Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've... - FML

By de-ow-dorant

Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've ever sneezed before. I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder. FML

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Spooky

Bad news

The end of the road

By Anonymous - United States - Brunswick

Today, my dog once again desperately tried to yank me straight into the path of a bus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Landlords are scum

Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

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By Laceylace - United States

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

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By El Sayer - 3/3/2020 23:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Hey, Big Spender!

Today, I put a lock on my account because of several unknown purchases for large amounts. Turns out it was my girlfriend, without asking. Who is now mad at me for blocking her parcels. FML

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By :| - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was assigned to fill in for a French teacher who was out sick. I had asked the class to name some French-speaking countries. I called on one girl and she replied, "Uh, Europe. That's, like, the only other one, right?" Nobody disagreed. I'm filling in for the rest of the month. FML

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By unlucky - United States

Trial and mainly error

Today, I have done enough trials to confirm that I puke after each time I have sex. FML

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By underachiever - Australia

Today, while on my graveyard shift at an inner-city backpackers lodge, a drunk pissed in a dorm at 4am. I had to clean up after him, wash all the luggage that got dowsed, clean up 2 separate piles of puke, and help 3 drunken Brits back to their room while they abused me. I have a science degree. FML

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By evil Santa - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

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By Archie - United States

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML

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By DoesNotLikeCubes - Qatar

Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a youtube video for how to do rubik's cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scroll down at the comments and read "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!". I'm 28 and still couldn't get it, even with a guide. FML

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By badbride - United States

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

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By WorkerBee

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

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By ugh - United States - Dearborn

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I found out if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, it does in fact make a sound, and also $5,000 worth of damage to your truck. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I was convinced I hadn't locked up properly when leaving work, and almost had a panic attack at the train station. I went all the way back into work, to find I had in fact locked up properly. It made me nearly two hours late home. This isn't the first time I've done this. FML

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By Shnur - United States

Today, my patient, a chubby little girl, stood on a scale to measure her weight. She was 5 yrs old and weighed 65 lbs. I started giving her advice on eating healthy: fruits, vegetables, and more greens. She turned to her mother giving a look of shock and said, "But mommy, the doctor is fat too!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML

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By Aleial - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's "therapy" meetings have been with my best friend, in his truck. FML

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By flipflap

Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn't find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML

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By mrb72 - United States

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

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By elipses - Canada

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report I found out that instead of saying "Thank you" I had said "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting my $150 bonus. FML

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By rejected4ever - United States

Today, for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the shower and had just finished washing my face. When I put the soap down I noticed a curly, black hair stuck to it. Im blond. The only other person who uses that bathroom is my uncle. I just rubbed my uncle's pubic hair all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 08:00

Frustration

Today, my wife is still refusing all forms of sex, because she thinks if she gets pregnant during lockdown, she’ll be the butt of all her friends' jokes about what people get up to to relieve the lockdown boredom. I know what I’d like to be getting up to right now to relieve my boredom. FML

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By UglyFace - United Kingdom

Today, my parents told me they'd be willing to pay for me to get a nose job. I asked them what was wrong with my nose, and they said nothing, it's just not the kind of nose they'd prefer to feature in our Christmas photos. FML

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By Emily 1992 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, and for the past 3 days, I've had a massive migraine. It finally went away while I was at work, thanks to my nose bleeding all over the place. FML

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By in pain and tardy - United States - Easthampton

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I arrived early so I could check in with the receptionists about this weird communication mixup that's caused me to miss my last two appointments. Despite what my appointment card said, I arrived to find the office closed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML

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By fmyboss

People never learn

Today, I was made fun of at work by my mom and my supervisor. I work at a kids' anti-bullying camp. FML

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By concernedson - Australia

Today, while my mom was out, my family agreed upon the assumption that she has a "shopping problem." I argued against it for quite a while, until she pulled up minutes later with a what seemed like a life-time supply of canned condensed milk. FML

