Work: Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

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Work

Understandable

Healthy relationship

Surrounded

By LonerCow - United States

Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML

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By siamne - 28/3/2021 23:00

Glass half empty

Today, after six months of eating a better diet and exercising every other day, I can now say that I am physically healthier, but the lifestyle changes have done absolutely nothing to help my depression. That was the whole reason I started doing this in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous

All true, obviously

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law thinks that Trump is the "best man to walk the earth since Jesus," and that he's "fighting the deep state who's in control of the fake news." She tried to indoctrinate me. FML

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By cacheson

Today, after being single for a year, I finally have a boyfriend. Today, my chronic nightmares also started up again after being gone for a year. Apparently I'm allowed to have either a love life, or sleep. Not both. FML

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By carl_carl_ - United States - Wichita

Today, I was on a roller coaster behind a boy who vomited in front of me as the cart shot down. It splattered all over my arm, and a little on my cheek. FML

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By whyarewerelated - United Kingdom

Today, I was working alone in the office with my brother. He's run out of work to do, so has been singing Disney songs loudly and badly, throwing stationery at me, and just now snuck up on me from behind and wrapped duct tape round my face. It's just us in the office next week. FML

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By FML.. - China

Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's pre-school. Apparently, she is being suspended, for answering; "What do your parents do at home?" She told them, "My parents fuck." FML

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By ExtendedVacation - United States

Today, I submitted a vacation request to my manager and it was approved. I came back from lunch and was informed that I have been let go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

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By annoyedguy - United States

Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I text her angry, telling her if she can't make our dates then we should break up, and generally telling her off. 5 Minutes later I get a picture message of her sleeping in a hospital bed from her mother saying "Shut the **** up, she had appendicitis." FML

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By Ghettogirl4life - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Squirt

Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

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By Icy - United States

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML

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By anonamous - United States

Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arvada

Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I saw a dog trying to attack a man. I have experience working with aggressive dogs, so I pulled the dog off him and got it under control. The man punched me in the face for not having my dog on a leash. It wasn't my dog. I don't even own a dog. FML

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By avocadopurse

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

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By walkingdictionary - Canada - Toronto

Today, a four-year-old said a word that I didn't know the meaning of. I had to look up the definition. FML

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By heartbroken - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower and his phone was buzzing with calls and texts. Concerned as his nan is in ICU, I picked it up to find he's been secretly sexting his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

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By Demotivation - Germany - Berlin

Today, I was once again handed a document to translate along with the comment "Good luck, it doesn't make sense to begin with." If my translation doesn't, though, I will not get paid. FML

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By Battlebarney - United States - Washington

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

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By daragnan - United States

Today, I found out that last summer while my girlfriend worked on a Disney Cruise ship, she cheated on me with Tarzan. FML

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By charmed

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

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By MaximB - 15/7/2020 14:02

Coming up short

Today, some babe finally super-liked me on Tinder, but didn't want to continue the chat after finding out I'm shorter than her. FML

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By titkip - Kenya - Nairobi

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I am too demanding. FML

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By rholt - United States - Baldwin City

Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML

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By pool party - United States - Rockford

Today, a few freshmen jumped my fence. They decided to take a dip in the pool, so I pulled out a paintball gun. I unloaded over 100 rounds, painting their backs bright yellow. It also dyed my pool yellow, and it'll apparently cost around $500 to repair. FML

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By christmaswillneverend - United States - Red Lion

Today, at my four-year-old daughter's insistence, I looked for - and found - a radio station that plays "Santa music" all year round. She's ecstatic and I can't turn it off without upsetting her. FML

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By pain - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that you should never use medical tape to secure gauze over a razor cut on your scrotum. FML

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By Uneducated

Today, my dad informed me that I’d not be progressing into next year’s class because it’s a waste of money. But it’s fine because my twin will be learning for the both of us. FML

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By sick and awkward - United States - Silver Spring

Cosy chat

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

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By ApparentlyaPotato - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I was called a "Potato" for at least the 30th time by people online for living in Idaho. I've lived here my whole life, I have yet to see a potato farm. None of these people has even left the East Coast. FML

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By jalisc512 - United States - Aurora

Today, my boss threatened to write me up, after I made a slightly rude joke about a coworker everyone hates. A while later, a colleague told me the same joke. Turns out my boss had gone around telling it to everyone else and taking all the credit. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 08:31 - India - Hosur

Catcaller on a bike!

Today, a man on a bike was so preoccupied with making lewd comments about another girl's behind that he drove straight into mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

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By LimpMcgee - United States

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

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By confused_lemon

Should be interesting at the office tomorrow…

Today, I got thrown out by a guy I really like, with the words "Can you leave me the fuck alone, please?" I took my stuff and left as quickly as I could, just to fall down the stairs on his doorway and twist my ankle really bad. He's someone from work as well. FML

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By sstahpp - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

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Top comments

By lui_pg | 21

#6514665 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:46

Now you can get a paid job, always look at the positive

By WCARlover | 34

#6514662 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:45

luckily it wasn't something paid that you were fired from :D

COMMENTS

By WCARlover | 34

#6514662 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:45

luckily it wasn't something paid that you were fired from :D

krazy789 | 28

#6514708 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:12

there were a lot of curves in this fml

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6514779 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 20:22

No real loss here, unless it was an internship to help you graduate...

Technastar | 25

#6523066 - Friday 29 January 2016 7:16

Does anyone else think that this sounds exactly like what happened to Joey Tribbiani from "Friends"; when monica fired him to gain respect from the other waiters

By lui_pg | 21

#6514665 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:46

Now you can get a paid job, always look at the positive

MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6514703 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:06

OP could already have a paying job. Volunteering somewhere doesn't prevent from also having an actual job.

By Tejanoswhy | 19

#6514666 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:47

Time to find a better job

By Phantom425 | 11

#6514667 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:47

Just don't help your friend the next time, see if they like it.

By krazyelliot | 14

#6514669 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:48

Man you won't even have anything to get "payback"

By Irum_M | 8

#6514671 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:48

Well at least now you can try and find a better job.

By lolszilla | 14

#6514674 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:48

no worries OP, I'm sure you tried your best to help out. Your friend needs to appreciate or let you know kindly (not sure of OP's friend's tone) that your help is not needed.