Miscellaneous: Today, I found out why my 5 year old son's teacher acts so awkward...

By Stripperofthemall - 25/08/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I found out why my 5 year old son's teacher acts so awkward around me. My son told everyone in his class that I work as a stripper. I'm not a stripper, I work at the strip mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 142

You deserved it 2 898

Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

You tried

Empathy lives

By Anonymous - 04/12/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I was informed after submitting my request to have Christmas off about 2 weeks prior to Thanksgiving that I was denied. About 15 minutes later, I overheard the person that denied my request talking with another agent, who put their request in today, that they were granted the holiday off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 827

You deserved it 2 125

By caiti - 06/08/2009 01:25 - United States

Today, I had a job interview and things were going really well until I noticed the woman interviewing me staring at the inside of my elbow. I am recovering from a poison sumac rash, and each spot looks like a puncture wound from a syringe. I was dismissed before the interview was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 232

You deserved it 4 438

By Awie - 20/10/2011 08:26 - Austria

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 284

You deserved it 19 805

By hatemyjob - 27/10/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I arrived at work and was immediately given a disciplinary write-up for being two hours late for my shift. Apparently the manager had changed my schedule that morning and failed to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 258

You deserved it 2 024

By Anonymous - 09/08/2018 20:30

Today, I couldn't sleep. I had to pee really badly but I'm terrified of the dark, so I closed my eyes all the way to the bathroom. On the way, I tripped over my dog and fell face-first into the door frame. He then humped me as my nose bled all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 649

You deserved it 3 223

By bobo - 24/04/2011 01:02 - Canada

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 043

You deserved it 52 849

We live in a society

By tlowbrim - 18/11/2020 02:02

Today, I'm working retail where masks are mandatory. A gentleman comes in with his mask below his chin. I politely say, "Hey dude, if you’re gonna shop here I'm going to need you to keep that mask on properly", to which he replies, "Fuck you, you stupid little bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 187

You deserved it 240

Purr Evil

By Anonymous - 05/03/2021 15:30 - United States - Alachua

Today, I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. Did my dog need to go out? No. Did my alarm go off? No. My neighbor's asshole cat was on my window AC, scratching at my window, before pissing on the AC and jumping off. If I turn it on, my bedroom will reek of cat piss. The high today will be near 90. FML

I agree, your life sucks 842

You deserved it 69

On the rocks

By leogs23 - 26/01/2021 10:59

Today, my fiancée is convinced that I just want to marry her to get a green card, so she doesn’t want to marry me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 618

You deserved it 672

By Anonymous - 09/07/2012 10:37 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I aproached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 264

You deserved it 37 189

Proud boy

By Anonymous - 07/12/2020 08:02

Today, I went on a Tinder date. He seemed pretty normal. Very handsome, and a complete gentleman. Turned out he's a white supremacist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 992

You deserved it 171

Cats give great advice like "Shit in a box!"

By can't sleep - 09/08/2019 00:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I can't sleep. I don't know what's crazier, the fact that I have been lying in bed, staring at the ceiling for about 5 hours, or that I have been asking my cat for advice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 275

You deserved it 252

By Almostlovedchild - 20/01/2017 18:00

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 930

You deserved it 567

By TNDriver - 16/07/2013 13:12 - United States - Jackson

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 020

You deserved it 15 035

Thanks buddy

By jackmehoffa - 03/04/2012 18:10 - United States - Green Bay

Today, I posted on Facebook saying I'm in a new relationship. One of my buddies said, "You're cheating on Jill?" My girlfriend saw this and went completely nuts, not giving me a chance to explain that "Jill" is just a euphemism for your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 714

You deserved it 5 841

By Anonymous - 05/02/2012 20:41 - Canada

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 201

You deserved it 5 049

By parenting_failure - 20/03/2011 16:10 - France

Today, my son was on Facebook while he was supposed to be studying. He called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out. How do I know he was online? He liked and commented on a video I posted. My son is a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 028

