Kids: Today, my son trained his little sister to walk up to strangers... - FML

By uterurist - 22/11/2014 18:37 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my son trained his little sister to walk up to strangers and whimper: "My mommy punches me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 772

You deserved it 2 887

There's no helping some people

Best teeth in the game

Chemical warfare

By hawaiiansokkrboi - 19/04/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I was practicing soccer at my school. My team was practicing penalty kicks. It was my turn up and this cute girl that I like was watching off ten feet away from the goal. I was running to take the kick when I slipped and kicked the ball. It hit her head and now she won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 257

You deserved it 10 678

By Not Supportive - 19/05/2019 16:06

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous so I, not thinking, made comments that included the words killing, dying and death. I'm a rubbish support system. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 428

You deserved it 539

By fack - 26/11/2013 18:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that when my sister and I were born, the first thing my dad said was, "I hope they don't turn out vegetarian." I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 474

You deserved it 10 140

By Non-active - 25/09/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 204

You deserved it 3 246

Statutory

By I don't care if it was consented or not, I'm gonna whoop the shit out of this child-molesting fuck. - 22/09/2021 23:00

Today, my sister, who is now 19, gathered the guts to formally present her boyfriend to us. She was so concerned that my parents wouldn't let her have a boyfriend, she kept it a secret for 5 years. We were happy to hear it, until she presented him to us. He's a 35-year-old taxi driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 99

By Anonymous - 04/03/2016 21:59 - United States - Richmond

Today, as a public defender, my client was actually innocent for once. I intended to utterly destroy the prosecution's case and demonstrate his good character. That plan went straight to hell when he showed up heavily intoxicated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 321

You deserved it 1 574

Ed Sheeran-lite

By Joshua Diamond - 14/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I phoned my ex, who I only broke up with a week ago. I then told her about the song I'd written about her. I have written a song, but it is shite and I would die of embarrassment if I ever had to play it to her. I’ll have to play it to her and confess my simpy, wet ways. FML

I agree, your life sucks 174

You deserved it 1 662

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 08:01 - United States

Today, I overheard my husband telling my step-dad that I have the same ability to sniff out chocolate in a house as a certain animal has to find truffles in the woods. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 247

You deserved it 6 456

By Anonymous - 02/06/2011 04:17

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 562

You deserved it 18 341

By Jess-zee - 10/05/2009 20:42 - Canada

Today, I took my mom out to a fancy restaurant, and spent close to $300 on her Mother's Day present. Later, my little brother drew her a card with crayons on pink construction paper. She cried. He is 20 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 586

You deserved it 6 347

By Samantha - 13/03/2012 17:59 - Canada

Today, my dad insisted on having a family movie night. He chose the movies Jaws and Mayday. I'm going on a diving expedition tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 910

You deserved it 2 900

By propose_you_freakin_coward - 27/09/2013 12:51 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was insulted and harassed by my sister and her boyfriend, all because I proposed yesterday. They were angry I might get married before they did. They have known each other since primary school; I met my fiancée earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 379

You deserved it 6 727

By NeedALittleRoomToBreathe - 08/06/2017 16:00

Today, and for the past month, I've been feeling lightheaded from a breathing problem. I've now been prescribed a medication to help with my anxiety and my breathing issue, which would in turn help stop me from getting so lightheaded. The side effect of said medication: lightheadedness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 808

You deserved it 282

By sadness - 12/10/2012 02:48 - United States - Metairie

Today, the guy I'm dating came into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say, "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 309

You deserved it 2 266

By Anonymous - 26/02/2011 20:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 363

You deserved it 5 146

By Miss_Kat - 29/08/2019 00:01

Today, I received a two-page letter/rant from my boss notifying me of my imminent dismissal, based on issues such as me "speaking in a suppressed voice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 126

By Anonymous - 17/02/2016 21:36 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss told me that people from work have been complaining about me. Apparently, I'm not doing part of their jobs for them, and the other manager sometimes does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 999

You deserved it 1 503

By Anonymous - 19/10/2018 06:00 - United States

Today, my wife went into the bathroom at Walmart. Being almost sure there was no one else in there, I stood around the corner to scare her. As the door opened, I jumped around the corner and scared an innocent woman to so badly she peed herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 217

You deserved it 3 416

By Fish - 19/03/2009 15:47 - United Arab Emirates

Today, we were hanging around the pool with a couple of friends and a crush of mine. Thinking I would be able to impress her with a well performed dive of the diving board, I go up and attempt my best dive. I slip just as I jump and hit my head on the board. I had to be saved by the lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 237

You deserved it 55 258

By tstaeger - 24/07/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, I tried drinking "Smart Water" for the first time. I couldn't figure out how to open the bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 402

You deserved it 37 741

By sninapeters - 22/12/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, I realized that I've been intentionally causing arguments with my husband because the spare bed is more comfortable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 446

You deserved it 36 958

By Anonymous - 21/06/2016 01:59 - United States - Fulton

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know who's she's saying during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 037

You deserved it 1 075

By wow - 09/08/2011 04:01 - United States

Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 549

You deserved it 3 169

Movie night

By heartbrokenl12453 - 27/10/2019 12:00

Today, my girlfriend decided that the best place to break up with me was during a movie about two couples breaking up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 549

