Horse Riding Fail

Today, I was finally having a conversation with my granny, who I don't get to see often. First thing she tells me was that she was going to have surgery soon, because her "women's insides" were "dangling out." FML

Proactive

A beautiful truck decoration

Non-baby fever

By David - 11/10/2019 02:00 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Annie's Song

1450

128

Today, a strong storm knocked the power out at our office. I was dismissed five hours early, had my desk locked up and was walking toward the doors to leave when the power came back on. FML

By AstonBrown - 15/6/2016 17:53 - United States - Cleveland

12795

1000

Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

By Glutton - 28/1/2010 01:29 - United States

6223

49404

Today, someone thought it would be funny to steal the precious stuffed bear I've had since childhood and leave a ransom note in its place. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2014 22:21 - Canada - Surrey

44628

5524

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

By teejayrn - 17/12/2011 06:49 - United States

32676

4931

Today, I finally got the courage to make a move on the guy I've been crushing on. I asked him if he would like to go see a movie with me. He answered, "Sorry, I've already seen it." I didn't even mention any particular movie. FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 07:01 - United States

57699

4298

Today, I was talking dirty with my husband over the phone while he was out of town. I started to verbally act out his fantasy and got quite into it. I was returned with silence. Embarrassed, I tried to hang up. Turns out the call had already been dropped, five minutes prior. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 03:17 - United States

48779

7813

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

By Whyis Dremora - 30/9/2018 15:00 - United States - San Marcos

3707

269

Today, I noticed that my neighbor's house has a clear view of my daughter's bathroom. There is a telescope in his window. FML

By disasterbutton - 9/2/2010 00:28 - United States

41663

2989

Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML

By Anonymous - 15/2/2011 19:28 - United States

51036

14206

Today, our airplane was delayed because of issues with the de-ice-ing. Then, because it had too little fuel. Then, because of engine troubles. Then, because our first officer needed to be replaced due to legal restrictions on pilots' hours. Now, I get to go straight from the plane to work. FML

By JSterl - 2/1/2010 05:33 - United States

28735

2328

Today, I went to a bone and joint specialist because of excruciating back pain. Before the examination, the doctor told me that the possible reasons for the pain could be arthritis, sciatica, or scoliosis. After the examination, I found out that I have all three. FML

By Bobby - 29/5/2017 22:00

4696

232

Today, I played a table tennis final in public. After winning, I went to shake my opponent's hand. He doesn't react or move. It was only the first set. FML

By Bito - 21/12/2008 07:00 - France

19088

12196

Today, I found out that the only reason my ex husband calls my son anymore, is to ask him to send him things on Facebook. FML

By mommy - 14/3/2010 20:14 - United States

27406

2508

Today, while out with my girlfriends, my overbearing boyfriend called and texted my phone over and over. Later, I told him to calm down and stop acting like my dad. He snapped back, "How am I acting like your dad when you don’t have one?" He knows my dad died when I was 10. FML

By so sad no dad - 15/8/2019 06:00

2482

251

Today, I discovered that when my husband agreed to donate sperm so an infertile friend and his wife could have children, there was nothing "artificial" about the insemination. FML

By OnPlanetVenus - 4/7/2013 04:41 - United States - Hallam

71248

6125

Today, I woke up to a brand new password on my phone that only my wife knows. Apparently, she thinks I've been looking at my phone more than I've been talking to her lately. FML

By LockedOut - 2/11/2013 06:27 - United States

27926

47196

Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML

By escortedout - 23/10/2010 23:14 - United States

6110

47024

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 17:20 - United States

36771

2720

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

By RaYan - 13/10/2008 08:22

33399

75059

Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML

By sharkgirl4 - 25/8/2014 16:17 - United States - Rialto

43952

4362

Today, I checked my fake Facebook account for the first time in ages and realized that the fake me got more birthday greetings than the real me. FML

By TheL1nds - 26/5/2012 09:17 - Australia - Kingswood

11431

27916

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

By figures - 29/11/2009 01:53 - United States

19355

40446

Today, I had to use anti-perspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2019 04:00

1525

278

Today, I found out I'm balding faster than my dad. I'm 19. FML

By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 08:09 - United States

57641

3170

Today, I went into my boss's office to confront her about not consulting me before switching my shifts with someone else. I left in tears. FML

By Casuallydying - 28/4/2017 04:00

3890

559

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend doggy-style and noticed a piece of toilet paper had been "left behind". I had such a bad internal conflict about whether to tell her or to remove it myself, I went limp. She started crying and accused me of not being attracted to her anymore. FML

By GoneLimp - 7/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Havelock

8055

1392

Today, I went to Disneyworld. I fell and hit my head while jumping up and down to see Ariel. I'm a 35 year old man. FML

By disney - 26/11/2009 16:30 - United States

12821

43346

Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML

By June - 19/5/2009 21:51 - Canada

12580

74619

Today, I went out to inspect the backyard. There are now more than two dozen spiders hanging out and webs crossing from one side of the yard to the other. I have decided to surrender this territory. FML

By Skoff - 23/7/2015 09:44 - Australia - Rydalmere

26008

2910

Today, as I exited McDonald's after a quick lunch, a man in a jogging outfit ran past, snatching my handbag right off my shoulder as he tore past. He must have been at least 50. I broke down utterly exhausted before I could chase him even a single block. I'm 24. FML

By jen - 14/3/2013 10:52 - United States

21080

39484

Today, my coworker told me that the framed picture our boss put on her desk last week was not, as I originally thought, a picture of her father, but a picture of Rupert Murdoch. FML

By newscorp employee - 12/1/2009 16:03 - United States

16286

3406

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

By justmyluck25 - 23/7/2010 12:59 - United States

31720

11859

Today, I was supposed to go on a date. I have been playing solitaire the whole night waiting for him. Out of 15 games, I've won one. FML

By yourmomsabitch - 25/6/2011 04:30 - United States

34435

5065

Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2011 17:26 - United States

38660

5528

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

By EyeSeeYou - 2/5/2012 18:34 - United States - Houston

24851

6896

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors. They have a four month old child and appear to be firm believers in the "let them cry it out" philosophy. The baby's room is right above mine. A few days of trying to sleep through this shit and I'll look like a Walking Dead extra. FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2016 13:17 - United States - Waldorf

22236

1531

Today, I was put on academic suspension only to find out my professor entered my grade wrong. I lost my financial aid and have to explain to my parents why I’m not in college anymore. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2018 19:00

5414

260

Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML

By Anonymous - 26/4/2014 11:36 - United States - Alpharetta

46255

3936

Today, I got a notice in the mail saying I had been fired from my job. My dad's the boss, who I happen to live with. FML

By Austin - 12/2/2011 07:50 - United States

32802

3765