Intimacy: Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning... - FML

By cole66 - 29/11/2015 18:43 - United States - Knoxville

Spicy

Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 402

You deserved it 3 136

Bat out of Hell

Happy chicken day!

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

By apple - 16/07/2010 19:38 - Netherlands

Today, it's my 18th birthday. I was telling my friends a story when my mom started talking. I simply said 'Mom...' so she'd realize she interrupted me. She gave me the finger and called me rude in front of all my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 578

You deserved it 6 246

By starboi - 20/12/2016 19:19 - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 460

You deserved it 1 310

By jennahh - 10/07/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, I had a sexual dream about my ex, and I woke up after saying his name. My boyfriend was awake, and heard all the dirty talk and me moaning my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 084

You deserved it 964

By DogDays - 31/03/2017 14:00

Today, the only member of our family who can get health insurance is our dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 738

You deserved it 405

By knzknz - 07/10/2011 00:40 - Canada

Today, I was asked if my bellybutton was an 'innie' or an 'outtie.' My bellybutton has been hidden by fat for so long that I couldn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 695

You deserved it 41 680

By Anonymous - 10/02/2010 12:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, my dad got a hard-on looking at my best friend. He asked me how my NutriSystem diet was going. He was looking at my friend's boobs when he asked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 956

You deserved it 2 484

By Anonymous - 19/09/2013 18:12 - United States - Tustin

Today, my smartphone addiction reached a new level of pathetic when I checked my weather app to see if it was cloudy outside. There was a window right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 926

You deserved it 41 043

By poop - 21/03/2015 16:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was at my Mandarin teacher's house. I had diarrhoea and had to go to the toilet. My mum texted me while I was still in the toilet saying, "We all heard you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 558

You deserved it 2 713

Thanks guys

By Anonymous - 05/06/2010 10:36 - United States

Today, it was my co-worker's birthday but she told me not to mention it. Feeling bad for her, I went out to buy her a card, a present, and even a small cake. It turns out that there was actually a party during our lunch break, and I was the only one in our office not invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 302

You deserved it 3 572

By embarrassed - 03/07/2010 07:14 - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 290

You deserved it 47 020

Herman Cain Award incoming

By Anonymous - 28/11/2021 17:01

Today, my coworker has Covid symptoms but refuses to get tested. I told her she should get tested but she refused. I told our boss she has symptoms, so then he told her to get tested and now she’s giving me the silent treatment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 187

By Anonymous - 22/05/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, at the pool, I tried to impress the hot lifeguard by doing the perfect dive. Afterward, I realized my shorts were floating through the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 638

You deserved it 12 465

By no - 08/12/2016 14:37 - United States - New York

Today, my cat jumped out a fourth-story window when I went to pet her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 798

You deserved it 951

By Anonymous - 07/12/2014 19:20 - Ireland - Galway

Today, while clearing stuff out of the basement, I found my ex-wife's old electronic diary device from the '90s. I found the charger, powered it up, and had soon read all about out she'd been cheating on me for almost half our marriage with the guy she's now married to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 545

You deserved it 3 661

By Brea - 01/02/2011 18:50 - United States

Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 841

You deserved it 68 493

By missmycomp - 12/11/2009 14:36 - Singapore

Today, I returned home for the first time in a year, and found my entire computer missing. I asked my grandma about this, and she told me that she threw "the TV" away because it "no longer responded to the remote control." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 719

You deserved it 3 126

By Anonymous - 23/02/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, nobody wanted to come to my graduation after finding out that my father was coming too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 829

You deserved it 447

By Anonymous - 30/09/2011 12:52 - Australia

Today, my younger brother brought home his new bagpipes. My older brother plays the drums. I'm currently preparing to sit the most important exams of my schooling life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 444

You deserved it 2 398

By fatto - 30/05/2017 16:00 - Sweden

Today, I got up very early to join my fit, slim, husband for a morning walk, since I work from home, order food to be delivered, and barely leave the couch. Afterwards, he biked off to work, and I went straight back to bed. With some candy. Small steps, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 628

You deserved it 2 609

By g'day cunt - 26/08/2012 18:27 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my dog head-butted me in the mouth so hard that my lip split open. Twenty minutes later, I unthinkingly sprayed perfume directly into the wound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 631

You deserved it 28 799

By spanishgirl101 - 10/02/2010 02:52 - Canada

Today, I fell down the stairs, and my uncle came rushing over because he thought it was his 1 year old son. He saw me lying on the ground and said, "Oh. It's you," and then left to watch the hockey game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 855

You deserved it 3 067

By kitkat545 - 15/06/2009 23:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 911

You deserved it 50 772

By rock'n roller - 03/12/2013 03:42

Today, my bandmate and I decided to propose to our girlfriends, who are also in the band, at the same time in the middle of a concert. His girlfriend said yes. Mine ran off the stage crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 593

You deserved it 6 444

By Bubbah - 15/03/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, I was working my job as the person who checks people in at the gym. A sweaty chubby woman came up to me complaining about how our staff seems so fit. I replied with "we like to hire people who have bodies that motivate our clients!" She gave a blank stare, then said "so how did you get the job?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 801

You deserved it 15 004

By Paige - 10/07/2013 14:18 - United Kingdom - Witham

Today, I found out my boyfriend regularly has his ex stay over. They even share a bed. He doesn't see a problem with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 630

You deserved it 5 708

By guest - 17/09/2015 04:16 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend that said, "I love you." Thinking this meant he'd changed his mind about breaking up with me less than 24 hours before, I replied back excitedly. Turns out that was a text sent last weekend that didn't go through until now. What great timing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 821

You deserved it 1 947

By Anonymous - 01/09/2010 14:41 - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 815

