This is now the second guy to have a similar reaction to my dad. I guess this is one of those unexpected consequences of teen pregnancy that my parents didn't see coming. FML

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By Maggie123 - 14/9/2009 05:07 - Canada

Today, I was taking my morning pills. There had been a lot of fruit flies in my house lately. I grabbed a cup of water beside to sink to wash the pills down. As soon as I tasted the drink, I realized it was vinegar and dish soap used to trap the flies. I washed my pills down with dead flies. FML

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By blah - 19/1/2016 20:53 - United States - Frisco

Today, I found out my father didn't have a rare brain disease, and that he was just an alcoholic. I've been taking care of him every time his "brain disease" acts up, for 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2016 06:33

Today, my father told me that it wasn't that I was written out of his will, it's that he never thought to include me in the first place. FML

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By peteswentzbass - 26/1/2013 17:18 - Netherlands - Nuenen

Today, my roommate and I noticed a foul smell in our apartment. After looking around for a little while, I found that her cat had pooped on a pair of my jeans, and apparently tried to cover it up by dragging a shirt over the mess. FML

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By fmlpanda - 29/5/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. It was going well until our braces got caught. Out of pain, I tried to pull away, which made my eyes water. Then I sneezed in his mouth. FML

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By Benchthewarmer - 8/7/2009 05:49 - United States

Today, I had a basketball game against our rivals. Since the starting guard had a broken ankle, I felt happy that I could finally get playing time and prove that I'm good. Instead I had to run the scoreboard for the game, because the scoreboard guy was absent. FML

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Top comments

By amirn86 | 0

#53493 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:26

At least he didn't object to the party!

By ohhboyy | 0

#53525 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:32

I love how parents are so straight up to their kids

COMMENTS

By amirn86 | 0

#53493 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:26

At least he didn't object to the party!

Blame_The_Dog | 0

#1047328 - Monday 28 June 2010 19:51

who replied to #1 to be on top? I DID...giggity...

YDI for having no friends, bitch

By XxGivesMEhellxX | 0

#53494 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:27

You should have thrown a wild kegger and trash the house, just to prove him wrong [:

[first!]

wowthatshorrible_fml | 0

#1320113 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:35

Haha fail you're second.

abasio | 1

#2855672 - Saturday 9 July 2011 13:54

but he has no friends :(

happy2468 | 21

#3082997 - Thursday 11 August 2011 5:11

OP is a girl

jamesheat11 | 14

#5636231 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 21:35

How do you know? It doesn't say

teentee401 | 36

#5972159 - Wednesday 11 June 2014 15:53

actually it does. Top left corner

By cyberhoy | 3

#53496 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:27

he's right

By ohhboyy | 0

#53525 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:32

I love how parents are so straight up to their kids

By karleigh | 0

#53526 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:32

Wow, people on here have such fucked up parents.
It's great (:

By amirn86 | 0

#53532 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:33

#2 (XxGivesMEhellxX) - sorry dude I beat you to it ;)

By zoecakes | 0

#53546 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:37

#6 is right. a dinner takes like two hours, tops. so obviously what daddy said was correct.

By marz88 | 0

#53552 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:38

Pwned lol throw a huge party and say "Well you never said no..."

By x_LC_x | 0

#53558 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:40

umm... guys... obviously you can't throw a kegger in two hours. That's why he said he JOKINGLY responded.

KMtheDrummer | 6

#4929020 - Thursday 13 September 2012 22:41

Watch me.

By xlimepops | 2

#53564 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:41

Your dad was right. And you obviously don't know much about keggers to begin with because you can't throw one in the time it takes for 2 people to eat dinner. FAIL.

ajp156 | 1

#1004928 - Monday 24 May 2010 5:27

GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP IT WAS A JOKE BUZZKILL

ajp156 | 1

#1004931 - Monday 24 May 2010 5:29

GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP IT WAS A JOKE DUMBSHIT!!!! U DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!