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By AyDiosMio42 - United States

Today, I stepped on the MacBook Air I purchased 4 days ago. The screen snapped in two, and I didn't buy insurance because I promised myself I would be "extra careful." $3500 well spent. FML

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By SadMother - United States - South Windsor

Today, I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend over the phone about having sex. She said, "You have to piss on me to get me pregnant, that's what I heard anyway." She's 16. FML

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By johnnycomehelpme - United States - Skokie

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. Her excuse? I was the one that had initially introduced them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, my family was celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday. I pulled a little prank and got candles that keep relighting. After a few blows, my grandma fainted. FML

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By girlymae - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

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By whatdidimarry - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I caught my husband and the cat licking the butter together. FML

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By pardon my English :$ - France

Today, I let a friend read a draft of the novel I'm writing. She claimed the antagonist is blatantly based on her, and threatened to sue me if I don't pay her royalties. The antagonist is an ancient, insane goblin witch. I guess I see now how this confusion could arise. FML

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By nevasurprised - Germany

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher; I've already given students detention for falling asleep in class this year. FML

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By Scammed - Mexico - Mexicali

Today, a week after spending most of my paycheck on a down-payment and rent on a new apartment, I found out the "landlord" I paid was a scammer. Turns out the real owner was away on vacation, and he'd stolen most of her stuff before showing me the place. FML

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Top comments

By AC98 | 19

#7392213 - Thursday 19 January 2017 10:30

How the hell does that even happen?

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#7392244 - Thursday 19 January 2017 11:54

Well that'll be an interesting story to explain. Don't worry OP, stuff like this happens. I went to school with a girl, and she dislocated her shoulder parallel parking, during her driving test of all times, just turned in the wrong way and injured it. Unfortunate, but kind of a funny and odd way for it to happen.

COMMENTS

By AC98 | 19

#7392213 - Thursday 19 January 2017 10:30

How the hell does that even happen?

Reply

Soninuva | 41

#7392563 - Thursday 19 January 2017 23:58

I can see it not being that difficult. Some people (myself included) sneeze very violently. So much so that the force of the sneeze shakes my whole body quite hard(for reference, let me mention that I'm 6'1" and weigh 220 lbs). If I had a limb in an unusual position, I could easily see it becoming dislocated.

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#7392244 - Thursday 19 January 2017 11:54

Well that'll be an interesting story to explain. Don't worry OP, stuff like this happens. I went to school with a girl, and she dislocated her shoulder parallel parking, during her driving test of all times, just turned in the wrong way and injured it. Unfortunate, but kind of a funny and odd way for it to happen.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7392294 - Thursday 19 January 2017 13:40

Don't you know your not suppose to sneeze when solving deodorant!!!!!!

By ApplePie1994 | 27

#7392371 - Thursday 19 January 2017 16:10

Puns for days!

By WolfMaestro | 12

#7392405 - Thursday 19 January 2017 18:19

I did that and threw my back out

By species4872 | 19

#7392419 - Thursday 19 January 2017 18:49

<p> Crippled but smells nice.</p>

By nattlecakes | 19

#7392517 - Thursday 19 January 2017 22:43

If I sneeze in any unrelated position then the same type of thing happens to me and my body aches. Never sneezed that hard though!

Reply

nattlecakes | 19

#7392518 - Thursday 19 January 2017 22:45

Meant unrelaxed* but it wouldn't let me edit my comment due to some error :/

By shadowl | 11

#7392592 - Friday 20 January 2017 0:47

I've had some hard sneezes, so I truely believe your story. Worst that ever happened to me during a sneeze was just biting a piece of my cheeck fortunately.

By DerpingtonHerp | 14

#7392622 - Friday 20 January 2017 2:57

<p>Stretch. Stretching is key.</p>

By drew2375 | 3

#7392641 - Friday 20 January 2017 4:39

Been there before. It sucks. FYL for sure.