Today, I got into a car accident. While getting my things out... - FML

By jo1429 - 31/10/2010 21:27 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. While getting my things out of the car to bring into the tow truck, I noticed the handcuffs from my Halloween costume were still in the trunk. The tow truck driver noticed before I did, because he smiled, winked, and asked if I needed any more help. FML

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You snooze, you lose

Minefield

Clocked

By GamingWolfy5 - 27/6/2019 06:36

Today, I got angry at my computer, and instead of bashing my keyboard with my fists, I bashed my face on the keyboard. It REALLY hurt. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2012 18:09 - Canada

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

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By please_no - 16/3/2010 14:40 - United States

Today, the water in my shower wouldn't drain so I used a snake to unclog it. I pulled almost a full foot of nasty hair and gunk out of the drain. I just moved in, and the previous owner was an elderly woman. I just pulled a foot of old lady pubes out of my drain. FML

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By AM - 31/8/2015 21:46

Today, it was my birthday and I have no children. My father bluntly says, "Well, I guess if I get any grand-babies out of you now, they will have Down's Syndrome." I just turned 30. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2012 17:47 - United States - Richland

Today, I found out what the two girls I sit near to fight about every day: seating. The loser has to sit next to me. FML

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By slayerdeath - 20/5/2012 05:19 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 05:00

Stained

Today, I found out that my wife's dog had peed on my side of the bed, while I was sleeping. I thought I had just drooled in my sleep, until I noticed it had turned yellow during the day. FML

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By yamsterr - 12/3/2012 16:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I agreed to tell her parents that she's pregnant. When they started freaking out, instead of dealing with the situation maturely, she went into straight-up Tard Mode and said, "It's okay, I'm not the mom." FML

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By petty petty petty - 8/9/2017 16:00

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

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By leahbeuhh - 5/9/2009 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML

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By anonymous - 21/5/2010 17:26 - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid running over a dead cat in the road. Instead, I ran over its head. The crack of its skull was loud enough for me to hear it. FML

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By BabyButt - 9/4/2014 17:50 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend to our local park, and I playfully climbed into one of the baby swings. I planned on having him push me, not getting stuck and having to be cut free from the seat while he laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By busted - 22/9/2012 21:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my parents that I have a boyfriend. I was answering their questions about him, when my dad cut me off mid-sentence. He accused me of lying through my teeth, and said I'd based him off a character from a Harrison Ford movie. FML

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By Imthatfirstguy1 - 10/4/2018 15:00

Today, I owe about $18,000 for a useless degree. Why? I graduated in 2016 from the ITT Technical Institute, a few months before the school shut down for good. The kicker? They misspelled my name on the diploma. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2018 13:30

Today, my AC stopped working. It's currently 3:08AM and I have 2 fans running, a cold washcloth on my neck, and a window open. It's still hot as hell. Thanks, Florida. FML

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By Spanishredhead - 3/10/2009 10:31 - United States

Today, I checked in a group of men from Mexico. I speak just enough Spanish to realize they're discussing my breasts. I have to stand there smiling while checking in three more people. FML

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By MyHeadHurts - 20/1/2012 10:42 - Ireland

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

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By Timeless - 24/2/2009 05:22 - Canada

Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said "You should know already". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2015 16:05 - United States

Today, a creepy old guy kept hitting on me in line at Subway. I got scared and told him to back off because my dad was waiting for me outside. He replied that he wouldn't object to a three-way. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 02:00 - Germany - Wuppertal

Today, my coworker keeps loudly saying things like, "Oh, now THIS!" If I don't ask, "What?" she pouts. If I do ask, she tells me, at length and with very bad grammar, how every one of our colleagues and partners is either stupid, rude or out to get her. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2018 15:00

Today, after 11 years together, including 8 years of engagement and 3.5 months of marriage, I found out he had sex with his ex-girlfriend on my birthday. He's now leaving me and our kids to be with her because she's his "soul mate". FML

