Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and...

By Anonymous - 14/11/2014 02:14 - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

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Animals

Messed up

Recycling helps

Bad news

By Daemon - 27/10/2008 04:57 - France

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

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By max - 23/10/2014 23:30 - United States

Today, my wife got a new best-friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2012 06:06 - United States - Friendswood

Today, I brought a boy over to my house to help with a history project. My mom suddenly swooped in and bombarded him with questions about his and my sex life, and how she wants to have exactly four grandchildren. FML

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By Ohkourt - 20/4/2020 05:00

Mommy dearest

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, my nephew spent a long while enthusiastically telling me how amazing his new 3D TV system is. I felt his pain as his face turned white when he remembered that I'm blind in one eye since birth. FML

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By Tony - 18/10/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, I woke up to people in the parking lot screaming "everybody wake up". They've been doing this at 7 every morning since I moved in 3 months ago. FML

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By car keyer - 2/12/2013 06:41 - United States - Mary Esther

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

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By zero_minded12 - 21/5/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was at the mall blasting music. I was wearing a nice shirt, and had my iPod in my breast pocket. I noticed a cute girl smiling at me, so I smiled back and as she started to walk over, I turned down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML

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By GasFromThePast - 24/11/2018 16:40 - United States - Cambridge

Today, I smelled gas when entering my apartment. I checked everything and then left to seek help. I was told to call 911, which resulted in two firetrucks and 10+ firefighters, one of which was my high school sweetheart, entering my messy apartment and finding nothing wrong. FML

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By last time I drive stoned - 8/12/2012 17:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was stuck at a red light on an empty road for ten minutes before I finally realised that not only was I looking at the wrong traffic light, it was also broken. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2014 04:12 - United States - Woodland

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

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By GetFuzzy - 18/10/2019 12:00

Coach Class

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

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By Benji - 20/5/2009 19:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a Mars bar. I said that would be great and she threw one at me, catching me off guard. The Mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

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By ginger - 19/8/2011 10:38 - New Zealand

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend because he is tired of everyone giving him shit about my ginger hair. FML

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By Anon - 14/8/2016 10:58 - United States - Tracy

Today, a cute guy came up to me and asked for my phone number. I was super excited and began to write it down when he said, "It doesn't have to be your real number, I'm not gonna call anyway." I still gave him my real number. FML

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By Noname - 27/2/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML

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By imwrong - 10/2/2009 11:59 - Philippines

Today, I met a guy who said he thinks he's in love with my sister. As a joke, I told him that my sister cheats on everyone. I get home to find my sister crying, because some 'person' told her boyfriend that she's cheating on him. FML

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By KittyNeko - 28/12/2010 06:26 - United States

Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML

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By Zoey - 9/2/2012 15:17 - Canada

Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2015 12:18

Today, I woke up at 7, got to college by 7:40 to receive an email that my 8:00 a.m. class got cancelled. I stayed there until 12:00 p.m. for my second class, to then find out that the cancelled class was the one at 12:00, not 8:00. FML

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By TimeWasted - 22/9/2020 14:04 - United States - Tallahassee

Out of the frying pan

Today, after I got hired on at a new job with perfect hours and pay, worked my two-week notice at my old job, now one week into new job, they let me go because they’re overstaffed and I’m the newest hire. FML

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By jordy1995 - 16/7/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, I found out I can't go to my best friend's birthday party. To cheer me up, my parents decided to take me and my brother to my favorite pizzeria for dinner. When I was ready and went downstairs, I discovered they left already. They forgot me. FML

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By HopelessGRLF - 16/12/2016 19:30

Today, I was talking to a guy I met on a dating site, and he asked if we could meet up and what we should do. When I suggested ice-skating he told me he was in a wheelchair, so I said we could go for a walk instead. I realised my mistake the moment I sent the message. FML

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By Stupid - 1/3/2018 15:00

Today, I found out my son has been lying about being sick. He kept complaining so I took him to the doctor and got him some medicine. Now he’s actually sick because he took meds he didn’t even need. He did it solely so he could get an expensive get well soon gift. FML

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By BDSM4Jesus - 20/1/2015 04:42 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, while trying some new kinky things with my boyfriend, he cried out, "Call me Jesus!" Yeah... I think we're done with that. FML

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By Jack.mercado - 19/3/2016 16:58 - United States

Today, being the new driver I am, I was trying to keep my speed at posted because I know that cops will target me. I ended up getting pulled over for my too-low speed and given a ticket because I was holding up a line of cars. FML

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By youcould'vejusttoldme - 11/5/2017 21:00 - United States - College Station

Today, my roommate started packing up for when we move out in August. Thirty boxes later, I realized she's leaving me with only a dishtowel and a skillet while she traipses through Europe for the summer. She even packed the silverware. And the curtains. FML

