Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom... - FML

By thanksbro - 28/9/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom to go #2. In my hurry, I forgot to shut the door so I asked my older brother who was walking by to close it for me. After a while he didn't respond, so I looked up to see not my brother, but his best friend watching me take a crap. FML

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Work name

Instadrama

Great boyfriend

By bullseyed - 8/12/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I planned to drop a water balloon on my visiting prankster brother from my new apartment's balcony. As he crossed the street, I launched the balloon, and sent it right behind him. It hit an eight year old on a scooter. FML

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By Nojob - 6/6/2018 09:00 - United States - Bronx

Today, on my way to my job interview, the man who was supposed to be interviewing me slammed into my car because he wasn’t paying attention. He fired me for raising his insurance premiums. I got fired before getting the job. FML

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By schooyou101 - 17/11/2012 13:34 - United States - Prairie Village

Today, my crush finally agreed to spend the night with me. I told my parents to act normal for one night. Apparently, "normal" is strutting around naked and acting like a chicken. FML

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By CatLady - 6/1/2014 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I brought up the subject of marriage with my boyfriend. His response was to shoot me with a nerf gun and laugh. FML

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By NotAnUglyBaby - 22/3/2016 22:40 - Mexico - C?rdoba

Today, while vacationing, a small boy asked to see the baby I was holding, wrapped in a blanket. I showed him, and his face reflexively scrunched up. The boy's mother came and apologized to me. Her face scrunched up too. FML

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By Username - 27/3/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

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By yourfault - 2/9/2013 15:10 - United Kingdom - Kingston

Today, my boyfriend blamed me for his affair, because apparently I "should have made it clear to him" not to have sex with other people. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2014 08:21 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I spent six hours at the ER. Why? My husband dared our seventeen-year-old son to recreate a 'Jackass' trolley-hedge diving stunt at the local supermarket. What wasn't on my groceries list was a broken arm, fractured wrist, whiplash and cuts and bruises. FML

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By whatisthisshit - 17/3/2017 00:00

Hellooooo, Social Services?

Today, I spent two hours convincing my 3-year-old son that he can't poop on his 4-month-old brother out of retaliation for the baby pooping on him. He did it anyway. FML

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By Dimples - 3/1/2013 11:35 - United States - Sanford

Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML

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By fmlman - 15/3/2013 05:44 - United States - Rawlins

Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML

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By sixxie - 29/1/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I went in to work and was handed a write-up for having lied about being sick in order to leave early yesterday. Apparently, a co-worker saw me leave the parking lot, then immediately pull into the shopping center next door. I was going to Walgreens for cold medicine. FML

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By Ecce - 10/7/2010 12:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

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By TexasGirl24 - 10/9/2016 12:51 - United States - Houston

Today, I was making a shake at work when the cup fell off the blender. I went to catch it, and instead caught the teeth of the still-spinning mixer. When my hand was still bleeding five minutes later, my supervisor told me to clock out until it stopped. I lost money for getting hurt on the job. FML

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By Pierced - 30/5/2017 18:00

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

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By Zoey_M - 8/7/2013 23:26 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

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By howprofessional - 6/9/2013 21:23 - United States - Dearborn

Today, at a job interview, I was asked what I thought of twerking. It was a bizarre question, but trying to get on the interviewer's good side, I said I thought it was pretty cool. He snorted and said I'll be job-seeking for a while yet. FML

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By betterpianist - 29/11/2016 21:04 - United States

Today, the girl I've liked for over a year, broke up with me after just 2 weeks of dating, all because I'm a better pianist then her. I've been playing since I was 8. She's been playing for 6 months. FML

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By hatboxghost - 9/7/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2014 20:46 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I received an email from an angry parent, demanding that I give his daughter an A on a project which I had given her a 0 on. The project was to pick an article related to science and to write an essay on it. Hers was a hoax article relating to Ebola patients rising from the dead. FML

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By Shinobi_3 - 26/2/2010 17:43 - United States

Today, while I was eating, a fly kept pissing me off. After three minutes of it buzzing around, I caught it and killed it. Then, without realizing it, I smeared its guts all over the front of my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2014 18:49 - United States - Springfield

Today, as I was waiting in line at the check out, some guy came up behind me, plucked a hair out of my head, and ran off with it. FML

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By Typrokka - 22/10/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to drop the garbage in the compactor as I left to do some shopping. I quickly put my handbag down on the side, threw the 'garbage' in the machine, watched it do its thing, and then turned round to find... the bag of garbage on the side. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2014 21:03 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend took our prank war way too far and had a package sent to me at home. Confused, I opened it. It contained a dildo and a bottle of lube. I didn't know my dad was watching over my shoulder until I heard him choke on his coffee and felt it splash over my neck. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, seconds after my mom put my yorkie onto my bed, he threw up. His head was not fully over the bed itself, so the wet chunks fell straight into my backpack onto my new school books. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2012 20:57 - Netherlands - Uithoorn

Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to answer a text message from his ex, while he was still inside me. FML

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By icanunderstand - 10/7/2009 12:50 - Russian Federation

Today, I'm studying abroad in Russia, and I lost my keys to my dorm room. In the office I asked for a spare and she spoke really fast so I couldn't hear her. Assuming I don't speak Russian, she gets on the phone and calls maintenance saying, "There is this ugly girl about to cry... come fix it." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm immune to laughing gas and partially immune to novocaine while I was getting two teeth pulled. FML

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By Mike - 28/2/2019 02:00

Today, my teenage daughter got her driver’s license. Less than an hour later she wrecked my wife’s new minivan. FML

