Today, I entered the bathroom to discover that my brother had... - FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 12:43 - Canada - Bedford

Today, I entered the bathroom to discover that my brother had left semen and filthy water all over the floor and counter. I confronted him and demanded that he clean it up. My parents heard, sighed, and sent me back into the bathroom to clean it up myself. The towel was soaked too. FML

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White line fever

Headache

You snooze, you lose

By Ginger - 3/2/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML

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By station - 5/5/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was walking out of the train station when an old man grabbed me. I started screaming, yelling, "HELP" like a madwoman and tried pushing him away - that's when I saw the golf cart rush past me. He was trying to push me aside from getting run over. Everyone started laughing. FML

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By joe - 23/6/2013 23:36 - United States - Easton

Today, I was teasing my 6-year-old sister about having a boyfriend. I asked her, "Did he take his shirt off?" She promptly said no. A few minutes later, she said, "But he did take his pants off." I then asked why. She said, "To show me his penis." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2018 19:00

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

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By cartrouble - 25/11/2010 03:52 - United States

Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML

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By sucks - 5/1/2011 07:41 - Netherlands

Today, my boss walked in and said something I didn't quite hear, but my co-worker chuckled so to be polite, I laughed with him. They gave me some weird looks. My boss was actually talking about his wife's tumor and my co-worker was coughing. FML

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By haha - 4/9/2011 00:04 - United States

Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML

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By A continent away - 2/9/2014 19:48 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, the security at the airport were nice enough to remind me to take the laptop out of my bag. I wish they'd also reminded me to put it back in before I left. FML

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By makin bacon - 8/11/2019 20:00

Bad smell

Today, my idiot roommate read somewhere that bacon grease could be used on squeaky doors and windows. Now, we're desperately trying to scrub the rancid goop out of door hinges and window tracks. Our whole place smells like rotten pig ass and death! FML

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By midwesternpetclerk - 9/11/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2015 05:08 - United States - Portland

Today, I caught my mother-in-law trying to plant a GPS tracker on my car. FML

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By baron - 1/6/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2012 22:54 - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

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By ADanceWithDavos - 7/7/2014 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

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By sarahrachel - 15/12/2015 03:30 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while in the airport waiting to board, I got the sudden urge to pee, so I ran to the bathroom feeling like my bladder was about to burst. I was so focused on relieving my bladder that I failed to notice the diarrhea covering the toilet seat and the wall behind it until I was sitting in it. FML

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By Lonely - 24/7/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with my sister and my crush. I spent the majority of the date flirting with my crush, and when he dropped us off at home, I told him I had fun on our date. He looked at me surprised and said he'd thought I'd tagged along on his date with my sister. FML

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By dukemisery - 12/12/2016 09:33 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after being trapped in an elevator for 4 hours, I really had to pee. Just when I decided to pee in the elevator shaft, the lift doors opened. FML

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By agentile - 2/12/2010 01:14 - United States

Today, my grandma was leaning over in front of me, vacuuming, while wearing a v-neck shirt. Out of instinct, I glanced at her chest. She's 75. I checked out my 75 year old grandma. FML

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By Nola - 13/9/2018 22:00

Today, my fiancé got his associate degree in the mail. Wanting to surprise him when he got home, I opened it to display it before going out to buy groceries. His dog got a hold of his degree and shredded it to pieces. FML

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By Fml - 22/4/2018 15:00

Today, a co-worker called in sick due to a family emergency. I ended up working an unplanned 12-hour overnight shift. After I clocked out, I dragged myself out to the parking lot to go home. Someone had smeared tacos all over my car. FML

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By atleasthelocalsarenice - 4/3/2017 12:00

Today, while camping alone in an isolated area, I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a fellow camper, who then offered me a crayfish and a romantic beach walk as a way of flirtation. FML

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By kkkk - 31/1/2011 15:44

Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML

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By sweetie808 - 28/1/2016 08:39 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

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By Megz - 2/1/2013 17:38 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, my roommate of a year and good friend of several more decided to move out. When I came home from a long work shift, I found all the cupboards emptied out of everything, including all the new stuff I bought to replace what she was going to take with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 04:18 - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, at my annual checkup, the doc looks down at my foot and says, "Oh, you have an extra toenail. 6, huh?" Then sort of scraping at the side of my foot below the pinky toe, he pulls off a long piece of dead, dried skin and says, "Oh." FML

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By bootyislife - 3/2/2015 04:36 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 05:57 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend confessed that he felt so insecure he submerged my $80 vibrator in water to eliminate the competition. FML

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By WOCOACH - 9/9/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML

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By young grandpa - 17/6/2013 22:49 - United States - Statham

Today, I found out I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm 29, my son is 13 and the girl in question is 16. FML

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By blarg - 30/1/2009 00:45 - United States

Today, I got in a huge fight with my mom. So, I went to my room and locked myself in there and played loud music so I didn't have to hear her. She then decides to yell at me over facebook. Shortly after, I log out of Facebook. She then starts yelling at me on Yahoo. Damn technology. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2014 02:00 - United States - Kent

