Today, I came home to my wife practising biting her lip in the mirror. Fuck you, Fifty Shades of Grey. FML
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Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Same thing different taste
Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML
Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position. He was watching Twilight. FML
Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML
Read and learn
Today, I had to endure my girlfriend crying and screaming at me. The reason? I'm not able to please her like the fictional character Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. When she left me, she took all her stuff and left me with copies of the three books. FML
Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML
My love language is…
Today, I asked my wife for a kiss. She snarled, "I'm your WIFE, just fucking kiss me! You don't have to ask!" Later, I went in for a kiss and she slapped me, then yelled that it was my fault for "getting in her face." FML
You what now?
Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML
Touch crowd
Today, I got home from work and was immediately greeted by my wife following me around, moaning and complaining endlessly. I got so fed up that I went into the fridge, cut some cheese, and gave it to her, saying, "Some cheese to go with the whine." She broke the plate over my head. It was worth it. FML
Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML
Today, I watched my girlfriend slowly floss her teeth, and then eat what showed up on the floss. FML
Top comments
RealTalk0 7
She's doing it for you, buddy. I'd be flattered.
Volcan_fml 22
So your wife thinks she's Kristen Stewart now?
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Comments (219)
drkate25 30
She needs to PRACTICE this? ... I'm sorry OP, you married a very special woman...
MissEmma_fml 22
If it's gonna look good it needs practice. Who wants to see their wife nomming their own face off trying to look sexy?
gc327072 31
Oppa bath salts style!
zen1979 16
'special' with a capital 'R'.....
spaboolly 26
This is why we should choose our mates very carefully. The fact that she read that trashy "novel" is bad enough. To think it's believable enough to try to bring into real life? And practice it? Oh lord....
DjeePee 25
She isn't the only one to read that book, you know? I've read somewhere that it has sold more copies than The Deadly Hallows. I'm actually quite interested in it as well, just to see where the fuss is about... Anyway, normally a lot of people here are complaining that women do nothing in bed, are boring, have no sexdrive... but when a woman does want to seduce her hubby, it's also not good. Make up your minds people. No matter how bad a book is, if it gets you a better sex life, I wouldn't complain too hard.
guckylynn 19
I'm finishing my masters degree in teaching and creative writing and I read it. It's nothing special and I honestly don't get the appeal, but I still read it to see what the fuss was about. It's just something bored women who are too afraid to talk about what gets them of read to get their thrills. They're not hurting anyone by wanting to experiment with their sex lives.
Mandeeplease 6
It's "Deathly" Hallows.
DjeePee 25
Sorry, never understood the difference between dead and death.
zil05 4
It's not the difference in the words themselves its the proper title of the book "Harry Potter and the DEATHLY Hallows"
doodlecloud 27
So...you have a masters degree in creative writing AND you managed to finish that crap? Something's not adding up right here...
rattusrattus 19
@58 The appeal is reading it with your friends, setting up an appropriate soundboard for all the stupid, repetitive stuff in it. For example, George Takei saying 'oh my', the sound of a toilet flushing, the sound of meat cooking, and "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION" (seriously, she keeps banging on about various people giving her the [full name] inquisition... what...) Because seriously, the author cannot write. The story is dull, the characters really stupid, and she does not know how to use the common comma.
guckylynn 19
What doesn't add up? I'm open to seeing what people view as a "good" book these days. I myself did not enjoy the book, and have discussed why with fellow professors at my college. I'm also not the only one who has read it as an attempt to understand. It was in no way well written or developed, but people like it, and that is not for a literary value. People enjoy it purely for the sexual fascination as something they see dangerous and exciting.
erikabt820 2
I love how a woman with a masters degree in teaching and creating writing doesn't know the difference between off and of!
rattusrattus 19
Don't judge all of us creative writing lot by her, please. For instance, I understand it's a bad thing when the phrase "published fanfiction" stops being an insult and starts being an accurate description of a book series.
guckylynn 19
I could also point out the error in your post, but instead, let me give my apologies for being human and having a typo. Sheesh.
flockz 20
a meteor hit their house killing both of them instantly, but somehow leaving the copy of Fifty Shades of Grey completely unscathed on the shelf. **** you, meteor.
krisanda 5
I'm all about "going against the crowd" when it comes to stupid fads such as Twilight, skinny jeans and the Biebs, but at least I give them a fair shot before I write them off. I read all 3 books in the 50 shades of grey trilogy and hell yeah, they're awesome. Maybe try actually reading a chapter or two before you immediately hate it due to its popularity. Hell, it might even help some of you get laid. lol
1happymummy 14
I doubt it'll help anyone get laid, if a man saw a woman slipping that book into her bag he'd probably think 'ugh, hell NO!'
GothickNihilist 15
There are far better BDSM literature out there.. The fifty shades trilogy is an abomination to fiction , and one of the most unrealistic portrayals of a real relationship. Those books are not worth the paper they're written on. Try looking up BDSM fiction on google or Wikipedia . Have a nice day.
EpicBlondie89 19
So you like the fact that he's a sadistic asshole that every girl should run away from and not marry?
TheDrudgeChild 4
37 - the actual BDSM community hates 50 Shades, im ashamed that's what people think BDSM is.
lelo007 11
I actually tried to read it before judging it, I really did. It's trash, not because of the sex in it, but it is poorly written. Mrs. E. L. James needs to learn what the hell a thesaurus is. I love BDSM novels, reading does it for me, but this... No, I cringed at every mention of the word "murmured" or "mumbled." Maybe try to read a real novel before saying this is an "awesome" one.
