Animals: Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and...

By Anonymous - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

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Animals

Family values

Ideal first date

How could you forget?

By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was at the mall with my mom, when I saw a little pamphlet about a charity for abused children. I showed her and said I was going to donate a few dollars. She quickly said no, calling it a waste of money and muttering that the kids probably deserved it anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my laptop back after sending it to Dell to repair water damage after a night of partying. Dell returned my computer unrepaired, saying it was unfixable. When I called to ask why they couldn't fix it, they told me it was a biohazard. Someone got drunk and pissed on my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

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By Tourist - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was attacked by a bird at 3 in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No-one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

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By Blondegirl - United States

Today, I dyed my hair blonde for my boyfriend, hoping it would help spice up our sex life. His response? It's still a few shades off from his favorite porn star. FML

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By Nish - United States - Kent

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

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By bubblegum92 - Australia - Perth

Today, It was my fiancé's 21st birthday party. It ended with him too drunk to walk and wailing about how much he misses an ex girlfriend of his that he dumped 4 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, my idiot son tried to get a veteran's discount at American Eagle because he's "a fifth prestige" on Call of Duty. FML

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By must.not.itch. - United States - Hayward

Today, on the bright side, my boobs grew a size. Unfortunately, this was only after bed bugs decided to attack my nipples. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Redland Bay

Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 23:00 - United States

Stuck

Today, while on my way to deliver aluminum to a customer on top of a really steep hill, there wasn't enough room to do a U-turn without clipping a vehicle. I had to go through some mud, so now the company semi is bumper-deep in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the love of my life, who I've been going out with for two weeks only, asked me out because he lost a bet. Apparently I'm the punishment for not being able to eat 10 hot dogs. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, I woke up at my grandparents house since my mom was out of town, still half asleep i went to brush my teeth. Mid brush my mouth started getting numb I looked again at the tooth paste I used..turns out it was my grandpa's anti-itch anal cream. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spanaway

Today, an elderly patient complained because I used the words "vaginal" and "breast". I work at an OBGYN's office. FML

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By craigtm029429 - United States

Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon off her roast beef melt and eat it. She then called me over and spent several minutes complaining about the our chefs' inadequacy because they didn't put bacon on her sandwich. FML

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By RZ - United States

Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML

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By e.middlechild - United States

Today, I finally got enough courage to ask out this girl that I've liked for a year. While we were out at lunch, she ran into her ex that she had just broken up with. They then had a long conversation about their relationship, and ended up getting back together. She was my ride home. FML

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By miewann - United States - Mount Holly

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

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By Alyssa - 27/4/2020 23:00 - United Kingdom

Fashion blogger

Today, I was scrolling through my Instagram timeline and saw a picture of my friend in a ridiculous wig. I left a comment telling her how stupid the wig looked, but how great it was to have a friend with a sense of humour. She replied, telling me it wasn't a wig, it was her new hairstyle. FML

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By sicufovoshxbsjdk - United States

Today, my grandma bought me a cemetery plot for my birthday. If that's not weird enough, it's about a 2 mile walk from where the rest of my family will be buried. FML

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By Modeon123 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right inside my mouth. My tongue got stung. FML

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By WalkTheOtherWay - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was in a heated debate about climate change. I got so flustered that I forgot the word "volcano" and ended up calling them "exploding mountain things". End of the debate. Shame. FML

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By see lie

Today, we recently found out I'm infertile, and I thought we were both devastated, until my partner posted a drunk video to Facebook, basically celebrating that we will never have, "crying, nappy-shitting, soul-sucking, bank account-draining little sods." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to take my girlfriend to a nice dinner before prom. Her parents followed her in, and joined us to "keep an eye on me." They interrupted all our conversations, ate an expensive meal, then got up and walked out when the waitress brought the $95 check, leaving me to pay for it. FML

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By mwja - France

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

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By sam - 2/12/2020 23:01

Connecting people

Today, I learned that the person my ex-girlfriend left me for is my ex-girlfriend from before her. FML

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By sunny_funny - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I'm on a residential trip for 4 days with 72 children, 5 other staff and 72 sets of parents who want to be on the phone to me constantly. FML

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By boogerbrain - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding pictures I had just ordered and I tried to flick something off one of the pictures, but it wouldn't come off. In a panic I quickly looked through all of my pictures and realized that I had a booger sticking out of my nose. No one told me. FML

