Miscellaneous: Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/12/2011 17:16 - Canada

Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 621

You deserved it 5 558

BO Central

Rookie mistake

Beggars can be choosers

By Teamarie - 11/08/2009 15:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 754

You deserved it 20 829

Keep it down

By awwman - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24-hour, 7 days a week, religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 051

You deserved it 3 043

By asdfghjkl - 18/12/2010 19:14 - United States

Today, I saw Saw IV with my boyfriend. He held me close and said, "I'll protect you." A few seconds later, he jumped up so violently, he gave me a bloody nose, and ran screaming out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 251

You deserved it 3 909

By shelbylove115 - 22/02/2013 05:35 - United States - Nevada City

Today, I walked into my near pitch-black bathroom and saw a person staring back at me. I woke my whole family up with my screams. The person was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 580

You deserved it 35 095

By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 22:00

Spicy

Today, I needed some contact lens solution, so I left my room to look in my sister's room to see if she had any. I walked in to see my mom sucking my dad off on her bed. They didn't see me so I walked away, but the image is engraved in my mind forever now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 047

You deserved it 479

By Masonlee89 - 21/11/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 774

You deserved it 41 892

By Uhh - 13/06/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding reception. My boyfriend of 3 years decided to give a toast to the happy couple. He was drunk and confessed his undying love to my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 075

You deserved it 3 804

Freaky.

By Anonymous - 12/04/2018 05:00

Today, according to my mother, who is only 19 years older than me and raised me by herself, I was conceived in a satanic ritual to honour the Horned God and have at least 4 potential fathers. She was too stoned to remember the actual number or their names. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 020

You deserved it 364

By WhyAppleWhy - 01/09/2012 23:14 - United States - Sarasota

Spicy

Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook. I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed. Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 501

You deserved it 52 605

By trekkiewife - 20/10/2015 19:45 - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my husband jokingly said to me, "I think you love Captain Kirk more than me." Without thinking, I said in a serious tone, "I think I do, too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 081

You deserved it 7 915

Are you OK, hun?

By Lillian - 25/12/2020 01:58 - United States

Today, I walked into a store to buy a type of bread I like. The stuff was sold out, so I asked an employee when they'll be restocking it. The employee yelled at me, because, "They do have that bread," walks to the isle, and then when she saw that they really were out of the bread, she walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 116

You deserved it 112

By Idiot - 22/02/2017 04:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, while working at the bar, I had a beautiful woman squeeze my bicep and tell me I was in amazing shape. Instead of flirting like any normal human being, I awkwardly said, "Thanks…" and then walked away in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 832

You deserved it 1 306

Slow down

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 17:01 - Canada

Spicy

Today, after months of ultrasounds and blood tests, I found out that the pain I've been feeling in my ovaries is actually just sore muscles from flicking my bean every night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 573

You deserved it 967

By Kryometric - 29/03/2015 06:38 - United States - Coupeville

Today, with the experience of sitting behind someone on a roller coaster, I found out pee is affected by gravity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 900

You deserved it 2 562

Queef Richards

By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 14:02

Today, I had two customers who had some questions about their phones. Walking over, my cooch graced us with an audible fart sound that I‘m sure everybody heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 114

By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, like many other days, I fell asleep in math class. Unlike other days, however, I woke up with a start while ripping a really loud fart in my sleep. The whole class heard it because it was during a lecture. Even the teacher was laughing at me and I had to walk, no, run out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 630

You deserved it 29 204

By Ants everywhere but my pants - 19/05/2016 02:35 - United States - Sun City Center

Today, I left the windows open because I live in Florida without air conditioning because the asshole landlord won't fix it. There was nice cool air from the rain. I've killed about 100 flying ants that have made their way inside. Now I have a hot house with closed windows and flying ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 039

You deserved it 1 519

By kdgirl - 21/09/2010 03:02 - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 308

You deserved it 3 123

By Grrrawrwtf - 03/06/2012 04:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to break up with me but it had to be after our cruise together because he doesn't want to lose out on money. Can't wait for the Bahamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 890

