Work: Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly woman's massaging shower head, when she said, "If I had a man like you, I wouldn't need this." She then gave me her number. FML

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Work

Another great day to be alive

Age difference

Walk on the wild side

By Anonymous

Rude awakening

Today, I was woken up at 4 in the morning by my boyfriend farting on my leg and giggling in his sleep. For the third time. FML

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1466

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By shadowfigure - United States

Today, I was doing karaoke with my girlfriend's family, when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone. FML

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24452

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8293

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By notattractiveatall - Australia - Newcastle

Today, two girls came up to me on the street and asked if they could take a photo with me for their high school scavenger hunt, because they needed a picture with a stranger. One of the girls shook her head and said to the other, "It needs to be an attractive stranger" and walked away. FML

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25695

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By Anonymous

Today, my child told me when she makes enough money to support herself, she's never going to speak to me again. FML

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3779

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1112

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By Asteria

Today, my dryer was finally repaired after not working for over a month. I did one load of laundry and my washer stopped working. Another day, another $400+ repair bill. FML

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2567

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152

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By beerpong26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML

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51452

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By Karlo Kračun

Poor Mr Nibbles

Today, my mom wanted to surprise me by buying me a hamster. When I got into her car, I was actually surprised and even said, "Hi" to the hamster. When we got home, the hamster was dead. FML

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By cheeseburglar_9000 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I learned that if not for my grandfather gifting my dad $200, I would have been named Anthrax. FML

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36694

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my own boyfriend admitted that he can't name one single thing he likes about me without naming something "physical." FML

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30695

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By Franco - United States

Today, I was sent to an elementary school for safety day. One of the dads was asking about my job, when I told him about the long hours and high stress involved. He turned to his son and said "Now see why you stay in school?" I'm a paramedic. With a bachelor's degree. FML

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57879

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By Dafawk

Today, I took my two-year-old out to dinner. During dinner, our son went to the bathroom three times. As we were getting ready to leave he kept saying he had to go potty. He had gone multiple times, so I thought he would be fine. As he stood up, a giant turd fell on the floor in front of everyone. FML

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By well, now what - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after he received a text with a bunch of hearts on it. After arguing, turns out it was from me. FML

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By meesmees - United States - Severna Park

Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a meal. In return, he hugged me and groped my ass. FML

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43724

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By Anonymous - Japan - Takarazuka

Today, as I walked out the door to head to class, my neighbour's kid threw a balloon at me, filled with some kind of foul-smelling liquid that he calls "liquid ass". I had a presentation 20 minutes later and couldn't get the smell off myself in time. FML

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41432

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3055

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By really? - United States

Today, I found a purse in the school bathroom. When I looked inside, there was an iPod along with some other expensive stuff in it. I took it to the office so the right owner would get it back. The owner passed me in the hall on the way there; she freaked out and punched me in the face. FML

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45631

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By Anonymous - Canada - Rosthern

Today, while at work, I went to unlock the washroom for a customer. Normally we don't allow customers to use the staff washrooms, so I was as surprised as the guy I found sitting on the toilet when I opened the door. FML

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37146

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By CA - Norway

Today, an elderly gentleman customer decided to tell me that while I'm not attractive at all, he'd still bang me all the same. Then he gave me a pained smile, like he was struggling not to shit himself, and left. I'm starting to hate working retail. FML

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23503

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By embarrassed - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

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20285

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By UnhappyLips

Today, the lip balms I ordered online finally arrived in the mail. After trying one out, my lips had an allergic reaction. It's a 4-pack. FML

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6785

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1008

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By Devin - United States

Today, I was roasting marshmallows around a campfire when mine burst into flames. I instinctively shook the stick to get it to go out. The flaming marshmallow then catapulted straight into my eye, burning my whole eyelid. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML

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30070

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By Unlovable

Ah, puppy love…

Today, I was texting my crush. He wasn’t really into the texts because he was barely replying, until he texted back calling me "baby." I got so excited, I almost cried, until he corrected himself and said that the text wasn’t for me. I cried. FML

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1561

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447

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By N1ch0la1 - South Africa

Today, while in the shower, my roomates thought it would be really funny if they threw my cat in with me. The doctor who gave me the stitches also thought so. FML

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51115

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By sobusy - United States - Romeoville

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

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26636

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By juli - Taiwan

Today, while I was driving my 27 year old boyfriend 8 hours to a Pokémon event, he realized he didn't bring his DS with him. He cried about it. FML

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45160

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By mcginnismr

Today, I went to the doctor's office, where my mother happens to work. When my doctor tried to prank her by saying I have chlamydia, my mother laughed and said she didn't believe it, adding, "Have you even seen the way she interacts with boys?" FML

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By thatguy - United States

Today, I bought a laptop so that I could have dirty video chats with my internet girlfriend. I got home only to find that the only place I can get a decent wifi signal is in front of my mom's room. FML

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9557

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By Anonymous - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my boyfriend's daughter asked me what would happen if she chose to stop urinating for two weeks. She wanted to know whether it would kill her or just start coming out of her mouth. She's 17-years old, and was deadly serious. FML

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39186

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By Robyn_mori - Canada

The difference

Today, I was shopping for socks and I went to look in the men's section. Dad said: "You don't want those, they are for men." I asked what the difference was? He looked around, and then leaned in and whispered: "Men have a penis!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomfield

Are you OK?

Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML

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15790

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By France Howell

Today, I rushed my wife to the ER because she was having abdominal pains. She was crying in the car and very faintly said, "If I die, our daughter goes to my sister and they get everything in my will." We later found out she was just having a bad gas problem. FML

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4745

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334

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By scared for life - United States

Today, I got to listen while my grandma, who has dementia and therefore a poor memory, explained to me why the old man on TV was a sex god. She forgot everything once she said it. I got to listen to her explanation five times over. FML

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By Levi2411 - 6/1/2021 11:01

Work is hell

Today, I had to do the job of 3 to 4 people. Spending the first half in the bakery by myself, I then had to run over to the deli and cook everything for the day while helping lines of customers. Why? Because 8 people are on Covid leave. Instead of shutting down the department, welcome to hell. FML

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966

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By ticked - Pakistan

Today, I was eating a packet of chips while watching TV. I saw a crumb on the table in front of me, so without thinking I picked it up and ate it. It wasn't a crumb. It was a tick. FML

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15526

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By tee - United States - Kansas City

Today, I found out people are suspicious of me at work because I do a good job. FML

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14161

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By I have wood - United States - Stephenville

Today, my room mate told all of our mutual friends that he had walked in on me doing woodwork in my room. They all thought he meant he had caught me rubbing one out. I'm actually building a guitar. FML

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52238

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I gave a homeless man my last bit of spare change so he could get on the bus. Just as I was about to get on too, I realized I'd lost my bus card. I had to get off the bus and watch as the man waved at me through the window. FML

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By momma6126 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law is house hunting in my town. There is a house for sale 2 doors down from me. In her price range. FML

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35493

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By Host grandfather - United States - Tampa

Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by putting a post-it note on my locker that said "consider yourself dumped". FML

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Top comments

By xxsunshine | 0

#370856 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:04

ahah, wow.

so did you call her?

By Colby_Colbert | 0

#370889 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:09

hey ... it could be the best you ever have

COMMENTS

By xxsunshine | 0

#370856 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:04

ahah, wow.

so did you call her?

Martyrio14 | 0

#370957 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:32

haha, nice said, that just made this fml better XD

greenltrn2003 | 0

#371537 - Monday 6 July 2009 1:25

ahhh...I was gonna ask the same lmao

The_Unspool | 0

#373970 - Tuesday 7 July 2009 1:24

Too many clearly fake old lady FMLs.

SerbianGirl_fml | 0

#456763 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 19:25

Wow, that's disturbing. :D

hopper5101 | 11

#1094760 - Thursday 15 July 2010 19:43

lol

By monsterhospital | 0

#370878 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:06

nice mental image ;)

pelican2 | 0

#374574 - Tuesday 7 July 2009 5:05

yeah its so hot. Im getting hard just thinking about it

By bgukusa00 | 0

#370880 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:06

LOL haha omg i cant stop itz funny yeah so what did u with here number after alll and btw old people are soo disturbing sometimes

By hk_fml | 9

#370884 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:07

lmao xD Well good for her, I suppose.
Still going at it that old.

By token_blackguy | 18

#370885 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:08

how is this an fml? ydi for being a prude

jjjjessica | 0

#372060 - Monday 6 July 2009 5:47

yeahh i agree
it's not even bad.

spoo | 24

#373455 - Monday 6 July 2009 21:54

take the compliment and move on if you arent into it. YDI

By treli1593 | 0

#370887 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:08

LMAO. old people + shower heads + young cashiers. Never a good mix.

NDouglas | 0

#371248 - Sunday 5 July 2009 22:40

What makes you think the OP is young?

Maybe he's just as elderly as the customer, and it's FHL because he hasn't come to grips with the fact that he can't get the young 'uns anymore, and will have to settle for for the ladies his own age.

MwahFMLS | 6

#3607139 - Saturday 19 November 2011 23:20

Who cares, #45? He's hawt. :)

orange9494 | 0

#4510144 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:21

Ya, but how many elderly people do you see on FML?

By Colby_Colbert | 0

#370889 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:09

hey ... it could be the best you ever have

By meanie_monday | 0

#370894 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:10

Do you plan on calling her?

By Glam_fml | 0

#370908 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:14

Haha. I so hope I am like that when I get old - still getting off and still hitting on hot guys... Go Granny!

What, were you jealous because she is getting more than you?

By AAAAHHHH12 | 2

#370915 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:15

Maybe you looked like a handyman? bahaha ;P