Miscellaneous: Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom... - FML

By thanksbro - United States

Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom to go #2. In my hurry, I forgot to shut the door so I asked my older brother who was walking by to close it for me. After a while he didn't respond, so I looked up to see not my brother, but his best friend watching me take a crap. FML

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Proactive

Social media was a mistake

Can't buy me love

By anonymous - United States

Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML

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By ThreeTimesUnlucky - South Africa - Edenvale

Today, I received another letter of rejection from the university of my dreams. I got it the first time, but thanks for reminding me. FML

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By BarBacked - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, my boyfriend proposed: he told me the feeling he gets from being in love with me is the best feeling in the world, even better than the feeling he gets when he poops. FML

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By 3rd wheel, 2nd dick

Today, my best friend asked if I'd join him and his girlfriend for a 3-way. Since I've always had a crush on his girlfriend, I eagerly agreed. When I got there, I learned that their idea of a 3-way was them watching me jerk off while I watched them have sex. FML

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By dmsmcd - United States

Today, after a week of insomnia, I finally managed to fall asleep. Thirty minutes later, my friends decided to bang on my door, yelling at me to wake up and party with them. I'm now wide awake and hallucinating from lack of sleep. FML

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By Sissyleemae

Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML

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By Singleforever - United States - West Hartford

Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML

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By hairynips - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend and tell him that the red bumps around my nipples was heat rash, rather than admit it was actually razor burn. FML

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By CatLady

Today, I was having dinner at a restaurant with my best friend and her 18-month-old. I really had to fart, so I let one go silently, hoping it would go unnoticed. I caught a whiff of it, but so did my friend apparently, because she made a face and then held up her baby to smell her diaper. FML

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By Why - Australia - Sydney

Today, for our 25th anniversary, my husband and I had dinner on a cruise ship, a dinner we had been planning for months. Upon boarding, I realized the expensive dress that I had bought just for the occasion had exactly the same print as the chair covers and the carpet. The cruise lasted 8 hours. FML

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By Georgia

Today, my boyfriend turned down a shower with me because he didn't want to get his hair wet. FML

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By thisguy - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating because according to him, our child does not have his hair color, eye color, or other facial features. Our son is five days old, bald and hasn't opened his eyes much. The closest thing I can probably compare him to is an old, wrinkly potato. FML

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By Fattypatty - United States

Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was, I continued to wipe. After I finished, I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML

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By CloroxDoggo - United States

Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML

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By BrokeAsAJoke - United States

Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl I've liked for a while. I ran late, so in a hurry to make the movie, and trying to be smooth for her, I told the waiter I'd "take care of him" if he made it fast. He did. When he brought the check, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By Bl6122 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mom received a condolence card from my high school's alumni association for my recent passing. I'm still alive! FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 14:00

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

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By fuckalltwitardsintheface - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

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By fedemere - United States

Today, I finally told the girl I've been after for more than a year that I'm attracted to her. Her response? A slight hug with a pat on the back as she said "There, there." FML

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By goner - United States

Today, my wife and I decided it would be funny to pull a prank on her family who we were going to see for dinner. I hid in the foyer while she went in and announced to her parents that she was leaving me. I watched as her mother hugged her daughter and cried "Finally..." FML

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By anon - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

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By jbhadafuckedupday

Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time. What he did not tell me was that he had shit on the floor, and when I went into the bathroom to check, I slipped on a turd and knocked myself out on the sink. FML

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By reckless182 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 10 year old son that me and his father are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

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By wtf - United States - Dearborn

Today, I walked into my bedroom to find my boyfriend clipping his toe nails into my pillow case. FML

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By brittbrat4 - United States

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML

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By no one - United States

Today, my back hurt really badly, so I decided to stay in bed. After a while, I sat up to shut the door. When I leaned over to reach it, I fell off my bed and face-planted the floor. After picking myself up and getting comfortable in my bed again, I realized the door was still open. FML

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By sobusy - United States - Romeoville

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

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By joy - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

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By lydia - 1/7/2020 08:08

Like that's an excuse

Today, my mother screamed at me because she thinks I peed on the toilet seat. Not my dad, me. I’m a girl. FML

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By just_a_bit_akwRd - United States

Today, I was putting on my new pair of jeans, when my girlfriend walked in. She found the "XS" size sticker on the side of my pants, held it for a little while then put it on my crotch. She then looked at me, gave a little shrug and half-smile and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was stuck in what I thought was traffic on my way home from work. I started weaving in and out of traffic because it seemed to only be a few cars holding up the line. I get to the front of the line and I'd realized I just weaved through a funeral procession. FML

