Love: Today, I discovered I was at the same restaurant as my ex and... - FML

17/10/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, I discovered I was at the same restaurant as my ex and his new girlfriend. Quickly, I picked up my mother's phone when she wasn't looking, and began to pretend to talk to a fake new boyfriend. Few seconds later, the waiter loudly asked me if I was done talking into the calculator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 521

You deserved it 46 633

Good kid

Taking stock

Skinny issues

16/09/2009 08:25 - Australia

Today, my (now former) best friend kicked me out of the band I started because I wasn't 'dedicated enough' after a 3 day 'holiday' to visit my dying uncle. He also during this 3 day 'holiday' convinced my girl friend to leave me and date him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 871

You deserved it 3 433

05/12/2014 14:00 - Germany - Berlin

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 839

You deserved it 3 228

Not a cheating!

By Notcheating - 03/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 066

You deserved it 452

08/08/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I found out that worms in apples aren't something that you just see in cartoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 620

You deserved it 6 879

02/05/2012 16:22 - United States

Today, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 282

You deserved it 97 863

Take it down!

By steven - 28/06/2009 15:53 - Cayman Islands

Today, I had my first kiss standing in front of my front door. It was really cute, the way you normally think about first kisses. When I got inside, I realized my mom had been watching out of her second story bedroom window, taking pictures. She put them on Facebook captioned, "My baby's first kiss!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 194

You deserved it 7 272

Not mine!

By Anonymous - 21/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 551

You deserved it 216

19/06/2014 08:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I shouldn't have told my boss that I was interested in management. She now throws any problem she doesn't want to solve at me and either gets mad when I can't work it out or takes credit when I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 323

You deserved it 6 607

07/10/2011 09:07 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend asked my father for permission to marry me. My father refused, on the basis that I'm the only person in the house with a job, and if I leave he will have to start looking for work. My boyfriend won't marry me without his permission, and my lazy father won't change his mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 361

You deserved it 3 608

27/10/2013 19:52 - United States - Tacoma

Today, we found out that my unborn sibling is a girl, and my parents quickly named her. In a few years' time, "Candida" is going to catch all kinds of shit at school, just like I do for being named Dorothy. My "friends" have already started calling me "lil' yeast infection's sis". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 251

You deserved it 3 006

29/10/2010 12:02 - United States

Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: "I gotta work that day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 291

You deserved it 3 690

12/02/2010 11:39 - United Kingdom

Today, in my psychology class, we were given a sheet that had a list of stressful events and we were to select the ones we had experienced in the last 12 months. I got highest in my class of above an 80% chance of getting a life threatening illness due to stress. Everyone laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 350

You deserved it 3 196

The classic switcheroo

By Anonymous - 16/07/2021 16:01

Spicy

Today, I accidentally texted my very strict and judgemental mom instead of my boyfriend. The text said, "I wanna lick ice cream off your dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 428

You deserved it 1 268

13/09/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 741

You deserved it 13 839

16/09/2012 07:00 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I went out for lunch with a guy I hadn't seen in a couple of months. He seemed to be staring at my chest quite a bit, but I wasn't too bothered by it. Turns out there was still an XL sticker on my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 004

You deserved it 6 785

23/01/2010 06:34 - United States

Today, I made a Facebook under a guy's name and I'm sending myself wall posts just so it looks like I actually talk to a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 036

You deserved it 45 313

04/10/2010 19:59 - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 473

You deserved it 4 837

17/01/2014 16:24 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I realized that if you are dreaming that you have diarrhea, you probably have diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 959

You deserved it 4 406

07/03/2009 18:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were out to eat. The waiter came and asked what we wanted. My boyfriend said he wanted a cheeseburger and I told the waiter I'd have the same. My boyfriend looked at me and said, "Are you sure you don't want a salad?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 590

You deserved it 8 223

Sims

By Grace - 20/06/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, a close friend pointed out to me how ironic it is that I make the Sim version of myself work out to lose weight, while I sit on my fat ass playing video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 554

You deserved it 53 429

Open season

By Mapmouse - 27/01/2021 11:03

Today, I drove home to Las Vegas after being in quarantine in Los Angeles for two weeks. The lights were on and the lock was busted. My apartment is completely ransacked. Yay 2021. FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 67

It's a sign...

By Ohfknhell - 16/05/2018 05:00

Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 566

You deserved it 740

14/03/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 731

You deserved it 17 776

14/01/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 529

You deserved it 4 741

#rude

By friendless - 19/03/2018 11:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I invited my only friend to my birthday party and she said no, not because she couldn’t go, but because she didn’t want to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 743

You deserved it 399

06/12/2016 20:12

Today, I applied online for a position and typed, "OH&S Certificate." It autocorrected to, "OH&SHIT Certificate." I didn't notice until the site e-mailed me a copy of my completed application. They'd already received it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 999

You deserved it 1 985

09/11/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, my dad made me quit my online school classes and go back to public school, because apparently when I'm on the computer, it makes his video games lag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 041

You deserved it 5 864

16/08/2009 04:31 - Canada

Today, I was working at the theater as an Usher. A man comes up to me and gives me his ticket. At the same time, he takes a sip of water and suddenly felt the need to sneeze. The water came out from his nose and landed all over my face. I was covered with his mucus and had to wish him a good movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 875

You deserved it 2 667

12/02/2019 12:25 - United States - Aberdeen

Today, two days after sending her flowers for Valentine's Day, my dream girl asked me on a date. She didn't show up. Her boyfriend did though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 186

