Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box...

By mallyboo - 1/10/2016 14:38 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

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Animals

Nice neighborhood

Don't give up

Everyone's an expert

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I experienced the most intense pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

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By appleville - 10/2/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

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By changeddaily - 20/3/2011 04:52 - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

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By croleymd - 17/2/2010 01:29 - United States

Today, I found my company car wrecked in a ditch. Apparently, leaving it parked on an icy hill all night was a bad idea. I have to pick up my manager from the airport. FML

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By smarie09 - 6/3/2010 22:44 - Canada

Today, I accidentally downloaded a virus, which hijacked my email program. I somehow doubt the Dean at my university will thank me for my suggestion that he too could experience 100% natural male enhancement pills. FML

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By natashamilan - 26/2/2015 01:43 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I was at a friend's birthday party when I got a call from my mom telling me to come home because my dog died. When I told my friend that I had to leave because of the loss, she replied with, "Okay, but you brought my gift inside, right?" FML

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By hot_friend - 19/12/2013 06:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he was in love with my best friend instead of me. I wouldn't be so upset if it wasn't the third boyfriend in a row this happened with. FML

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By KKimrae_ness - 28/5/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I found some oversized-strawberry-spree candies in my pantry. They were delicious and I munched on them through out the day. I ended up in and out, but mostly in, the bathroom in the dead hours of the night experiencing the wonders and effectiveness of Fruit Flavored Fiber pills. FML

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By Mitcha857 - 30/7/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I had my back waxed to deal with the uncontrollable hair growth. Afterwards, I broke out in numerous pimples where the hair used to be. Basically, a lose-lose situation. FML

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By hwood - 9/9/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my Grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

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By Myballshurt - 3/8/2013 04:31 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

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By Whoops - 28/1/2010 20:21 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML

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By Angie - 24/3/2011 19:07 - South Africa

Today, my twelve year old neighbour decided to give a Hannah Montana concert in her backyard, starring herself. Unfortunately, she only knew three lines of the song "The Best of Both Worlds" and screamed them repeatedly at the top of her lungs. FML

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By 6u174r_d00d - 10/8/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, I saw a cute girl working register at my regular coffee shop and politely asked the her for her number. I was brutally rejected. A few minutes later, a douchebag with a popped collar approached her with a cheesy pickup line and left with not only her number, but a free frappe. FML

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By nyaahaha - 2/9/2011 03:44 - United States

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:06 - United Kingdom - London

Today, on the way out to buy groceries, my boyfriend asked if I'd like him to buy some of my favourite flowers. Happy with his rare show of affection, I said yes. When he returned, he gave me a bag of our usual brand of flour and laughed hysterically in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2019 06:00

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML

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By karebear - 9/9/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

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By oh my fucking god - 10/7/2014 13:34 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my fiancée has been saying, "Shit's gone cray-cray" for over a week. I finally snapped. When I was done ranting, she murmured, "Baby, don't be cray-cray". FML

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By MondayonaTuesday - 15/9/2017 20:00

Today, while rushing to a big marketing presentation, I started feeling ill in my car. I was stuck in traffic, and before I could get my window open I threw up all over my suit. All I had were some tissues to try to clean the mess before presenting to a full boardroom. FML

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By bubblebuttfuckfart - 13/10/2012 17:32 - Ireland

Today, my aunt brought me a birthday present. I quickly figured out that she'd simply returned the jacket I let her borrow two years ago for my brother's graduation party. It reeks of cigarette smoke and alcohol. FML

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By fedexed - 27/7/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I brought my lunch to work in the only box I had lying around my apartment - a small one from FedEx. When I went to the bathroom before lunch, I returned to my desk to find that one of my coworkers had mailed my lunch back to my apartment. FML

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By sonofaneuroticwench - 20/8/2014 20:08 - United States - Rice Lake

Today, my dad and I got into an argument, and he ended up calling me a son of a bitch. My mom heard and started arguing with him over him calling her a bitch. Three hours later, I'm now staying at my gran's house with my mom and hoping her threats of a divorce weren't for real. FML

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By CaptainSosuke - 27/1/2009 01:54 - United States

Today, I tripped over my own shoelace after explaining to my boyfriend that my shoes being untied were good luck for me. He then took that as the grand opportunity to tell me that we were breaking up. FML

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By katelouise2102 - 29/11/2010 12:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML

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By twingirl - 14/8/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, my grandma went to get birthday gifts for my twin sister and me. She returned with 2 shirts that read "I see you've met the twins" in big letters across the chest. She gave them to us and said, "Isn't this cute? 'cause you're twins!" I then had to explain to her what the shirt was actually referring to. FML

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By TiredMommy - 20/4/2017 18:00 - United States - Southbridge

Today, my 2-year-old son figured out that if he takes his pull-up off and DOESN'T go on the potty, he can pee all over things. FML

