By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Threat Neutralized

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3220

You deserved it

691

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Animals

Health

Out of it

The bird

No justice

By BirthdayFail - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my birthday. Today is also the day my grandma died, six years ago. Since then, I get to sit through any sort of attempted celebration while my mom sobs and drinks herself into a stupor in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29365

You deserved it

1739

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By Is McDonald's Hiring?

Today, I was sternly told that if I didn't pass more students, I would be out of a job. I then went to my class to collect papers, and was stymied by how I could be giving passing grades to the 12 of 24 who didn't turn anything in. College students. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2385

You deserved it

158

Favorite

By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32070

You deserved it

2784

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26533

You deserved it

2823

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work while on the toilet, somebody came into the stall next to me and gave a loud play by play of every fart, plop, and grunt. He then asked loudly who I was and when I didn't answer put his head under the stall to look at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43944

You deserved it

3531

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By doblex - United States

Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41279

You deserved it

9028

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By rawr_ily96 - 24/5/2020 08:00 - United States

Barf

Today, I was struck at home with a stomach virus. My dad, being an occasional insensitive smart-ass, decided to cook some bacon, sit right in front of the couch I was lying on, and eat the bacon. Last time I tried to eat bacon with a stomach virus... Not pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1199

You deserved it

182

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35641

You deserved it

4219

Favorite

By Jae_Hellyun - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a link to a Vine video in which she dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54924

You deserved it

4333

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By newhostess - United States

Today, I was training for my new job at a restaurant. As part of training, they give you free food so you know what to reccommend, and the dish I got was really good. Eight hours later I saw it again while I was puking; I got food poisoning from my own place of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53826

You deserved it

3400

Favorite

By Latina - United States - Phoenix

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me he wanted to learn Korean before Spanish. Apparently, being able to sing along to Gangnam Style is more important to him than being able to speak with my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40549

You deserved it

7553

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I went to the beach with my boyfriend and family. My sister coyly pointed out the scratch marks down his back, hoping to embarrass me in front of my parents. The marks weren't from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34002

You deserved it

2348

Favorite

By tmi. - Australia

Today, a customer smiled, looked me in the eye and described to me in graphic detail the swelling that occurred to his nuts after his vasectomy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22973

You deserved it

1892

Favorite

By kappu

Today, I got home to find my house trashed, my TV, PlayStation, and laptop smashed, all my clothes burning in the backyard, and all my food gone. Turns out my girlfriend did this after going through my phone and finding a contact named "Kristi". Kristi is my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5664

You deserved it

446

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, my friend sent me an instant message, telling me how excited she was that she was accepted to a FIT Summer Program. I told her I was so proud, and that she can finally lose that excess weight. She told me that she meant Fashion Institute of Technology. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17646

You deserved it

70760

Favorite

By damn dog - United States

Today, during a firework show, my dog gave me her opinion about them by practically eating half my bedroom door then defecating on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40573

You deserved it

7808

Favorite

Strange flight

Today, I was on my way home on an airplane. The guy I had to sit next to was reading a book with naked girls in it. About 15 minutes into the flight, he had an erection and started to giggle. It was a 2 hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3159

You deserved it

261

Favorite

By CierraJordan - United States

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31067

You deserved it

2704

Favorite

By unwilling redneck - United States

Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42385

You deserved it

4572

Favorite

By IStillHaveMy8hrShiftToGo - United States - Beaverton

Today, I came in to work early at a restaurant to help out. I stocked, baked pies for the next day, cleaned and set over 50 tables, and vacuumed the entire two stories. When I went to send an order for the first customer of mine, I realized I hadn't even clocked on. Four ½ hours of work wasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42293

You deserved it

10693

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Uxbridge

Today, I'm insanely hungover from a long night of drinking. I'm going to my nephew's baptism in an hour as his godmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8174

You deserved it

55151

Favorite

By up to no-good... - United States - Albuquerque

Who? Where? Why? What?

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47347

You deserved it

3204

Favorite

By bpruitt95 - United States - Pitkin

Today, I was at a party. Everyone was drunk, and I happened to overhear someone say, "Where's that guy in the black jacket? I'm going to beat his ass!" I wouldn't have thought anything of it, had I not been the only one wearing a black jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29395

You deserved it

3415

Favorite

By Chad - 6/11/2020 07:54 - United States - San Diego

Fire hydrant

Today, I was sleeping after having worked 76 hours over the last week on night shift, only to be woken up by a fire alarm in the hotel I'm staying in. I rushed to put on some clothes and head out, but couldn't hide my morning wood, which would not go away. People took pictures as we were waiting to be let back inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1039

You deserved it

Favorite

By Your ass... Grab it... - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere, a car slowed down in the street, and a passenger screamed "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, MOTHERFUCKER," before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50839

You deserved it

4336

Favorite

By Idek - Australia - Perth

Today, I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and I noticed my boyfriend had commented on a post. It said, "Tag the hottest girl you know". Yeah, he tagged his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33942

You deserved it

3092

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Franklin

Today, I found out I owe the IRS over $2,000 because of a mistake they made. Their "apology" basically amounted to "Oops, our bad. Now pay up or you're gonna be Bubba's new bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13439

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1310

Favorite

By lovergirl - United States - Orem

Off to a good start!