Today, I went on a trip to Cleveland. After getting lunch, my brother and I started walking back to my car. Halfway there, we were jumped, threatened with a knife, and yelled at to hand over our money. The only thing my brother could do was ask our mugger, "Uh, what gender are you?" FML

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By Username - 28/3/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has been slipping me abortion pills to "supplement" my regular birth control. FML

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By Lost - 15/9/2009 19:24 - United States

Today, I got rejected for approximately the tenth credit card I've applied for, I called a bank to find out why. Apparently I took out a car loan in 2004 and bought a house in 2006. I was 13 in 2004. The credit report does not have any records of this. Thank you identity theft. FML

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By animal lover... - 5/10/2013 22:34

Today, I woke up to my cat slowly dragging her paw across my face. I opened my eyes to see a bloody mouse dangling an inch from my face. It was still twitching. FML

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By paul - 2/2/2010 11:25 - France

Today, I had a big meeting. Half way through my presentation, I sneezed, and continued talking. I get some weird looks from my co-worker but I didn't understand what he meant. When I finished, I passed by my boss walking to my chair, he gave me a handkerchief. Why? Snot was all over my tie. FML

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By Kate - 17/10/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I was chatting with a customer who comes regularly to my job. He sticks his hand out and I put my hand on his, thinking he's giving me a high five. He was just waiting for his receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2017 01:30

Today, a stranger yelled, "Non-believers shouldn't wear these!" He then took my rosary and ran off. It belonged to my dead brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2010 11:13 - India

Today, I saw an old homeless man who had just fallen down due to his drinking. Everyone laughed at him, but I felt bad, so I went to help him up. My reward? A quick punch in the face, landing me in the hospital. FML

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By hard worker - 22/8/2016 01:03

Today, I gave my boss 2 weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML

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Top comments

By badwolf504 | 15

#6514654 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:39

Why did they make you clean it up? Did they think you made the mess? Did they think it was just a bit of water?

By xoteeshaox | 22

#6514655 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:39

That is disgusting! Not to mention, really rude of your parents to force you to clean up his mess. I'd refuse to do it.

Comments

By Tejanoswhy | 19

#6514653 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6514867 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 22:44

Reread the FML.

Reply

epicx22 | 22

#6514919 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 0:38

Well the parents were the one who made OP clean up .. Which I don't see why, I honestly would've preferred to take punishment(if it's given) and not clean it up. I would never clean up someone's mess that is that disgusting.

Reply

Nessco | 36

#6514947 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 1:26

What is wrong with your parents??? You should have left it and used any other bathroom in the house if there was another one. You should never be expected to do that for your brother.

By badwolf504 | 15

#6514654 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:39

Why did they make you clean it up? Did they think you made the mess? Did they think it was just a bit of water?

Reply

jtfrisch | 22

#6514731 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:42

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

R2Y2 | 22

#6514756 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:58

What a gent 19.

Reply

Renisca | 5

#6514857 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 22:22

Could be anyone's mouth! Could even be your own mouth!

Reply

MmmPinkTacos | 11

#6514903 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 0:04

Jill's mouth doesn't count, that's still just your hand 19.

Reply

DexBanWhore | 6

#6515042 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 3:00

what's with the down votes 19 was honestly funny

Reply

Fuckthefuck | 4

#6522764 - Friday 29 January 2016 0:28

wow

By xoteeshaox | 22

#6514655 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:39

That is disgusting! Not to mention, really rude of your parents to force you to clean up his mess. I'd refuse to do it.

Reply

co824 | 9

#6515403 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 15:24

no doubt. would not even think about touching it

By Spencyy | 18

#6514656 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:40

That's nasty, why would OP have to clean it up? Her bro needs to learn the toilet paper method.

Reply

pupeve | 11

#6515492 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 17:31

Or even just use the old socks method.

By ChocolateyBacon | 18

#6514657 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:41

Wow. I don't understand why they got mad at you; you didn't do anything wrong. FYL, that's really gross.

By lui_pg | 21

#6514658 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:42

Sounds like you were in a sticky situation

By MrScootyPuffSr | 16

#6514659 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:42

I didn't think Canadians demanded anything? You all are always so polite, probably threw them off of their game.

Reply

ConfusedCat | 11

#6514898 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 23:56

As a Canadian I can confirm this.

Reply

russfml | 31

#6515117 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 5:15

Except when we play hockey :)

By Colon_Man | 17

#6514660 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:43

In before goldmine!

(Passcode: Stairs?)

By fuckfuckityfuck | 16

#6514661 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:45

Fuck that shit! You shouldn't have to clean up his cum. If he can cum, he can clean!

By PhoenixChick | 26

#6514668 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:47

That's disgusting. Your parents are disgusting. If you all use the same bathroom, I would have left the house and let them enjoy it.