Animals: Today, I invited a guy I've been crushing on for ages to my house,... - FML

By HM - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I invited a guy I've been crushing on for ages to my house, and I really wanted to make a good impression. We were sitting in the living room having drinks when my cat came in, dragging a pair of my dirty underwear and dropped them right in front of us. FML

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Vulture

Home to roost

You ass!

By pat - United States

Uncertainty

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

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By hawaiianlovechild - United States

Today, my dad and I were watching Hawaii play the Navy in football. I cheered when Hawaii won. My dad turns to me and says, "You know your mother and I concieved you there?" Thanks Dad. FML

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By Erik - 13/3/2021 11:00 - Netherlands

WHERE IS IT?

Today, after days of torture, I finally found out where the annoying fire alarm with empty batteries was hidden. The previous house owners had it hidden behind the top board of a wall cabinet. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish

Today, I confessed my love to my crush over text. Later, she posted the message I'd sent her on Facebook and wrote "look at the pathetic man". The post had over 50 laugh reacts. FML

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By missseloit3

Et tu, Brute?

Today I caught my husband cheating on me in our bed with my 19-year-old brother. FML

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By nosexforthee - United States - Katy

Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Sucat

Today, I had a big argument with my girlfriend, after she tried to stop me going home, even though it was already past my curfew. I got home, only to find out I'm grounded for staying out late, and dumped for being "inconsiderate". FML

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By Anonymous

LOL AWKS

Today, I decided to finally tell my name to this really hot guy I had been anonymously chatting with for a couple of weeks. He said he would be fine with whoever I am, and want to go out with me. After sending my name, there was a long, awkward pause, and his last reply to me was, "Oh." FML

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By upupandaway - United States

Today, I spent two hours perfecting a really romantic text message to my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. I listed all the things I loved about him, and recalled some of our best times together. Two minutes after I sent it, he replied, "Huh?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 01:58 - United States

Evil eye doctor

Today, my step-son broke his glasses. Our doctor said he would no longer see us because my step-son is transgender, and a new law in our state allows him to do this. Apparently, it was foolish to be honest on medical forms. Finals are in a month but we have to find a new doctor before he can even study. FML

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By Satver7

An Inconvenient Thief

Today, after meeting a girl for the first time and having sex with her, I found not only my wallet missing but also the 128 GB pen drive that had my project I've been working on for 6 months on it. I have to give the presentation in 3 days. FML

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By Anne - United States

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

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By SadMom

Today, I was told by a family member that if we come over on Christmas and my small children get upset or throw a fit, we will be asked to leave. I can't guarantee that my 2-year-old and 3-year-old won't have any meltdowns, so I guess we won't be spending Christmas with the rest of the family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my car and a cute guy pulled up next to me. He looked at me and smiled, but in order to be cool, I pretended not to notice. I also pretended that I was listening to music and was completely absorbed in it, singing passionately. I wasn't even listening to music and my window was down. FML

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By I-love-my-tea - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I had to show my ID to prove I was over 18. I was buying teaspoons. FML

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By littleguy - United States

Today, an extremely attractive woman from FedEx came to deliver my new phone. I was wearing athletic shorts and had an erection. She looked down and laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to wear a new red lipstick. The guy I like turned around, looked at her and said, "Red is a really interesting, sexy color. Pretty bold. Not bad." and he smiled. I waited, smiling also, only for him frown and say, "Your teeth are REALLY yellow." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 00:30

Poor old Truffles

Today, my mom grabbed my iPhone and threw it from the balcony, because I didn’t cry on the fifth anniversary of our family dog’s death. FML

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By parentalissues - United States

Today, whilst on a phone interview with a college I really want to go to, my mother picks up the other line and shouts into the phone "She's not going to college, she's lazy and she'll only disappoint you." The interviewer hung up before I could say anything. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Neighbours from hell

Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 20:01

Murdered

Today, I woke up and checked my fish tank. I thought the temperature was too low, so half asleep, I turned it up. Now all my fish are dead. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my mom and I staged an intervention for my alcoholic dad. Within minutes he'd turned everything around on us, claiming we're in no position to judge him for drinking since we use "too much water" when we shower. Apparently that's on the same level as being an abusive alcoholic. FML

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By Badatlife - Australia - Kellyville

Today, a guy at work pulled me aside to tell me that I probably shouldn't be working a job where I have to interact with customers, because of my autism. I don't have autism. FML

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By oops secretary

Today, after I had an excellent one night stand with a guy yesterday, I saw him at work. He was a client my boss was trying to talk into a deal. The guy recognised me and accused my boss of sending me to seduce him into signing the contract. The deal fell apart and my boss is livid with me. FML

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By splooge - United States

Today, I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too." FML

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By larouche362 - United States - Weare

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I wouldn't make my senior quote, "I love my girlfriend more than anything." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML

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By Audrey Anna Grace Somers

Today, I was trying on a dress at my grandmother's house. When I posed for her, she told me she would expand the waist, because I won't be sucking in the whole time I would be wearing it. The joke's on you Grandma, I've been sucking my stomach in since I was twelve years old. FML

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By mrtut - United Kingdom

Today, as a physics teacher, I was testing a class to see how high a sound frequency they could hear. One girl claimed she could hear the sound even though it was physically impossible. Without thinking, I replied "Only dogs can hear this frequency." Needless to say, she was picked on all day. FML

