Miscellaneous: Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to... - FML

By thanksmom - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Selfish tit

Recycling helps

By WTF - Australia

Today, I found a folder on my boyfriend's computer called "Facebook". It turned out to be a collection of thousands of photos from his female friends' accounts. It was all sorted into folders like "Big Tits", "Blonde", "Cameltoe", "Feet", and "Jailbait". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, at a family reunion, my visibly drunk grandparents heard about my new boyfriend, who is a cop. My gran asked if he ever made me feel like Rodney King in the bedroom. Then my grandpa, fresh off a DUI, asked if my boyfriend's dick is as bent as the police force. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. According to him, "I have to fake it, I'd leave if I could. I'm not in love, but the sex is good." FML

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By lanz4949 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, it's my first day at my new job. Unfortunately, I have a very bad cold. When my boss leaned in to show me something on the computer, I sneezed all over him. A hell of a first impression. FML

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By blarp - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom. The guy in the urinal next to me was making loud sounds of discomfort. I ignored him and finished up. I turned around to be greeted by his red swollen beehive of a crotch, and him asking, "Is my penis supposed to look like this?" FML

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By WhatTheBleep - United States

Today, I found out that my now-ex slept with his not-so-ex the day before our wedding. FML

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By foolishgirl - United States

Today, I emailed my boyfriend from work. Out of habit, I absent-mindedly entered my department into the "From" field. My boyfriend didn't notice when he replied. Now my entire department knows I want to "drop to my knees and suck him when I get home." And he plans to "finish on my face." FML

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By Anonymous - France - Sainte-savine

Go deep

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

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By mmckie

Today, I went into a restaurant with my family. I slipped off my chair, pulling the tablecloth with all the food and drinks on it with me onto the floor. FML

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By Donnie

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

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By hyper12332 - Australia

Today, I was playing one on one soccer with a girl like. I accidentally kicked the ball right into her face. The ball rolled back towards me and as I was running to see if she was ok, I kicked the ball... right into her face again. FML

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By say what?! - 10/4/2020 08:00

Missed opportunities

Today, I got a text from a female friend saying, "So bored, come over, let's fuck.” Knowing her sense of humor, I laughed it off and sarcastically replied, "On my way!” About an hour later, I got a message from her husband asking what was taking me so long. They really wanted a threesome. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother lectured me about going to the bar too often. She did this while rolling a joint. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

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By EgoMoose - United States

Today, my mom held an intervention for me. Yesterday, I told her I'd tried pot once. Seven years ago. FML

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By Fabio - Malta - Piet?

Today, my girlfriend started insulting me on Facebook. Angry and hurt, I let it all out and insulted her back with her obesity. Turns out it was her brother who used her account to play a "prank" on me. FML

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By CarrieRedburn - United States

Today, I was walking my dog, and a whole bunch of teenagers were driving around my neighborhood throwing water balloons at people. They followed me for 3 blocks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend tried to cover my eyes while I was driving on the main street, all because she caught me looking at an ad featuring bikini-clad girls on the bus ahead of our car. FML

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By SadAndDeaf

Today, my sister introduced me to her new, deaf boyfriend. She proudly proclaimed that she was trying to learn sign language for his sake, so he wouldn't have to read her lips. I'm also deaf and have been trying to get her to do the same for me for 20 goddamn years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

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By avanti - United States

Today, I was studying for a midterm, so I put my computer on the side of my desk to make more room for my books. My roommate came in while I wasn't paying attention and tackle-hugged me from behind - I fell over, knocking my computer out the window. I live on the 8th floor. FML

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By stinkystinky

Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid of the foul smell. Later, my roommate revealed his new place to "stash and dry" his socks: The ventilation ducts. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 20:02

My ex the dumbass

Today, my long distance boyfriend sent me a Snap of him fucking another girl. When he realized he'd sent it to me, he called me, trying to explain, "it's not what it looks like. It was meant for the boys." Two days ago, I made plans to visit him. Guess who's out money and single. FML

