Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning... - FML

By cole66 - 29/11/2015 18:43 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML

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KoBabe

Tense

Buzzing the tower

By BurntBroken - 9/1/2017 13:16

Today, when I realized I'd forgot rice on the stove, I jumped off my chair and pulled off my headphones really fast. Now I've got burnt rice and broken headphones. FML

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By ronz - 8/2/2012 13:26

Today, I sneaked off work early. As I was in the elevator on the way down to leave, it stopped at my boss's floor, and he got in. FML

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By wetqueefa - 3/2/2013 09:58 - United States - Union City

Today, I walked in on my mom drenched in tears, barely able to speak. I ran to get her some tissues and a nice cup of tea to calm her down. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened. She watched an episode of Gossip Girl. FML

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By Uncircumcised Penis - 24/7/2012 09:51 - Canada - Richmond

Today, I was in line at the pharmacy when the man in front of me asked if I wanted to see a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. Before I had time to answer, he showed me a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 02:00 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, I called my parents from out of state to see if they would order me a pizza using their credit card online because I'm out of money. I haven't lived with them for the past year, and they still claim me as a dependent on their taxes. They said no. FML

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By Hobbsie - 29/8/2010 04:54 - Canada

Today, my dad walked in on me singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2015 20:52 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after telling my audience of preschoolers and parents that I'd been performing magic since I was a kid in 1995, a 4-year-old got more laughter and applause than I did in my entire act by gasping, "1995? You should be dead by now!" FML

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By anonymous - 14/3/2010 05:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Since he doesn't know my ring size he asked for me to find a ring that I liked and he would buy it and propose. The only problem is that he won't spend more than 200 dollars on it. Oh the generosity. FML

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By whorecrux - 2/7/2013 03:37 - United States - Newark

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2018 18:30

Today, I finally had sex with my live-in boyfriend after a long dry spell. It was passionate and great, until I hurt my back changing positions. Now he refuses to touch me, going as far as sleeping on the couch to give me "enough space". Hello new dry spell. FML

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By Immafail - 20/12/2016 18:32

Today, my mother decided to "help me" by throwing out the stack of papers on my desk. Unfortunately, those were all my notes for my final exams. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2010 00:46 - Canada

Today, I woke up at 2:30 AM. Thinking I was going to be late for my 3:30 AM flight, I rushed into the bathroom to shower. As I came out of the shower, I slipped and broke my arm. I then realized my flight is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2011 03:29 - United States

Today, while working in a jail, I had to tell an inmate arrested for domestic violence that no, he could not use his phone call to call me at home. FML

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By condiments - 22/2/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mother, when someone snuck a pack of condoms into our cart while our backs were turned. When we got to the register, my mom, whose wealth makes me ineligible for financial aid, noticed the condoms and she announced that she wasn't paying for the college I got accepted to next year because she doesn't want a promiscuous daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2012 14:17 - Canada

Today, there was a big snow storm and I wanted to help shovel, so I put on 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, 2 winter coats, 2 pairs of gloves, a hat and a scarf. Once outside, I was told to go back inside because the job was done. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 09:45 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By Can2 - 8/1/2014 19:03 - United States - Houston

Today, I called my auto insurance company to try to get some discounts and lower my rate. I ended up adding $30 to my monthly payment. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML

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By Bun - 11/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Baltimore

Pants on fire

Today, I found out that while I was attending AA meetings to help understand how to help my boyfriend of 7 years when he got back from rehab, that he was not in rehab at all. He was on vacation. With his wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2014 09:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had dinner for the first time with my boyfriend's parents. It was awkward enough without his mom asking, "So, what do you do for fun, besides my son?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2016 10:33 - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend furiously bitched me out because I got more upset about my phone screen cracking than when she told me about the death of her cat. We hadn't even met when her cat died. Did she expect me to burst into tears from hearing the story? Guess who's single again! FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 22:02

Right Said Fred

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing the "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" song before we had sex. Now, every time we have sex, that song is going to be in my head. FML

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By jesspie - 11/1/2013 02:41 - United Kingdom

Today, the abandoned cat that I took in for the night and during bad weather seems to have spread fleas around my house. They're everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, seeing Ozzy Osbourne live for the first time, I was trying to get the perfect photo of the entire band on stage. That is, until a sudden burst of pyrotechnics startled me, and I gave myself a black eye from the camera hitting me in the face. FML

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By chunkymonkey - 23/11/2011 23:54

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

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By Fmylife.25 - 3/9/2010 19:56 - United States

Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 22:00

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

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By hazeblaze - 6/10/2017 23:15

Today, I noticed that my dad's Whatsapp profile picture was a very close up shot of his new wife's boob. None of us know how long he had this online. FML

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By enriquegay - 28/3/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dropped me off for a class and I accidentally closed my exceptionally baggy pants in the passenger door. She didn't notice and started to drive away. I spent the next fifteen seconds being dragged across rough pavement with my pants around my ankles. FML

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By fml9124 - 21/12/2019 05:00

