Intimacy: Today, I got into a car accident. While getting my things out... - FML

By jo1429 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. While getting my things out of the car to bring into the tow truck, I noticed the handcuffs from my Halloween costume were still in the trunk. The tow truck driver noticed before I did, because he smiled, winked, and asked if I needed any more help. FML

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Big boss man

Not now!

Always ask for documentation

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I was called into the office by my supervisor, on whom I have a massive crush. He called me in to get my password to make some adjustments on my work account and asked me what my password was. I had to hold eye contact with him and tell him my password is his full name. FML

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By FMyEx - United States - Southington

Today, I was bartending. A guest was getting belligerent so I had to cut him off. He called me a bitch and threw the rest of his drink in my face before storming off. The belligerent asscandle was my boyfriend. FML

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By noononononono - United States - Sacramento

Today, my Dad came home with a $500 jacket that he'd bought himself for Christmas. I'd bought him the same one, and it's non refundable. FML

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By danskinnow - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

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By PNeil

Time wasting

Today, after having spent all of last night studying for an algebra test, I find out that the test was on a completely different chapter of my textbook. FML

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By bustedfornuthin - United States

Today, I was arrested by the police for sitting in what they thought was a stolen vehicle. After being slammed into the back of a squad car at gun point, they realized the car was actually recovered a week ago. FML

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By WhyMe - United States

Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML

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By Aunjy - United States - Marmora

Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems he had diarrhea. The evidence of this is in his pants, down his leg, on the couch, on the bathroom floor, smeared on my wall, and in the shape of a brown handprint on my shirt. FML

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By kdeeeceee - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had dinner at my boss's house. Just before we were ready to eat, my girlfriend came to me with a desperate look in her eyes. Apparently, she took a dump, clogged the toilet, and it flooded. I took the hit for her, and now my boss thinks I'm a jackass. FML

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By moms a baby - United States - Loma Linda

Today, my mom stopped playing badminton with me because she claimed I was too aggressive. Apparently winning, playing by the rules, and smashing is considered aggressive. FML

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By Fubar0906 - United States

Today, I'm on vacation. I spent $4000 to surprise my boyfriend on a trip to Hawaii. We have been together over a year. Turns out, he hates the outdoors. He's mad at me for bringing him here and is upset at everything. He's in the room reading, I'm at the bar drinking $10 Mai Tai's. FML

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By Wifewithquestions - 26/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Clarksville

Mysterious

Today, I found male enhancers hidden in the back of the car, which I'm assuming are my husband's, but we haven't been having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was alone with a work acquaintance at lunch. A noise came from his pocket; he whipped out his iPod Touch and said "Sorry, I have to take this," before walking away with the iPod to his ear. Not only did he not want to talk to me, he thought I was stupid enough to confuse an iPod with a phone. FML

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By authorsubmit - United States

Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML

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By xkellybabyyx - United States

Today, I was walking through the streets with my best friend, feeling confident in my new skinny jeans. My friend said, "you really should be wearing a thong with those pants, your underwear line is showing". I was wearing a thong, those lines were just my fat rolls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amsterdam

Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML

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By Bawsack

Today, I dyed my hair. It was all going well, until I forgot I had a head full of product and scratched an itch. I didn't realise my mistake until later, and now have to replace my six-month old sofa because it has a huge stain that alternates from purple to bleach. FML

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By hatemyboss - United States - Alameda

Today, I asked my boss if I could have a bigger cubicle. I'm now working in one that is half the size of my old one. FML

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By Amanda G Rich - 25/11/2020 02:02

Lose the boyfriend, not the weight

Today, yet again. my boyfriend told me I'm getting fat, even after I told him to stop and that it's affecting my mental health. I had an eating disorder previously, and now I'm thinking about going back to just eating an apple a day. FML

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By Laura - United Kingdom - Girvan

