Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom... - FML

By thanksbro - 28/9/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom to go #2. In my hurry, I forgot to shut the door so I asked my older brother who was walking by to close it for me. After a while he didn't respond, so I looked up to see not my brother, but his best friend watching me take a crap. FML

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Boozehound alert

The end of the road

TMI

By greatly disturbed - 7/3/2015 19:09 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML

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By kallens - 15/1/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2013 17:35 - United States - Winter Springs

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

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By what did I do? - 15/10/2015 19:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She slapped me in the face, stormed out and won't answer my calls. What the hell? FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 03:02 - Mexico - Mexico

Backwards world

Today, my life is so messed up that when I got pulled over, the officer asked about my life and not only did I not receive a ticket, he made me write down his personal number, patrol number and to call if I ever needed a favor or to talk, telling me that I had a friend in him. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2017 00:30

Today, after 26 years of confusion with my parents pronouncing it different ways, and in my mom's case, multiple ways, having to clear up how it's spelled every time I meet someone, I asked my mom how to pronounce my name. She got mad and then pronounced it three different ways while explaining. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

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By Tom - 10/3/2011 11:09

Today, after setting up surveillance in my front yard to see whose dog keeps crapping on my lawn, I finally caught the culprit on film. It was my heroin addict neighbour. FML

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By Raw - 25/1/2017 14:00

Today, I shoveled snow at work. I had to because my co-workers refused to "get sick." I told my co-workers if anyone needs me, just tell them I'm shoveling snow. Our boss asked for me and they said that I left without punching. This also happened when I went out to water the flowers in the summer. FML

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By Brinty - 31/10/2009 05:20 - Australia

Today, I found out that whenever a mistake is made at my work, my boss assumes that it was me, unless indicated otherwise, but he has never said anything to me about it because of my 'learning disorder'. I don't have a learning disorder. FML

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By PiMan - 19/1/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, after spending four days having my resume, cover letter, and references proofread and perfected by professionals, I finally submitted it all to the summer internship of my dreams. I received a rejection letter ten minutes later. FML

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By hipthrustdude - 18/5/2009 12:04 - Malaysia

Today, I got really excited at work over a deal I was about to close. I got up and started performing a rather obscene hip thrust only to notice a client sitting in the glass meeting room. FML

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By ShamefulShoop - 31/5/2018 19:00

cringe intensifies

Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML

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By ahhnotoy - 27/4/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, I bought a box of Fruit Loops. When I got home, I noticed a free prize would be in the box. I sifted through the box, looking for the small toy. It wasn't in there. I don't know what is more sad, the fact that I got ripped off by a children's cereal or that I'm 21 and upset by it. FML

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By Secretisout - 22/12/2009 03:28 - United States

Today, I found out where all my expensive bras and panties have been disappearing to. Apparently, while I'm at work, my fifteen year-old son's girlfriend has been stealing them after they have sex in my bed. FML

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By sadpoorlady - 22/6/2013 09:22 - United Kingdom - Appley Bridge

Today, my boyfriend used the "this isn't working, we need to talk" line on me. How nice of him to wait this long to do so, just days after we returned from the expensive Caribbean holiday that I paid for. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 13:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that when I thought the bullying had finally stopped, the bullies had actually been sponsored to be nice for charity. FML

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By Raw95 - 15/3/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was eating at Steak N' Shake. I noticed that the cute waitress was checking me out. When I was done with my meal she wrote her number on the ticket. So, as I was walking out the door, I turned around to wave at her, and walked into a metal bar next to the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 13:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. FML

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By lexibabe - 3/3/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

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By the forgotten one - 30/1/2012 03:01 - United States

Today, my grandfather sent everyone in my family an email thanking them for the photo we got him. I'd bought the frame, edited the picture, and delivered it to him. All everyone else did was show up and complain while the picture was being taken. I'm the only one who didn't get a thank you email. FML

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By Lespoon - 25/2/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, my mom drove my family to the desert for a themed family photo. We had to wear big frumpy old western-looking clothes in 115 degree weather. Hot and agitated, I muttered, "This is the ugliest thing I've ever had to wear." My mom, looking hurt, replied, "That's my wedding dress." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 00:46 - United States - Beaumont

Feelings

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

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By bananayellowteeth - 3/5/2009 08:37 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what seemed like hours, he gave me a long speech about how if I continue to smoke, the yellowing of my teeth won't be the only problem. I don't smoke. I never have. FML

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By hmacy - 1/10/2017 01:30

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message while we were having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2020 02:02 - Singapore - Singapore

Ripped off

Today, I rented a house for 5 years with my girlfriend, only to find out she is the actual owner. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, my chemistry professor made us all leave our classroom mid-lab because the class was complaining of the smell, and he was worried that there was a gas leak from one of the Bunsen burners. There wasn't, but it's nice to know my "silent but deadly" smelled like it might actually kill. FML

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By chocochoco - 24/3/2014 03:40 - United States - Auburn

Today, my drunken self became a vaguely racist poet. I am now the author of a four-page poem entitled "Chocolate Men". FML

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By mm - 12/11/2012 17:27 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I was sharing popcorn with one of them. Halfway through the movie, my friend asked me why I wasn't eating our popcorn. I then realised I'd been taking popcorn from the man sitting next to me. FML

