By Anonymous

Are you taking the piss?

Today, I was being drug tested as part of a pre-employment policy for substitute teaching. Once I had peed in the cup enough to pass the line, I put it on the only available space: the toilet paper holder. Trying to get toilet paper, I knocked the cup over, spilling pee all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1425

You deserved it

836

Tweet

Share

Family values

Coherence dude, do you have it?

In-laws, in-fighting

By Ohwhy - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, as I waited to fly home, a very attractive woman smiled and gestured towards the seat next to me. However, a hyperactive child and his mother barged past into said empty seats. The woman really hit it off with the guy behind, while I was stuck listening to a kid scream at Angry Birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24380

You deserved it

2035

Tweet

Share

By LadyGore - Canada

Today, I realized the $40 iPhone case I bought to keep my new phone from getting scratched, scratched my iPhone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28282

You deserved it

6515

Tweet

Share

By OhDearGodGrandad - United Kingdom - Ilford

Today, I saw my grandfather on the train, with his cock out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27627

You deserved it

2117

Tweet

Share

By Andrea Trevor

Today, I woke up at 5am to my dog jumping off of my bed. No big deal. I rolled over to the other side of the bed to fall back asleep and my face landed right in a puddle of his pee. I tasted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4023

You deserved it

601

Tweet

Share

By jackzz - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, at the restaurant I work at, my own mom refused to give a tip and complained to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34835

You deserved it

3555

Tweet

Share

By mvgirl - United States

Today, while sitting with my son, an ice cream cone landed on my head from out of no where. I look up to see three children on the balcony above us yelling, "Look we hit the fat lady!" They ran away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38913

You deserved it

5565

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my brother, the plumber, was called to unblock a toilet. Whenever this occurs, he takes a photo of it and sends it to me. It always seems to happen around meal time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24868

You deserved it

2315

Tweet

Share

By a - United States

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24652

You deserved it

2127

Tweet

Share

By DoYourWorst - Canada

Dorsia? On a Friday night?

Today, marks yet another day when I've been threatened to be ruined with the words, "I know people in high places!" and had objects thrown at me at my workplace. I'm a hostess. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4657

You deserved it

313

Tweet

Share

By Lexi801 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I had a volleyball game, and we were down by 13 points. I looked up at the crowd, and my mom was shaking her head in disappointment. When it was my turn to serve, I aced them, and tied the score. When I looked up she was gone. She'd left. When I got home, I heard how I sucked for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44763

You deserved it

2873

Tweet

Share

By UnknownOperation - United States - Washington

Today, I finally decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. Surprisingly, he and my father already knew each other, so I asked him how they met. Now I know where my boyfriend gets all his weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31629

You deserved it

3957

Tweet

Share

By ImprovTeacher

Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

663

You deserved it

2219

Tweet

Share

By poor_college_kid - United States - Tucson

Today, I found out that I owe my college a little over $10,000. Why? Because, due to a slight misspelling of my name, the scholarship that I have been going insane trying to meet the requirements for is not actually giving me any funding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12543

You deserved it

847

Tweet

Share

By Fml

Today, a co-worker called in sick due to a family emergency. I ended up working an unplanned 12-hour overnight shift. After I clocked out, I dragged myself out to the parking lot to go home. Someone had smeared tacos all over my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4348

You deserved it

196

Tweet

Share

By thanks sis - United States - Reading

Today, my sister asked me to grab her some toilet paper. I refused, so she grabbed my favorite shirt out of the laundry basket and used it to wipe. I was busy icing my sprained ankle. I couldn't walk. She knew this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27631

You deserved it

3936

Tweet

Share

By artsmart1 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28241

You deserved it

2911

Tweet

Share

By roberto - Brazil

Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38612

You deserved it

7304

Tweet

Share

By nice one - United States - Athens

Today, I got home from a week-long vacation with my friend's family. When I got back home, I found the garage door had been completely demolished. My uncontrollably drunk dad blamed me. I don't even drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46692

You deserved it

2735

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Boulder

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44799

You deserved it

5261

Tweet

Share

By twiggygonegirl

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3744

You deserved it

607

Tweet

Share

By edavis1993 - United States - Milford

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25839

You deserved it

1457

Tweet

Share

By Confused and Disgusted - United States - Sparta

Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger in my armpit, then licked his finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31163