New urinal

Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink like a urinal. FML

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By sarahpft - 13/9/2009 16:44 - United States

Today, my parents told me they wouldn't be able to afford my senior portraits. That was fine with me, until I found some expensive professional photos in the mail. Of our dog. FML

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By Fsd - 5/11/2008 07:35 - France

Today, I'm on holiday, but my alarm clock isn't. It rang at 6 o'clock. FML

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By jack - 8/10/2012 18:36 - United States - Mcnabb

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months got mad at me because I thought she was attractive. She has an identical twin, and she says if I think she's attractive, I must want her twin too. FML

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By clips - 16/2/2011 21:08 - United States

Today, I was on the bus. I heard a click right before something small hit my cheek. I looked over to see the lady next to me cutting her long, dirty fingernails. The bus was too crowded to move and It was a 20 minute ride to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML

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By AlexaSt2611 - 25/8/2010 00:08 - Paraguay

Today, I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the gardener walking past my bathroom window, yelling "Good morning" and waving in my direction. My left boob politely waved back at him. FML

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By lsta - 4/5/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I donated blood for the first time, and all the nurses kept complimenting on how good my veins were. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in the past 2 months. FML

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By EnderHorse - 5/11/2015 20:52 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth worked on. I got tongue-tied and instead of asking if they could anesthetize me, I accidentally asked if they could euthanize me. FML

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By joshua - 25/1/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, I got a call from my younger brother's school to pick him up immediately. He had a test today and had the brilliant idea that by telling everyone he had head lice, he could go home. I had to leave work to pick him up, and now I have to take him to a doctor so they can verify he can go back. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6474069 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I'm curious to know what caused this realization. Did he catch you cleaning it up, run in to stop you, and yell, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's my SEMEN. Show a little respect!"

By SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6474055 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:52

Thanks for the gag, OP.

COMMENTS

By SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6474055 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:52

Thanks for the gag, OP.

Reply

helptheorphans | 17

#6474664 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 2:33

I literally was about to eat then I read this fml.....

By halcyon93 | 16

#6474061 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:55

Why is he jacking off in the sink? That's pretty disgusting...

Reply

18drakerad | 18

#6474585 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:52

He's probably washing it off of his hands. Not everyone uses a tissue.

Reply

klawzor | 17

#6474677 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 3:43

Don't see why your comment is down voted. It's true as far as I know.

By gosh_mate | 30

#6474064 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#6474492 - Monday 30 November 2015 21:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ImZakki | 15

#6474516 - Monday 30 November 2015 22:45

She's talking about the brother

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#6474571 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:31

Yes, 64...but I'm pointing out that OP hasn't exactly been a hygiene king himself.

Reply

IceCreamMage | 17

#6475920 - Wednesday 2 December 2015 22:24

You're right #68, it's not like OP can wash his hands immediately after doing so. He's not at a sink or anything where soap is usually kept. How disgusting can OP get?
/endsarcasm

By Jowisee | 29

#6474066 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I want to know how you found that out?? Or maybe not...

Reply

MaiqTheLiar | 11

#6474080 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:10

well semen has a .. spacial ... odor. ..

Reply

lexred | 30

#6474092 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:31

SPACIAL ODOR.
That must be the lost Egyptian script.

Reply

GeorgeCarter95 | 16

#6474185 - Monday 30 November 2015 15:21

I'm pretty sure that's a picture from skyrim not Egyptian

By Tripartita | 44

#6474069 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I'm curious to know what caused this realization. Did he catch you cleaning it up, run in to stop you, and yell, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's my SEMEN. Show a little respect!"

Reply

pjsr | 32

#6474196 - Monday 30 November 2015 15:51

Lol #5 ...or maybe he walked in to see his brother squeezing the last drops out of his 'tube'? So many possibilities.

Reply

derangedplanet | 23

#6474230 - Monday 30 November 2015 16:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By skobisco | 23

#6474070 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:00

Is your toothpaste really toothpaste though?

By lat187 | 18

#6474074 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:06

Eff everyone's lives... You're brother is extremely disturbed

Reply

lat187 | 18

#6474079 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:09

I actually read this as your brother was filling a tube of toothpaste with his own semen. Still gross....

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6474141 - Monday 30 November 2015 14:06

Way to make me cringe even harder from when I first read the FML ;___;

Reply

Mathalamus | 24

#6474145 - Monday 30 November 2015 14:16

Great, now I don't feel good at all. Thanks. :(

Reply

cole66 | 13

#6474297 - Monday 30 November 2015 18:27

I'm glad the first way you read it was wrong..

Reply

sstahpp | 33

#6475722 - Wednesday 2 December 2015 12:49

You guys. I won't ever be able to look at toothpaste the same way again.

By mads_nicole | 19

#6474075 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:07

Oh my...words escape me but gagging sure doesn't

By Scorpio01 | 16

#6474081 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:12

Your brother be like, don't touch my dead babies....

By Xion0014 | 20

#6474083 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:14

EW