Health: Today, I found out that the cause of the recent pain in my chest... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/09/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I found out that the cause of the recent pain in my chest was that I had a torn muscle. What caused this? I sneezed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 953

You deserved it 3 286

Batman

Broken heart

Stop talking!

By Bob smith - 19/12/2011 20:57 - Australia

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 841

You deserved it 33 455

By unlucky - 16/12/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I went with my sister to her company Christmas party. They had a gift raffle, my number was called and I won $25 for a local restaurant. A few moments later, the manager came over and said, "You don't work here? You can't have that" and took it from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 442

You deserved it 7 116

X Æ A-12

By invalid - 07/06/2021 10:59

Today, while applying for jobs, every single application has been giving me the error message, "Name not valid." Sorry the name my parents gave me isn’t good enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 867

You deserved it 76

By Anonymous - 07/09/2018 22:00

Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 308

You deserved it 212

Getting the point across

By Anonymous - 05/05/2020 02:00

Today, I was discharged from hospital and I took a cab home. The driver drove really fast and made sharp turns that made me feel nauseous. As I opened my mouth to tell him to slow down, I threw up all over the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 612

You deserved it 113

Biphobia is a thing

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 06:01

Today, I’m bisexual. My straight friends think it’s a phase and I should just "pick one". My LGBTQ friends think I’m straight and should stop "posing". I’m regularly accused of trying to steal people's partners or asked to join marital threesomes. Can’t I just be a regular person? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 317

By Anonymous - 19/06/2014 14:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was feeling unappreciated and asked my boyfriend if he loves me. He faltered and replied, "Uh, my dick does." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 591

You deserved it 8 405

By phlyingphuck - 19/07/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I had a serious allergic reaction to the food I ate at a Chinese restaurant that supposedly didn't contain peanuts. According to my waitress, peanut oil "doesn't count". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 505

You deserved it 4 623

By Gabi - 20/02/2012 14:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 095

You deserved it 6 518

Horndog

By Anonymous - 25/04/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, despite giving my sister a place to stay while she's in town for a funeral, she demanded I give a bedroom to her son to have to himself, because, "How am I supposed to have 'sexy time' with my husband with him in the room?" Everyone's sharing rooms, and no one's getting sexy time as someone literally died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 414

You deserved it 85

By Anonymous - 31/01/2010 17:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while at a party, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started playing. For being the only one who didn't know the lyrics, I had beer thrown on me, my shirt stolen, and I was locked outside for half an hour. It's below freezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 888

You deserved it 37 570

By Anonymous - 19/05/2013 20:33 - United States

Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 609

You deserved it 6 372

Shedding

By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 13:58

Today, I found out, after having my third and last child, that I'm balding. I'm only 23 and quite frankly It's very much noticeable. How did I find out? My four-year-old daughter pointed it out to me, saying, "Mommy, why you shed like the dog?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 188

By anonymous - 20/11/2011 11:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, I caught my husband once again looking at half naked pictures of a friend of mine on Facebook. When I asked why he did it, he said "I was checking to see if they were still there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 629

You deserved it 5 018

By Anonymous - 24/02/2011 09:44 - New Zealand

Today, I walked ten miles to pick up my car from the towing station. Turns out there was enough change for the parking meter in the glovebox after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 882

You deserved it 27 449

By Anonymous - 26/05/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 582

You deserved it 3 405

Nice try, fed

By Anonymous - 21/09/2021 13:00 - Australia - Bankstown

Today, I was selling weed to a guy by text. He was using our code, saying, "Can I book a tutoring session at 6 o'clock?" I asked, "How many hours do you need?" He replied, "Three please." I said, "Sure." Then he said, "Just leave it in the blue Adidas again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 235

You deserved it 973

By AlonsoKold - 07/04/2014 23:39 - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I don't like her Facebook statuses enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 184

You deserved it 5 848

By Emmaraine189 - 28/04/2016 02:22 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I saw my cat licking something on the side of the road and went to check what it was. It was someone's old cigarette. I now know why she wants to be let out so often: She's addicted to nicotine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 306

You deserved it 1 285

By Anonymous - 16/05/2017 20:00

Today, I accidentally superglued my hand to my grandmother's ornate fan while trying to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 383

You deserved it 801

Dude…

By Anonymous - 27/01/2017 18:00

Spicy

Today, I told my girlfriend that I miss the amazing sex life we used to have, as we haven't had sex in months. She accidentally blurted out, "Well, I've still got one." It seems our neighbour has taken over my role in the bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 848

You deserved it 879

By Anonymous - 01/07/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I left my dog alone in the house for ten minutes while I took a shower. When I got out I found a mess of dust all over the floor and her ripping up a package that was supposed to be sent to my aunt. It contained my grandmother's ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 743

You deserved it 7 890

By trollbot13 - 24/10/2016 09:39 - India - Hyderabad

Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my boss's words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 942

You deserved it 1 260

By Noname - 17/03/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I was flirting with a really hot guy at a track meet and I gave him my number. When I asked him what school he went to he replied, "Oh, I don't go to school, We're from the juvenile corrections facility." FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 118

You deserved it 24 487

Watch where you're going

By Marriage at it's finest.. - 22/05/2021 13:59

Today, I was riding my scooter and humming a tune while doing so. It happened to be the tune you hear at weddings. I got married to the garage door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 281

You deserved it 657

By TractorUWG - 27/09/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I received a $100 bill in the mail as a late graduation present. I placed it on the table so I could go to the bathroom. I come back to find the table empty and my $100 bill missing. The fan blew the money on the floor and my 8 week old puppy ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 272

You deserved it 18 083

By GAGirl1 - 01/05/2014 21:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to drive to India. Thinking he meant Indiana, I said sure, knowing I have friends there. He said, "Bangladesh, India, here we come!" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 983