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By Lily - 2/9/2015 10:09 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my doctor informed me that the tests we've been doing the previous months show no sign of leukemia. I was just about to express my relief when he casually followed up with, "Never mind, there's still a lot of other blood-related diseases we need to look out for." FML

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By soprahb - 19/10/2012 06:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 21:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, for the first time, I told my girlfriend of two months that I love her. She broke down in laughter and mockingly asked, "What are you, some kind of queer?" I could've sworn she was mentally older than a 5-year-old when I asked her out. I guess not. FML

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By Justanotherwreck - 20/4/2019 16:00

Today, we had an office party. I got extremely drunk and invited my younger coworker into the bathroom to make out repeatedly. Not only did he reject me multiple times, but he also looked super traumatised and hasn’t said a word to me since. FML

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By notinflammable - 27/6/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, I had given up on finding my makeup bag with cell phone and iPod my mom had bought for me recently. So I went to art to join the group of girls with whom I share the back art studio of my school. One of them was talking about how she'd ripped off some bitch's stuff, and she held up my bag. FML

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By cat_lady - 5/4/2020 17:00

Follow the yellow brown road

Today, I watched as my poor old cat dragged his ass across our living room carpet, leaving an equally long shit stain on our pristine carpet. My pleas for him to stop only made his diarrhea worse as he ran off. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 10:14 - China

Today, I was in a restaurant with my fiancée for dinner. I commented that she had some food around her mouth. She responded with a lecture, then by throwing her hot bowl of noodles at me, before stomping out the restaurant. FML

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By notyourmom - 11/6/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend asked if I could grow out my pubic hair since I usually wax it. He said his mom has a full bush and he always thought it looks better that way. FML

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By ParanoidFreak - 31/12/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

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By crazytortise - 6/10/2016 02:40 - United States

Today, I was syphoning some gas from my truck to my friend's car just enough to get to the gas station. I told my friend to let me know when the gas was coming; he said, "Alright." Suddenly, I got a mouth full of gas because he was on his phone taking a video of me. He got the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2013 19:04 - Germany - Ahaus

Today, it's been three weeks since I moved to Germany with my own money, after my company's offices in Spain shut down. I was given a job at the headquarters here, only to have just found out that the whole company is now set to go into liquidation. FML

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By Kirstie Campbell - 8/6/2020 08:08

Ups and downs

Today, I finally realized that my bipolar depression gets worse in hot weather. I live in Hawaii. FML

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By wat - 20/9/2013 05:52 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

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By CollegeChef - 21/1/2013 06:03 - Australia

Today, months into supporting my mum with her part time cleaning job by cooking dinner for my large family after university, I found out that she doesn't actually have a job, she just leaves the house for a few hours because she doesn't want to cook dinner. FML

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By scribbles1475 - 15/12/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, after trying to find the perfect picture for the guy I have a huge crush on, I finally found one and sent it to him. His return picture? Himself in a Batman mask and sombrero. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 04:21 - United States - Erie

Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML

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Top comments

By BookBeast | 0

#1633790 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:13

Bow chicka bow-bow....

By Eaglestrike117 | 29

#1633781 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:11

Well, did you?

COMMENTS

By Eaglestrike117 | 29

#1633781 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:11

Well, did you?

Reply

FreshSalad | 1

#1633823 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:21

Well it is called Fuck my life... So I'd assume so.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1634107 - Monday 1 November 2010 1:49

/
, , / /
' - . ` ( ) / ` . - '
. - - _ ' ( ) ' _ - - .
/ / ` / ` " " ` `
| | > < | |
/ /
' .__ . '
HAPPY HALLOWEEENN!!!

Reply

tamie306 | 5

#1634159 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:06

#25 you must have a lot of time on your hands...

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1634187 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:15

I just copied and pasted it..

Reply

ImJustNotBlack | 0

#1634416 - Monday 1 November 2010 3:33

You got me handcuffed
Locked up cardiac arrest baby
Cuz I'm in love with you
You got me handcuffed
Dont stop tie me up right now baby
That's all I wanna do

Reply

hannah1203 | 2

#1634513 - Monday 1 November 2010 4:04

Truck drivers ftw

Reply

maddieclaire | 0

#1634579 - Monday 1 November 2010 4:34

Mrs. Officer?!

