Animals: Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and...

By Anonymous - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

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Animals

Broken heart

Sorry…

Do your own research

By mus

Today, while walking to my bus stop, I saw a girl slip on black ice, then catch herself, and I laughed because people catching themselves slip are hilarious. I reach the same patch of black ice and go flying, falling on my hip and spilling my coffee all over me. FML

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By Tired - United States - San Francisco

Today, I showed up to work at 6am, only to find out the schedule was changed. I wasn't actually supposed to be there until 9:15. My boss never told me this. I didn't get to go home either, he just said "Oh well. Get to work." FML

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By MGZ - United States

Today, I told my 13 year old daughter that she was grounded from using her phone. Later on, I get an important call regarding a job that I have been after. After I'd picked up the phone, my daughter starts screaming "HELP! RAPE! HELP!" on the other phone. I don't think I'll be getting the job. FML

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By tortured - United States

Today, my coworkers were bored. To solve this, they taped me to a chair and tried tickling me to death. My boss joined in. FML

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By nearly a crazy lady - United Kingdom

Today, my OCD manager sprayed my hands with chemicals because I touched the bin while throwing away a piece of paper. My hands are now covered in itchy, unattractive rashes. FML

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By Bad Dancer - United States - Rock Hill

Today, my friend and I went to a club. She said I look hilarious when I dance drunk. I was completely sober. FML

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By LimpMcgee - United States

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

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By magicalDEATH - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

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By DrumrollPlease - United Kingdom - London

Today, my father informed me that he plans to play a drum solo instead of making a speech at my wedding. And yes, he IS completely serious. FML

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By poisonhand - United States

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

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By Yudansha - Canada

Today, we wrote valentine's day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I was rejected by all the girls I like and how it hurt to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious. Even the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 23:01 - United States - San Jose

Looks like we made it… Oh.

Today, I went on a walk with my family because I'm trying to be more active. We were near my son's school when I got a grumbling in my stomach. I rushed to find a place to take a dump. As I approached a Porta-Potty, my ass couldn't hold it any longer and I shit myself 20 feet away from the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

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By it's awkward - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, at Subway, the pretty girl serving made me so nervous that I forgot what cucumbers were called. FML

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By Mak10 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you tell your child that they're old enough to cook their own food in the microwave, you have to make sure they're smart enough not to put the metal spoon in with the food as well. FML

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By broke4life

Today, my boyfriend called me to ask if I knew the serial number for my laptop. I had given him my $650 gaming laptop to sell in his electronics store because I didn't need it and could use the money. Apparently it was stolen at some point yesterday and his cameras were turned off. FML

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By Boo Boo - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

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By Kyle - 19/4/2021 20:00 - United States - Westborough

Fundies and the truth

Today, I was told by both my parents that I was going to hell and had a “terrorist mentality” because I said our archdiocese deserves to go bankrupt from all their abuse cases. FML

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859

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By unsuspcted - United States

Today, my son told me to grow a pair and ask my girlfriend of a year and a half to marry me. He is 7 years old. FML

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By Unemployed

Today, I found out that after three years of telling my boss our strategy wasn't going to work, that I was right - it didn't work. I also found out that because it didn't work, I lost my job. My boss still has his. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, as a joke, my friends pushed me into the men's restroom and held the door shut. As I was trying to push the door open, I heard a voice behind me say, "Wow. Immaturity, huh?" I turned to find a guy taking a dump in one of the urinals. FML

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By anon - United States - York

Today, I was giving a tour of my boat to a man who seemed interested in purchasing it. Everything was going great. That is, until, the motor stopped running in the middle of the ocean. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were practicing figure drawing in art class. Our regular model didn't show up, so our teacher pulled someone out of study hall. And who did she pick? My ex-boyfriend, who stalked me after our breakup, which resulted in a nervous breakdown that put me in therapy. It was a long class. FML

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By sammatthews2007 - United States

Call the cops

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

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By bigdikbubls - 1/12/2020 05:58 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Naps are important

Today, I realised just how badly I procrastinate because I wanted to take a nap before going out for a friend's birthday, but I kept putting it off until I simply didn't have the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 23:01

Right in the pecker

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a nasty fight. After a few hours, she wanted to give me a blowjob, so I thought we weren't mad at each other anymore. Turns out she was still mad because she bit my penis. FML

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By joe - United States

Today, I was in the checkout line at Foodmax around 11:30pm. Three girls behind me were buying Tequila, salt and some limes. I was buying frozen pizza and some toilet paper. They were going to an awesome party. I was going home to eat pizza by myself. FML

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By Mike - 27/5/2021 22:01

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

Today, my dreams are populated mostly by grocery store employees, people from NextDoor, my cat, and people I haven’t seen in 30 years. FML

