Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML
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Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it. I'm extremely allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and best friend making out. His explanation was that he was trying to stop her from having an allergic reaction to peanut butter. FML
Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML
Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML
Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I finally decided to try an alternative to peanut butter, since I found out I was allergic a while back. Two hours later I had to be sent home because the allegedly allergen-free SunButter caused my lips and throat to swell and patches of rashes to form all over my body. FML
Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML
Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML
Today, I told my wife if she wanted to get a divorce, she just had to get a cat since I'm deathly allergic. She got two. FML
Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML
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Top comments
cradle6 13
That's...incredibly bitchy
DanLikesDodge 5
It's peanut butter-jelly time!!!
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Comments (205)
Glidefedt 6
So if she gave you a *******.. It would increase in size? Have your meds nearby and get ready for some fun!
BostonBruinsFan 8
What a giant BONER that wud be for the OP
Hamcons 1
Tell her, "that's okay". Because you won't want to kiss her fat ass in the near future. Peanut butter and jelly is not going to make her skinny.
fukthisss 5
I agree!
thewife5 19
I eat PB & J all the time.. So whatever
GoW_Chick 15
Yeah listen to "the wife" she knows what she's talking about...
smash8 4
Yeah I think she would know what she is talking about, considering she is talking about herself. That's just my opinion though.
GoW_Chick 15
You don't catch on to underlying meanings to quick do you?
thewife5 19
You don't get fat from eating PB&J.. You get fat from playing video games and post several times on every single FML posted.. Wait for it..
perdix 31
I see where this is going. Cash in your 401k and send all your money to a secret account in the Cayman Islands (where it can hang out with Mitt Romney's money), and get a job that pays you under the table in cash. Then, file for divorce. Or, you could simply brush your teeth.
Calyx_fml 22
She doesnt even want to kiss you?! Almond butter is better anyway. If she won't switch then divorce her. Seriously. You can do better.
manda_baby_rawr 4
I'm pretty sure that if OP is deathly allergic to peanuts, they're probably allergic to almonds as well. My boyfriend is deathly allergic to all nuts, even coconut somehow makes him sick even though it isn't technically a nut. Also, soy butter is better.
AshleyCole 0
Maybe you taste bad and she's too afraid to tell you?
obviousboy 8
Sounds like someone is going for **** of the year.
ilove80smetal 8
Next time before you go down on her. Eat a shit load of pepper. :)
Trembelwick 5
And this is where she puts a FML up saying 'today my boyfriend told me he cheats on me on purpose because I won't kiss him. FML'
theonlysweetpea 10
As someone with lots of allergies including nuts (all of them) I'd divorce her. Not exactly for what she did but why. At best she's a ****, at worst a scheming killer. Watch out OP.
Dracoboxer357 36
My wife is deathly allergic to mushrooms, which I really enjoy. Even if she insists I buy them for myself anyways, I never will. I like mushrooms, but I love my wife, definitely not worth even remotely chancing it. I agree with you, if OP's wife is either that selfish or murderous, he shouldn't be with her, IMHO.
blackvyper 8
******* man up!
Patts_fml 4
And by "man up" you mean die from an allegic reaction? Damn, that's hardcore...