Kids: Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 9

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 743

25/05/2013 04:37

Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school at which I teach. When my students questioned him about what I was like at home, he told the entire class: "Well, she farts all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 798

You deserved it 9 042

Batman

Great parenting, mom

Stomach bug?

21/10/2014 00:29

Spicy

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 301

You deserved it 14 420

11/08/2015 14:29

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 901

You deserved it 5 513

01/12/2012 17:01

Today, my husband discovered poking me in my belly button makes me have to pee, sometimes it's uncontrollable and happens immediately. He thinks it's hilarious and decided it's his new favorite game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 292

You deserved it 3 088

Red flag

By LeftAndAbandoned - 11/08/2021 16:01

Today, my fiancé called off our wedding, all because I wouldn’t tell him how much my life insurance is worth. Apparently, “Lovers don’t keep secrets from one another” and, “If you’re hiding that God knows what else you could be hiding.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 845

You deserved it 331

Horrible little things

By Anonymous - 27/05/2021 02:01

Today, after three visits from exterminators and another from a steam cleaner, I still have bedbugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 848

You deserved it 60

08/02/2013 07:13

Spicy

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my overprotective father. My boyfriend started out with, "Sir, it is an honor to be your daughter's sexual partner." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 375

You deserved it 12 382

21/10/2010 02:04

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 6 months is not actually on vacation with her cousin but is moving in with her fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 296

You deserved it 3 165

04/09/2018 18:30

Today at university, I saw a girl on crutches struggling to make it up the stairs to the dining center. Feeling sympathetic, I politely offered to help her with her bags, and she declined. By declined, I mean she maced me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 846

You deserved it 167

13/01/2011 21:10

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 274

You deserved it 4 963

26/02/2013 15:54

Today, I realized that the homeless people I give change to all dress better than I do, including the one that doesn't believe in pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 030

You deserved it 25 288

04/11/2008 04:16

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 235

You deserved it 9 011

29/09/2011 17:20

Today, I met my new dentist. His teeth are worse than mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 594

You deserved it 3 038

25/08/2019 22:05

Today, my wife and I had our brand new king-size mattress set delivered. After the delivery men left, she informed me that I was no longer allowed to eat or drink in bed. Oh yeah, and we're not having sex on it either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 793

You deserved it 240

07/10/2018 05:00

Today, my husband of 5 months admitted he is jealous of my dog. I've had the dog for 16 years. He admits to wanting to drop it off at the shelter while I'm at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 480

You deserved it 311

05/01/2013 09:21

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my new boyfriend, and I realized that he enjoys making airplane sound effects while inserting himself inside of me. Moment ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 646

You deserved it 5 691

Ace in the hole

By anna - 15/05/2021 07:58

Spicy

Today, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero desire for sex. I’m well into my 20s and not a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 134

04/02/2009 17:40

Spicy

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 995

You deserved it 45 377

15/05/2012 19:27

Today, while I was applying some eyeliner, my cat jumped onto the counter and managed to headbutt me. The wand scratched a good portion of my eyeball, and now for the next few weeks, I will have to deal with the pain of a corneal abrasion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 957

You deserved it 3 355

30/06/2009 02:23

Today, I was at work lifeguarding and saw a kid drowning on the far end of the pool. I decided running would be the quickest way to get to her, but as I ran across the pool deck I slipped and hit my head. The kid's mother jumped in to save her child and then called an ambulance for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 940

You deserved it 13 921

06/01/2016 17:15

Today, I'm so sexually deprived, I got a boner from undressing a mannequin at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 765

You deserved it 3 881

23/08/2010 11:40

Today, I went on a double date with my bestfriend. At the end of the night, her boyfriend gave her a long kiss, and texted her 5 minutes after we left to say he missed her already. My boyfriend picked his nose, then gave me a fist bump as a goodbye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 130

You deserved it 6 953

Everyone loves a weepie

By CheeseAndCrackers - 30/04/2020 08:00

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 223

I mean…

By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 01:57

Today, I finally noticed that my new coworker, with whom I have to share an office, starts every sentence with, "I mean…", then a pause, then says whatever he has to say. I can't un-notice it now, and it's like hearing nails on a chalkboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 88

05/08/2013 05:11

Today, I was trying to explain to my mom that I've been having panic attacks. I ended up having a panic attack from talking about having a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 540

You deserved it 4 857

19/10/2018 13:30

Today, as I was taking the garbage out, I tripped over my own feet, causing my knee to dislocate in such a way that it shattered the back of my kneecap and fractured my femur. I guess I won't be taking the garbage out again anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 861

You deserved it 191

30/03/2012 05:00

Today, I brought a girl home. My dad's first reaction was to pull out the camera and snap away. She now won't reply to my texts or calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 206