You deserved it 2 443

Alas, poor Donatello

By randomsamm - 17/10/2019 04:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I bought a turtle after wanting one for years. I was told that he was scared, so he would be put in a box for me to take home. It wasn't until I got to my car that I noticed that they sold me a dead turtle. I'm not getting a refund because they claimed I killed it in less than 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 893

You deserved it 204

By Nadaz - 05/04/2012 11:29 - United States - Charlotte

Today, while talking to my girlfriend, the subject of Darth Vader came up. That's when she asked me, "Aren't Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker the same person?" I don't know what's worse, the fact that she asked me that, or the fact that I got upset over her lack of Star Wars knowledge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 266

You deserved it 13 525

By Anonymous - 16/04/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had paid the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 553

You deserved it 7 384

By Sidney - 05/11/2011 01:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, meeting his family for the first time. I was leaning against him when he reached around, grabbed my boobs, and started making "pew-pew" laser noises, all in front of his family. I can't believe I'm dating this child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 494

You deserved it 15 682

By Stephanie Peugh - 15/04/2018 19:30 - United States - Loudonville

Today, during my daughter's 8th birthday at a skating rink, a family showed up that didn't RSVP. The mother brought all 3 of her kids and left them at the party alone. She didn't feed them lunch and they followed me around the whole time asking for money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 249

You deserved it 298

By Anonymous - 06/03/2011 11:28 - Reserved

Spicy

Today, my husband told me I was lucky to have someone who would love me no matter what my vagina smelled like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 516

You deserved it 22 910

By NoPrivacy - 26/04/2012 10:44 - United States

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 150

You deserved it 34 624

There's no helping some people

By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Livingston

Today, I was helping a 93 year-old hoarder organize her home. She asked me to make ropes from old plastic bags, fold bags in a specific odd way, then fit four large boxes of bags into one smaller one. I said I couldn't do those, nor fit four boxes in one. "Why are you here if you can’t do things?" she said. I’m a professional home organizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 584

You deserved it 275

By sashimi9999 - 07/02/2014 01:32 - United States - Salinas

Today, while cleaning a carpet in my house, something in it sliced my foot. I couldn't find what it was, so I went to clean the wound. 10 minutes later, I sliced my foot again on the same thing. I still can't figure out what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 187

You deserved it 5 865

By brick - 14/05/2018 10:00 - United States - Geneva

Today, I went to sleep at 7am. I learned once that Indians used to drink tons of water before bed to force themselves awake so I did that in case my alarm (which I hooked up to my speakers) didn't work. The alarm worked, but the shock of the blasting sound made me pee my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 102

You deserved it 3 039

Deep desire

By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 21:00 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year. I finally have a good chance to get pregnant this month, and I'm ovulating today for the first time in 3 months. My husband has the flu, he's highly contagious for the next 24 hours, and has been asleep since I got home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 155

You deserved it 245

By jack - 27/08/2015 10:56 - United Kingdom - London

Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 081

You deserved it 2 410

By hdgyfjdzdfg - 16/04/2012 06:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 006

You deserved it 4 888

By itsrathersmall - 15/01/2013 21:58 - United States - Fargo

Spicy

Today, I learned my neighbor can access my wireless printer from his house after it started printing off pictures of what I'm assuming is his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 996

You deserved it 7 685

Alexa, play "Fast Cars" by Buzzcocks

By I'mmessedup - 18/09/2021 07:00 - United States - Marion

Today, I wonder about my mental and emotional state as I didn't react whatsoever to a semi that started to pull out in front of my speeding Camaro. If he hadn't seen me, and stopped, I would not be alive to post this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 610

You deserved it 280

By Anonymous - 16/01/2012 13:10 - Australia

Spicy

Today, after over a year of lifestyle changes and a ritualistic exercise regime, I finally reached my goal weight. I excitedly told my boyfriend, and he responded, "Yeah, that's nice, but now your tits are tiny". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 320

You deserved it 7 476

By Username - 28/05/2010 06:20 - France

Today, it was the hottest day of the year so I opened my sun roof. The hottest day of the year was followed by the biggest storm of the year. I forgot to close my sun roof and my car is now flooded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 138

You deserved it 32 552

By cgold - 30/04/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 108

You deserved it 8 815

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 03:00 - United States

Today, I drove my husband's car to the mall because my car was in the shop. The bumper was being repaired because I got rear ended while stopped at a traffic light. While stopped at the same intersection I got rear ended again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 841

You deserved it 3 848

By Anonymous - 29/05/2016 02:20 - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 930

You deserved it 1 731

By failureatlife - 27/04/2014 19:16 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 302

You deserved it 6 162

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:32

I like to squeeze things!