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By turtles_yup - 3/12/2015 05:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at a fastfood restaurant, I wanted to wash my hands. The restrooms were locked, so a cashier got the key and opened the mens restroom. This would have been fine if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 02:32 - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I finally got proof of my theory when the dog came downstairs at 2 in the morning, looked me dead in the eye, pissed on the rug and took my socks before disappearing back upstairs. FML

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By Sophie - 17/2/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, after recently having had surgery, I Iearnt that some extra tissue was needed to cover up the hole in the roof of my mouth. Where did they get this tissue? From a dead person. I now have the flesh of a dead person in my mouth, which by the way is now infected. FML

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By R_Horsefeet - 29/3/2016 23:10 - Netherlands

Today, the guy I was seeing texted me a photo back of myself I had sent him earlier, saying I'm such a beautiful woman, suggesting that I set it as my profile pic. Too bad he doesn't think I'm pretty enough without a lot of enhancements, because he photoshopped the hell out of that thing. FML

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By fmjob - 21/7/2009 04:39 - Canada

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

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By goodbye cruel world - 1/12/2012 01:28 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my dad grounded me for two weeks for profusely swearing at my misbehaving laptop. After some arguing, he actually accepted my half-joking offer to play a game of CoD over it. His condition was that if I lost, my grounding period would double. We played. He kicked my ass. FML

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By Fish Breath - 3/6/2016 22:26 - United States - Bloomington

Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

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By atleese - 31/12/2011 15:37 - United States

Today, I was having 'goodbye' sex with my boyfriend. Now for the next four months he's going to remember our last time as the one where I farted and couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Troy - 10/9/2019 22:00

Mom knows best

Today, my mom offered me a reward if I went out and mowed our lawn. After 45 mins of pushing a lawnmower in 95-degree heat and getting stung by a bee, I go inside and ask my mom for my reward. She comes up to me, gives me a 'loving hug' and says, "Thank you." FML

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By FML - 8/11/2009 10:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad drove me to work which is an hour away. 20 minutes into the job, I was told 'Didn't we tell you last week? We let you go.' Clearly, no, they didn't. I had to wait one awkward hour, with my colleagues who knew I was fired before I did, for my dad to collect me. FML

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By gerbilmaster - 9/7/2015 21:12 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

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Top comments

By TheTruth1428 | 0

#591265 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

YDI. Shut the door if you expect privacy. Yes, it's creepy that his friend was watching, but you could have easily prevented it by just shutting the door. I'm sure you wouldn't have crapped yourself in the 2 seconds it takes to shut it.

By hellohello9 | 0

#591267 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

where were you looking before you looked up at him?

Comments

By TheTruth1428 | 0

#591265 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

YDI. Shut the door if you expect privacy. Yes, it's creepy that his friend was watching, but you could have easily prevented it by just shutting the door. I'm sure you wouldn't have crapped yourself in the 2 seconds it takes to shut it.

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#591297 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:29

Pffft, no kidding! It's not that god damned hard. Even when I was going to crap myself or seemingly projectile vomit, I remembered to shut the door.

Reply

the_stereotype | 0

#591584 - Monday 28 September 2009 14:52

idk...i think i'd rather have someone watch me crap than close the door and then end up crapping in my pants and then have to clean it out later as well.

Reply

JustinBieberIsOK | 0

#980892 - Saturday 17 April 2010 11:50

(her) not a guy! lolz

Reply

Clare420 | 0

#1018344 - Friday 4 June 2010 1:36

I disagree. your brothers friend is a perv he should have just shut the door. FYL

Reply

BlanketHogger | 0

#3794211 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 15:17

OP is a girl

Reply

solid2dew | 6

#4012932 - Thursday 9 February 2012 15:26

His meaning her brothers friend.

By hellohello9 | 0

#591267 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

where were you looking before you looked up at him?

Reply

Fmyspam | 0

#2741472 - Thursday 23 June 2011 9:40

Taking a sexy crap. Duh?

By crackberrie | 0

#591268 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:15

more like f your brother's friend's life!!
but yea this is pretty embarrassing

Reply

awkwardturtley | 0

#983162 - Thursday 22 April 2010 1:22

haha it would be if he hadn't just stood there *watching* her o.O

By Tess_fml | 7

#591272 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:18

Ouch, I feel for you D:

By krazybabie | 0

#591275 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:18

ewwwww sick bastard- the friend I mean!

By terrta_merrta | 0

#591276 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:19

lets hope your crapping didn't traumatize him.

By IloveComics | 0

#591280 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:21

Well, that's disgusting. Something like that happened to me before. He was a couple years younger and saw my boobs. :(
I feel for you. At least, it's not totally bad. :D

Reply

sugar_407 | 0

#593007 - Tuesday 29 September 2009 2:09

who cares.

By curlyfriez | 0

#591283 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:22

eeewwwwww
He's a Cochino!!!!!!!!

By Intoxicunt | 5

#591293 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:28

He wanted a Cleveland Steamer. Humor him.

Reply

jackkerouc9 | 0

#591895 - Monday 28 September 2009 18:36

no he wanted a reverse blumpkin. Instead of the guy recieving oral sex while taking a shit, she gives it to him while she shits. Or maybe he wanted to give her a blumpkin? Idk, I am not into skat fetishes.

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#593429 - Tuesday 29 September 2009 4:43

Lol. I like it. I mean, not the act, the term "reverse blumpkin".
For the record, I'm not either. >_>

By Bloodknight | 22

#591307 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:34

Wow, this one actually made me cringe.