Today, I was at a concert and a man came up behind and started to grind me. I pushed him away. He came back and pissed on my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were getting at it, and then my parents came home. I heard them and we scrambled to get our clothes on. My dad came into the room and found me wearing her pants inside out with her thong around my legs. FML

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By ohmy - Canada

Today, a spider crawled across my glasses' lens. My first reaction was to smack myself in the face. FML

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By Christmas sucks - United States - Boston

Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML

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By Zach - United States - Lewes

Today, I found out the only reason my parents haven't kicked me out yet is because of my OCD which makes me clean the house every single day. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. So I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

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By Embarrassed - United States

Today, I was in the car with a group of my girl friends discussing sexual experiences when I looked down and realized my Blackberry had dialed the family I babysit for and had left a five minute voicemail. FML

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By 123_omg

Today, I got a surround sound system from my best friend. I didn't even have it hooked up when the sub woofer fell to the floor and smashed. I don't know if it can be fixed. FML

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By -___- - United States - Winfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

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By clarakipper - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that the vacation my mom has been planning to "repair our relationship" was just an opportunity to change her Facebook profile picture. FML

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By Oops

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

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By peter - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

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By Lisa - United States

Today, after being dumped by my boyfriend of two years, I poured my heart out to my dad. He nodded and looked sympathetic throughout. Afterwards, I asked him what I should do. He replied, "How the hell should I know?" and awkwardly left my room. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went straight from a kickboxing class to a first date. I coughed and a tooth that must have been knocked loose during free sparring fell into my hand, and I got blood on my shirt and the table. My date had a blood phobia and passed out, breaking her own front tooth on the table edge FML

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By Wowsers. - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

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By jamblasticus - United States

Today, I was walking in the park when I saw an attractive girl walking nearby. I approached her to strike up a conversation when suddenly a large fly invaded my left nostril, and became lodged inside. After picking out the bloody fly pieces, I looked up to see the girl walking away, gagging. FML

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By Sugar - United Kingdom

Today, British Telecom disconnected my landline by mistake. Their call centre in India tried to reach me. Result, they spoke to an unknown gentleman, who told them he didn't need a phone line at my address. Reconnection in 2 business days. FML

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By amber - United States

Today, I bitched out my boyfriend for logging into my facebook account and deleting EVERY male (even family) off my friends list. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him and has forced me to say "sorry." FML

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By CPD - Canada

Today, I made a half-hour bike ride to the movie store, only to realize I'd forgotten my money. I made the ride back home, grabbed my money, went back to the store, paid, then made a second ride home. I got home exhausted, and opened the case. They gave me the wrong movie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

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By mk - United States

Today, I had to be the one to break it to my daughter that WWE fighting was staged. She began crying. However, last month she didn't shed a single tear at her grandmother's funeral. FML

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Top comments

By BookBeast | 0

#1633790 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:13

Bow chicka bow-bow....

By Eaglestrike117 | 29

#1633781 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:11

Well, did you?

COMMENTS

By Eaglestrike117 | 29

#1633781 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:11

Well, did you?

Reply

FreshSalad | 1

#1633823 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:21

Well it is called Fuck my life... So I'd assume so.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1634107 - Monday 1 November 2010 1:49

/
, , / /
' - . ` ( ) / ` . - '
. - - _ ' ( ) ' _ - - .
/ / ` / ` " " ` `
| | > < | |
/ /
' .__ . '
HAPPY HALLOWEEENN!!!

Reply

tamie306 | 5

#1634159 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:06

#25 you must have a lot of time on your hands...

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1634187 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:15

I just copied and pasted it..

Reply

ImJustNotBlack | 0

#1634416 - Monday 1 November 2010 3:33

You got me handcuffed
Locked up cardiac arrest baby
Cuz I'm in love with you
You got me handcuffed
Dont stop tie me up right now baby
That's all I wanna do

Reply

hannah1203 | 2

#1634513 - Monday 1 November 2010 4:04

Truck drivers ftw

Reply

maddieclaire | 0

#1634579 - Monday 1 November 2010 4:34

Mrs. Officer?!