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:36

You are suggesting she does this to her father? You are a disturbed individual. No seriously, get help. Now.

Comments

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:32

I like to squeeze things!

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:33

Try not to explode on the nice white helmet!

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:16

1- you are a sick perverted person.

AngryCanadian 0

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:18

At least he doesn't call her "albino penis"

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:21

You deserve it for wanting incest with your father... Tramp.

123amanda123 14

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:59

who doesn't like a good squeezing once in a while :p

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:04

I think the fml here is that the OP is wearing a helmet while skiing...

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Friday 22 June 2012 6:40

Your picture completes this comment.

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Monday 25 June 2012 19:56

98- I guess you want a concussion, who am I to stop you

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:33

Are you by any chance, in France?

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:36

It clearly says Alberta, Canada. Herp derp.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:03

Naw he lives in china-.-

rawrritsemily 1

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:18

I believe they are referring to the previous fml about someone going on a skiing trip in France.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:19

8- that just means he/she lives in Canada..they could be traveling. But that would be funny if it were the Same person that was mentioned in the other fml earlier..if it was then they deserve it!!

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:50

Sick rhymes, Lanceeden. Absolutely sick.

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 4:47

Are you by any chance an idiot?

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 5:31

C-C-C-combo breaker

CurlyChica808 4

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:33

The nickname is kinda cute..... Except for the squeezing part....

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:54

I thought it the other way around, but that's just me being a pervert.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:29

How is calling someone a pimple cute? And yeah, 32 you are a pervert.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:29

How is calling someone a pimple cute? And yeah, 32 you are a pervert.

chlorinegreen 27

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:05

I love how he double posted and the first is in the negative while the 2nd is up 4 when they say the same thing. I don't know why people are taking this as a pervert thing. It's a pimple.

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 17:49

Yeah..I don't know how it posted twice and that is very odd. But the reason I think the person is a pervert is because he thought that squeezing her was cute.....

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 20:50

And btw I'm a girl. Why would a guys username be eatsleepjb?...

chlorinegreen 27

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Friday 23 December 2011 9:26

Honest mistake. Sorry. But I get your reasoning now. Thank you for clearing that up for me.

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Saturday 24 December 2011 1:13

Haha its ok

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:33

Pimple.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:01

Aren't we all just blemishes on the Earth?

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 7:50

I want to be a sea lamprey when I grow up! .... Wait, that's not a parasite, is it...?

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:34

Squeeze him in the groin and say what's this small junk?

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:36

You are suggesting she does this to her father? You are a disturbed individual. No seriously, get help. Now.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:38

Not sure about OP, but I'd be a little against squeezing my father's genitals for any reason.

smurfsarwales 9

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:39

Try seeing a doctor. Could I suggest a certain bastard?

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:05

Successful troll successful... In a dirty way...

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:37

What, what? In the butt?

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:37

Omg i have u on my face!

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 7:42

That's not nice what u put. Kinda rude.. But if that's the way u are then whatevs!

laden_swallow09 34

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 15:31

Wanna know what else isn't nice? Your sense of humor. You then show yourself as apathetic just after you make a big deal out of a little joke that wasn't even rude to begin with. Make up yo mind, foo'.

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Sunday 15 January 2012 8:19

94-

twofirstnames 12

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:37

Better than zit..

ohmandapants 16

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:39

Aren't they the same? I consider them the same

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:52

You imagine #12 in the morning? "OMG I have a zit, no way I'm going out today." (Gets closer to mirror) "Oh wait, I'm good, it's just a pimple..."

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:21

I think she meant pimple was better than zit as far as the nickname goes.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:23

Yeah they are the same thing..in fact I would rather be called zit, it's shorter and sounds less gross...

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:27

You damn zit.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:37

Did you pop?

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 22:38

Something might squeeze out

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 8

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 16

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 1 937

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 847

You deserved it 189