Miscellaneous: Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 92

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 282

You deserved it 52

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 377

You deserved it 27

11/12/2013 13:14

Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 515

You deserved it 7 539

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Dysfunctional

Not the best reaction

21/05/2011 20:02

Spicy

Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded. It came from his car bumping up and down while we drove down a pot-holed road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 939

You deserved it 6 092

30/12/2008 20:30

Today, when I saw a big box that looked like a playstation, I got really excited and my parents were there and everything looked like it really was something big, so I start to open the wrapper and surprise... it was a lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 875

You deserved it 6 938

04/04/2012 03:27

Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 190

You deserved it 2 343

19/11/2017 19:00

Today my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 468

You deserved it 507

24/02/2017 03:00

Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 060

You deserved it 2 241

17/01/2009 17:41

Today, I spent 6 hours on an airplane next to an alcoholic Pink Floyd fanatic. I must've drifted off because when I took a trip to the bathroom I noticed that my pant leg that had been closest to the drunk man was soaking wet. I returned to my seat. He was on his side, facing me. I smelt the wet spot. Not beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 205

You deserved it 1 981

Nice parents you've got there

By mere - 06/04/2021 21:30

Spicy

Today, I was called a whore by my own parents, simply because I’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. Everyone I’ve ever dated has dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 047

You deserved it 146

04/05/2015 14:49

Today, I got yelled at for 'letting' my muddy dog jump on my cousin's wedding dress as she was getting ready. I don't own a dog and haven't since I was a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 682

You deserved it 2 381

24/07/2009 05:11

Today, my boyfriend said he couldn't come to my grandfather's funeral because he was at his cottage and couldn't make it. Later that day, when driving home from the graveyard I saw him walking down the street, with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 627

You deserved it 3 329

20/10/2011 04:05

Today, I needed to buy a new crash-helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 035

You deserved it 8 964

01/11/2011 16:18

Today, my friend took me and a bunch of other guys out to a nice dinner. This was his way to say thank you for helping him move to a new apartment. He got the cheque, excused himself to go to the restroom and never came back to pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 166

You deserved it 2 865

Boundaries

By Anonymous - 19/07/2021 19:59

Today, I found out that both my boyfriend and his brother feel completely comfortable going into the bathroom and talking to their mother while she is on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 123

Warm up guy

By Anonymous - 17/06/2020 08:08

Today, it seems that my four previous girlfriends all left me because they found better, more attractive, more wealthy, more interesting men. My entire love life feels like I’m the warm up act for the main event of other dudes getting laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 443

You deserved it 218

Uh... Okay?

By Champion sucker - 11/08/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I was going out with my boyfriend after recently coming out. On my way out the door, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Suck that dick like a champ tonight, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 847

You deserved it 1 761

15/09/2015 21:48

Today, I finally kicked my awful nail-biting habit. All it took was a fractured jaw. I haven't been able to chew anything for two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 602

You deserved it 2 623

Duchamp would be proud

By Anonymous - 23/09/2019 12:00

Today, my five year-old niece thought that it would be acceptable to carve her artwork all over our toilet seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319

You deserved it 147

05/06/2016 12:38

Today, I was on a long roadtrip with my son. My son said he has to pee to which I answered he had to wait till I can stop the car. He started counting backwards from 10. I couldn't stop in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 940

You deserved it 2 210

24/09/2009 04:52

Today, I was planning on breaking up with my girlfriend of five years in two days time. She just mailed me a care package that said, "I'd die without you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 720

You deserved it 13 610

Headshot

By Anonymous - 26/07/2021 14:01

Today, I was putting on my sweatpants and accidentally stepped on the elastic drawstring. I moved my foot. The string snapped upward with great speed and hit me in my open eye. My eyeball is not happy with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 89

28/11/2009 10:16

Today, after burning all my past-papers, books and notes in celebration of finishing maths forever, I found out I have to re-take my maths exam to get the minimum grade for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 221

You deserved it 50 432

12/11/2010 14:46

Today, I contacted a girl who dropped her ID at a club last night. I offer to drive 2 hours to return her ID to her. She is thrilled. When I arrive, she gives me a strange look, takes the ID, and runs back into her house. A two hour drive without even a thank you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 231

You deserved it 13 667

16/04/2013 18:13

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she heard me say "love you" on the phone. I was talking to my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 453

You deserved it 5 180

19/05/2011 02:48

Today, it was my first day as an animal control officer. My first dispatch was to collect a dog that had been hit by a car. I had to clean up my dead dog on my first day of a job that barely pays rent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 399

You deserved it 4 209

31/01/2012 02:34

Today, my mother yelled at me for standing too close to the microwave. Her reason? The radiation was going to seep through, kill my sperm and cause cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 953

You deserved it 5 051

05/09/2012 08:14

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 007

You deserved it 5 329

30/08/2018 06:00

Today, I found out my mom is banging my ex-boyfriend's best friend. He’s 22 and my mom is 50. Oh, and not only does my ex know, but so does the whole town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 423

