Intimacy: Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning... - FML

By cole66 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML

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Understandable

Triage

Walk on the wild side

By wtf bro - Australia - Canberra

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

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Handjob

Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to have my tires replaced. While I was paying, the cashier asked if I would like a warranty for the tires. I said, "Nah, only idiots who can't drive need that." While pulling out of the parking lot, I took the turn too wide and popped my tire on the median. FML

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By gotadirtydick

Today, my neighbor's kid started learning the violin. FML

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By disturbed - Ireland

Today, I was hit in the face by the placenta of a cow that had just given birth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML

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By J Rush - United Kingdom - Welshpool

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML

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By clueless - United States - Irvine

Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say "nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. Took me three months to figure that out. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

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By ... - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found my 6 year old daughter upstairs lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving "the carpet a haircut." FML

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By Sedici - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

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By Pissed - Australia

Today, in an incredibly busy shopping center bathroom with my 5 year-old niece, I was squatting over the toilet seat to avoid germs. My niece then says at the top of her voice, "Auntie, why are you sitting like a kangaroo?" I'd say the whole room pissed their pants laughing. FML

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By pizzaface - United States

Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my trusty old car decided that it no longer needed its back passenger window-pane, and that in fact the window would look a lot better smashed to pieces by the roadside. FML

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By hale_551

Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML

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By OutoftheLoop - China

Today, I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in an exotic jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, "Is this some photoshop job?" She responded, "No, we went to Thailand for a family trip, didn't we tell you?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Home Depot because the lamp I'd bought there a few days ago was missing a part, and I wanted to get one that was complete. They wouldn't change it because it wasn't complete, and the policy said they wouldn't change anything that wasn't complete. FML

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By Unhelpful - United States

Today, I was called an 'unhelpful little bitch' by a customer, after I informed her that we couldn't order a pair of shoes she wanted from the company in her size because it's a discontinued model. This little tirade continued for another few minutes, with her insulting me and my intelligence. FML

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By WTF - United States

Today, I walked in on my parents doing it. Luckily they didn't see me so I slipped out. I looked outside, trying to take my mind of the horrors I had just witnessed, only to realize my dad's car wasn't in the driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. Halfway through he asked me what day it was. I told him, "Friday." He jumped up and ran over to the TV yelling, "Oh my God! Shark week is almost over!!" I was cock-blocked by the Discovery Channel. FML

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By im_not_me - Australia

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on Facebook. She's in the forces, and it was her birthday. I asked her if she liked the flowers I sent her. She thanked me, then asked if she could remove our relationship status. When I asked why, she said, "It's not like we're really going out anymore." FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months found out she was 4 months pregnant with her ex's baby. She told me I could leave her and she wouldn't blame me, but I decided to stay with her. She told me she loved me and then dumped me because she needed to be with her baby's daddy. FML

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By apparentlytoougly - United States - Garden Grove

Today, a customer came up to me and asked if I knew where the make-up aisle was. I pointed him in the right direction but he just gasped and said, "Oh so you DO know where it is!" and walked away, roaring with laughter. FML

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By Mariah Barnes - 24/7/2020 08:01

The bird

Today, I saved a baby bird from the site I work on. It was the runt and did not have any feathers and was neglected by the mother. I took care of it all day at work and planned on taking it to a wildlife reserve after work. Two minutes away from the reserve, we hit a pothole and I dropped it. It died. FML

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By marryinghimanyway - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced my engagement. My mother's response was to freak out and demand that I postpone my wedding indefinitely. Why? My younger sister caught the bouquet at a wedding last year, so "she has to get married first!" My sister has been single for 3 years and showers once a week. FML

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By PeeLeg

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

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By NotAnInLawFamilyMan - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother-in-maw informed us that she sold her house and is moving in with us so we'll "take care" of her in old age. She's in perfect health. We've only been married for 4 months. My wife can't stand her for more than 2 weeks at a time, let alone living with us. FML

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By embarassed_chick - United States

Today, I got my first period. My dad bought me a card and had everyone in my family sign it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML

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By Toby's.Mom. - United States - Houston

Your kid is a boffin

Today, I heard my son use the word "exacerbated". I had to look it up to see if he had correctly used it, which he had, because I couldn't remember what it meant. I'll be 23 next week. He's not even 4. FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, I saw a small child take a really bad fall off his scooter, so I got rid of my cigarette and ran to help him. I asked him if he was alright, or if I could walk him to his house. He replied "I'm okay, but your dress is on fire." It was. FML