You deserved it 10 757

06/09/2012 13:45 - United States

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 855

You deserved it 2 005

Thanks for the support

By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 02:01

Today, I revealed to my parents that I'm planning on opening a food truck in the next few months. They both laughed in my face and said I'll never make any money. I've been working on this for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 042

You deserved it 119

24/02/2013 13:56 - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, while at work, my ex-boyfriend came in. I pretended not to see him, hoping he would just pass on by. No such luck. He stopped to tell me that he was there for orientation. My company hired him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 974

You deserved it 3 220

06/05/2009 14:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking a piss at the urinal when a fly started buzzing around my head. It started getting in my face, so I tried to swat it away. After about 10 seconds of intense swatting, I looked down to find I had pissed all over my shoes and down the front of my trousers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 908

You deserved it 61 695

Life goals

By BlackRose - 07/08/2021 18:01

Today, I realized I’d rather be the crazy cat lady rather than get married and have kids like a normal human. FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 278

11/04/2012 19:53 - United States - Hollywood

Spicy

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 005

You deserved it 38 696

31/12/2011 20:37 - United States

Today, my mom took my cell to work with her. When she got home later, she scolded me for not answering her calls. When I pointed out that she'd taken it, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 030

You deserved it 2 805

28/07/2011 06:18 - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 605

You deserved it 3 318

13/02/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, I was informed that my boyfriend's mother would be joining us on our Valentine's dinner. I'm not sure if this momma's boy thing is going to work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 914

You deserved it 3 549

Power tripping

By Anonymous - 05/02/2021 02:00

Today, I got my projects printed and spiral bound, only to get a text from my teacher 30 minutes later that everything must be in black and white. I paid extra money to have them in colour. When I asked her if colour was okay, she said, "I never asked for colour and I want it in black and white for everyone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 195

18/10/2012 16:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went out for a few drinks with some friends. All night, I kept smiling and showing off my newly brace-free teeth. Later on, one of my friends drunkly asked, "Why does she keep smiling? Her teeth are fucking jacked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 495

You deserved it 3 175

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Top comments

amitalegaonkar 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:06

No wonder he dumped you, dipshit.

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:23

YDI idiot also, you don't have your own phone to pretend to talk to someone with? that makes me think you're, like, 12 or under which makes it less of a big deal

Comments

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Saturday 17 October 2009 19:59

There are a lot of these "I saw my ex in a restaurant" stories. If we've learned one thing it's this: it never ends well if you pretend to hold phone conversations.

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:00

Haha, FAIL. XD

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:58

so agree...why was there a calculator with you at a resteraunt, are you that bad at math?

inconvienentgurl 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 0:13

they must have had the calculator to do the tip n all that. n wow u were jealous so u tried to make urself look good...hmm u kno there was an fml few days ago about the same thing. wat is w/ girls...if u rnt w/ the guy move on or just be urself. n wouldnt ur mother notice if u were talking "loudly into the calculator"?!?!?! duh! n wouldnt she have said something? wow n that was just sad to do that. if i were in ur place i would of just had a good time w/ my mom n let him do wat he wants. then again w/ me its his loss!

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Sunday 18 October 2009 1:00

I would call this a moderator fail, we had a basically identical FML LAST WEEK!

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Sunday 18 October 2009 6:15

Ohh geniuses... there is a calculator application on practically every cell phone. So... considering that it says "I picked up my mother's phone" I would say it's a safe bet that the story is implying that the waiter could probably see part of the screen and the calculator had probably accidentally been opened when she grabbed it. Otherwise the story would say "I picked up my mother's calculator..." Whether it's real or fake... use your brains when interpreting the story!

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Friday 23 October 2009 19:40

I doubt that. I'm guessing, in her haste to look cool, she grabbed what she thought was her mother's phone out of her mother's purse, and it turned out to be a calculator.

amitalegaonkar 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:06

No wonder he dumped you, dipshit.

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Sunday 18 October 2009 1:41

I love the fact that girls think this will work? You just look like a big ass fucking tool

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Sunday 18 October 2009 3:18

I'm sure it works on occasion. Just not with a calculator. Or when you forget to turn off the volume like the previous FML

No_fyl_cuz_ydi 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:08

so is having a fake boyfriend the cool new thing? I apparently missed that memo

StrickenNerve 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:10

YDI. Idiot.

jmacs 9

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 7:52

i used to think that YDI meant "you dumb idiot".

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:15

if this isn't fake (i hope it is) YDI for being retarded

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:19

What's up with doing that fake phone call thing? How about you just ignore them and leave it at that. Stupid.

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:23

YDI idiot also, you don't have your own phone to pretend to talk to someone with? that makes me think you're, like, 12 or under which makes it less of a big deal

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:25

I agree with #7

BlackScorpionAng 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 20:27

Ha ha ha ha If this isn't fake I hope the new girlfriend and the ex overheard everything and have lots of laughs telling everyone about this. Still something about this just doesn't add up...har har... alright, that was corny... but I had to go there... it sounds fake.

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Sunday 18 October 2009 3:20

I wouldn't have gotten the "adding up" thing if you hadn't made it obvious. But maybe that's a mutual fail.

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Monday 14 March 2011 7:56

haha u kick ass, add up- that was truly amazing

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 122

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 151

You deserved it 33

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 335

You deserved it 103