You deserved it 8 725

By neta_1996 - 03/01/2014 02:06 - United States - Mabelvale

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me two days before my birthday. Only to make it worse, I found out that he had been texting my mother on how to break up with me. To make it even worse, she was giving him tips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 172

You deserved it 3 958

By upset room mate - 18/08/2011 06:59 - United States

Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 028

You deserved it 4 281

By GDubeau24 - 05/11/2013 17:34 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, the package I've waited for months for finally arrived. It turned out it wasn't for me, but for my sister, who bought the same thing only 2 weeks ago. When I called, the company told me they received my payment, but that there were no more of the item in stock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 000

You deserved it 2 848

By virginwhore - 18/01/2015 06:29

Today, my boyfriend's dad called me a whore and said I'm trying to use his son and "steal" his virginity for my own needs. My boyfriend has had sex with over 10 girls and I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 855

You deserved it 3 465

By Anonymous - 15/02/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He let me know by shaving "CYA" into my dog's fur and then moving out before I got home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 812

You deserved it 2 768

By LongDriveNoSleep - 24/05/2016 10:38 - United States - Washington

Today, my friend, who I'm moving in with, flew up to drive from Pennsylvania to Texas, where she lives, with me. I went to the airport to pick her up and we discovered she accidentally flew to the wrong airport. On the other side of the state. I'm driving through the night to rescue her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 050

You deserved it 1 330

By Noname - 29/10/2008 10:09 - Slovenia

Today, they finally took my braces off. 7 hours later I fell off my bike and chipped my tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 454

You deserved it 6 389

By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I had a surprise birthday party thrown in my honor. All of my friends and family had been invited, and all of the details were perfect. Who threw the party for me? My ex-girlfriend who I dumped last week for "not being thoughtful enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 006

You deserved it 57 686

By Anonymous - 07/05/2009 12:09 - Canada

Today, I baked a chicken pot pie in the oven. I pulled it out, and noticed a big piece of tasty-looking, flaky pastry had come loose. Without thinking I ripped it off and popped it into my mouth. I HEARD the skin on the inside of my cheeks burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 439

You deserved it 85 717

By Anonymous - 02/08/2014 04:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 079

You deserved it 6 444

Who the fuck are you?

By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 02:02

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to send a message to the girl I've been crushing on for years. I'm now blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 012

You deserved it 174

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 20:25 - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. I happen to be allergic to all types of pain medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 558

You deserved it 3 156

By nolove - 14/11/2012 10:36 - Australia

Today, the love of my life, and long term partner, sat me down and told me that he feels so comfortable in our relationship that he no longer feels the need to have sex with me, and he doesn't think that that will ever change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 430

You deserved it 3 640

By Desperate_measures - 16/01/2010 12:22 - Greece

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friends house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said "who's this? stop texting me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 040

You deserved it 14 694

By meowtickmeow - 12/03/2010 01:18 - United States

Today, I had a strong feeling that someone was watching me as I was undressing to get ready for bed. I conspicuously moved to the door and threw it open to find my step-brother clearly spying on me. We are the same age, live in the same house three weeks a month and in the same English class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 575

You deserved it 2 685

By jruth7 - 15/05/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 847

You deserved it 3 656

By acnebutt - 27/08/2011 22:30 - United States

Today, thanks to my peripheral vision and a dropped mirror, I realized that I have horrible acne on my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 565

You deserved it 5 401

By mook05 - 21/10/2010 02:04 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 6 months is not actually on vacation with her cousin but is moving in with her fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 305

You deserved it 3 167

By a fatty - 15/02/2011 06:25

Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 678

You deserved it 36 359

Is this a joke?

