Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it. I'm extremely allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and best friend making out. His explanation was that he was trying to stop her from having an allergic reaction to peanut butter. FML
Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML
Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML
Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I finally decided to try an alternative to peanut butter, since I found out I was allergic a while back. Two hours later I had to be sent home because the allegedly allergen-free SunButter caused my lips and throat to swell and patches of rashes to form all over my body. FML
Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML
Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML
Today, I told my wife if she wanted to get a divorce, she just had to get a cat since I'm deathly allergic. She got two. FML
Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML
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Top comments
cradle6 13
That's...incredibly bitchy
DanLikesDodge 5
It's peanut butter-jelly time!!!
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Comments (205)
xShannonxSammyx 7
You're married to a very unkind woman.
honeybadger123 0
bitch much?
EmmyBabe_fml 0
Stupid comment much?
DocBastard 40
Honey badger don't give a shit.
BostonBruinsFan 8
(add-on to ^ reply) Don't FML while high!!
perdix 31
Look out for the PB & Va-J-J sandwich! Especially if your wife has recently taken out a big life insurance policy out on you.
abbybailey204 19
If she ever says she wants to have sex just say "I'm allergic to condoms."
xStaciexLynnx 15
If they're married there's a large chance they don't USE condoms so that would do nothing.
Roevera 14
There's a large chance they do if they don't want kids.. being married isn't a form of birth control.
smurfsarwales 9
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if she doesn't want to kiss, I doubt she wants to have sex. Unless OP's wife is one of those prostitutes who never kiss people.
TexasMud 8
#19 does that work?!??!? X) #45 wait it isn't?!? Then why the hell do people get married. FML
GoWithTheFro 10
There has to be some reason for that, are you a bad kisser?
22cute 17
Really! Finally someone with a relevant response! Op must be a really bad kisser or have bad breath. Talk you your wife find out what needs fixing instead of bitchin to strangers, Op!
GoW_Chick 15
I'm deathly allergic to peanuts too, we can not kiss your wife together!
shann2u2 5
I'm in oklahoma so from my point of view: if u dip or don't scrub ur grill u deserve it. If that's not the case find someone who kisses u breathless!
skittihorse 8
Come again?
dumboears 8
In the first part I think he means, "If you don't brush your teeth you deserve it." But everything else in that comment is beyond me. We need DocBastard to help us out here.
weasel123 9
Ugh, you make us Okies sound like idiots...
KeyboardWarrior 10
Saying you are in oklahoma was irrelevant to your sentence, unless you were trying to imply that people who live there type like idiots.
renesmeebb 0
Wow what a bitch move!! But then again why wouldn't she wanna kiss you? Have you asked yourself that?
leaffan 1
If you are deathly allergic then just the smell could kill you.
DocBastard 40
If you're that allergic to peanuts, you shouldn't even have them in the house. If your wife is insisting on buying and eating peanut butter, I'd call your insurance broker and change the beneficiary on your life insurance. And I'd watch your back - she's obviously trying to rub you out.
Dracoboxer357 36
^ Agreed. My wife is deathly allergic to mushrooms. As much as I like them, I won't have them in the house at all. Kind of like having her around. :)