GothickNihilist 15
45 I know that it is not a accurate portrayal of a master / slave relationship. Although I don't practice BDSM , I have read real books like the claiming of sleeping beauty, the story of O, and Ai no Kusabi . It sickens me that these real portrayals are under the radar , while poor unrealistic visions of a rather large community is not in the spotlight. I wish that more people would look for true portrayals rather than judging a community based on poorly written inaccurate crap. I'm glad that someone else , who knows what they are talking about is commenting . Have a nice day.
evilplatypus 39
21 - Why deliberately go with or against a fad, whether its "stupid" or not? Do what you enjoy! Be your own damn person.
hellya14 0
Agree...every novel is not for everyone. Do what you like, read what you want and enjoy your own life. If this book turned my wife on, I'd just be happy to reap the benefits and wouldn't bitch about it....
Gallifreyian 5
I actually can't tell if I want her to START using a thesaurus or STOP using one. Some parts sound like she just picked the first random word that popped up. I think at one point the book says "I turned the color of communist manifesto" instead of "I blushed". I definitely burst out laughing haha.
your_ma 27
21 - what makes you think none of us have given 50 Shades of Shagging a chance? It's poorly written so I don't like it, and also not all of us are sad repressed housewives who need a badly written trilogy of fiction books to inspire us to get laid..
doodlecloud 27
Wow 21. 1. Most decent people aren't really too fussed about liking the same thing or going against the crowd. The people who do are either sheep or hipsters and don't really need your recognition. 2. Skinny jeans are fine so long as you're actually skinny. 3. Most people badmouthing 50 Shades have read either the entire book or a synopsis and extracts (few people have read none at all as it's annoyingly hard to escape). They just still think it's crap.
LennyComa 39
1.Twilight books annoy the shit out of me. I tried really hard to get into them then stone faced Kirstin and Robert Footface starred in the "movie" and now I can't stand it. 2. Skinny jeans don't wear em so don't care. 3. Beibs or Beibelzibub as I believe it prefers to be called is just a waste of time, no more no less. 4. I read one book of this "Mommy ****" and it seems to be written by a high school dropout with incorrect punctuation and inflections. No sense of research into the BDSM fettish scene, no character development or story arc. Just man meets young woman, fisting, finish. How that will get me laid is uncertain but my girlfriend seems unworried
krisanda 5
After all is said and done with the future film, book sales and miscellaneous merchandise, E.L James will have made more $$$$ than any of us will ever see. I think that's pretty awesome ;) If you didn't like the books, don't read em. It's that simple.
evilplatypus 39
197 - John Gotti made more money than I ever will. That does not make him "awesome" or make what he did "awesome".
photogfrog 13
There is much better BDSM out there, but I'll wager that reading 50 Shades of Gray was your first go round.
Welshite 40
It's because Fifty Shades of Gray is the literary equivalent of a cockroach and nearly indestructible.
ashleynjx 6
how do you know she wasn't just biting her lip!
SkoomaKi 28
She was in front of a mirror. I think it's safe to say she was practicing.
monagro 22
So she's trying to learn to be more sexy, and you're complaining?
OceanBlueSea 12
Haha I love that series!!!
GothickNihilist 15
Seriously? If you want good BDSM literature read the sleeping beauty trilogy , or the story of O.. Those are quality . Disclaimer " do not read if you have a weak psyche . May cause vomiting or loss of faith in humanity. You were warned."
OceanBlueSea 12
I read plenty of good literature on my own thank you; Emily Bronte, Jane Austen, Shakespeare, and plenty of others. I just thought I would read something I don't usually read and I liked it, thanks for the "advice" though I'll take it into consideration.
EpicBlondie89 19
It's a book series that should show young women everywhere what to run away from in a guy. You liked it? Wow.
kittygirl21 5
EpicBlondie And who are you? Some famous author? You think your opinions matter that much? Think again.
OceanBlueSea 12
Epicblondie. Have you even read the series? He's not a bad guy in the end. He changes.
EpicBlondie89 19
21, no. I'm a woman who has self respect, and wouldn't put up with "Christian Grey". 82, yes i read them. Horrible waste of time. It's not romance, it's not even decent BDSM. It's about a guy who likes to control everything in his life. If Anastasia was a real woman, with self esteem and respect, she would have run away quickly
OceanBlueSea 12
Your right, but like in twilight she had no self esteem or perseverance.
OceanBlueSea 12
The author simply wanted to write a novel based off of twilight that was ridiculous and, yes, trashy. Mission accomplished for her, but she didn't expect it to hit the fan like it did. Your still right though about the respect for herself, which I do indeed have for the record. *this was supposed to be on my above comment but ran out of edit time*
GothickNihilist 15
Curse that poorly written piece of trash, and what it has done to society.
EpicBlondie89 19
Have you mentioned to her that the books are idiotic and do not qualify as romance? If she really wants a 50 shades experience try telling her where she can and can't go and who she can see. Give her the real thing.
lelo007 11
I had a boyfriend who tried that once. He wanted to play crazy, so I played back. Put a tracker on his cell phone, car, called and texted constantly, snooped through his phone, would show up to his guys' nights. He lasted a month, but I didn't have to worry about somebody telling me what I could and couldn't do.
EpicBlondie89 19
Why not just dump him? Lot less effort and you don't have to "play crazy".
lelo007 11
It was more fun to play with him a little bit. He was one of those who needed to be taught a lesson.. A real douche.