Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've... - FML

By de-ow-dorant

Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've ever sneezed before. I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder. FML

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Proactive

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Taking stock

By JulieClaire

Today, while driving home I saw a few deer running beside me. I stopped to let them go in front. Instead, one face-plants, ramming into the side of my brand new car. FML

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By Danger Dave - 21/12/2020 04:58

Panic

Today, it's been almost 24 hours since my wife bent down and couldn't get back up. After laying in bed all day in agony with a bad back, an ambulance was called. She still currently can't stand in the hospital. I have two kids to look after and am supposed to be in work tomorrow. I have no idea what to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2021 13:57

Blood is thicker…

Today, it's been a dozen years since I had sex, as my husband is mentally dealing with molestation as a kid by his uncle. Meanwhile, his mother is on vacation with the molester. Yes, she knows. FML

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By myennechee - Germany

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

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By JustWantedToRelax - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

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By Donutsarelife - United States

Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Ville-d'avray

Today, after a drunken New Year's Eve party with friends, I woke up with a penis on my cheek. It wasn't a drawing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my little sister, who's still in high school, proved beyond a doubt she's better at my computer repair job than I am. She proved it in front of my customers and my manager, who brushed me aside and offered her a job as soon as she graduates. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Ramon

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

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By fuck YOLO - United States - Ramona

Today, my cousin is visiting from Oklahoma. He can't go a minute without saying "YOLO" or "Swag". He's going to be here for a week. FML

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By mary

Boundaries please!

Today, my boyfriend threatened to break up with me because I still close the door when I go to the bathroom. He pees and poops with the door wide open and expects me to do the same. FML

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By thanks guys

Today, I’ve been suffering with a fever of 104° as well as an ear and sinus infection. I asked my mom and sister if they could get me meds and fluids from the store. I sent them money through my bank app for the supplies. They took my money and went to lunch instead. I’m still sick as a dog. FML

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobody cared about me and that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make those noises, at least shut the door." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. I went camping alone. Two strangers were in my camper having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, when his sister knocked on the door and asked if she could borrow the zombie movie we were watching after we were done with it. We weren't watching a movie; I was just moaning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I arrived at my apartment to find the door kicked in. Inside, I found my TV, Xbox, stereo, CDs, and laptop had all been stolen. When my roommate got home, I told him about it, to which he replied, "Yeah, I left my keys inside this morning, so I kicked the door in to get them." He left with the door kicked in. FML

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By tgd4444 - Malaysia

Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Bodyshaming

Today, my coworker doesn't want to go to lunch with me anymore, after I lost a load of weight in lockdown and she's still "overweight." Apparently, I've "changed, and not the same person." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while trying to help my disabled uncle into his walker, his one testicle popped out of the leg of his short shorts. I asked him to adjust himself and had to hold on to his walker as he did it. FML

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By tattooooooface - United States

Today, my dad found out I got a tattoo behind his back and is really really upset. When I got home from work my car wasn't in the driveway. When I asked my dad where it was, he replied "you'll get it back when your tattoo comes off." FML

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By babyscarface - United States - Orange

Today, I was grabbed and romantically kissed at the crowded carnival. Unfortunately, it was not by my husband but instead it was a complete stranger, in front of my husband and children. Now, my husband will not talk or believe that I didn't know the man, and my children think I'm a cheater. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, I was really impressed with the man I've been in a relationship with for over 2 years. He had finally really cleaned his apartment. Everything was washed and fixed, even my stuff was cleared from open surfaces. All so his lover would not find out about me. FML

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By Humbug - United States

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

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By ohhotdamn - United States

Today, for my mom's 50th birthday all she wanted was this gold bracelet. It was too much money for me to buy so I bought the same one in silver. Right before I gave it to her, my older sister gave her the gold bracelet which made her cry. When I gave her my present she just said "oh." FML

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By ppema - United States

Today, I went to a frozen yogurt stand with my dad. One of the flavors was called "Juicy Cherry." I had to stand there and watch in horror as he told the woman running the stand all about how he'd like to taste her juicy cherry. FML

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By fernie vazquez - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML

