Today, I entered the bathroom to discover that my brother had... - FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 12:43 - Canada - Bedford

Today, I entered the bathroom to discover that my brother had left semen and filthy water all over the floor and counter. I confronted him and demanded that he clean it up. My parents heard, sighed, and sent me back into the bathroom to clean it up myself. The towel was soaked too. FML

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Inspirational tale

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Like riding a bike

By danskinnow - 5/10/2009 02:01 - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

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By merkris - 29/6/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my boyfriend and 2 friends. My uncle passed by me in the mall. He said "What are you baby-sitting or something?" He pointed to the merry-go-round. My boyfriend was sitting on the giraffe yelling at the top of his lungs. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 05:33

Today, while on a family Disney world vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom's floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

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By anythingjean - 25/5/2009 21:46 - Canada

Today, I saw a cute guy on the bus. I smiled at him and he smiled back. After a couple of stops, he got off the bus. He bumped into me, turned around, apologized, and winked. I stood there feeling good about myself. Then I realized he stole my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 08:04

Make your minds up

Today, I was told I was negative for Covid, so I went to buy wine to celebrate. Two hours later, I got a call again, saying I was positive and placed under quarantine. FML

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By JaneSimple - 16/8/2020 14:02

Brain worms

Today, my fiancé forgot my birthday. I did however remember to tell him we were sending his mother flowers, for her birthday, which falls a week after mine. We've been together 10 years. I sent her flowers on my birthday. FML

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By leonieNL - 12/8/2010 14:50 - Netherlands

Today, I got back from a 3 and a half week trip to South Africa to do volunteer work with children in townships. My parents forgot to pick me up, and I had to sit there by myself and wait for them, while 80 people of the same organization got loving hugs from their proud parents. FML

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By ToysforHire - 22/9/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator and has been using it for the past two weeks. When I confronted her, her only argument was "It's made me cum more times than you could." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, my brother decided to help me artificially age some of my artwork by singeing the edges slightly. Apparently "my brother set fire to my homework" isn't a valid excuse. FML

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By now what - 24/12/2014 05:56 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML

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By hannax - 16/8/2016 17:26 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I was spending the night at my fiancé's house. He knew my period was about to start, so he asked if he needed to put a tarp down on the bed. He was dead serious. FML

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By Alice - 30/8/2015 12:13 - United States - Logan

Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML

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By DogStew - 25/9/2019 00:01

Objects in the rear-view mirror

Today, my obsession with my mean ex-girlfriend returned. It ended 9 years ago. It happened when I started researching self-help. Now, I can’t stop thinking about that selfish piece of shit. FML

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By Rjlup - 11/6/2013 14:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML

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By Stupid-Brain - 6/10/2020 09:59

Please like me

Today, like every other time for as long as I can remember, even the slightest suggestion that someone doesn't want to be around me sends me into a major panic attack. I've been in therapy for three years to try and handle my anxiety. FML

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By Kelli - 28/8/2010 04:56 - United States

Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML

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By jacks_smirking_revenge - 6/3/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, while out to lunch, my sister called me and asked me to pick her up from the mall. I told her she'd have to wait. She got pissed off and started cursing at me, so I hung up on her. She called me back 37 times until I answered and yelled "WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?" It was my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 20:07 - France - Sardieu

Today, my girlfriend informed me that our relationship is an open one. This was only after I was told that when she was "stuck in traffic" two days ago, she was actually playing the triple-X version of Twister in my "best friend's" bed. FML

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By dmvsucks - 13/9/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I was at the DMV getting temporary tags for my new car. While waiting in line, a huge fat lady behind me felt the need to run her finger down the scar on the back of my neck. FML

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By katie_sadface - 15/10/2012 02:19 - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2012 14:59 - United States - Newark

Today, I found out what a bottle of regurgitated wine looks like on white bedsheets. FML

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By Average - 13/2/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML

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By jack - 23/4/2012 02:43 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out why my girlfriend comes over for dinner so often. She thinks my dad is a real babe. FML

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By dumped - 5/6/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because the love advice that she gets on her cellphone every week says that I'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and I was planning to propose next week. FML

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By OkieThePokie - 7/8/2017 13:00

Today, I found out that my unborn son has an abnormally large head. I have an abnormally small and narrow pelvis, and I'm allergic to local anesthetic, so no epidural or spinal for me! FML

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By EnemyofKarma - 4/3/2010 08:52 - Canada

Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML

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By communistgirl - 24/1/2012 16:42 - United States

Today, I had to do community service work, so I helped out at a senior center. One of the confused elderly patients, who believed the Cold War was still on, thought I was a Soviet and started screaming about how I was going to nuke his country. FML

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By Coffee Boy - 23/6/2012 04:55 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2014 18:51 - Mayotte - Mamoudzou

