Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and...

By Anonymous - 14/11/2014 02:14 - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

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Animals

Rock, hard place

Cold-blooded old times

Time for the ER

By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 22:52 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I mentioned on Facebook that I'll be out of town over the weekend, because I am attending my grandmother's funeral. I soon got comments saying "Pics or it didn't happen" and "Killed her for the inheritance, eh?" followed by a solitary "LOLLL". FML

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By stupid older sister - 24/7/2014 21:54 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I woke up from a nap to find my little brother playing some games on my phone. A few hours later I come to find he had deleted all 500 pictures from my trip to Europe last month. He needed more space to download the games. Mom says he's too young to understand what he did wrong. He's 14. FML

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By iliku - 1/6/2019 02:00

Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML

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By mybad - 11/9/2014 03:57 - United States

Today, at work, a midget came in to buy beer. Not only was he almost as tall as me, he got offended when I had to card him and explain that the manager told me to card everyone, and that it wasn't because he was short. FML

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By Haitwun - 8/12/2014 02:18 - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend decided to treat me out to dinner and cake for my birthday. My mom felt left out and yelled at my girlfriend in an angry tirade. My girlfriend went home. I'm spending my birthday, alone in my room. FML

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By soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass - 23/1/2016 07:49 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

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By crimsoncon - 25/11/2011 10:24

Today, my dog nearly died when my mom fed him chocolate. After finding out dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate, she promptly grounded me for not telling her. FML

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By Out of Ice Cream - 29/9/2015 17:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He did it over Snapchat because he said he didn't want to hear me sad over the phone and wanted to save data. Three years down the drain. FML

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By anonymous - 30/6/2012 06:26 - United States - Denver

Today, I was going through a hard and painful break up after a long relationship. Trying to get over it, I invited my two best friends over to lift my spirits. The night ended with them making out on my bed as I sat alone in the other room. FML

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By whytetrash - 2/11/2012 05:53 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, my manager made me stay at work for an extra four hours, making me miss an urgent specialist appointment I'd scheduled months ago. Why? Because her neighbor's dog was having puppies, and she wanted to go home early and see them. FML

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By Fat Dad - 3/3/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 21:45 - United States - Loveland

Today, during my family's traditional 4th of July weekend celebration, my water broke. I kept trying to tell them and asked them to take me to the hospital, but they couldn't hear me over the fireworks. They all just kept smiling and nodding. FML

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By mommytobe - 5/8/2011 03:56 - United States

Today, mom was so upset when she found out that she is having another granddaughter that she wants us to pay her back for the little boy clothes that she bought before the sex of the baby was known. FML

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By pictureperfect678 - 19/1/2010 02:06 - United States

Today, I was in one of two hot tubs with my dad at a vacation resort, when 3 good looking guys walked into the pool area. My dad moved to the other hot tub so the guys could hang out in the one I was in. They came outside, passed my hot tub, and went into the one my dad just moved into. FML

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By megan - 1/4/2015 17:56 - United States - Lutz

Today, it's April Fool's day. I had to take a CPR class, and everything was going well. We took a break and I went to get a drink of water and started choking. They thought I was making fun of the class, and made me leave. FML

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By liynda - 6/5/2011 01:49 - Canada

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

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By notestojenn - 5/7/2012 02:55 - United States - Manchester

Today, I walked into my roommate's room to ask him a question, only to see a pitcher with over a pint of urine in it sitting on his bookcase. This is at least the fifth conversation in a year I've had with him about not peeing in containers in his room. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2014 11:03 - United States - Boston

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

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By BMTH2296 - 21/3/2014 23:42 - United States

Today, I realized how sad my life is when for my 18th birthday, I went to a strip club, by myself, in GTA V. FML

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By Infected - 20/2/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I found out the girl I gave my virginity to gave me gonorrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 02:30 - New Zealand - Auckland

Nokia 3310 FTW

Today, while taking a rather large crap, I sent my sister a joking text saying, "I'm shitting my ass inside out." Turns out I sent it to my entire list of contacts. FML

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By Oraashi - 26/6/2012 17:18 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I confessed my feelings to the girl I've been in love with for three years. Her response was to well up, start crying, and ask me why I had to have chosen her. FML

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By nicoleee - 29/3/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

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By itchtoscratch - 4/7/2016 04:14

Today, I get more pleasure out of scratching my balls than I do out of any sexual activity with my girlfriend. FML

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By Fubar0906 - 19/5/2009 01:11 - United States

