Love: Today, I came home to my wife practising biting her lip in the... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 605

You deserved it 99

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 593

You deserved it 40

01/10/2012 15:02

Today, I came home to my wife practising biting her lip in the mirror. Fuck you, Fifty Shades of Grey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 772

You deserved it 4 105

Stop talking!

Good kid

Hey stinky!

09/02/2010 15:43

Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 573

You deserved it 2 953

25/02/2013 03:41

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 331

You deserved it 57 497

08/08/2011 23:58

Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 365

You deserved it 15 801

23/12/2009 01:09

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 925

You deserved it 5 361

07/12/2015 13:28

Today, my dad read that if you pass gas from both ends at the same time it will create a vacuum inside your body and you'll implode. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 300

You deserved it 1 670

17/04/2009 16:49

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 117

You deserved it 108 059

16/05/2013 20:54

Spicy

Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 187

You deserved it 9 419

Right under your nose

By Anonymous - 03/02/2021 01:56

Today, my husband took our 5-month-old to the doctor, who diagnosed him with a severe sinus blockage and referred us to a specialist. This is the third major health problem with our son that our husband has picked up before I did. My job? I’m a nurse in a paediatric clinic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 660

16/01/2019 12:00

Today, for the first time ever, I was able to have a good hair day without blow drying it or using product. Or so I thought. The first words my mom spoke to me when I came downstairs were “Go fix your hair.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 132

You deserved it 234

Unreasonable

By Dano - 07/08/2021 10:01

Today, I was fired from my job for not buying a pack of cigarettes for my boss. I only lasted two months in that junkyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 63

13/09/2013 21:31

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 733

You deserved it 12 498

Freudian intensifies

By mouthwash - 11/11/2014 05:05

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 685

You deserved it 4 588

21/10/2017 08:00

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 617

You deserved it 486

31/07/2016 05:53

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 692

You deserved it 1 977

29/08/2018 03:30

Today, I got absolutely hammered and noticed this familiar-looking chick. I walked up to her and said, "Oh my god, I know I know you but I don't know where from." Looking annoyed, she replied, "We've worked together for months." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 2 728

21/12/2010 16:18

Spicy

Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 754

You deserved it 5 631

13/05/2011 04:02

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He asked for my license and registration so I reached for my center console. I was then greeted with a gun to my ear because my coffee cup supposedly looked like a gun. I stepped out of my car to apologize and I was hit with a big stick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 104

You deserved it 9 258

10/06/2009 23:07

Spicy

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 589

You deserved it 5 558

31/03/2016 23:43

Today, my boyfriend's parents decided that I was untrustworthy and that if they ever saw him with me he'd be heavily punished. They're travelling hundreds of miles just to make sure he stays in the house and doesn't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 656

You deserved it 1 527

21/09/2017 07:00

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to watch a movie with myself and a few friends. He got drunk, talked during the entire movie, fell into and broke my fan and then threw up all over my roommate's bathroom. He is still leaning over the toilet and my fan sounds like a woodpecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 048

You deserved it 502

03/02/2010 05:03

Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was 2, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 387

You deserved it 2 958

25/09/2015 04:43

Today, I told my grandma my boyfriend had cheated on me. She told me that it was my fault for not straightening my hair, and for gaining a few pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 448

You deserved it 2 887

28/06/2013 23:22

Today, a group of friends and I went out to a fancy club together. The doorman checked us out and let everyone in. Everyone except me, that is. The doorman's reason: "Her face looks like a baboon's arse." My "friends" all went in anyway, leaving me to walk all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 912

You deserved it 4 851

28/10/2014 14:07

Today, I was getting a pedicure to cheer myself up. I've been so lonely, I got overly excited when someone sat next to me, because I got to pretend I had a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 968

You deserved it 4 319

11/11/2012 18:50

Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 877

You deserved it 6 277

Does it taste good?

By Oregon - 04/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend was fingering me, he accidentally pulled out my NuvaRing, he then licked it off and placed it back inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 720

You deserved it 494

25/11/2016 15:20

Today, I was so desperate for a friend that I posted a Craigslist ad to find one. Now my phone's filled with spam and I still don't have any friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 610

You deserved it 2 781

23/11/2009 22:12

Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 553

You deserved it 5 049

23/07/2015 19:00

Today, my boss called me in to have a serious talk. The "serious talk" was him asking me to notify him of my menstrual cycle ahead of time so he can "avoid that shit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 072

You deserved it 2 882

27/02/2015 22:23

Today, my hiccups got so intense that I threw up in the middle of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 342

