Miscellaneous: Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that...

By FMeeee - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

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Miscellaneous

Walk on the wild side

Mother of the year

Planned assault

By Anonymous

Today, I asked my wife who she would choose, me or the dog. She chose the dog. No hesitation. FML

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By beya - Canada

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

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By honk honk, fuckwad - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

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By baebookboo - United States - Lawrence

Today, I asked my mom about signing up for an online dating site. She took one look at me and said, "Why get rejected online when you can just go outside for the same?" FML

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By notamathematician - United States

Today, I told my mom I was 3 months pregnant, expecting her to be happy. Instead, she screamed that I was no longer her daughter and she never wanted to see me again before throwing me out of her house, because I got pregnant out of wedlock. Nice math mom. I've been married for 5 months. FML

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By Marika - United States - San Francisco

Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knocking at our window. Well played God, well played. FML

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By her0x3her0ine617 - United States

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

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By wasted_gas - United States - Cumming

Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML

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By allbrokeup - Norway - Stavanger

Today, while I was removing my makeup with my boyfriend watching, he mentioned that he used to think girls were prettier without makeup on, but he'd now changed his mind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I just found out that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend are rooming together at college. Visits are going to be extremely awkward. FML

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By Al - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

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By tacoboy27 - United States

Today, I found out that my father has taken my copy of Modern Warfare 3, and re-wrapped it as a Christmas present. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my husband rescued our daughter's cat from a tree. She spent the next hour clapping and telling me how much of a hero he was. Last night at 2am I was awoken by meowing and had to rescue the same cat from the same tree, in the dark, and halfway down he shit on me. No one called me a hero. FML

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By ari - United States

Wankers of the world unite!

Today, I found out why teenage boys have "Keep out" and "Please knock" signs on their bedroom doors. FML

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By Chris Chandler

Today, I was so parched I had to take way too long at the water fountain. I was drinking for so long a line started to form. As I finished my drink, the guy behind me puked on my back. FML

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By replaced - United States - Marietta

Today, my boss fired me because his girlfriend wanted the job I had. She has no experience whatsoever in my line of work, it was just his "anniversary present" for her. FML

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By I didn't though - United States

Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime, I had energy still, so I did push-ups. The guy was asleep or so I thought because he was facing the wall. The guy thought I was jacking off and told everyone I did it in the middle of our room. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, I finally figured out why I've been getting diarrhea so often over the past six months. It only happens whenever I do something "sneaky". My body reacts strongly to how I stress over potentially getting caught. I'm a private investigator, and I apparently need a new career. FML

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By SharpeOne

Today, I found out that my parents didn't come to my wedding not because they couldn't make it, but rather that my younger brother didn't want to go. FML

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By Ahlph

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a phone call out of the blue from a young man, who screamed that he was going to kill me for sleeping with his fiancée. I told him I am a 49-year-old man who hasn't been laid since my wife passed away, four years ago. He stammered, shouted "Well she was a slut too" and hung up. FML

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My long-distance partner came to visit me for the weekend. When he arrived he seemed moody and tired, and refused any kind of physical contact. Upset, I asked him what was wrong. Turns out he's mad for coming to see me because I've put on weight, making the trip a waste of his time. FML

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3527

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By imbx - United States

Today, I was at a pool party. My friend's little sister pushed me in the pool. When I got out, I pushed her in. She started screaming, and I started laughing because I thought she was pissed that I pushed her in. That wasn't why she was screaming. She can't swim. Her whole family witnessed it. FML

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By crappingrapping - United States

Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML

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By Anon - United States - Denton

Today, after nearly a year of being stalked, harassed and even terrorized, the police finally found out who my stalker was. It was my 19-year-old son, who thought it would be a fun prank to pull. FML

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By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Sofia

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, I'm dating the perfect guy. He's smart, considerate, charming, funny, good looking and we have a ton of interests in common. He also can't get it up. At all. FML

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By Dude - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to school after missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year. I got grilled in my first lesson by my teacher for "gallivanting around on holiday in some sunny place" when I should've been at school learning. My dad had died from liver cancer. FML

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By Bridget - United Kingdom

Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML

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By Kevin - 18/3/2021 21:30

Nutter on the bus

Today, some guy at the bus stop screamed at me because the bus was coming and I wasn’t wearing my mask. I was standing 25 feet from the stop finishing a smoke and there was no one around me. When I sat down on the bus, with my mask on, he stared me down the whole ride. FML