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By caliibbyy

Today, I found out my best friend has a massive head lice infestation. It wasn't until after I'd used her hairbrush to brush my hair that I figured it out. FML

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By Canonlizardjet - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document and a lizard shot out of the printer right out at me. Gives a whole new meaning to a Canon printer, a fricking lizard Canon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, the new security guard of my apartment building tackled me for "suspicious behavior" while I was taking a bag full of dirty kitty litter to the trash chute. He broke my arm and cause the trash bag to explode. When I got back from the hospital, I was fined for littering in the hallway. FML

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By laprochainefoisjerestealamaison - France - Montpellier

Today, I gave birth to my daughter in a hospital corridor. The nurse who took me to my room afterward tried to comfort me by saying there've been worse incidents; she said that two years ago, a lady gave birth in the parking lot. That was me too. FML

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By Deadpool434 - Ireland - Dublin

Well played

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times' sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent." I got pranked by myself. FML

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By dypshyyt - United States

Today, I went to my weekly AA meeting. It was a huge crowd and I was the guest speaker. Not 5 minutes into my speech, I was booed off stage and banned from further attendance because I accidentally wore a Jack Daniel's shirt. FML

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By hoboman - United States

Today, I was turned down from my dream job at a graphic design firm. Before the interview, concerned about my hobo style would not impress the company, I shaved, cut my long hair, and even bought a suit. They said I wasn't "free-spirited and creative enough." FML

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Top comments

By TheTruth1428 | 0

#591265 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

YDI. Shut the door if you expect privacy. Yes, it's creepy that his friend was watching, but you could have easily prevented it by just shutting the door. I'm sure you wouldn't have crapped yourself in the 2 seconds it takes to shut it.

By hellohello9 | 0

#591267 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

where were you looking before you looked up at him?

COMMENTS

By TheTruth1428 | 0

#591265 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

YDI. Shut the door if you expect privacy. Yes, it's creepy that his friend was watching, but you could have easily prevented it by just shutting the door. I'm sure you wouldn't have crapped yourself in the 2 seconds it takes to shut it.

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#591297 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:29

Pffft, no kidding! It's not that god damned hard. Even when I was going to crap myself or seemingly projectile vomit, I remembered to shut the door.

Reply

the_stereotype | 0

#591584 - Monday 28 September 2009 14:52

idk...i think i'd rather have someone watch me crap than close the door and then end up crapping in my pants and then have to clean it out later as well.

Reply

JustinBieberIsOK | 0

#980892 - Saturday 17 April 2010 11:50

(her) not a guy! lolz

Reply

Clare420 | 0

#1018344 - Friday 4 June 2010 1:36

I disagree. your brothers friend is a perv he should have just shut the door. FYL

Reply

BlanketHogger | 0

#3794211 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 15:17

OP is a girl

Reply

solid2dew | 6

#4012932 - Thursday 9 February 2012 15:26

His meaning her brothers friend.

By hellohello9 | 0

#591267 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:14

where were you looking before you looked up at him?

Reply

Fmyspam | 0

#2741472 - Thursday 23 June 2011 9:40

Taking a sexy crap. Duh?

By crackberrie | 0

#591268 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:15

more like f your brother's friend's life!!
but yea this is pretty embarrassing

Reply

awkwardturtley | 0

#983162 - Thursday 22 April 2010 1:22

haha it would be if he hadn't just stood there *watching* her o.O

By Tess_fml | 7

#591272 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:18

Ouch, I feel for you D:

By krazybabie | 0

#591275 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:18

ewwwww sick bastard- the friend I mean!

By terrta_merrta | 0

#591276 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:19

lets hope your crapping didn't traumatize him.

By IloveComics | 0

#591280 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:21

Well, that's disgusting. Something like that happened to me before. He was a couple years younger and saw my boobs. :(
I feel for you. At least, it's not totally bad. :D

Reply

sugar_407 | 0

#593007 - Tuesday 29 September 2009 2:09

who cares.

By curlyfriez | 0

#591283 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:22

eeewwwwww
He's a Cochino!!!!!!!!

By Intoxicunt | 5

#591293 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:28

He wanted a Cleveland Steamer. Humor him.

Reply

jackkerouc9 | 0

#591895 - Monday 28 September 2009 18:36

no he wanted a reverse blumpkin. Instead of the guy recieving oral sex while taking a shit, she gives it to him while she shits. Or maybe he wanted to give her a blumpkin? Idk, I am not into skat fetishes.

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#593429 - Tuesday 29 September 2009 4:43

Lol. I like it. I mean, not the act, the term "reverse blumpkin".
For the record, I'm not either. >_>

By Bloodknight | 22

#591307 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:34

Wow, this one actually made me cringe.