Kids: Today, my 5 year old son asked me to explain how he was born.... - FML

07/12/2009 05:07 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old son asked me to explain how he was born. After I told him I had a C-Section, he went to school and told everyone he was born at sea. I found out when the teacher called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 345

You deserved it 6 670

This Charming Man

Age difference

Coherence dude, do you have it?

21/09/2012 07:31 - United States - Davis

Spicy

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 013

You deserved it 14 270

28/12/2010 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a crowded bus on the way back from my boyfriend's when I suddenly had a terrible nose bleed. I had no tissues, so instead I had to use last night's underwear from my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 315

You deserved it 5 350

21/10/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 177

You deserved it 4 809

The struggle is real

By Sally - 26/12/2011 11:48 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 541

You deserved it 5 813

Tasty

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 06:01

Today, we all know the expression “Salt in your wounds” and it sounds rather unpleasant, right? Well, I just managed to breathe in while biting into an egg, so trust me, salt in your lungs isn’t great, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 151

09/08/2018 15:00

Today, UPS delivered my kinky sex toys to my ex-husband. Apparently the delivery went wrong so they sent it to the last known address. He called to say he got my "package" and I had to go pick it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 092

You deserved it 586

09/10/2012 01:51 - United States - Trumbull

Today, I went out and made build-a-bears that looked like my daughter and her new boyfriend. It turns out she had been insisting that I didn't for a good reason; upon sight of his, her boyfriend screamed and fled the house. Turns out he was nearly mauled to death by a bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 135

You deserved it 32 589

01/05/2009 00:52 - United States

Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing his lawn. I ran a couple of laps past him. After a while, when I slowed down, I smiled at him, and he replied You look really hot." I thanked him, and he quickly replied, "No, I mean you're sweating a lot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 472

You deserved it 51 731

13/11/2011 20:50 - Germany

Today, the guy I've recently started seeing confided that he's relieved I'm on the heavier side, and that he has a thing for watching chubby women eat. I just reached my ideal weight after losing 40 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 285

You deserved it 4 072

03/12/2014 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 090

You deserved it 7 122

21/11/2011 07:02 - United States

Today, a woman and her daughter came into the store I work at. The girl placed a pair of underpants on the counter, and confessed she had stolen them earlier. Assuming she had already heard a lecture, I simply thanked her for bringing them back. Her mom yelled at me for not yelling at her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 658

You deserved it 3 337

Late bloomer

By Anonymous - 02/09/2020 17:02

Today, I’m at the age where I should be married or in a committed relationship and having kids. Instead, I’m STILL single. I haven’t had a first date or a first kiss. If any of that changes, luck and time aren’t going to be on my side because biologically I won’t be able to have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 459

You deserved it 291

24/11/2010 13:18 - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 953

You deserved it 40 992

05/02/2009 07:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 578

You deserved it 9 016

09/03/2016 04:02 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a shifty customer came in to my store and was hanging around for about 30 minutes. Apparently, he took that time to put religiously-motivated anti-abortion notes into each and every pair of socks. In the following hours, I had 17 angry returns and was personally threatened twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 751

You deserved it 1 428

The Conquest of Bread

By Anonymous - 26/04/2021 11:00 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around, tickling each other. He grabbed my stomach roll and told me it looked like a baguette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 234

03/06/2016 10:31 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 874

You deserved it 2 130

02/12/2014 05:40 - United States - Roseville

Spicy

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 786

You deserved it 5 857

02/01/2015 05:36 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, when my roommate asked me what was wrong, I told him that something I ate was making me feel sick. He works 10+ hours a day, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the putrid smell of his feet was making me nauseous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 676

You deserved it 4 719

17/06/2017 22:00

Today, I happily told my husband I'm pregnant. He happily informed me that very, VERY large babies run in his family, and even though he was born 3 weeks early, he still weighed 15 lbs. The smallest baby to ever be born into his family was his great grandmother, who was 12 lbs. OH GOD, THE PAIN. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 027

You deserved it 761

27/07/2016 16:38 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I are looking at places to stay to meet for the first time. I figured renting a small vacation apartment would be ideal because he's not able to help pay because he isn't working and I'm not rich. He's telling me he can only be comfortable in 4 star hotels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 910

You deserved it 2 292

06/10/2010 23:18 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my friends took me to a strip club for my 25th birthday. I went onstage with 5 dollars in my mouth to tip the dancer. She then took off my belt and pants and spanked me 25 times with the buckle end of the belt. I paid a stripper 5 dollars to whoop my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 627

You deserved it 38 346

04/09/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 657

You deserved it 8 180

04/02/2012 08:13 - United States

Today, my mom friended all my friends on Facebook then thought it'd be a good idea to try and act like a teen so she'd be considered 'cool'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 109

You deserved it 2 812

04/08/2009 13:19 - United Kingdom

Today, while visiting family in the Czech Republic, I was told on two separate occasions that I looked like a Czech TV star. Flattered, I asked what the TV show was called. Turns out there's a Czech version of 'Ugly Betty'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 348

You deserved it 3 634

Mrs Heckles?