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By Amazon Ruined My Life

Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML

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By Sissyleemae

Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML

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By Shivvy - United Kingdom

Today, I came downstairs disappointed thinking that my parents had forgotten my birthday. Turns out they didn't forget, they just couldn't be bothered to do anything for it. FML

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By backtosquareone - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after months of searching, I was offered a job. After hearing how excited I was on the phone, HR docked the initial salary offer by 40% in the written contract. She said it was non-negotiable. Guess I'm back to job hunting. FML

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By sam - 2/12/2020 23:01

Connecting people

Today, I learned that the person my ex-girlfriend left me for is my ex-girlfriend from before her. FML

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By farhia97 - United States

Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML

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By sadex

Today, I got the earlier bus to avoid my ex after a painful breakup. He had the same idea. FML

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By claubea11 - Puerto Rico - Ponce

Today, I decided to light a lantern and watch it fly with my girlfriend after midnight. The neighbor's tree caught fire. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6474069 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I'm curious to know what caused this realization. Did he catch you cleaning it up, run in to stop you, and yell, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's my SEMEN. Show a little respect!"

By SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6474055 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:52

Thanks for the gag, OP.

COMMENTS

By SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6474055 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:52

Thanks for the gag, OP.

Reply

helptheorphans | 17

#6474664 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 2:33

I literally was about to eat then I read this fml.....

By halcyon93 | 16

#6474061 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:55

Why is he jacking off in the sink? That's pretty disgusting...

Reply

18drakerad | 18

#6474585 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:52

He's probably washing it off of his hands. Not everyone uses a tissue.

Reply

klawzor | 17

#6474677 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 3:43

Don't see why your comment is down voted. It's true as far as I know.

By gosh_mate | 30

#6474064 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#6474492 - Monday 30 November 2015 21:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

ImZakki | 15

#6474516 - Monday 30 November 2015 22:45

She's talking about the brother

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#6474571 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:31

Yes, 64...but I'm pointing out that OP hasn't exactly been a hygiene king himself.

Reply

IceCreamMage | 17

#6475920 - Wednesday 2 December 2015 22:24

You're right #68, it's not like OP can wash his hands immediately after doing so. He's not at a sink or anything where soap is usually kept. How disgusting can OP get?
/endsarcasm

By Jowisee | 29

#6474066 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I want to know how you found that out?? Or maybe not...

Reply

MaiqTheLiar | 11

#6474080 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:10

well semen has a .. spacial ... odor. ..

Reply

lexred | 30

#6474092 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:31

SPACIAL ODOR.
That must be the lost Egyptian script.

Reply

GeorgeCarter95 | 16

#6474185 - Monday 30 November 2015 15:21

I'm pretty sure that's a picture from skyrim not Egyptian

By Tripartita | 44

#6474069 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I'm curious to know what caused this realization. Did he catch you cleaning it up, run in to stop you, and yell, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's my SEMEN. Show a little respect!"

Reply

pjsr | 32

#6474196 - Monday 30 November 2015 15:51

Lol #5 ...or maybe he walked in to see his brother squeezing the last drops out of his 'tube'? So many possibilities.

Reply

derangedplanet | 23

#6474230 - Monday 30 November 2015 16:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By skobisco | 23

#6474070 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:00

Is your toothpaste really toothpaste though?

By lat187 | 18

#6474074 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:06

Eff everyone's lives... You're brother is extremely disturbed

Reply

lat187 | 18

#6474079 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:09

I actually read this as your brother was filling a tube of toothpaste with his own semen. Still gross....

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6474141 - Monday 30 November 2015 14:06

Way to make me cringe even harder from when I first read the FML ;___;

Reply

Mathalamus | 24

#6474145 - Monday 30 November 2015 14:16

Great, now I don't feel good at all. Thanks. :(

Reply

cole66 | 13

#6474297 - Monday 30 November 2015 18:27

I'm glad the first way you read it was wrong..

Reply

sstahpp | 33

#6475722 - Wednesday 2 December 2015 12:49

You guys. I won't ever be able to look at toothpaste the same way again.

By mads_nicole | 19

#6474075 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:07

Oh my...words escape me but gagging sure doesn't

By Scorpio01 | 16

#6474081 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:12

Your brother be like, don't touch my dead babies....

By Xion0014 | 20

#6474083 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:14

EW