By Anonymous - 19/08/2020 23:02

Today, I told my wife if she wanted to get a divorce, she just had to get a cat since I'm deathly allergic. She got two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 376

You deserved it 427

By Lisa - 01/10/2012 21:09 - United States - Bayside

Today, my boyfriend told me that the main reason he was dating me was because he was intimidated by pretty girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 020

You deserved it 2 338

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 082

You deserved it 3 623

By Anonymous - 17/04/2015 20:43 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my extended family. When my wife came home, she kicked me out of the game and took all my money and property. When I said she couldn't do that, she said "Sure I can. It's called divorce." Everyone laughed. Now I'm bored as hell, watching everyone else play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 084

You deserved it 3 964

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Top comments

MaddogTotten 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:06

Wow, sure they weren't just disappointed with your boring career and said you were a stripper to liven it up? It was my privilege to be first on your FML.

tenkenshi 2

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 14:50

I don't see a gender listed. This FML would be a bit funnier if OP was a man.

MaddogTotten 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:06

Wow, sure they weren't just disappointed with your boring career and said you were a stripper to liven it up? It was my privilege to be first on your FML.

nam3 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 23:28

i've seen this one already come up with your own story lady

ReasonsToFly 0

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Wednesday 26 August 2009 0:42

I think the other one that was similar to this had a different job. But besides the job everything else is almost exactly the same.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL123 2

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Thursday 27 August 2009 6:06

YDI for working at a strip mall

ButlerOfChaos 7

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Friday 12 April 2013 16:14

So only one 5 year old can misinterpret what their parents say? Also adult movies:)

baller789 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:06

FIRST!!!:$/$:!:!;!/&:&:

MaddogTotten 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:08

Gotcha bitch!!!

pingpongpickle 8

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Friday 7 May 2010 7:37

wtf is a strip mall

kerrygirl 13

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:06

i'm so sick of these kind of fml's......everyones son/daughter is an idiot by the sounds of things......

Emma_91 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:07

nah. Kids just say funny things.

chippa 24

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:12

Kids have a whole section for a reason! Kid related FMLs happen a whole lot. And they're my favourites. :) Just don't read those ones then, I guess. :

Shadow_Phantom 26

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:19

Ironically they didn't put it in Kids though.

chippa 24

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:28

Oh, I didn't even look, I just assumed. XD Woops.

ediciusNJ 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 18:24

I'll concur. Kids truly are morons today.

waterynuggets 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:30

Oh LoL this sounds kind of familiar http://www.fmylife.com/kids/3364803

baller789 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:40

Most men can kill any woman with his own 2 hands. That's why were the only gender that matters now make me a sndwich goes

pyros09 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 13:31

No, most men CANNOT kill any woman with two hands because that is a false stereotype, so stop being an arrogant idiot who can't even spell or put together a sentance. Clearly, if anything men like you are the only type of people who DON'T MATTER.

Eltsc 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 13:39

Well, at least most women don't have to resort to death threats to get a sandwich.

alex_vik 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 16:06

#12 - Ever hear of the phrase "Choke a bitch"?

letitbe56 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 16:41

Don't feed the trolls.

lizardlips 1

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Thursday 27 August 2009 9:59

why do people think that every thought needs to be "out there"? Someone needs to dig around this guy's back yard a bit so that the Grand Jury can properly indict his ass!

Emma_91 0

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Thursday 27 August 2009 14:30

Don't worry everyone, #10 is only upset because he can't get any girls. ^_^ And he's probably making up for his tiny dick. By the way, #10, actually in an evolutionary sense, men are more disposable. Not that I'm saying men don't matter lol.

killdozer1 2

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 7:49

It makes sense that in larger communities, the larger, stronger, and more violent breed who do not carry children for nine months would be "disposable". It's totally worth it!

pk705 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:42

Well, on the up side, you're hot enough to be considered a stripper after you've had a child, that is a good thing, no?

stizzuh 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 13:52

wrong, not all strippers are hot, theres even weird clubs with fat girls. If a little kid told me that their mom was a stripper nice and clear, when I saw them thats what I would think, unless she was like morbidly obese or some shit

plexico 3

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 13:59

WTF is wrong with the teacher? Being a stripper is a job. Maybe not a job that everyone is comfortable with, but that just makes the teacher a prude and a snob. Now, I can see the teacher looking askance at you if you were something disgusting, like a whore. Or even worse, a lawyer!