By loud sweeper - 07/10/2019 06:00

Today, my batshit crazy downstairs neighbor threatened me with "legal action" for making too much noise. According to her, it’s "illegal" for people in upstairs apartments to use vacuum cleaners, therefore I must sweep my carpets to avoid disturbing her and her imaginary guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 047

You deserved it 121

10/05/2019 08:00

Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 389

You deserved it 607

21/09/2013 01:30 - United States - Wichita Falls

Spicy

Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 246

You deserved it 6 999

Devil's wages

By fucked - 14/03/2014 19:40 - Canada

Today, my boss - AKA Satan - told me I'd better watch out, because I'm now top on his list of people to lay off next time the company downsizes. All I did was give a report to the board admitting that our sales are down this year. He blames me for making him look bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 749

You deserved it 3 747

Mood breaker

By Anonymous - 01/10/2021 06:30 - Australia - Adelaide

Spicy

Today, I was having sexy time with my girlfriend when she said she needed to pee. She came back 5 minutes later and started talking about how she hasn't seen her best friend in ages and misses her. Needless to say, I couldn't get the man downstairs back up when we continued. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 125

Lee Trevi-not

By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 12:07

Today, I was practicing my golf swing on my front lawn. I took a swing and on the backstroke the golf club slipped out of my hands. Next thing I know, it hits a neighbor's window, shatters it, and goes right into their living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 1 391

09/06/2014 13:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 414

You deserved it 11 345

14/04/2016 04:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I got hit so hard in the head by a dodgeball that a contact popped right out. To make matters worse, I continued to get hit as a futilely searched for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 786

You deserved it 1 563

12/04/2012 23:53 - United States - Fullerton

Today, while driving my car near a farm, I hit a man on the side of the road. I started freaking out and got out of the car to help him. It was then that I found out that I'd hit a scarecrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 267

You deserved it 7 237

09/02/2009 00:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 389

You deserved it 5 897

09/03/2015 12:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 285

You deserved it 3 501

16/03/2019 20:00

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 015

You deserved it 474

17/03/2012 16:22 - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 347

You deserved it 4 340

04/06/2019 06:00

Today, I learned how to make my fridge colder. I felt that what it was set on felt a little warmer than normal, so I turned it down. Now everything in my fridge is frozen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 698

You deserved it 1 645

24/05/2012 19:30 - Netherlands - Sappemeer

Today, the mailman delivered my new phone to my neighbour's house. This was okay, because he left a note in my mailbox informing me so. Now my crazy neighbour won't give me the package because, "*I* signed for it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 139

You deserved it 1 809

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Top comments

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:22

...........I completely fail to see how this makes your life fucked....

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:38

...I don't see why this is an fml or why the teacher called you.

Comments

shoieb9 14

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:18

First

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:19

Cunt.

Dabookofnothing 0

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:30

FLYING VEGAN WHAT THE F****???

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:33

What #2 said. :D

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:36

thats funny o:

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:37

Yeah, I've decided to pretty much rage at anyone who starts screaming "first". My car was shat upon the other day. I've got a a fair amount of anger brewed up.

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:32

Yeah, right. Like this guy said: don't expect a five-year-old to understand homonyms. :p

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Monday 7 December 2009 13:00

ahhahahahahhaha... It took me 3 whole months to be there :D more over I moderated it and checked to find it here... so i think i can be there :) have a nice day!

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Monday 7 December 2009 13:08

Well #19, congratulations. You could have made a decent first comment, and we might have remembered you as "the guy that didn't draw attention to the fact that he was first, and subsequently isn't a cunt", but you just wrote "first", and are therefore doomed to join the other forgotten commenters who wasted valuable commenting space with something already indicated by the little number attached to their posts. So... congratulations.

bexox 0

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Monday 7 December 2009 13:13

That's what I thought too. How would a small child know about C-sections? Why is what he said so bad anyway? It's kind of cute, actually. Kids say the darndest things!

lotusflower007 0

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Monday 7 December 2009 19:22

look people as a mother of a 5 year old, I can tell you. It's worth it to talk with them, and explain things that are beyond what they know, because that's how we learn. and a five year old can understand what a c section is.

3141592653589793 0

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Monday 7 December 2009 21:29

First off, how is that an FML? That's just like a quirky confusion. Second, it's HOMOPHONE. I'd expect more from someone named 'wordgirl.'

claudia19801811 14

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Friday 8 August 2014 12:51

The 5yo didn't understand it though

Bitts 0

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:21

How is this an FML?

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:22

yea this is a pretty shitty fml it Is unfortunate but its not the end of the world

jts2 3

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Monday 7 December 2009 13:20

.. Exactly the point. People need to stop being so bitter on this site.

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:22

...........I completely fail to see how this makes your life fucked....

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Saturday 20 October 2012 22:53

Agreed. I just think its cute!

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:23

YDI for getting pregnant

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Friday 28 January 2011 16:43

so you want nobody to have kids so the human population will fail to increase and we will all die?

The_Schiphtur 7

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Saturday 12 July 2014 14:23

Duhhh

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:24

You suck at explaining. I hope the kid doesn't come to you to ask about the birds and the bee's. Probably end up trying to have sex with a canary!

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Monday 26 December 2011 16:32

LOL!!!

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:38

...I don't see why this is an fml or why the teacher called you.

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:38

How is there ANYTHING negative about this? And why would the teacher call home about that?

Erniesduck123 0

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Wednesday 9 December 2009 3:27

That is the first thing I thought. Why would the teacher call? It's not like he was going around saying he's abused or something, if I were a teacher I would have just assumed he was born on a boat :)

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:40

obv. you didn't explain it correctly . -__-

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Monday 7 December 2009 13:14

Why would a teacher ring you because the kid said he was born at sea??

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 373

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 611

You deserved it 69