Work: Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly woman's massaging shower head, when she said, "If I had a man like you, I wouldn't need this." She then gave me her number. FML

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48867

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Work

Messed up

BO Central

"Life is unfair…"

By xTRYSOFTx - 7/3/2020 03:00 - United States

Crime scene

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

456

You deserved it

1958

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By akosirm - Philippines

Today, I was going to a big concert at my university. I paid around a hundred twenty bucks for my ticket. Outside the venue, people were handing out the tickets. For free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34238

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13416

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 16:58

Thanks, government

Today, I'm at North Fort Hood deploying with the Army Reserves, where the motto is, "You'll prefer to be in Iraq." We're in COVID quarantine with over 100 people in our barracks. We may never get out of here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

801

You deserved it

114

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By TheFlash - United States

Today, I was down at Disney World. Me and my buddy decided to take our pictures in a photobooth. While in the tiny space, I thought it'd be funny to flash the camera. A women barged in as soon as I did so, screaming "You know there's an outside video feed, right!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12354

You deserved it

65399

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By mimimi - France

Today, I went swimming. While I was walking along side of the pool, everyone was staring at me. I began to think that my diet was really working. It was only an hour later, in the changing rooms, that I noticed the string from my Tampax that was sticking out of my swimming costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25858

You deserved it

5886

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By karen

I'm a meme

Today, as always, my name is Karen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1554

You deserved it

377

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By alerra - United States - Baton Rouge

Not mine

Today, my roommate's parents came over to our one room apartment. They found condom wrappers. My roommate tried to say they were mine. I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2209

You deserved it

229

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36345

You deserved it

8795

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By FML - United States

Today, I spent 4 hours carefully cleaning the inside and outside of my car. Fairly proud of the job I had done, I parked my car safely in my garage. Later, I opened my garage to find bird shit all over my car. Apparently birds get nervous when they get trapped in garages. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42591

You deserved it

5365

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By elcee1987 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24889

You deserved it

2257

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By Chub - United States

Today, the door to my daughter's room became jammed and wouldn't open while she was in the room. Being resourceful, I grabbed my ladder and climbed up to her window, only to end up stuck in her window. I'm not sure what was worse, getting stuck, or being laughed at by my neighbors for a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26039

You deserved it

8611

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By mainlaw - Ireland

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7961

You deserved it

47110

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By fuckface moron - 20/6/2020 02:17

Face value

Today, it was was my first day back at work as an esthetician. My first client refused to remove her face mask so I could perform the service. She demanded I just do her forehead, and that she’d only pay a third of the price since she’s only getting that part done. I refused and was written up by management. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1484

You deserved it

245

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By pissedandcomputerless - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44945

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8650

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By Notthemaid - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about how my fiancé has been ignoring me and that I didn't know why. Turns out, my mother told him that I was too much of a handful, was mentally disturbed and also cheating on him. Just so I wouldn't move out and would keep cleaning her house for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56391

You deserved it

2861

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By Anonymous - United States - Kokomo

Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46601

You deserved it

4428

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By Atypical - 2/3/2021 02:01

Mother of the year

Today, after a lifetime of struggles, I was finally officially diagnosed with ADHD. Thanks to years of ridicule, punishments, humiliation and even beatings over something I literally could not control, I also have terrible depression and anxiety. My mom still thinks I’m making it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

930

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By SSS - United Kingdom - London

Today, my brother put a sign on my car saying, "No baby on board, feel free to drive into me." Somebody did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1996

You deserved it

202

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By Gemma - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a portable speed camera on the highway and braked hard. I caused a 4 car pile-up and my car is totaled. It wasn't a speed camera. FML

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8138

You deserved it

60531

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By hulagirl1217 - United States

Today, a bee landed on my leg. I didn't realize it was there until my friend yelled out, "Bee!" kicked me in the leg, and ran off. I fell to the ground screaming and clutching my leg. She missed the bee and it still stung me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31481

You deserved it

2920

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Today, my bird learned how to mimic the fire alarm after my dad has been testing them for the last few months. He now enjoys sounding like a fire alarm anytime I turn the lights off with the other bird joining in. They live in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1917

You deserved it

256

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed that I have gained enough weight to give me back boobs. FML

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13759

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34590

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

34172

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By unemployed - United States - Modesto

Today, I walked out the back door of my place of employment and looked down to see a huge cockroach. This is quite a normal occurrence, so I thought nothing of it until I realized it was struggling to drag the corpse of one of its friends into the building. FML

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11124

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786

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By one cock too many - 4/8/2020 05:02

Who's been a naughty girl?

Today, I found out I’m the guy whose wife made adult films in college. Although embarrassed, I thought I may be able to get past it. Except for the fact that we dated in college, and she insisted we wait until after we were married to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2363

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By rolypoly - United Kingdom

Today, I achieved a personal goal by completing a half-marathon for charity, despite being overweight and unfit before training. When I finished I cried, not because I was proud of myself, but because I ran the last 2 miles while being followed by kids on bicycles calling me a "fat cunt". FML

I agree, your life sucks

71344

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5606

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By foreveralone - United States - Sherman

Today, I was talking to my best friend's brother after we drunkenly hooked up last night. I've had a crush on him for over a year. He ended up interrupting himself and said, "Please don't tell anyone about this. I don't want anyone to think we're dating or anything." FML

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34877

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By Anonymous - United States - Glen Allen

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find no toilet paper and a piece of shitty wallpaper in the bowl. FML

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29348

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By the other woman

Oops...

