Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning... - FML

By cole66 - 29/11/2015 18:43 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML

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Boozehound

White line fever

The student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 19/9/2014 16:06 - Belgium - Poperinge

Today, my boyfriend broke things off, because he says I have a "horrible, horrible personality" and that I'm only really fuck-buddy material, which is a problem because he wants something long-term. We've been dating for three years. FML

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By toobroketoprotest - 16/8/2019 20:00

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

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By bitchsawmebuyit - 8/12/2012 17:12 - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, I realized the dress I bought yesterday still had the security tag on. I returned to the store to get it removed, only to realize my receipt was misplaced. The lady at the counter thought I stole it, called security, and had me escorted out, dress-less. FML

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By ........................... - 25/7/2013 16:17 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I helped my buddy write a sweet love letter to his girlfriend. After reading it, she dumped him for being an "Edward Cullen wannabe", and when my girlfriend found out, she dumped me for "cheating" on her by writing the letter in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 12:18

Today, I found out that someone left an open sharpie pen in the dryer. It left pen marks on everything inside of the dryer. Not just one or two pen marks, but nearly 1,000 on each article of clothing. FML

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By CASH_NoMOMEY - 7/5/2015 05:12 - United States - Windsor

Today, my main source of income is finding money on the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2014 17:49 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

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By dre_bro11 - 6/11/2011 12:17 - Australia

Today, I found the same spider which I had let live yesterday hidden in my bath towel. I didn't find it until it was smeared on my face. FML

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By stillembarrassed - 6/8/2013 17:01 - United Kingdom

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

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By anonymous - 24/4/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I started my period. I am getting married tomorrow. So, not only am I going to be on my period for my wedding night and honeymoon, my best friend has to help me change my pad because my dress is so big. FML

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By thefuck - 30/6/2013 22:08 - Ireland - Ballyjamesduff

Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML

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By UghDude - 6/9/2014 13:35 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

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By wheatsnake - 8/10/2009 13:31 - Australia

Today, I took my new laptop into my house from my car, thinking it would be a too much of a target for kids grabbing it. I came home tonight to find my door kicked in, my laptop gone and my TV ripped from the wall. FML

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By tsunami - 10/9/2018 03:30

Time to move out!

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

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By weirdedout - 24/5/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2014 20:35 - United States - New Iberia

Today, I puked up an anti-nausea pill. FML

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By dab1230 - 7/2/2013 00:26 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I asked my mother if I could have my boyfriend sleep over for Valentine's day weekend. Her response? "If you're on your period he can. Unless he's into that. Then no." FML

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By too slow - 18/1/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML

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By Cyrah - 16/7/2019 18:15 - United States

Today, I got rejected from participating in a depression study that provides free medication, for not already being on antidepressants. That's because I can't afford health insurance or medication, which is why I applied to the study. FML

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By craZycatLady - 20/4/2015 18:06 - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2012 02:32 - United States

Today, my daughter called me to pick her up at the mall. She said I had to meet her inside a specific store, so I figured she wanted me to pay for something. Turns out I was right, she was being arrested for shoplifting. FML

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By ubbernoob - 5/3/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table and looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke and said "What's wrong? Grandma finally die?" Turns out she had. FML

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By zippersaremoreimportantthansentiments - 1/2/2014 08:11 - United States - Montgomery

Today, for our anniversary, I sang my boyfriend a heartfelt, self-written song. The first thing he said when I finished was "Your fly is open." FML

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By For - 28/12/2010 14:00 - United States

Today, I asked my husband if he thought I was pretty. He replied "compared to what?" He was serious. FML

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By Elissa Roth Gooden - 6/4/2020 14:00

He will

Today, I actually got to meet actor George Takei. He was really sweet and charming, and I was just thrilled. When we parted, I wanted to say either, "I'll always remember this" or "I'll never forget this." It came out as, "I'll never remember this." FML

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By markyvilla - 15/4/2011 01:09 - United States

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

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By nudie - 19/7/2009 20:14 - United States

Today, I checked an old photosharing account. I got a new phone last year and didn't realize all the pictures I took with the new phone would still automatically upload to my account. Unknowingly, I posted naked pics of myself online. Not one of my friends told me. FML

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By tired of my job - 29/10/2015 08:33 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I was at work, stocking shelves. A customer got mad because I was in the way of her "shopping time" and knocked down all the work I had done. FML

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By pop_rox - 30/1/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said "man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says "I'm a member of that church". OOPS. Silence. FML

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By BYUwildchild - 17/12/2010 16:23 - United States

Today, I realized that the fish-shaped birth mark on the back of my leg, that I have had all my life, is not really shaped like a fish as I had originally thought. It looks just like a penis. FML

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By nina - 11/8/2010 16:04 - Luxembourg