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By Jim - 10/3/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, my friends told me that they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner unless I changed the time, because I'd made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of Jersey Shore. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2014 19:47 - Australia - Werribee

Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML

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By uhoh901 - 25/3/2010 11:07 - United States

Today, I just had a phone interview with a college. The lady asked me to spell out my password to a site so she can access my test scores. The password was "dick." FML

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By single - 27/3/2020 05:15 - Canada

The Boxer

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my dog decided to chase a smaller dog for three blocks. When I finally caught up with him, he laid down and refused to go anywhere. I had to carry my 80 pounds Labrador like a baby all the way home. FML

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By WayTooMuchFacebook - 4/2/2012 05:07 - United States

Today, I read some funny scribblings on a wall in the bathroom stall. My first instinct was to "Like" it. FML

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By fbcaught - 9/2/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

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By ElizaWy - 26/10/2016 15:52

Today, I celebrated my fifteen-week anniversary. No, not a relationship anniversary. A migraine anniversary. It won't stop. FML

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By sen - 19/2/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, I was sleeping when my roommate walked in and asked me: "So...when are you leaving?" She had decided to throw a party in our apartment. I wasn't invited. FML

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By anonymous - 19/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, we've hit day 4 with no hot water in my apartment. Today is also day 4 of the office insisting that the plumber is "on his way". My neighbor just got arrested for screaming at them. Looks like we'll be entering day 5 soon. FML

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By xxxkkxxx - 29/7/2011 15:37 - Hong Kong

Today, my parents took me on a plane ride for a vacation in Hong Kong. What they didn't tell me was that the "vacation" is extended for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 17:00

Fish and chips is life

Today, my husband had his hands full with the shopping, so I was carrying the baby and the bag with our takeaway in it. I tripped down the steps and fell over. Did my husband ask if I or the baby were OK? Nope. But he did ask if I’d squashed his fish and chips. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2013 17:23 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. After assessing the loss, I saw a taunting note on the fridge saying, "Locks work best when the door's SHUT." My housekeeper had apparently left the door wide open. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6118604 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

Seems like they're too catty to cuddle with. Try barking at them. Dogs are mans best friend.

By ItsAUnicorn | 27

#6118605 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

At least the dog's on your side?

COMMENTS

By devildog562 | 33

#6118604 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

Seems like they're too catty to cuddle with. Try barking at them. Dogs are mans best friend.

randompizzaguy | 17

#6118645 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:41

Hiss at her the next time she wants something.

zBLAKEz | 23

#6118899 - Saturday 15 November 2014 0:11

It's mean to treat somebody the same way they treat you?

razoray9 | 21

#6121929 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 15:16

Not in this case. Looks like this dog is woman's best friend

By ItsAUnicorn | 27

#6118605 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

At least the dog's on your side?

Shiny_nickels | 14

#6118607 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:20

What if the dog wasn't on OP's side either? What would happen then?

orbit | 22

#6118743 - Friday 14 November 2014 19:39

Maybe the dog just isn't good at hissing?

By Taurusbabe75 | 12

#6118606 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:20

Don't wake a cat nap.

By tooyoungtooold | 11

#6118609 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:21

Guess you're not getting either pussy tonight then...

MeanBeagle | 22

#6118658 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:46

especially acting like one

UnidentifiedFun | 37

#6118672 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:55

#15.. Just stopppp

PeartOfNeils | 18

#6118677 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:59

But 19, all those p's aren't necessary either.

pizzzah | 9

#6118813 - Friday 14 November 2014 21:35

but at least the bitch might keep him company

tooyoungtooold | 11

#6118981 - Saturday 15 November 2014 1:54

#31, good add-on

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6118612 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:23

get the hose & spray water on them

Ichiya | 29

#6118632 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:37

Golden shower for them.

MrSassypants | 32

#6118741 - Friday 14 November 2014 19:35

It's like a shower for rich people, right? Right?..... right?

Ichiya | 29

#6118797 - Friday 14 November 2014 20:56

Yeah it was supposed to be a clever way of saying piss on them. Guess I failed.

By keifman7 | 17

#6118613 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:23

Well I guess they found their favorite

By kimg0885 | 23

#6118627 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:34

Don't have a hissy fit.

By Rodopen | 19

#6118629 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:34

Well that is one hissing situation

supertacowaffle | 41

#6118699 - Friday 14 November 2014 18:27

Too far

Axipiter | 24

#6119054 - Saturday 15 November 2014 4:03

So far that it wasn't even close.

By somewizdom | 15

#6118634 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:37

So your wife prefers the pussy? Tough luck!

By ostfaiz | 18

#6118652 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:44

sorry op, Pussies ain't your luck today