Horse Riding Fail

Today, I got stopped by people asking for donations for their charity services. Being who I am, I hate saying no to people, so I told them "I don't have any money, only my card." Did you know they also accept payment by card? FML

Family values

No one likes a smart-ass

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 01:22 - Australia - Elwood

29011

7324

Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML

By unboned - 11/5/2016 17:30 - United States - Katy

Fetishes come in all sizes

18342

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2750

Today, my parents told me off for reading, as opposed to watching TV like the rest of the family, because it was "anti-social". FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2014 15:37 - Australia

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2813

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

By Rolax - 6/11/2008 09:38 - France

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6012

Today, I wrote a long, loving and emotional Christmas letter to my girlfriend, leaving it for her to read when she woke up. Halfway through the day, I received a text stating that she saw my "breakup letter" and threw out all my stuff. I can't even contact her now. FML

By ALetterADay - 24/12/2017 01:30

4957

446

Today, my husband came home, drunk and with lipstick smeared on his face. When I confronted him about it, he just slurred, "Ah don't worry babe, it ain't mine." FML

By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 20:26 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

37072

2923

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

By Nicole - 13/12/2014 15:20 - United States

40114

7215

Today, I was unloading Cokes outside of the movie theater I work at. While bent over, I heard someone call out, "Damn girl, you got a fat ass," followed by, "Oh God, that's a man!" I am indeed a man. FML

By Why Me - 12/8/2015 13:50 - United States - Seattle

30261

2846

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

By Jen__ - 22/3/2014 07:18 - Canada - Kitimat

41107

4449

Today, I was at the Kings Avalanche game in Denver. Anže Kopitar scored a hat trick and people threw hats in. Someone ripped my own hat off my head and tossed it on the ice. It was a gift from my dead grandparents with my name stitched onto it. I’ve had it for 15 years. FML

By Clorpy - 30/3/2018 07:00

#priceless

5832

369

Today, they introduced us to this cheesy school email program. I was trying to be funny and made a draft and sent it to "All" and I typed, "Thanos did nothing wrong." The send button was right next to the discard email button. I sent,"Thanos did nothing wrong" to every kid and teacher at school. FML

By fml - 3/3/2019 22:00 - United States - Billerica

705

2935

Today, my keys disappeared out of my car door during the 50 foot walk to the trash can. When I finally went to security after trying to find them, they said someone drove off with my car right as I walked in the door. FML

By Marcus - 20/1/2019 18:00

2216

854

Today, I reached a new low and embarrased my entire family. While in the frozen section of Walmart, I dropped to my knees and let out a horrific, agonizing scream, when I found out they were out of Strawberry Toaster Strudels. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2010 19:17 - United States

9153

61180

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

By wow @ creepy fuckers - 17/11/2012 01:06 - United States

33918

6116

Today, my neighbours came to yell at me as they could hear my "shit music" through my window during the afternoon, so I turned it off. They then began to play their definition of "quality music" into the late hours of the night. I was listening to the Beatles. They blasted Nicki Minaj. FML

By BornInTheWrongEra - 31/3/2013 06:24 - United States

58071

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Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

By Katherine - 13/2/2012 21:23 - United States

29505

6457

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the 2 weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

By Anonymous - 9/4/2012 00:13 - United States - San Mateo

29182

6951

Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted by the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML

By NotEnoughBleach - 14/3/2016 03:58 - United States - Englewood

Roommates from hell

17647

1313

Today, my dad was helping my fiancé and me move. On the way, someone sideswiped the trailer. When the police came, we found my dad had a suspended license, no insurance, and a broken tail light. No one else could drive a manual, so we were stuck in a parking lot for 3 hours. Thanks, dad. FML

By thanksdad - 3/7/2012 01:20 - United States - Beaverton

21772

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Today, I was woken up to my mother screaming obscenities at me, all because I threw up last night after days of not feeling well, and the flushing of the toilet afterwards woke her up. FML

By loveurlifejk - 28/12/2011 06:32 - United States

31482

2086

Today, I found that my cats somehow managed to pull the plug of my fridge out of the socket. Several days ago. Now I have to get rid of a ton of stinking food and clean the stinking fridge. FML

By Alexander - 30/5/2010 16:53 - Russian Federation

27617

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Today, I'm on holiday, but my alarm clock isn't. It rang at 6 o'clock. FML

By Fsd - 5/11/2008 07:35 - France

14286

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Today, the neighbors heard a blood curdling scream and called the cops, thinking I was being murdered. Nope. I just stubbed my toe. FML

By erianne - 7/5/2018 15:00

2772

540

Today, I volunteered to be my brother's designated driver. I told him throughout the night that I wasn't drinking, but he ended up leaving me at the bar and going to his friend's house in a cab for more drinks, taking my keys along with him. FML

By leftoutdrunk - 5/5/2012 18:12 - Canada - Edmonton

23586

4001

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

By ACAB - 16/9/2019 20:00 - Australia

Officer McGiggles

1383

186

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

By I_Am_The_Edge - 11/6/2009 16:06 - United States

68542

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Today, I invited my friends to meet up at the park. After asking twice, I finally got the text saying to meet them there. But when I got there, I realized they had already been there for a while. As I was walking up to them, I heard, "Why did you invite him?" FML

By cavallo31 - 28/6/2016 00:47 - United States

11825

857

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

By ouch - 25/3/2010 08:00 - United States

11839

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Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 00:01

He's still got it

1571

124

Today, my live-in-boyfriend lost his job. Jokingly, I told him that we weren't going to have sex until he found a new job. He then turned to me with the most excited look I have ever seen on his face and said "I am going to stay unemployed forever!" He was serious. FML

By Nikki - 27/7/2012 13:45 - United States - Newark

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Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML

By maddie! - 9/2/2011 17:48 - United States

34447

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Today, I finally found out where my great grandmother's antique handheld mirror disappeared to. According to the headmaster, my eleven year old son has been using it to look up his classmates' dresses at school. FML

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 12:25 - United States

29698

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Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

By bubbles - 12/10/2009 05:36 - United States

14947

55539

Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML

By Yoooooo0 - 29/11/2009 18:10 - United States

42894

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Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML

By Summer Loving Happened So Fast - 2/12/2014 17:59 - United States - Cookeville

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Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

By disappointed - 1/7/2016 03:31 - United States - Rockville

11920

1442

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

By wormsmeat - 17/9/2015 21:08 - Canada - Kingston

27880

1742

Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML

By during - 19/5/2010 12:12 - United States

56200

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Today my car was broken into. The only thing taken were condoms and lighters I had in the glove box. FML

By ummWhat? - 23/12/2018 02:00

2070

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Today, while in the break room at work, I laughed at a co-worker's joke and started choking on my drink. My boss exclaimed in front of everyone, "We need to teach this girl how to swallow!" to everyone's childish amusement. Now they won't stop calling me Spit. FML

By mel - 11/5/2012 21:23 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

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