You deserved it 117

By and god shat - 11/07/2014 23:38 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 199

You deserved it 9 051

By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 05:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 359

You deserved it 8 082

By RogerReady - 31/01/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 371

You deserved it 3 462

By Anonymous - 01/05/2012 08:24 - Australia - Bairnsdale

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 759

You deserved it 29 300

By Anonymous - 09/11/2012 20:53 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, we found out that the beloved "Uncle Jimmy" from my early childhood was really the man my mother was cheating on my dad with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 141

You deserved it 1 666

By foo - 01/02/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I'm a shy guy normally, and when I talk to my friends I don't keep eye contact so I always look down even when I'm listening. My friend asked me why I always look at her boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 040

You deserved it 24 808

By Anonymous - 05/01/2012 05:17 - United States

Today, I'm so insecure that I was still slightly flattered when the demented old man at the nursing home where I work hit on me, because at least somebody finds me attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 079

You deserved it 3 536

By Anonymous - 03/12/2010 03:42 - United States

Today, my annoying and disrespectful roommate discovered Pandora. She also discovered that she can play Christmas music on Pandora. Only 23 more days until Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 399

You deserved it 4 216

By whosurdaddy - 06/01/2017 06:44

Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 006

You deserved it 1 415

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

By Mike - 27/05/2021 22:01

Today, my dreams are populated mostly by grocery store employees, people from NextDoor, my cat, and people I haven’t seen in 30 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 95

By booty backfire - 01/05/2014 17:31 - United States

Today, I hurt my back, and now I have to lie on my stomach for twenty minutes every hour so I can ice the pain. My boyfriend won't stop using my ass as bongo drums every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 923

You deserved it 7 715

Pissed

By pl. - 03/06/2021 21:59

Today, while on a road trip, I stopped at a gas station and told my kids to go to the restroom. My youngest daughter said, "I had to go earlier, but not anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 807

You deserved it 136

By Ouch - 14/07/2009 02:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 431

You deserved it 15 458

By Anonymous - 18/12/2008 04:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 621

You deserved it 32 454

By wrongtarget - 21/10/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I got chewed out at work when my supervisor showed up, because my coworkers told my supervisor they couldn't find me for an hour and a half. Why couldn't they find me? Because they'd left to go get coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 384

You deserved it 2 212

By sqquish - 01/03/2016 18:48 - United States - Smithfield

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 864

You deserved it 4 596

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:05

Troll child

fatkidfalling 11

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:05

Ahh, siblings and their keen interests in watching the world burn...

Comments

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:05

Troll child

JOEBOBARNOLD 15

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:27

He started young

kangx1 28

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Sunday 23 November 2014 16:45

Some men just want to watch the world burn..

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Monday 24 November 2014 4:22

And set the air on fire.

399 41

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Thursday 12 May 2016 4:57

lol

fatkidfalling 11

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:05

Ahh, siblings and their keen interests in watching the world burn...

whymeplease44 8

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Thursday 26 May 2016 5:41

lofl

BSnapZ 21

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:12

Hopefully it doesn't end up causing any major problems...

coming back in the future 30

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:18

I wonder what will happen.

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:18

How old is your son?

blondeamazonian 18

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:20

Probably old enough to know better...

Arwen_Evenstar 37

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Sunday 23 November 2014 10:51

I'm thinking young enough to not realise how bad what he's saying is.

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Sunday 23 November 2014 12:37

Old enough to know that it can cause issues but probably not old enough to know that can cause serious issues along with him and his siblings being taken into care.

Arwen_Evenstar 37

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Monday 24 November 2014 2:18

That's what I meant. I doubt he wants to be taken away, probably thinks it's just a funny thing to teach his sister to say to shock people.

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:20

It's almost as if he wants to be taken away by children's aid

coming back in the future 30

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:23

Plot twist: She does.

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Sunday 23 November 2014 14:25

That probably would have worked on reddit.

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:41

Hopefully that stops soon..

makersmarkmike 17

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:51

Tell your son, "Mommys who punch their children also don't give their children Christmas gifts." Should resolve his lying problem fairly quickly, at least hopefully!

Ichiya 29

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Sunday 23 November 2014 11:54

If he is 16+ a firm but not too firm punch should stop it

rockyhorrorQT 12

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Sunday 23 November 2014 15:04

I knew a mom that, after more than enough warnings, cancelled Christmas in her house because her kids were being horrendous. Not just typical excitement either. I'm still a little shocked years after hearing about it.

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Sunday 23 November 2014 17:49

29. Sometimes you have to pull the trigger on a threat. Sounds like that Mom reached the limit, sadly.

Brandi_Faith 33

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Monday 24 November 2014 7:11

I agree. Don't threaten with something unless you're actually prepared to use it and follow through. Sounds like the kids tried to call her bluff and the mom had to follow through. As sad as that is I bet it taught them a solid lesson and I bet they shaped up pretty quick after that. Good on her for following through.

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Sunday 23 November 2014 9:53

You better set that boy straight.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 160

You deserved it 78

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 44