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By Dana - Netherlands

Today, I finally mustered the courage to tell my crush how I feel. He's a straight-A student and very nice in general. After I finished pouring my heart out, he stared at me for a bit and then said: "Nice rack." FML

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By diamondsareforever - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML

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By skreweduP - United States

Today, I went on a date with this guy and he was on his phone the whole night. When I got home I checked his facebook since he barely paid attention to me. His status was, "So-and-so is taking out the trash" from mobile posted an hour ago. I got home from my date 30 mins ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I downloaded a movie for my mom that she really likes, "When Harry Met Sally". When she loaded the file, we soon found out it was actually some kind of obscure porno billed as "When Harry Wet Sally". FML

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By smurftastic - United States - Murrieta

Today, my company is doing so bad that I had to take down my symbolic first dollar so that I could buy a roll of crackers for dinner. FML

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By Braceyourself - United States - San Pablo

Today, I went in for an audition. Since my wrist had been in a brace all week, I felt I would be fine without it for one day because I didn't want it to be a distraction. I tripped in the middle of the dance routine and crashed on top of my injured wrist. FML

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By TheGirl - United States

Today, I was snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch. We ended up falling asleep, and when I woke up I felt a slobberly substance running down my face. It turns out, my boyfriend drooled so much, it filled my ear and overflowed onto my face. FML

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By talwin - Reserved

Today, I discovered that the more money I earn, the more my personal belongings break down on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were talking about childhood memories. He told me about a girl he made fun of in middle school. That was me. FML

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By amiezingme - United States - Swansboro

Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part: he was by himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that all the everyday Spanish words and phrases my boyfriend has been teaching me have very vulgar meanings. I found this out after I said a few to our waitress. FML

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Top comments

By AC98 | 19

#7392213 - Thursday 19 January 2017 10:30

How the hell does that even happen?

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#7392244 - Thursday 19 January 2017 11:54

Well that'll be an interesting story to explain. Don't worry OP, stuff like this happens. I went to school with a girl, and she dislocated her shoulder parallel parking, during her driving test of all times, just turned in the wrong way and injured it. Unfortunate, but kind of a funny and odd way for it to happen.

COMMENTS

By AC98 | 19

#7392213 - Thursday 19 January 2017 10:30

How the hell does that even happen?

Reply

Soninuva | 41

#7392563 - Thursday 19 January 2017 23:58

I can see it not being that difficult. Some people (myself included) sneeze very violently. So much so that the force of the sneeze shakes my whole body quite hard(for reference, let me mention that I'm 6'1" and weigh 220 lbs). If I had a limb in an unusual position, I could easily see it becoming dislocated.

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#7392244 - Thursday 19 January 2017 11:54

Well that'll be an interesting story to explain. Don't worry OP, stuff like this happens. I went to school with a girl, and she dislocated her shoulder parallel parking, during her driving test of all times, just turned in the wrong way and injured it. Unfortunate, but kind of a funny and odd way for it to happen.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7392294 - Thursday 19 January 2017 13:40

Don't you know your not suppose to sneeze when solving deodorant!!!!!!

By ApplePie1994 | 27

#7392371 - Thursday 19 January 2017 16:10

Puns for days!

By WolfMaestro | 12

#7392405 - Thursday 19 January 2017 18:19

I did that and threw my back out

By species4872 | 19

#7392419 - Thursday 19 January 2017 18:49

<p> Crippled but smells nice.</p>

By nattlecakes | 19

#7392517 - Thursday 19 January 2017 22:43

If I sneeze in any unrelated position then the same type of thing happens to me and my body aches. Never sneezed that hard though!

Reply

nattlecakes | 19

#7392518 - Thursday 19 January 2017 22:45

Meant unrelaxed* but it wouldn't let me edit my comment due to some error :/

By shadowl | 11

#7392592 - Friday 20 January 2017 0:47

I've had some hard sneezes, so I truely believe your story. Worst that ever happened to me during a sneeze was just biting a piece of my cheeck fortunately.

By DerpingtonHerp | 14

#7392622 - Friday 20 January 2017 2:57

<p>Stretch. Stretching is key.</p>

By drew2375 | 3

#7392641 - Friday 20 January 2017 4:39

Been there before. It sucks. FYL for sure.