By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Threat Neutralized

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3231

699

Late term

PTSD FML

I want to ride my bicycle

By Anonymous

Today, I found out that the electricity company can just show up unannounced and cut off my power, but cannot find the meter for a whole 10 days to switch it on again. It's currently dark and 7°C in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4936

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454

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66204

You deserved it

5147

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By juice723 - United States - Marblehead

Today, my friends started calling me "Soberman" because I recently gave up alcohol and have a Doberman. Normally, I wouldn't mind the nickname, but they call me Soberman everywhere. My new boss now thinks it's because I AM an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42321

You deserved it

3177

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By girlymae - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14415

You deserved it

23955

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By Sarah - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss mistakenly drunk texted me and was talking shit about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21723

You deserved it

1713

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for well over an hour while riding it up to my weight and fitness class. Very funny, universe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40961

You deserved it

9447

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By Thai rice mistake - United States - Oakland

Today, I was super hungry and went to a Thai restaurant. The waitress left two small bowls of fried rice on the counter, and I thought they were for me. I ate one and a lady came over screaming. Apparently the small cups of rice was part of a religious ceremony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30731

You deserved it

18940

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By mr_cheese - United States - Seattle

Today, I discovered that if you heckle a mime, it's possible that the mime will actually kick your ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17438

You deserved it

40046

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By hushnow - United States

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33779

You deserved it

3722

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By Stressed

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2042

You deserved it

127

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12129

You deserved it

41976

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By unendowed - United States - Katy

Time consumed

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30289

You deserved it

11634

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By haayloo - Canada

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13236

You deserved it

29111

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By oddgrrl99 - United States - Portage

Addicted

Today, my husband removed the TV from our bedroom to improve our sex life. Still no sex because he watches TV on his iPhone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54392

You deserved it

4713

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By A. nonymous

Today, my girlfriend made a delicious birthday breakfast, and she said there would be a surprise at the end. Today is not my birthday, it's her ex's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39888

You deserved it

3012

Favorite

By loon - France

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70697

You deserved it

9718

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By ari - United States

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36565

You deserved it

3005

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By Anonymous - Canada - Maple

Today, I found out that my best friend's psycho ex-girlfriend has been stalking me on social media for the past few months, when she contacted me asking why I was holding hands with him in a picture from over two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19291

You deserved it

1340

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By Anonymous

Stir crazy

Today, I was so bored under quarantine, I spent 2 hours on a colouring book for toddlers. I need human contact, any human, desperately, before I start talking to the walls or seeing pink elephants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1358

You deserved it

225

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By wdunn69733 - United States - Macon

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

86163

You deserved it

10111

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By Anonymous - United States - Wooster

Today, we got new seats in class today. The guy placed next to me, turned, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "The balls are the warmest place on the body" while his hands were in his pants. I'm stuck next to him for the rest of the semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25738

You deserved it

1922

Favorite

Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4991

You deserved it

2180

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By rookiemistake - United States - San Francisco

The mouthfeel

Today, I went to a wine tasting for the first time. I copied the experienced people around me by swishing the wine around in my mouth, which I then choked on and spit out all over my white blouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28880

You deserved it

10083

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By Anonymous

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, I had people coming over to buy some chairs from me. I took a screenshot of their profile because I was home alone, and watch enough ID to be cautious. I thought I'd sent it to my fiancé. I'd sent it to them instead. Now my anxiety is through the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks

716

You deserved it

1137

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By GoldenTornado11

Today, I walked in on my parents having sex. In my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7911

You deserved it

523

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 05:01 - Australia

Livin' the dream

Today, and for the last few days, I’ve been playing farming life simulator games. It dawned on me that my fictional farmers will probably be more successful and social and rich and energetic than I ever will be in my entire life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

605

You deserved it

198

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By BoobiePain - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got stitches in my breast. I never knew how much they jiggled until every bump on the road made my breast feel like it was on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39733

You deserved it

2995

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the pool, casually flirting with one of the lifeguards. He said that he would gladly give me CPR, in the event that I needed it. I laughed and thanked him, stating that it was a sweet idea, even though I wouldn't be needing assistance. I then choked on my bottled water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15906