Reply

riceplum | 0

#1634751 - Monday 1 November 2010 5:54

sounds like the start of a porno

Reply

the_flirtt | 0

#1634791 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:16

49 good song

Reply

sweetcheeksjvl | 0

#1634865 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:47

hallloweeen

Reply

megaluke | 0

#1634891 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:56

k

Reply

chuchurocket | 4

#1635293 - Monday 1 November 2010 10:47

61 marry me

By bravesfan112233 | 0

#1633782 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:11

I love creepy guys

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1634318 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:51

I dig fat chicks.
*Borat voice* NOT!

Reply

JUST_STFU_N_GTFO | 0

#1634671 - Monday 1 November 2010 5:21

I'm a creepy guy... wait I meant girl!
Grr... now I'm confused!!!

By Selena_is_back | 7

#1633788 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:11

hahahahaha WTH?

By chazzlerazzle | 0

#1633789 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:11

kinky haha

Reply

Dusk32 | 0

#1637343 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 2:02

hahahaha

By BookBeast | 0

#1633790 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:13

Bow chicka bow-bow....

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1634020 - Monday 1 November 2010 1:14

It's wow-wow.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1634116 - Monday 1 November 2010 1:54

Pow pow!

Reply

Selena_is_back | 7

#1634206 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:19

now now!

Reply

Uscdrew1 | 7

#1634413 - Monday 1 November 2010 3:33

How now brown cow?

Reply

hairdreser0nfire | 0

#1634709 - Monday 1 November 2010 5:38

brown chicken brown cow?

Reply

hairt | 4

#1635150 - Monday 1 November 2010 8:59

howhow

Reply

gggfrt | 0

#1635738 - Monday 1 November 2010 16:15

Shamwow

Reply

tobyraza | 0

#1636363 - Monday 1 November 2010 20:21

oh wow

Reply

BRBsummer | 9

#1638558 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 5:17

Tacos!

Reply

wolfen6532 | 3

#1686240 - Friday 12 November 2010 8:43

that made me laugh xD

By undeadcorpseYAY | 0

#1633813 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:21

if you're not married you should of said yes. Don't just use your cuffs for Halloween!

Reply

theshocker09 | 1

#1634101 - Monday 1 November 2010 1:48

I like your style

Reply

C6Racer | 0

#1634901 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:59

Agreed

By amerwin | 3

#1633836 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:24

You have to pay to have your car fixed somehow. Beggars can't be choosers. It's time to swallow your pride and make that truck driver's day.

Reply

ShorTiE4LyFe | 0

#1633975 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:57

Swallow something else too! ;)

Reply

averageirishman | 0

#1634182 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:14

oh the humour on this site.

Reply

brndn92 | 0

#1639880 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 15:04

she's goin to be swallowing a little more than pride. XD

Reply

bunniex1 | 11

#4265467 - Friday 6 April 2012 8:00

-naive look- what else is she swallowing :o

By yuggi1 | 11

#1633845 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:27

Wee-woo!!! How is this an FML? At least he didn't turn to you and yelled at you for been a sick pervert.

Reply

yuggi1 | 11

#1633864 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:31

Indeed #9, OP could had gotten some if she so pleased! ;)

Reply

mageoreh | 0

#1634769 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:08

replying to yourself is fun

Reply

mageoreh | 0

#1634800 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:17

it sure is #58!!

By Smithjc84 | 0

#1633850 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:28

Pics of your costume

By lori_lovee | 0

#1633872 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:31

That's horrible #8! Lmfao.

Reply

zkchild | 0

#1633923 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:45

Make sure to get in there nice and deep like. Ummm Hmmmm

Reply

lacrossebabe23 | 4

#4798378 - Friday 10 August 2012 23:29

Ur pic matches ur words....