Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending...

By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 20:42 - United States - Boulder

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

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Miscellaneous

Tense

Trip Advisor says no

Lockdown is driving us down

By XxEmoWolfiexX - 24/5/2012 21:18 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my cat woke me up, but not by kneading on me though. Instead, she woke me up by pouncing on the laser pointer my dad was shining on my face. FML

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By iliterallypoopedmyself - 19/1/2012 01:54 - Australia

Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2017 10:00 - United States - Medina

Today, the toilet in the IT department basement broke and flooded the room with a foot of water. In the process, it destroyed a $7000 server and an equally expensive power supply. FML

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By nolife - 5/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, my stalker - an annoying guy who's dedicated the past three years of his life to stalking me at every turn - somehow got a hold of my number and started texting me at 10pm about how I have no life. FML

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By QuickieGirl - 16/9/2011 11:28 - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend thinks that the goal of sex is to get it over with as quickly as possible. FML

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By no more tp - 17/2/2011 06:22

Today, I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom. I was forced to use tissues to do the job. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall. Several people asked if I had Tourette's. FML

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By ouch - 16/6/2016 10:14 - United States - Livonia

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was so angry, she stabbed me in the hand with a plastic fork. FML

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By C0olgirl - 3/4/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, my best friend and I came home from Japan. Her boyfriend and I have been having an affair before I left so I decided not to tell him she was coming with me. We just got off the plane and got a bite to eat, he was waiting for me so he could propose, my best friend was standing next to me. FML

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By seizuregirl17 - 19/11/2013 15:00 - United States - Boston

Today, I had a seizure in class. Being an epileptic, I had warned my professor of the possibility that I could have one in class. She was understanding and seemed very concerned about my issue at the time. After I had the seizure, however, she asked me if I had ever tried exorcism. FML

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By sonofawackjob - 18/8/2017 17:15 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my raving lunatic mother screamed at me for being "disrespectful", threatened to not pay for my college, swore at me, and accused me of having multiple personality disorder, all in rapid succession. This was provoked by me sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2013 00:48 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML

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By mdg - 4/12/2012 17:16 - United States - North Windham

Today, while at work taking notes on a pad of paper, my boss witnessed me trying to scroll down on the paper, as if it was a touch-screen phone. FML

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By Evolution mama - 5/2/2014 19:52 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML

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By SugarMyBalls - 19/12/2012 23:31 - United States - Winder

Today, I had been trying to text my girlfriend all day, but no reply. After a while, I became worried so I called. She picked up and said, "Can't talk, busy." Not even a minute later, my best friend says to me, "Dude, tell your girlfriend to leave me alone. She's been texting me all day." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, it's the 3 month anniversary marking the day two friends and I shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo. Her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly. We, on the other hand, look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2013 01:46 - United States - Blythe

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

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By hugs511 - 25/7/2009 04:21 - United States

Today, I spent my date night babysitting. After waiting three hours later than I was supposed, the mother finally gets home at 11, too late for me to get out and have any fun. Already annoyed, I take the money as she says, "I hope this is enough, I got hungry and spent some of your money." FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - 10/9/2017 20:30 - United States - Denver

Today, I woke up with a rash all across my body. Last night, my boyfriend and I got it on in some bushes, and it seems one of those was poison ivy. FML

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By Garrett - 1/10/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I was on my computer when the girl that I really like instant-messages me. I went to type back, accidentally pressed control-V, and posted an entire article on how to remove genital warts. FML

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By ihatevideos - 16/3/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 05:51 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2015 07:06 - Australia - Subiaco

Today, I was complimented on my improved performance over the last 3 months. My boss said he doesn't know what I've done to improve, but to keep it up. I'd only started looking for another job, and stopped giving a shit. FML

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By DamnDogs - 20/11/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, at work, my boss said something that I didn't catch. I went to take a leash off a dog, (I'm a groomer's assistant) and looked at my boss and said "What?" To which she replied, "Be careful, he bites." I now have a two-inch gash on my finger from a 6lb fluffy Maltese. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2018 15:00

Today, after spending 12 hours desperately searching everywhere I could think of, I'm forced to admit I left my wedding ring in the bathroom of the hotel suite we just spent our honeymoon in, on the literal other side of the planet. I am a dead man. FML

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By Aled - 17/2/2011 16:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I found my mom eating cat biscuits. We don't have a cat. FML

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By unlovedd - 22/3/2009 05:45 - United States

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2009 09:27 - United States

Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling "who's your daddy" at his plate of barbecue, and my mom just sat there with that, "what the hell happened to my life" look on her face. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2014 18:16 - United States - Glendale

Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned "The bitch on the pot." FML

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By stinkypants - 10/11/2011 03:15 - India

Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML

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By WTF - 12/9/2015 00:54 - Australia

Today, I found a folder on my boyfriend's computer called "Facebook". It turned out to be a collection of thousands of photos from his female friends' accounts. It was all sorted into folders like "Big Tits", "Blonde", "Cameltoe", "Feet", and "Jailbait". FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 07:20 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, telling him he needed to be more responsible, and stop relying on me for everything. When I told him to leave, he told me he needed some gas money. FML

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By weswithaute - 13/11/2011 06:53 - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E" I replied. Without missing a beat, she says "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She is 16. FML

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By VCDUDE11FTW - 25/12/2014 09:13 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with my family. My parents didn't want me to hear what they were talking about so they decided they would spell out the words so I wouldn't understand. I didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2011 13:36 - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

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By maf811 - 7/11/2011 12:13 - United States

Today, my mother panicked and was about to report me missing when I didn't answer her calls while I was at a movie. I'm 31, and have lived on my own for over 10 years. FML

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By lottielondon - 4/5/2011 13:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my garage was flooded. Everything was ruined. My garage also happens to be my study, in which my entire art coursework was drying. My exam is tomorrow and all I have to hand in is a pile of mushy paper. FML

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By Michael - 25/10/2011 15:00 - Australia

Today, while taking pills for a headache, I threw my head back to help get the pills down, and in the process, whacked it against the brick windowsill behind me. FML

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By Late marriage - 24/8/2017 14:00 - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By scarred4life - 27/4/2011 14:05 - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

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Top comments

By namine120409 | 40

#6246599 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:21

"I'm blocking you, creep"
"Hi blocking you creep; I'm dad."

By 17031990 | 20

#6246585 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:14

Incest... A game the whole family can play!

COMMENTS

By SideOfTheAngels | 23

#6246583 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:14

This is wrong on so many levels. I hope you don't take it too harshly.

Unixxxion | 22

#6246760 - Sunday 29 March 2015 16:55

how not to father 101...

By 17031990 | 20

#6246585 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:14

Incest... A game the whole family can play!

ycrem0n | 20

#6246597 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:19

Incest is best, put your daughter on the test.

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6247089 - Sunday 29 March 2015 23:26

it's gross

17031990 | 20

#6247195 - Monday 30 March 2015 1:19

No shit!

Jclan_91419 | 17

#6248305 - Tuesday 31 March 2015 7:28

Incest? More like Family Funtime

By GodPart2 | 20

#6246586 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:14

Time to call social services!

By TSDerandel | 21

#6246589 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:15

That is pret-ty weird. He meant well, but still.

DaDezza244 | 31

#6246781 - Sunday 29 March 2015 17:19

Sorry, what was the point of that hyphen? Am I missing something?

pastel_fml | 18

#6246786 - Sunday 29 March 2015 17:33

I believe the hyphen is just to show how she's pronouncing the word "pretty". I suppose it's a bit hard to explain, but it's like exaggerating the "pret" part, then "ty".

ironmany_fml | 23

#6247988 - Monday 30 March 2015 22:11

but why?

By WhatsYOURname6 | 25

#6246592 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:17

I hope to god he wasn't saying anything really sexual! :/

By Markovski | 18

#6246598 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:19

Either he is a creep, lying.
Or he has no sense of dadship.

fakedsincerity | 32

#6246668 - Sunday 29 March 2015 15:03

"dadship" what an excellent word.

xChaos | 29

#6246702 - Sunday 29 March 2015 16:02

He has no merit for "dadship".

By namine120409 | 40

#6246599 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:21

"I'm blocking you, creep"
"Hi blocking you creep; I'm dad."

WCARlover | 34

#6246641 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:21

First comment to make me lol in a while..well played

RainTears | 15

#6246769 - Sunday 29 March 2015 17:09

I will never understand why people don't block their stalkers immediantly....or at least change their number

nityasomaiya | 46

#6246817 - Sunday 29 March 2015 18:30

'LOL'
'Love you too honey'

By EclipseCandy6 | 24

#6246604 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:26

There's a difference between "someone liking you" and "someone creepily stalking you online" but I bet in real life it was a bit sweeter of him than how you put it though

By abNormal62 | 23

#6246605 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:27

Family meeting time?
Boundaries need to be set
And a spotlight on dad's actions needs to occur to clear the air or to put him on notice

By flyingmind_fml | 17

#6246606 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:31

i hope u didn't blame him on that he just wanted his daughter to b happy

AllSoul | 23

#6246634 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:14

There are different and better ways to make your daughter happy.

Aimeejasmine | 15

#6247108 - Sunday 29 March 2015 23:55

OP said 'creepy' messages, clearly implying they weren't flattering or kind, not to mention he practically told OP they were undesirable; he is completely in the wrong.