You deserved it 2 616

Iron Chef America

By Anonymous - 05/01/2021 19:59

Today, I thought about trying something "new", so I put raspberry preserves and maple syrup on my waffles. It tasted like cough medicine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 504

You deserved it 385

17/01/2017 18:00

Today, I was heading out for lunch, and a co-worker asked me if I would pick up their pizza. I said yes, because, why not? Just as I arrived, they texted to inform me that the pizza was under the name "Anita Luong Duong". FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 236

You deserved it 755

Let it all hang out

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 14:01

Today, my mom was pulling up weeds on the terrace while wearing gardening gloves. Why is that worth mentioning? Because that's literally all she was wearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 005

You deserved it 78

16/04/2009 05:08

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw a cop come up behind me. Nervous about my expired license, I kept checking in my rear view mirror. In turn since I wasn't paying attention, I ran a stop sign. Needless to say the cop pulled me over and gave me 2 tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 546

You deserved it 67 937

05/08/2016 16:57

Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 139

You deserved it 1 852

05/08/2013 05:33

Today, I found out that the messages about the issues in my sex life that I'd been sending to my best friend had been sent to my mother via iMessage. She's coming over for dinner tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 971

You deserved it 8 978

19/06/2012 20:59

Today, I realized that the only times I get to hang out with my friends outside of school are when one of them accidentally mentions plans in front of me and they are obligated by social protocol to invite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 637

You deserved it 3 227

15/10/2012 04:07

Today, I told my daughter that she won't be going to her homecoming dance as punishment for her terrible grades. She's been crying and singing "If I Die Young" in her room for hours. At this point, I don't know if I need to call a therapist or a vocal coach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 478

You deserved it 10 126

04/02/2019 20:00

Today, I was using the restroom at work when my glasses slipped off my face and landed right in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 424

You deserved it 303

10/12/2010 03:19

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 239

You deserved it 86 117

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Top comments

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Monday 1 October 2012 18:55

She's doing it for you, buddy. I'd be flattered.

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Monday 1 October 2012 18:54

So your wife thinks she's Kristen Stewart now?

Comments

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Monday 1 October 2012 18:54

So your wife thinks she's Kristen Stewart now?

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Monday 1 October 2012 18:59

Yes. But she still uses more facial expressions than her.

sincerelyjay 13

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Monday 1 October 2012 20:59

#1 Totally irrelevant but, who is your profile picture of?

rageandlove13 8

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Monday 1 October 2012 21:45

69- actually, it's pretty relevant.

Monday 1 October 2012 21:45

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Monday 1 October 2012 22:00

87, Unless you're using the app, which doesn't have private messaging.

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Monday 1 October 2012 22:04

93 that's true. Completely forgot about that.

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Monday 1 October 2012 23:13

69-it's Edie Sedgwick

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 2:07

What makes you think that Kristen Stewart has anything to do with 50 shades???

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 2:51

135 - Because Fifty Shades of Grey is basically a porn fan fic based on Twilight.

sportcrazychick4 7

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 5:43

Your very true!! :)

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 6:47

^Soon.

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 20:07

that irritates me so much in the books! and the ridiculous amount of times grey runs his hands through his hair. who actually does that?

eat_this_buddie 5

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 5:14

^ I agree

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Monday 1 October 2012 18:55

She's doing it for you, buddy. I'd be flattered.

MagicGiraffe 12

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Monday 1 October 2012 23:15

My favorite was the 50 Shades of Grey picture book

onlychildFTW 33

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 4:31

What about the funny book "50 shames of earl grey" Haha

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 4:59

Personally, I enjoyed the pop up.

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Monday 1 October 2012 18:55

Hey, it's better then someone else bitting we lip.

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Monday 1 October 2012 19:09

Haha I just read that. My spell check got the best of me once again!

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Monday 1 October 2012 19:12

What I meant was, "bitting her lip."

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Monday 1 October 2012 19:14

Fail...again.

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Monday 1 October 2012 19:56

Yes! I bite we lip all the time! -no one ever.

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Monday 1 October 2012 20:44

I thought one of you would catch the mistake, but for reference here you go. I hope it helps. The bitter biting locksmith used a bitting to make the key’s bit. I swear, sometimes spelling mistakes just make me want to slam my head against a ship bitt in frustration.

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Monday 1 October 2012 20:52

62 - I'm not sure how no one else caught the way he tried to spell biting. Ha. Kudos to you.

mylifesucks_fml 1

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Monday 1 October 2012 23:46

It all sounded like someone with an irish accent to me at first considering their english... am i the only one?

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 1:10

You guys all managed to miss the use of "then" instead of "than" too? Things have really gone downhill around here on the Grammar Nazi front.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 4:18

4 is Scottish, they meant wee lip, as in small

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Monday 1 October 2012 18:56

*darkened expression* tell her to stop it before I bend her over...and push her off a cliff.