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By DeepFriedZombie - 9/8/2016 00:18

Today, I went to my first job interview. I didn't think I was doing too badly, until the interviewer said, "Wait a second, you're in high school?" I explained that the guy who'd called me had said that this wouldn't be a problem. I then watched as my interviewer left his desk to "deal" with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2011 20:55 - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

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By singleagain - 24/8/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I almost got married. After the elaborate and very expensive wedding, my "husband" decided he did not want to sign the marriage license because he wasn't sure if he really wanted to settle down after all. FML

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By anonymous - 26/3/2013 18:31 - United States - Staten Island

Today, after getting a new haircut, I decided to take a few photos. I set up my iPhone in my room and began posing. It wasn't until numerous shots later that I realized my phone had posted every picture to Facebook, and they were all over everyone's newsfeed. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2016 03:01 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I just got my windshield fixed due to a rock hitting it off the highway. Just one hour later on my way home, a large stick flew off the back of a landscaping truck. My windshield is cracked again. FML.

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By buccaneer - 23/10/2012 16:26 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was playing with my 2-year-old Siberian Husky, when she figured that since she couldn't get to my hand, she'd try to bite me in the genitals. She was successful. FML

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By HelpMe - 25/2/2014 09:59 - United Kingdom - Galashiels

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

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By kmtranter - 28/12/2012 11:40 - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend using my hand to wank. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 14:27 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss decided that a mug and a public 'thank you' were a sufficient substitute for a Christmas bonus. FML

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By murphy22 - 24/8/2012 09:33 - United States - Norman

Today, I was taking a relaxing bath. My cat decided to sit on the ledge, which is normal for her, but today she fell in. I never knew how painful it was to be scratched down there until today. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 13:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

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By Muscle - 6/3/2009 21:07 - Canada

Today, I flew home early from a two month trip to Europe to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. When I got to his house with a home baked cake from scratch and a quilt with slik-screened pictures from my trip, his roommate answered the door and said "Oh sorry, he's out with his girlfriend." FML

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By lala - 25/1/2010 17:21 - United States

Today, I used the Print Screen button to take a picture of a really cute bag that I want for my birthday. After emailing it to my mom, I noticed I'd forgotten to close another tab in the browser. The tab had a very suggestive title, for an even more suggestive website. FML

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Top comments

By nonsensical | 26

#6704611 - Friday 21 October 2016 14:10

Think about it. You just made your whole house wet with your pussy.

By Soninuva | 41

#6704620 - Friday 21 October 2016 14:25

Normally you let the cat out of the bag, not scare it out of the box!

COMMENTS

By nonsensical | 26

#6704611 - Friday 21 October 2016 14:10

Think about it. You just made your whole house wet with your pussy.

By RichardPencil | 28

#6704612 - Friday 21 October 2016 14:11

That sucks.

I'm talking about vacuums!

Dilexar | 26

#6704842 - Saturday 22 October 2016 4:12

no.

By Soninuva | 41

#6704620 - Friday 21 October 2016 14:25

Normally you let the cat out of the bag, not scare it out of the box!

By SneakyDeath | 15

#6704621 - Friday 21 October 2016 14:25

This fml gave me a visual vision of the event.

ragnarok1540 | 39

#6704635 - Friday 21 October 2016 15:32

As opposed to an auditory, olfactory, or gustatory vision?

Dilexar | 26

#6704844 - Saturday 22 October 2016 4:15

olfactory or gustatory??? please tell me im not the only one that didnt get this

RichardPencil | 28

#6704864 - Saturday 22 October 2016 5:54

I got it

oxker | 7

#6704880 - Saturday 22 October 2016 7:39

Is your first language something other than English?

Dilexar | 26

#6704919 - Saturday 22 October 2016 13:03

ive just never heard of those terms before o.o

By Mudge | 11

#6704629 - Friday 21 October 2016 15:08

your cat must be a real pussy to get scared that easily

By Mightytall | 35

#6704630 - Friday 21 October 2016 15:12

Cat + vacuum cleaner is like dividing by zero.
No, just no ... bad things happen.

By Tripartita | 44

#6704631 - Friday 21 October 2016 15:17

You think it was mid-piss, but in fact the cat was exploiting Newton's second law: every action has an equal and opposite reaction (simplifying). The propulsion gained by pissing only facilitated the cat's speedy escape.

By KaD6 | 23

#6704633 - Friday 21 October 2016 15:20

You literally scared the piss out of your cat.

By buttcrackles | 9

#6704643 - Friday 21 October 2016 15:50

Ever heard of a run-on sentence?

By jeffprobs | 20

#6704670 - Friday 21 October 2016 17:01

I'm just imagining how confusing it must have been for the cat: "was that a snake??" "How did it get in my pee area?" "Do I call the police?" "Nah cats don't snitch" "How will I pee again!" "Outside? Like a dog, noooooooooooooo!"