Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to... - FML

By thanksmom - 2/2/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

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Instadrama

Age ain't nothing but a number

Whatthefuckaburger

By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 00:20 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, a thirty-something guy swaggered into my workplace. He was wearing shutter shades and torn jeans, and claimed to be our new boss. I called security to throw him out, at which point he produced his ID and let me know I'd be attending an employee review session next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 01:19 - United States - Evansville

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2010 01:59 - United States

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

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By Singlelady - 21/9/2016 19:16 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

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By that one anon - 7/5/2015 06:27 - United States - San Diego

Today, I called one of my old coworkers to see how she was doing. My boyfriend answered the phone. FML

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By krisx3ftw - 11/1/2010 13:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML

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By ozozl - 7/11/2014 04:29 - United States - Evergreen

Today, I was in the middle of a shower, and downstairs I heard my 7 year old daughter screaming "Mom!! Help! I need you right now!" I panicked and ran downstairs, not giving myself enough time to put some clothing on. It was my neighbor at the door. FML

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By robinhoood - 12/7/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML

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By katelynm - 8/2/2013 06:24 - United States

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

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By carpetoops - 21/6/2009 16:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I spilt purple washing detergent all over my white carpet. Desperate to get it up I grabbed a blue towel and started mopping it up. The detergent hasn't stained the carpet at all, the blue dye from the towel has. FML

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By rattledwife666 - 21/1/2017 14:00

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

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By ohcrap - 2/6/2011 10:05 - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

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By toast - 25/3/2009 16:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I repaired a boiler for a wealthy guy in a big house. While there, I fixed a leaking tap for free. When I went to go, the man slipped something into my shirt pocket and said "have a drink on me." When I got to my truck, I discovered that he'd given me a tea bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 14:20 - United Kingdom - Bishops Stortford

Today, my social anxiety hit a new low. I was playing bingo and, although I won, I didn't shout "bingo" because I thought too many people would look at me. FML

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By noname - 22/9/2010 05:37 - Canada

Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriends shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML

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By backtosquareone - 4/10/2009 09:42 - Canada

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

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By Valedict-oops - 9/6/2017 00:00

Today, I walked at my graduation ceremony, proudly wearing my valedictorian cords. It turns out that, after some confusion on behalf of the student services office, I was neither valedictorian nor salutatorian (by 0.2 points). I'm dating the actual valedictorian. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2010 07:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to be hospitalized to drain poison from a bad spider bite. His mom is convinced that he got it from my house and won't let him come over anymore. I suppose she's right, because guess who found a spider web under their bed today, along with 5 new spider bites? FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had tried to fake his own death because he thought it would be easier than confessing to the affair he was having. FML

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By MusicLover18 - 3/9/2014 23:35 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I caught my little sister taking a selfie in the mirror with a fake nose piercing, peace sign, and a duck face. She's 12. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2017 16:00

Today, my 3-year-old son put into practice the lesson I taught him yesterday, about how to use a larger piece of Play-Doh to pick up smaller bits. Unfortunately, he used this method to pick up a small bit of poo from his pants with a larger bit of poo direct from the toilet. I was an hour late for work. FML

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By married - 16/10/2010 12:31 - United States

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2013 17:44 - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, I sat through an incredibly long and tedious class lecture. Just as my professor was nearing the end of his lecture, the resident stoner loudly yawned and asked what we'd been talking about for the past hour. We got to hear most of the lecture all over again. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 00:22 - United States

Today, I was at my doctor's office. I thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out I'm pregnant and I have a kidney stone. FML

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By jayswizzle89 - 29/7/2014 07:58 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

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By ww2freak - 14/6/2012 01:17 - United States - Centreville

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 15:25

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

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By thatisnotcool45 - 9/12/2011 05:22 - Canada

Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML

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By weirdlaugh - 10/5/2015 22:08 - United States

Today, I planned a lunch out with my mom for Mother's Day. She seemed excited about it and "couldn't wait!" She never showed up. FML

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By Chris21 - 11/9/2019 22:04 - United Kingdom - Bolton

Fast Cars

Today, a drunk driver totalled my new Audi. Who was the drunk driver? My dad. FML