Today, I found out that the guy I lost my virginity to a few months ago was in a relationship the whole time. How did I find out? His now ex-girlfriend called to yell at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3974

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484

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By FuckMyEyes - Australia - Sydney

Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33623

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was straightening my hair for my Christmas Eve party. I put the hot straighter down on my bed for a second, and zoned out enough to sit squarely on it a few moments later. I now have burns on my ass cheek, and a six-hour party at which I can't even sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10166

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By Guilpie - Germany - Heidelberg

Today, I politely asked our overweight neighbour to park on her side of the garage. Three unsuccessful tries later, she drives out and parks on the street in a huff, and I'm now the world's biggest bastard because she can't legally park on her side and still open her door due to her size. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7321

You deserved it

713

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By Blah - United States

Today, I was lying in bed throwing a football in the air and catching it. I missed a catch, and the ball hit me between the legs. I shoved my hands down my pants because it hurt, just as my step-dad walked into the room and saw me holding my crotch and moaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35116

You deserved it

9126

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By lostintellct - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17191

You deserved it

51136

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By Julie - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43890

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4928

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I attended my son's Christmas concert. When I went to sit down in the last available seat, a woman said she was saving it for her husband. Having nowhere else to sit, I stood in the back, for an hour. The seat remained empty for the entire concert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36547

You deserved it

4123

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 20:02 - Australia

One-sided

Today, after I spent quite some time getting thoughtful gifts for my friend and her kids ahead of their visit, she made a big fuss about how she'd "forgotten" to bring the gift she'd bought for me. Later, she casually admitted that she'd intentionally not bought me anything because she, "didn't think I'd need it." FML

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879

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By Investing in Toilet Seatbelts - United States - Sparks

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35267

You deserved it

3606

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By breadcrumb - United States - Kansas City

Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24832

You deserved it

2082

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By imwrong - Philippines

Today, I met a guy who said he thinks he's in love with my sister. As a joke, I told him that my sister cheats on everyone. I get home to find my sister crying, because some 'person' told her boyfriend that she's cheating on him. FML

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9219

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Top comments

By xxsunshine | 0

#370856 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:04

ahah, wow.

so did you call her?

By Colby_Colbert | 0

#370889 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:09

hey ... it could be the best you ever have

COMMENTS

By xxsunshine | 0

#370856 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:04

ahah, wow.

so did you call her?

Martyrio14 | 0

#370957 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:32

haha, nice said, that just made this fml better XD

greenltrn2003 | 0

#371537 - Monday 6 July 2009 1:25

ahhh...I was gonna ask the same lmao

The_Unspool | 0

#373970 - Tuesday 7 July 2009 1:24

Too many clearly fake old lady FMLs.

SerbianGirl_fml | 0

#456763 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 19:25

Wow, that's disturbing. :D

hopper5101 | 11

#1094760 - Thursday 15 July 2010 19:43

lol

By monsterhospital | 0

#370878 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:06

nice mental image ;)

pelican2 | 0

#374574 - Tuesday 7 July 2009 5:05

yeah its so hot. Im getting hard just thinking about it

By bgukusa00 | 0

#370880 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:06

LOL haha omg i cant stop itz funny yeah so what did u with here number after alll and btw old people are soo disturbing sometimes

By hk_fml | 9

#370884 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:07

lmao xD Well good for her, I suppose.
Still going at it that old.

By token_blackguy | 18

#370885 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:08

how is this an fml? ydi for being a prude

jjjjessica | 0

#372060 - Monday 6 July 2009 5:47

yeahh i agree
it's not even bad.

spoo | 24

#373455 - Monday 6 July 2009 21:54

take the compliment and move on if you arent into it. YDI

By treli1593 | 0

#370887 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:08

LMAO. old people + shower heads + young cashiers. Never a good mix.

NDouglas | 0

#371248 - Sunday 5 July 2009 22:40

What makes you think the OP is young?

Maybe he's just as elderly as the customer, and it's FHL because he hasn't come to grips with the fact that he can't get the young 'uns anymore, and will have to settle for for the ladies his own age.

MwahFMLS | 6

#3607139 - Saturday 19 November 2011 23:20

Who cares, #45? He's hawt. :)

orange9494 | 0

#4510144 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:21

Ya, but how many elderly people do you see on FML?

By Colby_Colbert | 0

#370889 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:09

hey ... it could be the best you ever have

By meanie_monday | 0

#370894 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:10

Do you plan on calling her?

By Glam_fml | 0

#370908 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:14

Haha. I so hope I am like that when I get old - still getting off and still hitting on hot guys... Go Granny!

What, were you jealous because she is getting more than you?

By AAAAHHHH12 | 2

#370915 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:15

Maybe you looked like a handyman? bahaha ;P