Today, I was talking to a friend about this stranger I kissed a few nights ago while drinking. I commented that I was ashamed of doing so, and to make matters worse, the guy was really unattractive. It turns out he was no stranger. I'd kissed my friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 20:00 - Spain - Ripollet

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to make love for the first time. The moment my bra came off, he started hyperventilating to the point of blacking out. So much for that. FML

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By steven - 24/6/2009 15:33 - Canada

Today, my friend said he'd give me 20 bucks if I would ask out the ugliest girl in school. I did it. She rejected me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2012 17:01 - United States - South Gate

Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2019 14:00

Today, I went home for lunch. Upon opening the door, I smelled something horrid. My dog had opened his cage, eaten all the dog treats, and had diarrhea all over my bed and bedroom floor. FML

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By Ineverknew - 19/3/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying how I hated my job, I felt trapped, and that I was wasting my time working there. A few minutes later, she answered, "That's how I feel about our relationship." FML

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By Distraught - 1/3/2011 21:08 - Reserved

Today, the day before I was going to move in with my army fiancé, he was told he would be deployed very soon. I can't pay for the apartment without him, and now have to move back in with my parents until he returns from active duty. FML

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By -__-" - 29/9/2013 05:45 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a stranger pulled me out of the path of a speeding taxicab. He then took one look at my face, said, "I should've left you there", and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2014 17:59 - United States - Imperial

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6474069 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I'm curious to know what caused this realization. Did he catch you cleaning it up, run in to stop you, and yell, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's my SEMEN. Show a little respect!"

By SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6474055 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:52

Thanks for the gag, OP.

Comments

By SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6474055 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:52

Thanks for the gag, OP.

Reply

helptheorphans | 17

#6474664 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 2:33

I literally was about to eat then I read this fml.....

By halcyon93 | 16

#6474061 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:55

Why is he jacking off in the sink? That's pretty disgusting...

Reply

18drakerad | 18

#6474585 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:52

He's probably washing it off of his hands. Not everyone uses a tissue.

Reply

klawzor | 17

#6474677 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 3:43

Don't see why your comment is down voted. It's true as far as I know.

By gosh_mate | 30

#6474064 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#6474492 - Monday 30 November 2015 21:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ImZakki | 15

#6474516 - Monday 30 November 2015 22:45

She's talking about the brother

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#6474571 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:31

Yes, 64...but I'm pointing out that OP hasn't exactly been a hygiene king himself.

Reply

IceCreamMage | 17

#6475920 - Wednesday 2 December 2015 22:24

You're right #68, it's not like OP can wash his hands immediately after doing so. He's not at a sink or anything where soap is usually kept. How disgusting can OP get?
/endsarcasm

By Jowisee | 29

#6474066 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I want to know how you found that out?? Or maybe not...

Reply

MaiqTheLiar | 11

#6474080 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:10

well semen has a .. spacial ... odor. ..

Reply

lexred | 30

#6474092 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:31

SPACIAL ODOR.
That must be the lost Egyptian script.

Reply

GeorgeCarter95 | 16

#6474185 - Monday 30 November 2015 15:21

I'm pretty sure that's a picture from skyrim not Egyptian

By Tripartita | 44

#6474069 - Monday 30 November 2015 11:59

I'm curious to know what caused this realization. Did he catch you cleaning it up, run in to stop you, and yell, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's my SEMEN. Show a little respect!"

Reply

pjsr | 32

#6474196 - Monday 30 November 2015 15:51

Lol #5 ...or maybe he walked in to see his brother squeezing the last drops out of his 'tube'? So many possibilities.

Reply

derangedplanet | 23

#6474230 - Monday 30 November 2015 16:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By skobisco | 23

#6474070 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:00

Is your toothpaste really toothpaste though?

By lat187 | 18

#6474074 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:06

Eff everyone's lives... You're brother is extremely disturbed

Reply

lat187 | 18

#6474079 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:09

I actually read this as your brother was filling a tube of toothpaste with his own semen. Still gross....

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6474141 - Monday 30 November 2015 14:06

Way to make me cringe even harder from when I first read the FML ;___;

Reply

Mathalamus | 24

#6474145 - Monday 30 November 2015 14:16

Great, now I don't feel good at all. Thanks. :(

Reply

cole66 | 13

#6474297 - Monday 30 November 2015 18:27

I'm glad the first way you read it was wrong..

Reply

sstahpp | 33

#6475722 - Wednesday 2 December 2015 12:49

You guys. I won't ever be able to look at toothpaste the same way again.

By mads_nicole | 19

#6474075 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:07

Oh my...words escape me but gagging sure doesn't

By Scorpio01 | 16

#6474081 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:12

Your brother be like, don't touch my dead babies....

By Xion0014 | 20

#6474083 - Monday 30 November 2015 12:14

EW