Today, I received an email from a potential employer with an awesome job opportunity. I was so excited, I immediately went to forward the email to my husband. My email included a lot of "I love you" and "we are going to celebrate tonight ;)". In my excitement, I hit reply instead of forward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2914

You deserved it

1903

Favorite

By Anonymous - Italy - Milan

Today, while at the store with my mom, we ran into the girl I recently confessed to being interested in. My mom decided to shout, "IS THAT HER?! IS THAT THE GIRL YOU LIKE?!" Embarrassed, I desperately told her to be quiet. She grounded me for being "rude" to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39698

You deserved it

3743

Favorite

By betrayed - United States - Portland

Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the living room. I found my now ex-girlfriend and best friend in there, sweaty and in their underwear. The idiot actually had the balls to claim he was teaching her how to do push-ups. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61324

You deserved it

4567

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I know, asking if i could babysit her little brother at my house tonight. I said yes. When the boy came over he mentioned that his sister was having a party and didn't want him there. Turns out all my friends were invited except me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

87950

You deserved it

4612

Favorite

By HOLY SHIT, A WALKING SNOWGLOBE - United Kingdom - Dagenham

Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25375

You deserved it

7753

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, after months of dinners, coffees, drinks, and a few nights together, the girl of my dreams told me about this awesome guy she met yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48399

You deserved it

4876

Favorite

By Monty Python's Flying Circus

Today, it's been three weeks since my son found my old red dress and hat outfit in the attic, and like every day since then, he has been putting it on and bursting into rooms without warning and shouting, "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" He's almost 18 and going to college in September. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3988

You deserved it

927

Favorite

By Rachael - United States

Today, as a part of my job, I took a couple around to look at houses that are on sale. After driving them around and looking at tons of houses, the wife said, "Okay. I think we have enough decorating ideas." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34958

You deserved it

2895

Favorite

By Lisaa918 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69099

You deserved it

6159

Favorite

By jshi8 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump behind a dumpster. I suddenly heard a noise and a vibration against the dumpster. It was a garbage truck lifting it to collect the trash. The garbage men started laughing and took out their phones. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11829

You deserved it

79715

Favorite

By Dying Son

Today, as I was sitting on a bench thinking about an upcoming test, some hysterical woman slapped me out of nowhere because she thought I was staring at her ass. I was staring blankly into the void. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1962

You deserved it

167

Favorite

By hisgirl4life - United States

Today, I laughed so hard my milk went out my nose in front of the boy I liked. Then, since I was laughing so hard about that, I accidentally farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39097

You deserved it

8704

Favorite

By rainey - United States

Today, my car alarm went off so I went outside to investigate. Apparently, the abundant rain water in my street had swept a trash can five houses down, only to be stopped by my car. My bumper was dented by a run-away waste receptacle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25311

You deserved it

2560

Favorite

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Top comments

By beeferjay | 34

#7665391 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 2:38

They say cats protect from evil spirits... Maybe you let out some demons without knowing it

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7665367 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 1:50

What a cat-astrophe.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7665367 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 1:50

What a cat-astrophe.

thelittlem | 15

#7665475 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 9:26

cat-ass-trophe

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7665555 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 13:56

No, that crosses into extreme Dad joke territory, and I'm nowhere near close to being a dad, so I kept the pun simple.

By beeferjay | 34

#7665391 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 2:38

They say cats protect from evil spirits... Maybe you let out some demons without knowing it

John Nemeth | 14

#7665406 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 3:31

And thus the term
“Fart like an Egyptian was born!”

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7665395 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 3:02

Curiosity may have killed the cat but he'll be damned if your fart kills him!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7665405 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 3:26

It’s amazing that cats instinctively go for the blowhole!

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7665411 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 4:16

Sounds like the premise of a half-assed country song.

By Abbusser | 9

#7665416 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 4:48

Did your husband then claw and bite your bum? You startled him too...

By acmariner99 | 24

#7665419 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 4:52

Cat: 1, Bum: 0

By Madrias | 36

#7665425 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 5:36

The cat was just trying to save you from having another fart attack.

By TCRII | 29

#7665539 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 13:30

Your cat knows that you should never trust a fart.

By Tarlachia | 33

#7665649 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 17:17

Since cats typically nocturnal, maybe he was trying to shut off the alarm with his eyes still closed?

Cat: “Fuck, fuck! Where is it?! So damn loud! Shut up!”