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818

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By lizzardbreath - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brothers wedding, and introduced me as "the one" to his entire family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I washed my face and grabbed the towel to dry it, I felt something moving down my forehead, thinking it was a drop of water. Upon looking in the mirror, I found it hadn't been a drop of water. Unless the water drop had legs and was gooey. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wailuku

Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML

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By Moody - United States

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

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By wtf - Canada

Today, I found out my wife isn't cheating. She says she's just getting older and sex isn't important anymore. She's 27. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML

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32683

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By me - United States

Today, a guy came by my house and demanded my fiancé come out and fight. He explained that my fiancé had been stupid enough to not only troll on a local interest forum, but to leave his name and our address, inviting people to "come shut me up if you think you're tough enough." FML

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By merpaderp14 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend found out it makes a funny fart sound when he blows hard into my mouth in the middle of making out. I can't get him to stop doing it every time we kiss. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a guy who annoys me walked over. To avoid speaking to him, I pretended to be on the phone and he walked away. A few moments later, my phone rang. I looked around to see if he'd seen me. He had. He was the one ringing me from down the hall. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Southport

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. Every 20 minutes or so, I'll get a notification that I have a new message, and I check it just to find that same message sitting there. I'm being trolled by my own phone. FML

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By Tor - United States

Today, I was in class and felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I began to scream and cry because the pain was horrible, so the teacher called 911. After being rushed to the hospital, I was told that "I had gas cramps and would be fine." My whole class was listening on speakerphone to make sure I was ok. FML

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Top comments

By Superwholock86 | 6

#5977754 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 0:45

Probably not the best timing.

By sweetest_jenn | 18

#5977759 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 0:46

Looks like your husband scored the first goal.

COMMENTS

By Superwholock86 | 6

#5977754 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 0:45

Probably not the best timing.

gjikvtj | 18

#5977802 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 1:12

Yeah, I agree, the next mention of the baby will probably go like "So Mom, what should I name the baby?
"What the hell?! What baby?"

GenaALazer | 22

#5977848 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 2:01

Or it isn't their first.
This was not ment to be a reply to that comment.

gjikvtj | 18

#5977855 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 2:14

Aiming to reply to #3?

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5978150 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 8:45

GOOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!...

htownpostman | 16

#5978161 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 8:59

Considering how big this soccer thing is, waiting till after would have def been better.. Especially if their team lost.. Would have majorly cheered them up!

91hayek | 31

#5978195 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 9:17

#25 depending on what happens this world cup, the baby is probably going to get a footballer's name. Even if its a girl; they'll just put the feminine form.

fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#5978247 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 10:26

Seriously #1? Knowing that you’re going to be a father, a grand-parent, uncle etc is not as exciting as watching soccer?

HanBroman | 20

#5978274 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:34

Definitely not the best timing since he was probably pissed off that Portugal was losing 4-0

Mandalay22 | 7

#5979038 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 3:08

Sorry was meant to be thumbs up lol

Shrekie_fml | 23

#6182504 - Saturday 24 January 2015 17:46

HEY!!!! ITS FOOTBALL

By rocker_chick23 | 27

#5977756 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 0:46

Congrats on the pregnancy, OP.

By sweetest_jenn | 18

#5977759 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 0:46

Looks like your husband scored the first goal.

By fml25281 | 7

#5977760 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 0:46

congrats on the pregnancy!! :)

By Tthug | 34

#5977763 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 0:47

It does only come once every 4 years...but that sucks. I'm sure they'll come around in the next...month.

AnOriginalName | 19

#5977972 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 4:40

At first I thought you meant babies only come around every four years, and I was thoroughly confused.

By saucyrossi | 18

#5977764 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 0:47

Your family has their priorities right

JonDG | 12

#5982300 - Friday 20 June 2014 21:47

how this got upvoted is beyond me. Football is not more important than the news of someone being pregnant, especially if they are a family member.

ava_jayy96 | 6

#5985772 - Monday 23 June 2014 17:32

Well I mean she did have the opportunity to pick when she told them. In the middle of a game probably wasn't the greatest idea. I don't bother any sports fan or any fan of anything if they're watching whatever it is that they're interested in.