Reply

riceplum | 0

#1634751 - Monday 1 November 2010 5:54

sounds like the start of a porno

Reply

the_flirtt | 0

#1634791 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:16

49 good song

Reply

sweetcheeksjvl | 0

#1634865 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:47

hallloweeen

Reply

megaluke | 0

#1634891 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:56

k

Reply

chuchurocket | 4

#1635293 - Monday 1 November 2010 10:47

61 marry me

By bravesfan112233 | 0

#1633782 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:11

I love creepy guys

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1634318 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:51

I dig fat chicks.
*Borat voice* NOT!

Reply

JUST_STFU_N_GTFO | 0

#1634671 - Monday 1 November 2010 5:21

I'm a creepy guy... wait I meant girl!
Grr... now I'm confused!!!

By Selena_is_back | 7

#1633788 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:11

hahahahaha WTH?

By chazzlerazzle | 0

#1633789 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:11

kinky haha

Reply

Dusk32 | 0

#1637343 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 2:02

hahahaha

By BookBeast | 0

#1633790 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:13

Bow chicka bow-bow....

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1634020 - Monday 1 November 2010 1:14

It's wow-wow.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1634116 - Monday 1 November 2010 1:54

Pow pow!

Reply

Selena_is_back | 7

#1634206 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:19

now now!

Reply

Uscdrew1 | 7

#1634413 - Monday 1 November 2010 3:33

How now brown cow?

Reply

hairdreser0nfire | 0

#1634709 - Monday 1 November 2010 5:38

brown chicken brown cow?

Reply

hairt | 4

#1635150 - Monday 1 November 2010 8:59

howhow

Reply

gggfrt | 0

#1635738 - Monday 1 November 2010 16:15

Shamwow

Reply

tobyraza | 0

#1636363 - Monday 1 November 2010 20:21

oh wow

Reply

BRBsummer | 9

#1638558 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 5:17

Tacos!

Reply

wolfen6532 | 3

#1686240 - Friday 12 November 2010 8:43

that made me laugh xD

By undeadcorpseYAY | 0

#1633813 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:21

if you're not married you should of said yes. Don't just use your cuffs for Halloween!

Reply

theshocker09 | 1

#1634101 - Monday 1 November 2010 1:48

I like your style

Reply

C6Racer | 0

#1634901 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:59

Agreed

By amerwin | 3

#1633836 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:24

You have to pay to have your car fixed somehow. Beggars can't be choosers. It's time to swallow your pride and make that truck driver's day.

Reply

ShorTiE4LyFe | 0

#1633975 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:57

Swallow something else too! ;)

Reply

averageirishman | 0

#1634182 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:14

oh the humour on this site.

Reply

brndn92 | 0

#1639880 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 15:04

she's goin to be swallowing a little more than pride. XD

Reply

bunniex1 | 11

#4265467 - Friday 6 April 2012 8:00

-naive look- what else is she swallowing :o

By yuggi1 | 11

#1633845 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:27

Wee-woo!!! How is this an FML? At least he didn't turn to you and yelled at you for been a sick pervert.

Reply

yuggi1 | 11

#1633864 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:31

Indeed #9, OP could had gotten some if she so pleased! ;)

Reply

mageoreh | 0

#1634769 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:08

replying to yourself is fun

Reply

mageoreh | 0

#1634800 - Monday 1 November 2010 6:17

it sure is #58!!

By Smithjc84 | 0

#1633850 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:28

Pics of your costume

By lori_lovee | 0

#1633872 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:31

That's horrible #8! Lmfao.

Reply

zkchild | 0

#1633923 - Monday 1 November 2010 0:45

Make sure to get in there nice and deep like. Ummm Hmmmm

Reply

lacrossebabe23 | 4

#4798378 - Friday 10 August 2012 23:29

Ur pic matches ur words....