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By Lovernotafighter - 24/2/2012 11:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my granddad had to start sleeping in my bedroom. He has flashback dreams to when he was a boxer, and he's already lamped my granny three times in his sleep. I get a camp-bed, and the chance to listen to him snore like a wild boar. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2012 00:46 - United States - Oregon

Today, at football practice, the biggest lineman shouldered me so hard in the groin that my protective cup pushed back with enough force to crack the bone. FML

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By Rai - 24/3/2009 16:11 - Canada

Today, I got up extra early to curl my hair because I wanted to look nice at school for a change. After coming downstairs my mom yells at me and says, "See, when you don't wake up on time your hair looks like that. You could have atleast combed it!" FML

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By theynamedmeluke - 23/9/2013 22:49 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

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By dead rats - 8/8/2016 13:58

Today, I had a terrible stomach ache and had some pretty bad gas at work. I tried to head down to the basement for a while to allow my coworkers to continue in peace. About an hour after I came back up, my boss called pest control due to the horrible smell that "must be dead rats". FML

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By yellow_sunflowers101 - 16/4/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew. He continually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML

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By Shinobi_3 - 26/2/2010 17:43 - United States

Today, while I was eating, a fly kept pissing me off. After three minutes of it buzzing around, I caught it and killed it. Then, without realizing it, I smeared its guts all over the front of my shirt. FML

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By CalyenaL - 13/5/2012 01:35 - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, I'm found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I spoke at length about how we were going to handle things, which included him "forbidding" me from having an epidural, because he doesn't want our baby to "come out addicted to drugs." FML

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By Noname - 4/2/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, a guy in the library came up to me and said, "You look very unproductive. It makes me depressed just watching you". FML

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By RuasaLove - 30/7/2015 02:34 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

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By Byron fiddles - 24/2/2009 11:57 - Hungary

Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML

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Top comments

By TheTruth1428 | 0

#591265 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

YDI. Shut the door if you expect privacy. Yes, it's creepy that his friend was watching, but you could have easily prevented it by just shutting the door. I'm sure you wouldn't have crapped yourself in the 2 seconds it takes to shut it.

By hellohello9 | 0

#591267 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

where were you looking before you looked up at him?

COMMENTS

By TheTruth1428 | 0

#591265 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

YDI. Shut the door if you expect privacy. Yes, it's creepy that his friend was watching, but you could have easily prevented it by just shutting the door. I'm sure you wouldn't have crapped yourself in the 2 seconds it takes to shut it.

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#591297 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:29

Pffft, no kidding! It's not that god damned hard. Even when I was going to crap myself or seemingly projectile vomit, I remembered to shut the door.

Reply

the_stereotype | 0

#591584 - Monday 28 September 2009 14:52

idk...i think i'd rather have someone watch me crap than close the door and then end up crapping in my pants and then have to clean it out later as well.

Reply

JustinBieberIsOK | 0

#980892 - Saturday 17 April 2010 11:50

(her) not a guy! lolz

Reply

Clare420 | 0

#1018344 - Friday 4 June 2010 1:36

I disagree. your brothers friend is a perv he should have just shut the door. FYL

Reply

BlanketHogger | 0

#3794211 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 15:17

OP is a girl

Reply

solid2dew | 6

#4012932 - Thursday 9 February 2012 15:26

His meaning her brothers friend.

By hellohello9 | 0

#591267 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

where were you looking before you looked up at him?

Reply

Fmyspam | 0

#2741472 - Thursday 23 June 2011 9:40

Taking a sexy crap. Duh?

By crackberrie | 0

#591268 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:15

more like f your brother's friend's life!!
but yea this is pretty embarrassing

Reply

awkwardturtley | 0

#983162 - Thursday 22 April 2010 1:22

haha it would be if he hadn't just stood there *watching* her o.O

By Tess_fml | 7

#591272 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:18

Ouch, I feel for you D:

By krazybabie | 0

#591275 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:18

ewwwww sick bastard- the friend I mean!

By terrta_merrta | 0

#591276 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:19

lets hope your crapping didn't traumatize him.

By IloveComics | 0

#591280 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:21

Well, that's disgusting. Something like that happened to me before. He was a couple years younger and saw my boobs. :(
I feel for you. At least, it's not totally bad. :D

Reply

sugar_407 | 0

#593007 - Tuesday 29 September 2009 2:09

who cares.

By curlyfriez | 0

#591283 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:22

eeewwwwww
He's a Cochino!!!!!!!!

By Intoxicunt | 5

#591293 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:28

He wanted a Cleveland Steamer. Humor him.

Reply

jackkerouc9 | 0

#591895 - Monday 28 September 2009 18:36

no he wanted a reverse blumpkin. Instead of the guy recieving oral sex while taking a shit, she gives it to him while she shits. Or maybe he wanted to give her a blumpkin? Idk, I am not into skat fetishes.

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#593429 - Tuesday 29 September 2009 4:43

Lol. I like it. I mean, not the act, the term "reverse blumpkin".
For the record, I'm not either. >_>

By Bloodknight | 22

#591307 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:34

Wow, this one actually made me cringe.