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By jeph23 - United States

Today, after picking up my 6 year old from school, he says, "Drew said his dad could beat you up." I told him that he needs to respect his own father more and stand up for me! I get home, look up his class roster and low and behold, Drew's dad beat me up in Jr. High. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2021 18:30 - United States - Johnstown

Cars and cards

Today, I took my car through the automated wash. I was too close to swipe my card, so the attendant reached for it and somewhere between our hands, the card fell into the grate and down a small crack 10ft into nasty water. The whole car wash was shut down to pull the massive grate up. It took about 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2021 02:00

Not having a good time, really

Today, I not only woke up with yet another splitting headache, but I stubbed my toe and my desktop kept crashing. That wouldn't be too terrible if it wasn't the second day in a row of bad luck, which previously involved someone stealing my card info and buying gamer keys with it the day after I got paid. FML

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By BigMouth McRedface - United States

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, the weather was so hot that I couldn't stop sweating profusely while using the restroom. Ever slipped off the toilet seat and hit the floor hard due to ass-sweat? Not a pleasant experience. FML

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By Natalie - United States

Today, I was out enjoying my daily jog, when out of nowhere, a group of kids in a passing car pelted me with ketchup-filled water balloons. FML

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By boo - United States

Today, I learned the reason they say don't keep your phone in high humidity places. I left my phone on the counter when I went to take a shower. It now won't turn on due to water damage and the warranty doesn't cover it. FML

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By honutattoo - United States

Today, I finally came home from a semester of college, and all my parents and sister can talk about is how bad my acne has gotten. FML

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By haleyfml - United States

Today, I took a shower and right after I fell asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel. I awoke to find my dad slapping me in the face. He thought I had fainted because I'm a diabetic. FML

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By lrn2spel, teach - United States - Mogadore

Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my fiancé proposed to me at the movies. The movie stopped in the middle, and my fiancé stands up, takes out a microphone and announces to the entire theatre that he loves me. Right when he went on one knee, someone shouts, "Turn the movie back on!", and throws a cup of coke at my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 12:02 - Canada - Ottawa

It wasn't me

Today, my mom blamed me for her family knowing about my dad cheating on her. She has forgiven him after multiple affairs with different ladies, yet she blames me that her family found out because they question her decision to be with him. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6118604 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

Seems like they're too catty to cuddle with. Try barking at them. Dogs are mans best friend.

By ItsAUnicorn | 27

#6118605 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

At least the dog's on your side?

COMMENTS

By devildog562 | 33

#6118604 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

Seems like they're too catty to cuddle with. Try barking at them. Dogs are mans best friend.

randompizzaguy | 17

#6118645 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:41

Hiss at her the next time she wants something.

zBLAKEz | 23

#6118899 - Saturday 15 November 2014 0:11

It's mean to treat somebody the same way they treat you?

razoray9 | 22

#6121929 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 15:16

Not in this case. Looks like this dog is woman's best friend

By ItsAUnicorn | 27

#6118605 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:19

At least the dog's on your side?

Shiny_nickels | 14

#6118607 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:20

What if the dog wasn't on OP's side either? What would happen then?

orbit | 22

#6118743 - Friday 14 November 2014 19:39

Maybe the dog just isn't good at hissing?

By Taurusbabe75 | 12

#6118606 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:20

Don't wake a cat nap.

By tooyoungtooold | 11

#6118609 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:21

Guess you're not getting either pussy tonight then...

MeanBeagle | 22

#6118658 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:46

especially acting like one

UnidentifiedFun | 37

#6118672 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:55

#15.. Just stopppp

PeartOfNeils | 18

#6118677 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:59

But 19, all those p's aren't necessary either.

pizzzah | 9

#6118813 - Friday 14 November 2014 21:35

but at least the bitch might keep him company

tooyoungtooold | 11

#6118981 - Saturday 15 November 2014 1:54

#31, good add-on

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6118612 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:23

get the hose & spray water on them

Ichiya | 29

#6118632 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:37

Golden shower for them.

MrSassypants | 32

#6118741 - Friday 14 November 2014 19:35

It's like a shower for rich people, right? Right?..... right?

Ichiya | 29

#6118797 - Friday 14 November 2014 20:56

Yeah it was supposed to be a clever way of saying piss on them. Guess I failed.

By keifman7 | 17

#6118613 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:23

Well I guess they found their favorite

By kimg0885 | 23

#6118627 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:34

Don't have a hissy fit.

By Rodopen | 19

#6118629 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:34

Well that is one hissing situation

supertacowaffle | 41

#6118699 - Friday 14 November 2014 18:27

Too far

Axipiter | 24

#6119054 - Saturday 15 November 2014 4:03

So far that it wasn't even close.

By somewizdom | 15

#6118634 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:37

So your wife prefers the pussy? Tough luck!

By ostfaiz | 18

#6118652 - Friday 14 November 2014 17:44

sorry op, Pussies ain't your luck today