You deserved it 5 136

High school drama

By Anonymous - 30/08/2021 03:31 - India - Delhi

Today, the guy I have been going out with for six months cheated on me with the only girl I hate the most in the world. That girl ruined my previous relationship too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 083

You deserved it 66

By Anonymous - 30/04/2016 01:09 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I gave my boss a report I wrote on my own time, full of suggestions on how to increase productivity and profits at our company. He said my ideas made "about as much sense as pistol-whipping a ghost" and that I was impressing no-one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 962

You deserved it 2 441

By Anonymous - 10/01/2011 19:14 - United States

Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 273

You deserved it 4 339

By WhoDoYouLove6208 - 11/10/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, it was my 19th birthday. My boss let me out early to celebrate. On my way home I was hit by a man doing 65 in a 40mph stretch of road. My car was completely destroyed. I spent the rest of my birthday sitting in the ER being treated for a pinched shoulder nerve and whiplash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 753

You deserved it 2 531

Bankers!

By Grinsporked - 11/10/2019 22:00

Today, after talking to the bank, I'd have to take a pay cut to qualify for a home loan. I'm still confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 129

By High school senior - 31/08/2017 23:15

Today, I spent the first day of my senior year in the ER because my new ear piercing got so infected that the doctors had to cut the earring out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 667

You deserved it 899

By Robyn - 05/01/2016 08:43 - Belgium - Stokkem

Today, the button on my husband's pants popped for the 4th time. I already used the strongest thread and buttons. He's obviously put on some weight around the stomach, but he won't listen to reason and still blames me for my sewing, which is making his pants "turn against him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 083

You deserved it 1 731

By birthdaygirl - 16/04/2014 17:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my birthday. The only people who wished me a happy birthday were the ones who saw the "birthday boy" poster my sister plastered around school, which included a photo of me as a kid dressed up as a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 959

You deserved it 4 190

By Kelly - 12/08/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I heard a girl telling her friend all about her boyfriend, John. They talked about the grocery store that he works at, and that he drives a nice yellow mustang. My boyfriend's name is John, works at that same grocery store, and drives a nice yellow mustang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 239

You deserved it 3 953

By areyouserial - 05/12/2011 13:21 - United States

Today, Santa ran over my foot with a Segway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 181

You deserved it 3 010

By ughhhh - 10/11/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 318

You deserved it 5 746

By noooooo - 22/01/2010 07:32 - Canada

Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 983

You deserved it 8 448

Startled

By not a cheater - 04/07/2021 15:01 - United States

Today, I was writing in a journal as part of my therapy. I jumped and hid it when my boyfriend startled me by coming in. He now swears I must be cheating, that I’m keeping secrets from him and I trust a stranger with my personal thoughts more than I trust him. That’s kinda the point of therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 047

You deserved it 169

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Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I'm curious to know what caused this realization. Did he catch you cleaning it up, run in to stop you, and yell, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's my SEMEN. Show a little respect!"

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Monday 30 November 2015 11:52

Thanks for the gag, OP.

Comments

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Monday 30 November 2015 11:52

Thanks for the gag, OP.

helptheorphans 17

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Tuesday 1 December 2015 2:33

I literally was about to eat then I read this fml.....

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Monday 30 November 2015 11:55

Why is he jacking off in the sink? That's pretty disgusting...

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Monday 30 November 2015 23:52

He's probably washing it off of his hands. Not everyone uses a tissue.

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Tuesday 1 December 2015 3:43

Don't see why your comment is down voted. It's true as far as I know.

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Monday 30 November 2015 11:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 30 November 2015 21:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 30 November 2015 22:45

She's talking about the brother

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Monday 30 November 2015 23:31

Yes, 64...but I'm pointing out that OP hasn't exactly been a hygiene king himself.

IceCreamMage 17

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Wednesday 2 December 2015 22:24

You're right #68, it's not like OP can wash his hands immediately after doing so. He's not at a sink or anything where soap is usually kept. How disgusting can OP get? /endsarcasm

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Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I want to know how you found that out?? Or maybe not...

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Monday 30 November 2015 12:10

well semen has a .. spacial ... odor. ..

lexred 30

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Monday 30 November 2015 12:31

SPACIAL ODOR. That must be the lost Egyptian script.

GeorgeCarter95 16

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Monday 30 November 2015 15:21

I'm pretty sure that's a picture from skyrim not Egyptian

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Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I'm curious to know what caused this realization. Did he catch you cleaning it up, run in to stop you, and yell, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's my SEMEN. Show a little respect!"

pjsr 32

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Monday 30 November 2015 15:51

Lol #5 ...or maybe he walked in to see his brother squeezing the last drops out of his 'tube'? So many possibilities.

derangedplanet 23

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Monday 30 November 2015 16:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 30 November 2015 12:00

Is your toothpaste really toothpaste though?

lat187 18

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Monday 30 November 2015 12:06

Eff everyone's lives... You're brother is extremely disturbed

lat187 18

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Monday 30 November 2015 12:09

I actually read this as your brother was filling a tube of toothpaste with his own semen. Still gross....

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Monday 30 November 2015 14:06

Way to make me cringe even harder from when I first read the FML ;___;

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Monday 30 November 2015 14:16

Great, now I don't feel good at all. Thanks. :(

cole66 13

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Monday 30 November 2015 18:27

I'm glad the first way you read it was wrong..

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Wednesday 2 December 2015 12:49

You guys. I won't ever be able to look at toothpaste the same way again.

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Monday 30 November 2015 12:07

Oh my...words escape me but gagging sure doesn't

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Monday 30 November 2015 12:12

Your brother be like, don't touch my dead babies....

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Monday 30 November 2015 12:14

EW

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 4

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 87

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 158