Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've... - FML

By de-ow-dorant - 19/1/2017 08:00

Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've ever sneezed before. I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder. FML

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Workaholic

They're everywhere

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 4/7/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2 month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

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By Anna - 15/6/2012 09:43 - United States - Buellton

Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

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By anonymous - 8/6/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, my husband and I got married. The only thing that is different so far is that he now thinks that it's okay to shit with the door open. FML

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By Muscle - 6/3/2009 21:07 - Canada

Today, I flew home early from a two month trip to Europe to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. When I got to his house with a home baked cake from scratch and a quilt with slik-screened pictures from my trip, his roommate answered the door and said "Oh sorry, he's out with his girlfriend." FML

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By flipnazn - 15/7/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

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By awkwardpaul - 22/11/2013 10:18 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I sent a group text round to my friends asking if they wanted to hang out sometime. One of my friends thought this was aimed directly at her and confessed her love for me. FML

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By fmal - 7/5/2009 03:47 - United States

Today, I realized my wedding ring was missing. Turns out, my son had taken it to give to a girl he likes in the 2nd grade. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2016 11:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, an attention seeking weirdo who thinks she's my friend asked me who was going to be the maid of honour at my wedding. Knowing what she was really asking, I said I just want a small, non-fancy wedding with no bridesmaids. She broke down into a sobbing mess in front of me. FML

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By gutted - 7/5/2012 02:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She promptly had a panic attack and screamed, "No!" FML

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By Skittlezzz0901 - 21/3/2017 19:00 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, my manager said I could go on a break when he came back from his. After 7 hours with him still missing, I started to get dizzy. I ended up passing out and hitting my head on a ladder from lack of food. I woke up in the hospital to a card from my manager saying, "Get Well. Don't Sue." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 14:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that my homophobic boyfriend, who I was giving a chance to grow the fuck up and get over his obsession with bashing gays, has been cheating on me with another man. FML

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By moe472 - 24/1/2012 02:47 - United States

Today, my boss fired me because I look like her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By maybe if i was paid like them i would - 14/8/2015 22:42 - United States - Houston

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I had any kinks, so I told him all about them. He was actually mad because I didn't have the same 'sexy kinks' the girls in porn have. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2016 02:44 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I received a phone call from my boss, from the other side of the country. It seems the conference I sent him to is actually happening next week. FML

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By plzdontclapme - 1/7/2012 23:03

Today, I tripped on the way back from collecting a prize in front of 600 students and their parents. I got more applause than I did when collecting the prize. FML

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By BaconBreathBlonde - 30/10/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

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By strictly cum prancing - 11/12/2015 19:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend backed out on our date so he could help his best friend get ready for some kind of drag queen competition. FML

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By ihatemyparents - 22/1/2011 20:20 - United States

Today, my parents confiscated my iPod, because the parents' group they go to came to the conclusion that music is a gateway to anti-social behavior. FML

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By Turbo - 17/6/2019 02:23

Today, as a truck driver, I was flipped off, cursed at, told to go to hell and several other obscenities because I was a half-hour EARLY to my delivery. FML

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By brokewithnocar - 21/1/2017 20:00

Today, my mom changed her mind about driving me to a job interview because she wants to attend a meeting at a church she told me she'd never go back to, full of people she hates. I can't drive because she refuses to teach me how. There's no public transportation. FML

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By ZeldaovaPeach - 5/7/2016 12:44 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2012 23:20 - Sri Lanka - Piliyandala

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2012 18:50 - United States - Castle Rock

Idiots on bikes

Today, as I pulled to a halt at a stop sign, a cyclist ripped through the air, slammed straight into my fender, and almost launched over my car. I ended up being cited for reckless driving. FML

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By GiWi - 18/11/2009 16:45 - Ireland

Today, I asked my boss a simple question about a problem I was having with a project I am currently doing. He replied: ''You don't worry your sweet little ass about it babe". My boss is my girlfriend's father. Nice. FML

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By ajodasdojsad - 21/3/2015 15:12 - United Kingdom - Ewell

Today, I was playing charades with my boyfriend and family. The answer was "Beckoning" so I acted it out with a "come here" gesture. He looked confused for a second, then blurted out "Fingering?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2014 17:43 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 14:00

Today, my son begged me to take him to the doctor for the weeping bloody rash on his penis so I had to take an unpaid day off for his appointment. The doctor laughed us out the door after it turned out to be a good old-fashioned friction burn. FML

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By good mom - 5/11/2019 19:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Who is the worst?