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By Carl - United States

Today, my landlord compared me to his idiot son for not plunging a toilet. This is the same toilet he explicitly told me not to plunge last week, because of a possible leak into the basement. We have been peeing outside for a week waiting on him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I don't know what's worse, the fact that my hair sheds so much, or the fact that I find most of it in my butt crack. FML

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By thanks a lot mom - United States - Sloughhouse

Today, my mom and I went to exchange a massive stuffed animal, which was meant for my niece. I was carrying it when I saw a really hot guy looking at me funny. My mom snickered and told him that I never go anywhere without "George". FML

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By SunshineX7 - United States - Springfield

Today, I got so self-conscious about weight gain that I got paranoid about how much my Castle Crashers character was eating to heal. FML

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By karengoeswest

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML

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By dontfencemein - United States

Today, I paid $5000 for a new fence in my backyard for my dogs. My dog escaped three hours after the contractor finished the fence. FML

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By meatballz - United States

Today, I went on my first date with a girl I have been infatuated with for months. At the restaurant, the waiter came while she was in the bathroom. I ordered steaks for both of us. Turns out, she is vegetarian, and doesn't like it when men are "overly aggressive". She called me a cow murderer. FML

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By stuck - Australia

Today, because the two other managers decided to go on a spa day together, I had to stay at work despite the fact I spent most of the day throwing up in the bathroom. They called me to say what a good day they had. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML

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By Face_loser - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend on her request because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received 4 calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my friend bet everyone at my lunch table that no one could catch the fly that was flying around our table. I reached up and caught it. It was a wasp, and it stung me. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6118604 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

Seems like they're too catty to cuddle with. Try barking at them. Dogs are mans best friend.

By ItsAUnicorn | 27

#6118605 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

At least the dog's on your side?

COMMENTS

By devildog562 | 33

#6118604 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

Seems like they're too catty to cuddle with. Try barking at them. Dogs are mans best friend.

randompizzaguy | 17

#6118645 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:41

Hiss at her the next time she wants something.

zBLAKEz | 23

#6118899 - Saturday 15 November 2014 0:11

It's mean to treat somebody the same way they treat you?

razoray9 | 21

#6121929 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 15:16

Not in this case. Looks like this dog is woman's best friend

By ItsAUnicorn | 27

#6118605 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

At least the dog's on your side?

Shiny_nickels | 14

#6118607 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:20

What if the dog wasn't on OP's side either? What would happen then?

orbit | 22

#6118743 - Friday 14 November 2014 19:39

Maybe the dog just isn't good at hissing?

By Taurusbabe75 | 12

#6118606 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:20

Don't wake a cat nap.

By tooyoungtooold | 11

#6118609 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:21

Guess you're not getting either pussy tonight then...

MeanBeagle | 22

#6118658 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:46

especially acting like one

UnidentifiedFun | 37

#6118672 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:55

#15.. Just stopppp

PeartOfNeils | 18

#6118677 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:59

But 19, all those p's aren't necessary either.

pizzzah | 9

#6118813 - Friday 14 November 2014 21:35

but at least the bitch might keep him company

tooyoungtooold | 11

#6118981 - Saturday 15 November 2014 1:54

#31, good add-on

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6118612 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:23

get the hose & spray water on them

Ichiya | 29

#6118632 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:37

Golden shower for them.

MrSassypants | 32

#6118741 - Friday 14 November 2014 19:35

It's like a shower for rich people, right? Right?..... right?

Ichiya | 29

#6118797 - Friday 14 November 2014 20:56

Yeah it was supposed to be a clever way of saying piss on them. Guess I failed.

By keifman7 | 17

#6118613 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:23

Well I guess they found their favorite

By kimg0885 | 23

#6118627 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:34

Don't have a hissy fit.

By Rodopen | 19

#6118629 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:34

Well that is one hissing situation

supertacowaffle | 41

#6118699 - Friday 14 November 2014 18:27

Too far

Axipiter | 24

#6119054 - Saturday 15 November 2014 4:03

So far that it wasn't even close.

By somewizdom | 15

#6118634 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:37

So your wife prefers the pussy? Tough luck!

By ostfaiz | 18

#6118652 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:44

sorry op, Pussies ain't your luck today