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By pinky - Australia

Today, when setting up for a rehearsal, my eldest teacher was standing next to me. My music teacher announces that it will be a tight fit and hard for everyone to fit in the area. The old teacher next to me leans over and whispers, "I'd like to fit in your tight area." FML

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By Sarah1330 - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I heard what sounded like someone breaking into my house. I ran downstairs, only to find my cat had ripped down my blinds and was tangled up in them, thrashing around the floor like a fish. FML

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By FidoForever

Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

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By joi9496

Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

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By wheatsnake - Australia

Today, I took my new laptop into my house from my car, thinking it would be a too much of a target for kids grabbing it. I came home tonight to find my door kicked in, my laptop gone and my TV ripped from the wall. FML

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By Anonymous

The Breakfast Club 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my husband's high school friends got together tonight. Nothing more pathetic than listening to a bunch of losers reliving their glory days as high school seniors. I honestly thought I would have picked someone better than this. My husband fucking peaked at 17. FML

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Top comments

By Queen_bee1234 | 21

#6264503 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:46

Definitely not the pussy he wanted to see.

By Clevelandians | 17

#6264501 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:46

Maybe it turned him on... I'm not are we went far enough into the story for this to be an FML.

Unless you had poop stains.

FYL if you had poop stains.

COMMENTS

By Clevelandians | 17

#6264501 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:46

Maybe it turned him on... I'm not are we went far enough into the story for this to be an FML.

Unless you had poop stains.

FYL if you had poop stains.

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6264584 - Thursday 16 April 2015 19:54

If you had poop stains, fuck the cat's life.

Reply

Awesomeify | 15

#6264587 - Thursday 16 April 2015 20:03

I don't understand why #1 is down voted.

Reply

Duladian | 19

#6264598 - Thursday 16 April 2015 20:23

"I'm not are we went far" is not coherent. I understand he probably meant to say, " I'm not sure we went" which would make more sense.

That is most likely the reason he is getting down voted.

Reply

Clevelandians | 17

#6264711 - Friday 17 April 2015 0:39

My phone autocorrected. I meant to say "I'm not sure..." Just like you pointed out. And not F the cats life if there were poop stains. That's definitely a YDI for the cat in that situation.

?

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6264795 - Friday 17 April 2015 2:08

*cat drags out poopy panties*
"Please make her clean them up! She leaves them everywhere. My nose feels like a wind tunnel of fire! Save meeeeeee...ow!"
OP and date hear: Meowmeowmeow.

Definitely fuck the cat's life.

Reply

toaster87 | 19

#6264806 - Friday 17 April 2015 2:45

That's a complete ydi if you have poop stains on your under, learn proper hygiene!

Reply

moonchic | 16

#6264869 - Friday 17 April 2015 4:31

#37 thank you, I was pretty confused on what he was saying.

By Queen_bee1234 | 21

#6264503 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:46

Definitely not the pussy he wanted to see.

Reply

jake_braves | 25

#6264601 - Thursday 16 April 2015 20:27

Perhaps the cat was implying that the guy wanted to see pussy..it did bring in undies lol. Pussy monster.

By abhi95 | 31

#6264504 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:47

Umm! That could speed things up a bit!

By EverettA | 16

#6264506 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:48

That's a shitty situation. Ha ha... No? ok....

Reply

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6264523 - Thursday 16 April 2015 19:00

Way overused joke.

Reply

nickaa827 | 13

#6264607 - Thursday 16 April 2015 20:36

just don't

Reply

StarDust5921 | 16

#6265530 - Friday 17 April 2015 23:28

how original..

Reply

IamHM | 14

#6268506 - Tuesday 21 April 2015 1:16

I'm the OP, and I thought this was funny.

By Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6264507 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:48

Cats can be evil sometimes.

Reply

CrAzYELF4 | 26

#6264521 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:59

Sometimes?

Reply

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6264573 - Thursday 16 April 2015 19:44

You know how cats always get in boxes? How they always get in front of you and almost trip you? I swear they are planning to use boxes and tripping you to dominate the world. :o but I still love my Miss Kitty lol

Reply

DarksideDoll | 31

#6264594 - Thursday 16 April 2015 20:18

Cats are evil 110% of the time. Even if they're doing something cute, there's always an ulterior motive..

By LaColombianita | 26

#6264508 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:49

That's not so bad lol I think it's cute & funny. And he probably didn't even know they were dirty just by looking at it.

Reply

Dillyduzit | 23

#6264554 - Thursday 16 April 2015 19:30

My thoughts exactly! Unless OP is super unhygienic, dirty undies don't really look dirty. The person who wore them just knows they are.

Reply

Duladian | 19

#6264600 - Thursday 16 April 2015 20:27

If you put used underwear in your mouth. I'm sure you'd taste and/or smell the difference from a clear pair.

Reply

Dillyduzit | 23

#6264611 - Thursday 16 April 2015 20:39

Yes but who is putting dirty underwear in their mouth? Just the cat, according to the information provided.

By Morning_fml | 22

#6264510 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:50

Best wingman ever. Or not..? Hopefully both of you were able to have a good laugh and ended up hitting it off really well from that.

By jmoul18 | 12

#6264513 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:54

If nothing else, it's something to laugh at.

By purpleturtle16 | 20

#6264516 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:55

Maybe it helped speed things up a bit??

By xxlinneamxx | 17

#6264518 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:57

Hey you can have a laugh about it. Might be a good ice breaker