Today, I'm on vacation. I spent $4000 to surprise my boyfriend on a trip to Hawaii. We have been together over a year. Turns out, he hates the outdoors. He's mad at me for bringing him here and is upset at everything. He's in the room reading, I'm at the bar drinking $10 Mai Tai's. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2020 08:09

Caring

Today, I was rummaging about in the pantry. When I turned to walk away, the heavy pantry door fell off, struck me in the back of the head, and the wood surrounding the doorknob cracked. When my mom came home, she accused me of "property damage." FML

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By GoFigure - 15/6/2016 13:33 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my wedding is scheduled for next week. Today is also the day my whole family had an epic falling out, resulting in my mother disowning my brother. Apart from having them taking turns sobbing at me through the phone, they're also not coming to the wedding. I paid the hotel rooms in advance. FML

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By lovely - 26/2/2014 18:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

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By Creep - 28/3/2009 00:24 - Canada

Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML

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By toomuchwork - 13/9/2018 01:30

Today, as I was leaving for a 2-week vacation after working my ass off for 2 years, my area manager handed me a project. It's a 3-week job, and he told me he needs it when I get back. FML

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By kiki - 5/8/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

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By theleague - 9/10/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, when I arrived at the airport for my international flight there was no record of my ticket in the system. Turns out the flight was yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2015 16:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I folded a stack of 2,500 brochures for the new exhibit we're putting on at the museum where I work. As I was finishing up, I got an email. The dates have just been changed, so all the brochures have to be reprinted and refolded. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 18:00

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me because she was moving to Wyoming. I guess Wyoming is code for my friend's apartment. FML

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By SaveMeTeddy - 16/10/2013 18:48 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2019 06:00 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I fell down the stairs with a cup of coffee. It gave me burns on my arm and I sprained my wrist. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2013 19:19 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was told by a friend that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. Her defence was that if I had a bigger dick she wouldn't have been, in her words, forced to go elsewhere for sex. My mother's response when I confided this in her: "Ask me if I care." FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6118604 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

Seems like they're too catty to cuddle with. Try barking at them. Dogs are mans best friend.

By ItsAUnicorn | 27

#6118605 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

At least the dog's on your side?

Comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6118604 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

Seems like they're too catty to cuddle with. Try barking at them. Dogs are mans best friend.

randompizzaguy | 17

#6118645 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:41

Hiss at her the next time she wants something.

zBLAKEz | 23

#6118899 - Saturday 15 November 2014 0:11

It's mean to treat somebody the same way they treat you?

razoray9 | 21

#6121929 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 15:16

Not in this case. Looks like this dog is woman's best friend

By ItsAUnicorn | 27

#6118605 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

At least the dog's on your side?

Shiny_nickels | 14

#6118607 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:20

What if the dog wasn't on OP's side either? What would happen then?

orbit | 22

#6118743 - Friday 14 November 2014 19:39

Maybe the dog just isn't good at hissing?

By Taurusbabe75 | 12

#6118606 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:20

Don't wake a cat nap.

By tooyoungtooold | 11

#6118609 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:21

Guess you're not getting either pussy tonight then...

MeanBeagle | 22

#6118658 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:46

especially acting like one

UnidentifiedFun | 37

#6118672 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:55

#15.. Just stopppp

PeartOfNeils | 18

#6118677 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:59

But 19, all those p's aren't necessary either.

pizzzah | 9

#6118813 - Friday 14 November 2014 21:35

but at least the bitch might keep him company

tooyoungtooold | 11

#6118981 - Saturday 15 November 2014 1:54

#31, good add-on

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6118612 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:23

get the hose & spray water on them

Ichiya | 29

#6118632 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:37

Golden shower for them.

MrSassypants | 32

#6118741 - Friday 14 November 2014 19:35

It's like a shower for rich people, right? Right?..... right?

Ichiya | 29

#6118797 - Friday 14 November 2014 20:56

Yeah it was supposed to be a clever way of saying piss on them. Guess I failed.

By keifman7 | 17

#6118613 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:23

Well I guess they found their favorite

By kimg0885 | 23

#6118627 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:34

Don't have a hissy fit.

By Rodopen | 19

#6118629 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:34

Well that is one hissing situation

supertacowaffle | 41

#6118699 - Friday 14 November 2014 18:27

Too far

Axipiter | 24

#6119054 - Saturday 15 November 2014 4:03

So far that it wasn't even close.

By somewizdom | 15

#6118634 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:37

So your wife prefers the pussy? Tough luck!

By ostfaiz | 18

#6118652 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:44

sorry op, Pussies ain't your luck today