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Monday 1 October 2012 20:17

Im waiting for her to get pushed off of me...

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Monday 1 October 2012 20:25

This made me laugh so hard omg xD

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 5:05

Lol, best come back comment EVER... AWESOME...

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 8:06

Kind words, I thank you both

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 15:16



anythingmustbe 18

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Monday 1 October 2012 18:57

Fifty shade's of grey the Twilight for adults. Both badly written. Both fail romance stories.

fleur_de_fevrier_fml 22

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Monday 1 October 2012 21:10

Well it was a Twilight fanfiction that the publisher tweaked to make a book out of it. I read a few pages, it is as lame and poorly written as Twilight... I don't get that rubbish like that are published when they are very good authors out there who struggle.

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Monday 1 October 2012 21:58

No sir, the 50 shades of gray for adults is the Song of Ice and Fire series. It's like putting the Sopranos in Middle Earth while filing a porno without the shitty actors. It's goddam beautiful.

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Monday 1 October 2012 22:04

Still a better love story than twi...wait a god damn minute it isn't. They're both terrible.

rattusrattus 18

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Monday 1 October 2012 22:38

Fifty Shades of Grey: At last, something Twilight is a better love story than!

anythingmustbe 18

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Monday 1 October 2012 23:33

#91 If your going to correct me at least spell the name of the book right...

sirpantselot 22

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 0:27

117, that's a bit rich from someone who didn't spell it right in the first place...

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 3:48

How did I spell it wrong? That's the name of the series... If you are referring to "gray", I'm on a phone and the autocorrect changes "grey" to "gray". My apologies. Also I don't know why I'm getting so many thumbs down. The Song of Ice and Fire series is one of the best I've ever read.

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 4:11

I can't take you seriously with a My Little Pony icon.

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 4:42

146- It's called a not needed apostrophe and incorrect capitalization. It would be "Fifty Shades of Grey" not "Fifty shade's of grey".

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 8:37

your picture goes so good with that comment

fthku 13

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 11:29

50 Shades of Grey for adults is the ASOIAF series? The FUCK? How can you even think about comparing them?

sarahannewrap 7

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 13:22

Believe it or not, 50 shades was actually a fan fiction for twilight at first.

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 14:15

Fifty shades is like twilight, but with spankings lol

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 20:57

50 shade is what?

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Monday 20 April 2015 4:43

#91 The sopranos and middle earth filming a porno... wait what the fuck?

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Monday 20 April 2015 4:44

#91 The sopranos in middle earth while filming a porno... wait what the fuck?

xInwex 12

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Monday 1 October 2012 18:58

I'll never understand this 50 shades of grey crap. I feel like I'm losing brain cells just mentioning it

secret_ninja_gal 12

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Monday 1 October 2012 21:48

LOLOLOL this made my day.

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Monday 1 October 2012 22:34

Then you should probably get a life.

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Monday 1 October 2012 18:59

Lip biting is sexy though :P

UsernameHere234 13

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 10:25

I agree. My fiancee has always done it (she hates the idea of fifty shades of grey and books like it) and it turns me on. I don't know why your getting so many down votes

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Monday 1 October 2012 19:00

I loveeee a little nibble here and there. But I don't bite myself. Is it supposed to be sexy?

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Monday 1 October 2012 19:01

I bite my lip all the damned time when I'm chewing. Why the hell would she need to practice? Is lip biting considered difficult?

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Monday 1 October 2012 19:39

It is when you wanna do it intentionally. You can't make it hurt on purpose.

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Monday 1 October 2012 19:55

Yes I can

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Monday 1 October 2012 21:07

You have absolutely no pain tolerance, then. I can draw blood from my own lips and arms with my teeth without a second thought, and no, I'm not a masochist or an emo kid.

siberianhamster 17

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Monday 1 October 2012 21:27

...just a fucking idiot.

realSlimjimShady 7

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Monday 1 October 2012 23:30

I don't think doctors are supposed to chew DocBastard don't u have pamphlets on that

hunterfisher98 8

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 0:00

Bravo siberianhamster, I salute you.

skullofdarkness 18

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 1:57

Siberianhampster: you sir (or madam) are awesome. And I totally agree with you. XD

ClaremoreZebra 8

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 3:02

Yeah, I just did. Thanks a lot liar, now my lip won't stop hurting.

eatdemcupcakes 4

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 23:53

73-what's wrong with masochist?

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Monday 1 October 2012 19:03

Were you trying to get first comment without being obvious? I think you failed both.