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By anonymous - 14/3/2010 05:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Since he doesn't know my ring size he asked for me to find a ring that I liked and he would buy it and propose. The only problem is that he won't spend more than 200 dollars on it. Oh the generosity. FML

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By Carnage23 - 5/6/2016 12:38 - Germany - Herborn

Today, I was on a long roadtrip with my son. My son said he has to pee to which I answered he had to wait till I can stop the car. He started counting backwards from 10. I couldn't stop in time. FML

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By snappyPi - 28/1/2011 06:21

Today, I wrote a poem and was very proud of it. I showed it to my mom. After reading it, her response was, "What is this shit?" FML

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By justno - 29/6/2014 00:26 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister ran into my room unannounced while I was on webcam with a potential employer. Before I could react, she looked at my screen, said "Damn, he's fucking hot." and flashed him. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2011 04:50 - Australia

Today, I was passed over for the job of my dreams. I now have to watch as a girl I have on Facebook - a total moron - boasts daily about scoring the position instead. Turns out the interviewer was her uncle. FML

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By Foreveralone17362562 - 16/4/2014 02:18 - Canada - Cold Lake

Today, I was telling my dad about how annoying it was to constantly have my ten-year-old cousin message me about her new boyfriend, when he suddenly bursts out laughing about how she can get a boyfriend at ten, and I have never even kissed a guy and I'm seventeen. FML

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By - 31/1/2020 18:00

Selfish

Today, I found out that the reason I hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his son. He even had the nerve to continously tell me, "it'll happen soon, baby" and let me believe we were trying. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

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By lonethong15 - 8/8/2014 22:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes to do things the old-fashioned way, and that he wouldn't propose to me without my father's blessing. My dad died 3 years ago, and he knows it. FML

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By kise - 28/11/2012 06:20 - France - Paris

Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML

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Top comments

By schwancy | 2

#2035884 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:06

Her house, her rules.

By RinnieRiot | 9

#2035903 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:11

At least she had her underwear on. Unless its "underwear optional zone" too.

Comments

By schwancy | 2

#2035884 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:06

Her house, her rules.

Reply

summersizzle | 0

#2036097 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 10:19

well this is the perfect opportunity to speed things up without getting in trouble for it.

Reply

auzzrage | 1

#2036107 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 10:24

shoulda taken up the opportunity and took off yours to

Reply

pimplayer | 0

#2037345 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 17:35

when can I come over your place? fuck it let's have a party !

Reply

BloodyHeel | 8

#2039454 - Thursday 3 February 2011 2:19

Pants off Friday.

By runninbrotha | 0

#2035894 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:09

haha.... you r in her house though...

By coballan55 | 0

#2035899 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:10

listen there's nothing wrong with that... ydi for not joining in the fun

By RinnieRiot | 9

#2035903 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:11

At least she had her underwear on. Unless its "underwear optional zone" too.

Reply

BWill9014 | 4

#2036058 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:55

You have nice eyes... and I mean that in a none random black guy stalker kinda way

Reply

davidjr_saldana | 0

#2036557 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:37

or she was commando

Reply

vaguenotvogue | 13

#6442403 - Friday 23 October 2015 13:20

I'm from the UK, and 'pants' here means underwear. This FML seemed worse from my perspective..

By newjerseyguy | 0

#2035906 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:12

lol she wants to see your mans dick

By mandasdrey | 0

#2035912 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:13

your mom rocks.! consider it as a favor!

By sourgirl101 | 28

#2035916 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:14

I bet he'll be at your house more often.

By THEMTCHELL | 0

#2035920 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:14

pants are always optional.

Reply

lovexbox | 8

#2036144 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 10:32

exactly ^^

Reply

enoughgrace | 4

#2036822 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 14:21

That's correct. Seem's like you were the odd girl out for having them on. Your name is "thanksmom" so I'm assuming it all worked out in your favor.

By nebula748 | 14

#2035930 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:19

inb4 threesome

By iR0ckSkinnys | 3

#2035938 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:20

Lol at least you have a fun loving mother and not one that is serious all the time!! 