You deserved it

44766

Favorite

By Mary - United States

Today, I called a pest control company to ask them to come over to my place to help get rid of rats. The person on the phone told me to "be a man and stop acting like a girl". I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41289

You deserved it

3426

Favorite

By margelover - Denmark

Today, I woke up after having a wet dream about Marge Simpson. I really need to get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38997

You deserved it

9010

Favorite

By Anonymous - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49203

You deserved it

11958

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By unknown

Today, I dissected a baby pig. All I could think about was Wilber from Charlotte's Web. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1333

You deserved it

294

Favorite

By rebeccacaissie - United States

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

I agree, your life sucks

29520

You deserved it

8865

Favorite

By jogginglikeitsmyjob - United States - Boston

Today, I had trouble carrying a box upstairs because my arms were sore from working out. My mom asked me, "Why are you working out so much then?" I didn't have the heart to tell her it was because of her 100-pound weight gain and that I didn't want to end up looking like her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45000

You deserved it

7009

Favorite

By yamaha_313 - United States - Wartburg

Today, my 82-year-old great grandfather informed me that his "peeter" still works, and that most guys his age can't say the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25581

You deserved it

2198

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By bradyman - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after not being there for 3 years. I was told that I had loads of cavities and that I would need to pay $3,000 for a serious mouth surgery. The reason I hadn't been to the dentist in 3 years: I've been married to a dentist for 3 years that said my teeth were "perfect." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40252

You deserved it

6105

Favorite

By teebs - United States - San Leandro

Long wait

Today, on my way for a vacation, my car started misfiring, so I called a tow truck. 40 minutes later the tow truck arrived. He then said that he had just gotten another priority call, so he was leaving and someone would be back in another hour to get us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2438

You deserved it

163

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By Madi Jenna - United States

Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39167

You deserved it

5834

Favorite

By burb - Germany - Berlin

Today, I invited my new girlfriend over for the first time. My roommate thought it would be funny to go on a porn site on my computer and leave it up. She saw it, freaked out, slapped me, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44915

You deserved it

3858

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 20:08

About last night…

Today, I woke up on the couch in front of the television covered with a blanket. Last night, I'd come home pissed from the pub, fired up porn, got my pants off and settled down for a wank. However, this morning the telly was off, my trousers were on, and I don't remember a blanket. I live with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

235

You deserved it

1694

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Top comments

By beeferjay | 34

#7665391 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 2:38

They say cats protect from evil spirits... Maybe you let out some demons without knowing it

By BurnInDemonFire | 32

#7665367 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 1:50

What a cat-astrophe.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 32

#7665367 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 1:50

What a cat-astrophe.

thelittlem | 15

#7665475 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 9:26

cat-ass-trophe

BurnInDemonFire | 32

#7665555 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 13:56

No, that crosses into extreme Dad joke territory, and I'm nowhere near close to being a dad, so I kept the pun simple.

By beeferjay | 34

#7665391 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 2:38

They say cats protect from evil spirits... Maybe you let out some demons without knowing it

John Nemeth | 14

#7665406 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 3:31

And thus the term
“Fart like an Egyptian was born!”

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7665395 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 3:02

Curiosity may have killed the cat but he'll be damned if your fart kills him!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7665405 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 3:26

It’s amazing that cats instinctively go for the blowhole!

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7665411 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 4:16

Sounds like the premise of a half-assed country song.

By Abbusser | 9

#7665416 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 4:48

Did your husband then claw and bite your bum? You startled him too...

By acmariner99 | 25

#7665419 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 4:52

Cat: 1, Bum: 0

By Madrias | 36

#7665425 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 5:36

The cat was just trying to save you from having another fart attack.

By TCRII | 29

#7665539 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 13:30

Your cat knows that you should never trust a fart.

By Tarlachia | 33

#7665649 - Tuesday 24 July 2018 17:17

Since cats typically nocturnal, maybe he was trying to shut off the alarm with his eyes still closed?

Cat: “Fuck, fuck! Where is it?! So damn loud! Shut up!”