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By vicious circle - Sint Maarten (Dutch part)

Today, I called the HR department of a big company, inquiring about a vacancy for a website designer. Boy, do they need one; there are dead links, malware warnings, and a layout from the '90s, but no info at all about recruitment. The lady just angrily referred me to the website and hung up. FML

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By So so close to clean - United States - Warren

Today, with words of encouragement from my mom, I vacuumed my room. After finishing and admiring my job well done, I went to put the vacuum away. It caught on the plug for my electric razor which was dangling below the dresser and yanked that and everything else that was on top of it off. FML

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By college kid - United States

Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML

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By Chris - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

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By Magilla - United States

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I was called into the office by my supervisor, on whom I have a massive crush. He called me in to get my password to make some adjustments on my work account and asked me what my password was. I had to hold eye contact with him and tell him my password is his full name. FML

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By anon - United States - Rocklin

Today, I woke up to the sound of my neighbor pleasuring himself. FML

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By thwack - United States

Today, during a workplace safety exercise at work, I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

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By moronicmoroccan - Philippines

Today, my boss replied-to-all to a memo I sent, wherein he states that "Filipino" should be spelled with a double P. He spells his nationality with a double R. He's from Morocco. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evergreen

Today, I unwrapped my present and, to my surprise, I had gotten a repair manual for my truck. Apparently, my parents are "Tired of seeing that piece of shit in front of our house." FML

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By Ren - United States

Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML

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By saywhat - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house for dinner with his family. His mom cooked up a steak dinner, except that I'm a vegan, but trying to be a good girlfriend, I forced it down. Upon his mother finding out I was a vegan, she called me "disloyal to my beliefs." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said "right now?" FML

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By shartface12 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

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Top comments

By schwancy | 2

#2035884 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:06

Her house, her rules.

By RinnieRiot | 9

#2035903 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:11

At least she had her underwear on. Unless its "underwear optional zone" too.

COMMENTS

By schwancy | 2

#2035884 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:06

Her house, her rules.

Reply

summersizzle | 0

#2036097 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 10:19

well this is the perfect opportunity to speed things up without getting in trouble for it.

Reply

auzzrage | 1

#2036107 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 10:24

shoulda taken up the opportunity and took off yours to

Reply

pimplayer | 0

#2037345 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 17:35

when can I come over your place? fuck it let's have a party !

Reply

BloodyHeel | 8

#2039454 - Thursday 3 February 2011 2:19

Pants off Friday.

By runninbrotha | 0

#2035894 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:09

haha.... you r in her house though...

By coballan55 | 0

#2035899 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:10

listen there's nothing wrong with that... ydi for not joining in the fun

By RinnieRiot | 9

#2035903 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:11

At least she had her underwear on. Unless its "underwear optional zone" too.

Reply

BWill9014 | 4

#2036058 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:55

You have nice eyes... and I mean that in a none random black guy stalker kinda way

Reply

davidjr_saldana | 0

#2036557 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:37

or she was commando

Reply

vaguenotvogue | 13

#6442403 - Friday 23 October 2015 13:20

I'm from the UK, and 'pants' here means underwear. This FML seemed worse from my perspective..

By newjerseyguy | 0

#2035906 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:12

lol she wants to see your mans dick

By mandasdrey | 0

#2035912 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:13

your mom rocks.! consider it as a favor!

By sourgirl101 | 28

#2035916 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:14

I bet he'll be at your house more often.

By THEMTCHELL | 0

#2035920 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:14

pants are always optional.

Reply

lovexbox | 8

#2036144 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 10:32

exactly ^^

Reply

enoughgrace | 4

#2036822 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 14:21

That's correct. Seem's like you were the odd girl out for having them on. Your name is "thanksmom" so I'm assuming it all worked out in your favor.

By nebula748 | 14

#2035930 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:19

inb4 threesome

By iR0ckSkinnys | 3

#2035938 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 9:20

Lol at least you have a fun loving mother and not one that is serious all the time!! 