You deserved it 2 362

09/12/2013 02:21

Spicy

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 824

You deserved it 5 175

15/08/2014 15:22

Spicy

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 072

You deserved it 6 453

15/10/2013 21:43

Today, my grandmother called me in a fit of panic because her new neighbors are black. So is my fiancé, whom she is supposed to meet tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 680

You deserved it 5 155

31/12/2012 22:36

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 293

You deserved it 4 026

30/01/2014 18:13

Today, while playing badminton at school, I got an opponent who is mentally handicapped. Since I'm terrible at the game, I guess the teacher assumed it would be a good match. I won the match, my first victory ever. My teacher accused me of cheating to humiliate him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 979

You deserved it 4 464

Wet noodle

By Anonymous - 01/08/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like having sex with me, because I get too wet and it makes him go limp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 306

You deserved it 75

09/05/2014 17:24

Today, the creepy kid who sits behind me in English class decided that sniffing my hair wasn't disturbing enough for his liking, so he tried something new: popping one of the pimples on my neck. When I reacted in horror, all he could say was, "It looked pretty..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 736

You deserved it 4 729

08/07/2011 04:20

Spicy

Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 093

You deserved it 3 489

13/02/2010 00:04

Today, I was riding the bus. Suddenly, it appeared to start to snow inside the bus, and I assumed a window was open. When I looked up however, I discovered the girl in front of me putting her hair up in a ponytail. The so-called "snow" was coming off of her head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 036

You deserved it 2 240

17/05/2009 13:21

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 549

You deserved it 4 796

12/01/2015 12:53

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 634

You deserved it 4 194

24/01/2012 08:50

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 513

You deserved it 35 683

Thanks for all the help

By Anonymous - 08/05/2020 08:29

Today, I found the Facebook album my sister took with her kids by the pool and out on boats while back in our hometown. My problem? I'm our dad's carer since his stroke and she had planned the trip as a mission to help me take care of him, but due to her kids being "sick", she only visited briefly. Twice. In 5 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 678

You deserved it 110

21/10/2009 21:03

Today, I told my brother to piss off. He decided to do exactly that, from the balcony onto my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 026

You deserved it 33 356

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Saturday 25 May 2013 12:16

At this point, it doesn't really matter what I say, everything is going to get downthumbed anyway. ... Gorgonzola!

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Saturday 25 May 2013 12:11

Did the class ask are you his mother or his Farter?

Comments

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Saturday 25 May 2013 11:54

Atta boi

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Sunday 26 May 2013 9:15

You suck at spelling

Inediblepeaches 15

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Monday 27 May 2013 5:22

...Thats the only thing he sucks at?

TheReaper13x 10

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Saturday 25 May 2013 11:55

I would have piped him upside the head

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:01

I hope you don't have children

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Saturday 25 May 2013 23:49

in all seriousness though, where's the discipline? my parents would never have accepted that sh*t. I'm not talking beating or anything, but your kid needs to be schooled into some respect.

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Saturday 25 May 2013 11:56

Brace yourself, gas jokes are coming your way.

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Saturday 25 May 2013 12:09

*coming in your general direction.

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Saturday 25 May 2013 13:08

I wonder who the cloud will hit first?

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Saturday 25 May 2013 11:56

Seems more an answer a 5 year old would deliver than a 10 year old. Hopefully your students are at least half-decent enough to not let this embarrassing moment haunt you.

botanistjessica 24

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Saturday 25 May 2013 16:58

Honestly, I wouldn't put this statement past a 30 year old man

TheReaper13x 10

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Saturday 25 May 2013 11:57

I mean poped not piped

CharresBarkrey 15

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Saturday 25 May 2013 12:50

No, I think you mean "popped."

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Saturday 25 May 2013 13:33

I certainly hope so. It's never okay to Pope little boys...

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Saturday 25 May 2013 11:57

What a lovely kid u have there. Full of manners.

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Saturday 25 May 2013 11:57

well he's just 10 forgive him children and drunk people always tell the truth

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Saturday 25 May 2013 12:46

Really? My 7 years old niece sure lies like a psychopath.

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Saturday 25 May 2013 11:59

"Well class, for show and tell today we will learn about adoption. I even have props". That will teach him.

BellaBelle_fml 23

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Saturday 25 May 2013 22:41

No, that's just cruel and a ridiculous overreaction to something so trivial.

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Saturday 25 May 2013 12:00

This is the part where you tell him "don't make me get my belt". If he keeps mouthing off, go get it, bring him to the ground, put your foot on his back, and raise your wrestling belt high for the class to see!

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Saturday 25 May 2013 12:50

your childhood must have been horrible

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Saturday 25 May 2013 12:58

It's actually a meme

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Saturday 25 May 2013 15:00

More like a popular web comic than a meme...

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Sunday 26 May 2013 17:39

Think about his children's childhoods.

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Saturday 25 May 2013 12:03

Cool kid. Great sense of humour!