Today, I found a roach in my takeaway. I found it after I felt something hard in my mouth and spat pieces of it back out onto my plate. FML

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By ilikemusicokay - 8/8/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. Since I knew it would take a while, I brought my iPod in for entertainment. To bad it disabled me from hearing the continuous knocks on the door as well as the manager eventually picking the lock and busting in. FML

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By I already have one, thanks - 9/8/2014 05:59 - Australia - Mosman

Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML

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By Unknown - 26/10/2008 12:56 - France

Today, I have blue lips because of a guy whose face I don't even remember didn't know the difference between kissing and sucking. FML

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By deadbunnies - 31/7/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I texted the man I'm dating, told him I was having a terrible day and asked him to say something to cheer me up. His response? "Did you know that rabbits shriek when they're killed?" I'm still having a terrible day, and now I can't stop thinking about dying, shrieking bunnies. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2014 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML

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By cookiecrust - 7/12/2009 14:44 - Singapore

Today, I found out from my mom that the sweet smelling shampoo she bought recently belongs to Tammi. I've been using it for a week now. The chocolate drops I ate yesterday are also hers. Tammi is our pet Chihuahua. FML

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By Tomtom - 17/11/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I put on the same jeans that I had left in a bundle in my bedroom the day before. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to make their spectacular reappearance trick at the bottom of my leg in the middle of one of my meetings. FML

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By WIno - 1/9/2010 02:46 - United States

Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2018 05:00

Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML

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By ZiggyTink - 9/7/2015 03:24 - United States - North Branch

Today, my boyfriend's brother and fiancé decided to preach to me about how I need to read the Bible because I'm agnostic. I'd be fine if it wasn't coming from two 19-year-olds who dated for 5 months, got pregnant, got engaged, lost the baby, and still wanna get married, "so they don't look bad." FML

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By Teeny - 5/5/2018 05:00

gross

Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML

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Top comments

By badwolf504 | 15

#6514654 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:39

Why did they make you clean it up? Did they think you made the mess? Did they think it was just a bit of water?

By xoteeshaox | 22

#6514655 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:39

That is disgusting! Not to mention, really rude of your parents to force you to clean up his mess. I'd refuse to do it.

COMMENTS

By Tejanoswhy | 19

#6514653 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6514867 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 22:44

Reread the FML.

Reply

epicx22 | 22

#6514919 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 0:38

Well the parents were the one who made OP clean up .. Which I don't see why, I honestly would've preferred to take punishment(if it's given) and not clean it up. I would never clean up someone's mess that is that disgusting.

Reply

Nessco | 36

#6514947 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 1:26

What is wrong with your parents??? You should have left it and used any other bathroom in the house if there was another one. You should never be expected to do that for your brother.

By badwolf504 | 15

#6514654 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:39

Why did they make you clean it up? Did they think you made the mess? Did they think it was just a bit of water?

Reply

jtfrisch | 22

#6514731 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:42

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

R2Y2 | 22

#6514756 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:58

What a gent 19.

Reply

Renisca | 5

#6514857 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 22:22

Could be anyone's mouth! Could even be your own mouth!

Reply

MmmPinkTacos | 11

#6514903 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 0:04

Jill's mouth doesn't count, that's still just your hand 19.

Reply

DexBanWhore | 6

#6515042 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 3:00

what's with the down votes 19 was honestly funny

Reply

Fuckthefuck | 4

#6522764 - Friday 29 January 2016 0:28

wow

By xoteeshaox | 22

#6514655 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:39

That is disgusting! Not to mention, really rude of your parents to force you to clean up his mess. I'd refuse to do it.

Reply

co824 | 9

#6515403 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 15:24

no doubt. would not even think about touching it

By Spencyy | 18

#6514656 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:40

That's nasty, why would OP have to clean it up? Her bro needs to learn the toilet paper method.

Reply

pupeve | 11

#6515492 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 17:31

Or even just use the old socks method.

By ChocolateyBacon | 18

#6514657 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:41

Wow. I don't understand why they got mad at you; you didn't do anything wrong. FYL, that's really gross.

By lui_pg | 21

#6514658 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:42

Sounds like you were in a sticky situation

By MrScootyPuffSr | 16

#6514659 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:42

I didn't think Canadians demanded anything? You all are always so polite, probably threw them off of their game.

Reply

ConfusedCat | 11

#6514898 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 23:56

As a Canadian I can confirm this.

Reply

russfml | 31

#6515117 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 5:15

Except when we play hockey :)

By Colon_Man | 17

#6514660 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:43

In before goldmine!

(Passcode: Stairs?)

By fuckfuckityfuck | 16

#6514661 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:45

Fuck that shit! You shouldn't have to clean up his cum. If he can cum, he can clean!

By PhoenixChick | 26

#6514668 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:47

That's disgusting. Your parents are disgusting. If you all use the same bathroom, I would have left the house and let them enjoy it.