You deserved it 7 201

By SeatofIgnorance - 29/08/2017 04:30

Today, during an emergency bathroom visit, I finally broke the toilet seat my fiance had nagged me for months to replace. The broken seat sent me sprawling to the floor. I was still shitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 660

You deserved it 4 885

By M.SHUKRI - 29/03/2015 12:54 - United States - Round Lake

Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 741

You deserved it 3 222

Forgetful

By Superdumb - 26/11/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 742

You deserved it 5 267

By thatgirl - 10/10/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a respectable, successful, polite, and attractive guy. Ten minutes into the conversation, I find out he's a neo-Nazi and earned a swastika tattoo in prison for "something shady." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 012

You deserved it 3 536

By Anonymous - 18/04/2018 11:00 - United States - Twin Falls

Today, I went to the park to read “The Book Thief”. I fell asleep and when I woke up, my book was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 282

You deserved it 973

By Anonymous - 22/07/2015 06:18

Today, a girl with a picture of One Direction as her desktop asked if I wanted to partner with her on a 70% law assignment. Two hours after saying no, I found out that she's a legal genius with a guaranteed job in the field and a near perfect GPA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 079

You deserved it 52 584

By Anonymous - 20/02/2015 01:46 - United States - Lebanon

Today, my mother moved in to my 2-bedroom apartment with me. She brought her boyfriend, 4 chihuahuas, and 2 birds with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 782

You deserved it 5 080

By Anonymous - 09/08/2017 20:00

Spicy

Today, I got a call from the wife, but I was asleep so she left a voicemail. Seems like she accidentally called while sleeping with another man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 034

You deserved it 342

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 00:32 - United States

Today, I had to make up a story about my "friends" at school so my mom doesn't keep telling I'm a loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 583

You deserved it 6 797

By ordinaryday - 22/05/2012 12:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 183

You deserved it 3 311

The receipts, the tea

By over and over it - 19/03/2021 16:30 - United States

Today, I found out a guy I used to date is trying to get me fired from my dream job. He found an old flip phone with a text argument we had nearly 17 years ago. He wants me punished for things I said when I was an angry 15 year old-kid. HR is now looking into the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 571

You deserved it 94

Bad actor

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 23:00

Spicy

Today, I tried faking an orgasm for the first time, because I thought it would be sexy for my boyfriend. He stopped to ask me if I was okay. I guess I'm not good at faking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 312

You deserved it 1 137

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 637

You deserved it 12 714

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:15

ouch

dacho 7

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:28

YDI for sneezing >.>

Comments

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:15

ouch

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:28

maybe u need to work your muscles out a little more OP

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:37

You can also break a rib from sneezing. Just a handy fact I thought I would share with you...

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Saturday 18 September 2010 14:55

last time I checked people do not have a sneezing gland.

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Saturday 18 September 2010 14:57

lol my dad hurt his neck eating a sandwhich so don't feel too bad :)

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Saturday 18 September 2010 15:00

except for that if you don't sneeze the bad pathogens can't get out of your body causing various disease and infection leading to death. the only reason we sneeze is to keep ourselves healthy but I guess that's not important either.

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Saturday 18 September 2010 15:03

I don't get how doing such simple things causes so many injuries lol life sucks :P

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Saturday 18 September 2010 15:23

Is it because you don't have enough meat and fat? :)

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Saturday 18 September 2010 15:40

or you could stop being obnoxious and stop commenting about useless things

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Saturday 18 September 2010 18:53

you probably sneezed way too hard. this can happen.

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Saturday 18 September 2010 19:22

When I modded this it was coughing..

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Saturday 18 September 2010 23:14

Are you kidding me? Even if this was true, why would we worry about someone pulling a muscle or breaking a rib from sneezing instead of the economic crisis or the war or anything for that matter. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??

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Sunday 19 September 2010 5:06

LMAO I was wondering where the kid who told crazy but funny stories had gone.

black_knight402 0

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Sunday 19 September 2010 9:01

I hear you can die from farting your kidneys put

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:18

lol I have bad allergies, so I sneeze alot during this time of year...

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:18

Wow.. never knew that could happen xD like a found out if I lift my hands up I automatically breathe :S ok it's off topic but still.. lol

Dragons_corner 6

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:30

if you hold in a sneeze you can burst a blood vessel in you neck and bleed to death too. that would be something to tell people. yeah my wife/husband held in a sneeze and busted a vessel in the neck and bleed to death while make ballon animals.

hairt 4

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:34

#3 what the fuck are you talking about?! you don't breathe automatically all the time?!

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Saturday 18 September 2010 13:48

no I mean if I hold my breath and lift up my arms I automatically breathe while trying NOT to breath.. lol why are you swearing? :o

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Saturday 18 September 2010 14:11

oh here's an interesting one!! You can't die from holding your breath until you pass out.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 6:16

Nope. You could go into a coma though right? I think...

hairt 4

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:26

AAAAAAUUUUCH

dacho 7

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:28

YDI for sneezing >.>

skwishTHEfishyy 0

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Saturday 18 September 2010 12:32

damn. that's just. daaaamn.

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Saturday 18 September 2010 13:12

Are you a 92 year old woman? Do you live like one? Your fault for sheltering yourself. I recommend breathing excersices maybe they'll strengthen your mediastinum. Wimp.

deafeningsilence 8

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Saturday 18 September 2010 13:13

:0

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Saturday 18 September 2010 13:17

dude that sucks

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Saturday 18 September 2010 13:21

same here I always get sick at this time of year. stuffy nose mucus filled throat sounds gross but getse out of school plus I through really gets stuffed up try mucinex raLly helps

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 35

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 233

You deserved it 42

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 614

You deserved it 684