You deserved it

2407

Tweet

Share

By beriles - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close to while we were at the bar. Music was playing, so I thought that while his attention was diverted I would sneak out a yawn. Just as I did so, the music went silent and I let out a tremendous burp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25067

You deserved it

8387

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called a guy who had requested a free marketing consultation for his funeral home through the internet a couple of days ago. When I got through, the receptionist seemed a little taken back by me wanting to talk to him. He had died and was buried yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24391

You deserved it

2620

Tweet

Share

By Michaelichael - United States

Today, I was mowing the lawn of my brand new house, located in a very nice neighborhood (I am a hispanic male), and a lady in her nice white cadillac drove up and asked me, in extremely broken spanish, if I could mow her lawn too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

148086

You deserved it

11663

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39185

You deserved it

34866

Tweet

Share

By demispark - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I was leaving work when I realized I had forgotten my bag on my desk. As I went back to get it, I overheard my co-workers talking about "last night's office party." I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45203

You deserved it

4825

Tweet

Share

By B.. - 1/9/2020 23:00

Bye then!

Today, my girlfriend, after 9 months of coffee shop dates and sharing bottles of wine, relaxing, expressing our love for each other, decided it was time to end our relationship by telling me that she actually wasn't happy, and had her and all of her friends and family block me on every social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1400

You deserved it

148

Tweet

Share

By aj513 - United States - New Bedford

Today, my girlfriend and I got caught doing it in her parent's bed by her mom. Instead of making me leave, they forced me to stay for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22023

You deserved it

30023

Tweet

Share

By macattack - United States

Today, I was in my car with my window down at a red light. Outside, a sweet old lady was sitting on a bench with her dog sleeping next to her. I yelled out the window to tell her how cute her dog was. She replied, "He's dead" and cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36645

You deserved it

4731

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Mordialloc

Today, I met my boyfriend's adoptive family. There was his mom and several brothers, one of whom tried to hit on me. They tried to convince my boyfriend to break up with me, and his mom told me I'll probably get knocked up by the brother who hit on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50355

You deserved it

4035

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

82214

You deserved it

9793

Tweet

Share

By readytomingle - United States

Today, I bought an "I love my boyfriend" t-shirt so people wouldn't think I'm single. I'm very single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18052

You deserved it

42254

Tweet

Share

By Misty Michelle Jones

Today, I purchased a rather expensive, self-cleaning litter box for my 4 cats. Now they're shitting outside of the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1481

You deserved it

326

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked outside, slipped, busted my head, and had to get 7 stitches. Turns out my son thought it would be funny to spray the sidewalk with water last night so it would freeze. He got a laugh, and I spent over $100 on the stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29313

You deserved it

2898

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20739

You deserved it

1637

Tweet

Share

By hayleediaz - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked nice in my profile picture. I began to reply "Aww, thank you!" until he sent another message saying "Mostly because your face isn't in it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25461

You deserved it

2869

Tweet

Share

By Michelle - Australia - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend told me that I have the bad habit of not doing the dishes before he has his daily piss in the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50586

You deserved it

5597

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30387

You deserved it

3197

Tweet

Share

By shitforchris - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65347

You deserved it

11605

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7806895 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 18:01

Was there no floor in there?

By 123Puppy | 31

#7806886 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 17:17

You should have temporarily put the cup on the ground.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7806860 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 15:41

I think they have their result without having to waste money on the lab resting.

If you were high during the test, the could maybe send you to rehab. Otherwise, you can’t fix stupid.

By 123Puppy | 31

#7806886 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 17:17

You should have temporarily put the cup on the ground.

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7807239 - Wednesday 29 May 2019 17:34

Based on OP's current run of luck, they probably would have kicked it.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7806895 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 18:01

Was there no floor in there?

By BloodRedViola | 12

#7807262 - Wednesday 29 May 2019 19:42

did you not put the lid on it??

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7807638 - Friday 31 May 2019 2:37

"If you like it, you should have put a lid on it." - Peeyoncé.