Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would...

By sleeper - 2/3/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would have been fine but I was suddenly jerked awake by the very loud sound of my own fart, followed by the stares of many strangers. FML

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Transportation

Boozehound alert

My body, my choice

The past that suits you best

By lovethyneighbour - 4/8/2014 00:19 - Australia - Berowra

Today, my neighbour casually mentioned that he sold my car's GPS that I'd let him borrow. He figured I wouldn't be needing it anymore since I lost my license. FML

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By nayahbear24 - 27/8/2014 22:52 - United States - Trenton

Today, after coming home from a two week vacation, my dog was pink, there were beer bottles and used condoms on my bed, and everything was a mess. I asked my sister, who'd been watching over the place, what had happened. She just said "Oops." and hung up. FML

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By Droolgirl - 26/5/2009 01:25 - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant. I was drinking some water when I noticed a hot guy eating alone at another table waving at me. I smiled back, but had forgotten to swallow the water so it dribbled out of my mouth all over my shirt. FML

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By taperjeangirl - 21/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 09:44 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 16:39 - United States

Today, my roommate and I invited a few girls over to our dorm for a small party. We started to play a drinking game, and I attempted to chug three beers in two minutes. My stomach wouldn't have that, and I spewed up bright red chunks everywhere and on everyone. FML

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By ifmlftw - 22/6/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2014 20:49 - United States

Today, my road rage got so out of hand that I'm now actually inclined to honk obnoxiously at my computer when it's being slow. FML

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By technodont - 11/5/2015 14:37 - United States

Today, my rental car had an automatic rear hatch. That sounded helpful until I used it and it emptied $60 in just-purchased groceries for the week on the parking lot pavement. The jars and jugs weren't ready for the leap. FML

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By axewoman - 17/10/2014 08:14

Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice lumberjack for a wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2018 22:24

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

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By buses suck - 15/11/2015 06:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I regret asking my neighbor to turn down his music last night. When I left for work, I found his car parked so close to mine that I couldn't squeeze between them. His wife's was parked the same way on the other side. They wouldn't answer their door and I ended up being late to work. FML

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By dumbass - 12/1/2017 09:37

Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML

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By joy - 7/2/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

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By Whatever479 - 17/2/2011 17:29 - Ireland

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

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By Alejandroc - 20/1/2012 01:46 - Honduras

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, my best friend thought the best time to tell me she was sleeping with my boyfriend was while we were acting in a play. FML

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By atleastshelldiefirst - 13/10/2012 00:18 - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping, when an elderly lady walked up to me and tripped over her own feet. I caught her by the arm, at which point she shrieked at me for "groping" her. She ended up smirking as security threw me out of the store. FML

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By .... - 31/12/2010 06:23 - Canada

Today, I tripped over a ice block frozen to the ground and hit my knee hard on another. I had trouble getting up, so I asked my dad if he could give me a hand. He started clapping and walked away. FML

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By panther of the desert - 2/5/2012 21:58 - Puerto Rico - Rio Grande

Today, I was to have an important phone interview for a job. I got a call and everything went perfectly, and they said I was hired. Later, I found out that one of my "friends" had gotten one of his buddies to prank call me and make sure the line was engaged when the real interviewer called. FML

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By ripped off and blown out - 8/6/2017 00:00

Today, I was driving to visit my parents for the first time in two years. After spending about $4000 to make sure my car wouldn't break down on the journey, around the halfway point, the front tire popped and the engine blew out. I'm about 5 states away from both my parents and my home. FML

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By JustMarried - 7/5/2016 21:47 - Ukraine

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

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By Third trimester - 26/5/2017 17:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I stepped into a subway car, I noticed some free seats and began walking towards them. A group of girls standing nearby looked at me, then at the seats, and made a run for them. They then high-fived, presumably as congratulations for sitting down before the pregnant lady could. FML

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By -_- - 21/9/2017 16:00

Google Maps strikes again!

Today, I went shopping for some nice clothing for work. Annoyed that the first two stores I went to didn't have anything, I drove to a store in an unfamiliar part of the city. Not only did Google Maps direct me to a store that doesn't exist, but my car broke down in the parking lot. FML

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By curiousorange - 5/7/2009 15:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I met a great girl at a party. We talked alone, and she made me promise I'd dance with her later. When I saw her later, she was unconscious, and in an ambulance. She'd collapsed, and the entire party assumed I'd spiked her drink. FML

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By cricketsins - 14/5/2015 05:11 - United States

Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put it in a box on my bed. I never had a tarantula, and the box was empty when I checked. FML

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By Mike - 31/10/2009 04:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my 5 year old daughter figured out how to use the microwave, microwaving my brand new 3G iphone. It was completely wrecked. So was the microwave. FML

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By jbhadafuckedupday - 15/3/2018 01:30

Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time. What he did not tell me was that he had shit on the floor, and when I went into the bathroom to check, I slipped on a turd and knocked myself out on the sink. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2013 16:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to let me know that she almost left me for another guy not so long ago, because he was more handsome and talented than me. The reason she didn't leave: "He's out of my league; you're not." FML

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By 20month dry spell - 27/9/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By JustAnotherFML23 - 4/9/2013 01:32 - United States - Seattle

Today, my loneliness reached a new level when I befriended the fly in my apartment, Mr. Stickyfoot. FML

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By Bryce - 10/5/2020 02:00

Very fishy

Today, my dad and I went fishing. We both got a bite, but when we went to reel it in, both our hooks were in the catfish's mouth. He pushed me in the mud and took my hook out its mouth so he could say he caught it. FML

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By gracie511 - 29/1/2019 12:00

Today, my flight was delayed 3 hours so I was scrolling through my phone. Minding my own business, I was swiping through tinder and some guy behind me goes, “Ouch; hard no for that one?” And I turn around only to see the man I JUST swiped left on. FML.

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By bully slayer - 12/12/2018 10:00 - Philippines - Pasay City

Today, in the absence of my god-daughter's parents, I went in their place to see her elementary school's principal. She apparently stood up to a known bully's violence and retaliated, sending said bully to the hospital. Not only she may be facing expulsion, I may get sued by the bully's parents. FML

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By ihatevideos - 16/3/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

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By failfailfail - 30/9/2009 13:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a big exam. 20 minutes in I could feel people turning round looking at me. I ignored them at first, but towards the one hour mark it got more distracting. I stood up and yelled "Why's everyone staring at me!" I got kicked out. Turns out I was seated directly in front of the clock. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML

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By strongjon60 - 7/2/2012 15:07 - United States

Today, at my internship, I was told we were going to do something fun. I was excited, until I found out that this "fun" thing was labeling 500 folders. FML

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By WorthLessThanACareer - 21/6/2016 12:57

Today, the guy I've been dating said we couldn't see each other anymore because he needed to focus on his career. He's unemployed. FML

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By Anonymouse - 2/7/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

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Top comments

By Jimboom | 11

#907346 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:37

Lol. Awesome. I would have loved to have seen that. I would have been that one guy sitting there pissing himself laughing and then high 5'ing you.

By orukinawa | 0

#907338 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:33

lol u farted urself awake like brian from family guy

COMMENTS

By rustproofvirud | 0

#907280 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:20

actually one of you is probally secretly gay I mean I can see the unisex clothing but haircuts lol jk that had to suck though

By luisavs | 0

#907286 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:21

I think your comment posted to the wrong fml

DeeBizz | 0

#907376 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:47

this happens to me all the time in class , but the classes I go to sleep in are always loud , so nobody hears it. I hate waking up every 10 minutes though