You deserved it 313

23/06/2012 13:11

Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 703

You deserved it 7 766

16/09/2013 01:21

Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 091

You deserved it 12 820

Shout the victory

By dogpatch087 - 02/01/2020 03:00

Today, while climbing a mountain, I got to the top and then put both of my arms up in a victory kind of way only to trip on a rock and fall into a cactus plant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 704

You deserved it 473

10/11/2011 03:52

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 723

You deserved it 4 040

03/04/2009 18:40

Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 726

You deserved it 7 766

03/11/2011 03:58

Today, I went to the bank to make a deposit. While I was waiting on my transaction, the bank tellers were making fun of me. I could tell cause I heard them through the speaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 070

You deserved it 2 619

26/03/2009 17:40

Today, I was leading a wheelchair fundraiser to raise money to make public areas wheelchair accessible. I had several guest speakers, all of which were confined to wheelchairs. About ten minutes after the fundraiser was supposed to begin, I realized that the stage was wheelchair incompatible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 100

You deserved it 77 471

25/05/2019 16:15

Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 517

You deserved it 168

14/08/2019 04:00

Today, a soccer ball hit my car while I was going 75 mph on the freeway during my drive home. I still don't know how to explain it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 433

You deserved it 108

16/11/2018 15:30

Today, I told my son if he wanted the new internet password he had to clean his room. I then caught him disconnecting my laptop from the internet. Turns out he changed the password months ago and now if I want the new password he wants £50. I ended up paying. I'm actually proud of the sneaky sod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 568

You deserved it 3 343

03/11/2009 15:59

Today, my landlord came over while I wasn't home. My friend and her pets were thrown out by her husband. I'm the only person she knows in this state and she begged me to stay. I reluctantly told her fine; just don't answer the door. She did, with the animals, and told him she was living here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 175

You deserved it 6 362

19/03/2012 07:36

Spicy

Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 610

You deserved it 12 755

03/07/2011 23:04

Today, my drunk brother thought I could withstand a metal chair being slammed across my back like on the wrestling shows. I guess he didn't know that the shows are fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 195

You deserved it 3 043

Weirdo

By ReineXre - 15/06/2016 00:00

Today, I went to the bathroom in a mall. As I was in the stall, a woman tried to open it. I yelled out that's it was occupied but she kept shaking it to open it. It came up to the point where she had to crawl under the door to see that I was there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 396

You deserved it 708

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:05

I'm guessing you blew him away.

Bradley_Dillon 39

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:04

I'm jealous. :o I've never accomplished something like that.

Comments

Bradley_Dillon 39

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:04

I'm jealous. :o I've never accomplished something like that.

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 21:54

Yea. One word sums it up: Nice

kenyalovesarah 11

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 21:57

Hahaha too funny! it might have been awkward then op, but you'll laugh about it later on. and I'm sorry for laughing at your at expense but this made me giggle.

False_Stupidity 41

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Thursday 12 December 2013 0:50

Achievement unlocked! - Flatulence Alarm.

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Thursday 12 December 2013 1:29

When you achieve something as spectacular as this, it is a sin not to put it on your résumé.

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Thursday 12 December 2013 17:33

Yeah, weirdly, pretty dang impressive...

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Thursday 12 December 2013 21:21

It's ASStounding, actually.

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Saturday 14 December 2013 22:13

what a super hero

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:05

I'm guessing you blew him away.

swaggalikethat 22

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Thursday 12 December 2013 1:34

I'm sure he woke up GASping for air too.

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Thursday 12 December 2013 8:30

"Attention passengers, please fasten your seatbelts and remain seated. We seem to be experiencing some flatulence." No? Sorry

seriouslypony 9

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:05

Sounds like a load of hot air.

XxKingQuacksxX 9

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 20:58

That is bad and you should feel bad.

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:05

All you needed was a match and OP you could have been a walking, talking bomb threat! That's two reasons I don't want to sit next to you!!

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:05

F the person next to you's life for being seated next to fartsy.

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:05

what a smelly situation amirite

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:12

*puts gun in mouth*

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:16

Your mouth or #6's mouth?

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:31

Real original pal.

swaggalikethat 22

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Thursday 12 December 2013 1:29

@16, both

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:06

Did the oxygen masks deploy?

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:14

The person beside them shot straight into the brace position, and took took the sick bag while they were at it.

perdix 29

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:06

Please return your anus to the upright and locked position.

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 20:42

This is eddies friend Jasmine. That's an awkward comment. Haha!

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 21:50

Jasmine, please return to your reality. We here at FML enjoy our own simplistic, sometimes humdrum existence. Thank you for your visit to FML Airlines, return again never. Have the day you have.

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:06

And you couldn't even open a window

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 20:47

No. It was too cold outside.

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Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:08

Thats actually pretty impressive. Gross but impressive.