Today, despite the fact that I own my home, car and have a career, I was once again told that I’ve shamed my family by being a single mom. Meanwhile, my brother has four kids with three different women and constantly hits up every family member for money. He gets nothing but just support. FML

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By kyle - 5/6/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, my friend pushed me into the swimming pool. Unfortunately, we were eight feet away from the actual pool, so I face-planted and rolled in. FML

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By [email protected] - 6/12/2008 04:54 - France

Today, I decided to spend a night of love with my darling, so I arranged to meet him in a very classy hotel, gave him the room number and waited in a super-sexy outfit. There was a knock at the door, so I opened it enticingly, convinced it was him. It was room service. FML

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By CreepedOut - 9/3/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I walked into a subway car which was empty except for this sleeping hobo. Three stops later, the guy wakes up and starts peeing in the corner. I ignore it thinking he'll go back to sleep. Silly me, I didn't realize that he would start running towards me, still peeing. FML

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By Great - 9/4/2014 01:42 - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2018 08:00 - United States - Macon

Today, as I was pulling into work at 15 weeks pregnant, I projectile vomit all over myself and my vehicle. I had an emotional breakdown as I went back home, and called my boss to let him know I would not be in that day. I am now looking for a new job. FML

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By fmlmylife - 11/3/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked on to my school's campus where I then got suspended by my dean for "trying to rebel", grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and an MIP from the school's police guard. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, I asked for permission to marry the girl I love. Her father not only said no, he said "HELL no!" FML

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By zyordz - 27/6/2009 04:12 - Peru

Today, I was working at a soup kitchen with people from my church. Seeing a rather disheveled couple, I told them the line started "over there". Only then did I realize that they were from my church, and were there to help serve soup. FML

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By sammarli530 - 29/5/2013 16:24 - United States - New Lenox

Today, after calling the insurance plan for my new iPhone a "huge waste of money", I promptly dropped it in the store while trying to put it into my pocket, cracking the screen. FML

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By ugh - 4/7/2013 18:28 - South Africa - Durban

Today, as I was enjoying a nice fish salad, my father looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Ahh, salmon. The 'other' pink meat", then winked suggestively at my mother. I don't think I can ever eat fish again. FML

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By sadnj - 25/3/2017 00:00

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with my attractive and seemingly charming neighbor. Yesterday, his house was raided and he was arrested for running a heroin ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 04:01 - United States

Try to do a nice thing…

Today, I mowed our lawn without being asked. My sister wouldn't stop yelling at me for not checking with her, because she wanted the grass to get long enough to "play jungle" in. My mom sided with her. FML

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Top comments

By AC98 | 19

#7392213 - Thursday 19 January 2017 10:30

How the hell does that even happen?

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#7392244 - Thursday 19 January 2017 11:54

Well that'll be an interesting story to explain. Don't worry OP, stuff like this happens. I went to school with a girl, and she dislocated her shoulder parallel parking, during her driving test of all times, just turned in the wrong way and injured it. Unfortunate, but kind of a funny and odd way for it to happen.

COMMENTS

By AC98 | 19

#7392213 - Thursday 19 January 2017 10:30

How the hell does that even happen?

Reply

Soninuva | 41

#7392563 - Thursday 19 January 2017 23:58

I can see it not being that difficult. Some people (myself included) sneeze very violently. So much so that the force of the sneeze shakes my whole body quite hard(for reference, let me mention that I'm 6'1" and weigh 220 lbs). If I had a limb in an unusual position, I could easily see it becoming dislocated.

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#7392244 - Thursday 19 January 2017 11:54

Well that'll be an interesting story to explain. Don't worry OP, stuff like this happens. I went to school with a girl, and she dislocated her shoulder parallel parking, during her driving test of all times, just turned in the wrong way and injured it. Unfortunate, but kind of a funny and odd way for it to happen.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7392294 - Thursday 19 January 2017 13:40

Don't you know your not suppose to sneeze when solving deodorant!!!!!!

By ApplePie1994 | 27

#7392371 - Thursday 19 January 2017 16:10

Puns for days!

By WolfMaestro | 12

#7392405 - Thursday 19 January 2017 18:19

I did that and threw my back out

By species4872 | 19

#7392419 - Thursday 19 January 2017 18:49

Crippled but smells nice.

By nattlecakes | 19

#7392517 - Thursday 19 January 2017 22:43

If I sneeze in any unrelated position then the same type of thing happens to me and my body aches. Never sneezed that hard though!

Reply

nattlecakes | 19

#7392518 - Thursday 19 January 2017 22:45

Meant unrelaxed* but it wouldn't let me edit my comment due to some error :/

By shadowl | 11

#7392592 - Friday 20 January 2017 0:47

I've had some hard sneezes, so I truely believe your story. Worst that ever happened to me during a sneeze was just biting a piece of my cheeck fortunately.

By DerpingtonHerp | 14

#7392622 - Friday 20 January 2017 2:57

Stretch. Stretching is key.

By drew2375 | 3

#7392641 - Friday 20 January 2017 4:39

Been there before. It sucks. FYL for sure.