Health: Today, I came home to find my little sister had decided to play...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find my little sister had decided to play hopscotch under our carport. Feeling a small childish urge, I decided to hop on one leg to the front door. I tripped and fell, slicing my knee open. FML

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Health

Dementia or hate? You decide

Vulture

Stalker vibes

By yashmoshin1 - United States

Today, I finished the run for a play in which I played a gay man. Now that all the performances are over, I have kissed a man more times in my life than I have kissed a woman. I'm straight. FML

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By Lois - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

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By Nudge23 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Dirty talk

Today, I was in bed with my boyfriend, in the middle of foreplay, and somehow out of my mouth came, "I want to be inside you." I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous

Experimentation is good

Today, I was at my friend's place with a bunch of people. I saw a pair of panties in his laundry basket, so of course I yelled, "DUDE! YOU GOT LAID!" Turns out he didn't get laid, he was 'experimenting'. He was so mortified, he burst out crying and threw us all out. FML

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By Teenagegirl - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 15-year-old son begged me to pre-order the next season of My Little Pony. FML

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By adam - Czech Republic

Today, my dad is having his midlife crisis and bought a mercedes along with a girlfriend less than half his age. I was trying to be supportive until I found out he is funding his midlife crisis with my university loan. FML

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By loueb17 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 5 year old boy. When I was on the phone with my mom, he called 911 and started to cry. When I got off the phone the police were at the door. It turns out that the "emergency" was that the VCR was not working. FML

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By froulita - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend doesn't know if he should break up with me because he loves me too much, or to stay with me and make me suffer. I have no clue as to what's going on in his head. FML

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By GLHan - United States - Commack

Today, I asked my boss for a few days off next week, because my grandmother passed away yesterday and I'll need to travel to attend the funeral. His response: "She's dead, you're not. You want time off, then quit." FML

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By Star - United States

Today, the guy that I'm in love with and plan to marry some day told me he would choose a million dollars over me. I got upset and told him I no longer want to be with him. In an excited voice he said, "Really? So are you serious I don't have to worry about this love stuff anymore?" FML

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By oh - Denmark - Viborg

Today, my grandma commented on my Facebook profile picture: "That's a great photo! It doesn't look anything like you!" FML

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By meegs - Canada

Today, my sister asked me if she could go into my closet to borrow my favourite dress for a party she was going to tonight. When I asked her where she was going, she said to a Halloween costume party. My sister is going as a prostitute. FML

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By aphre - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

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By movingbuddy - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend of a year asked me to move in with him. I would have been touched at this gesture, had he not asked in the form of a text message, saying: "Got kicked out. Wanna get a flat or something?" FML

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By lostwife - United States

Today, I lost my job for taking an unauthorized vacation. I just got married and requested time off for the wedding and honeymoon months ago; it was approved then. They forgot, and then got angry because I didn't remind them. I did remind them, the day before I left. FML

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By Justmyluck

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “I need to check something down there.” I asked what but he just smiled and showed me the piece of gum he was chewing. He took a look and left to get the scissors. FML

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By civicman - Canada

Today, I was cuddling on the couch with my girlfriend when I started to tickle her, she asked me to stop but I continued. She had a reaction, and kneed me in the happy sacks. FML

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By pirsquared - United States

Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I'm working on my PhD in engineering. FML

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By Failure

Today, despite having glowing recommendations, stellar grades, and an impressive resumé, I was rejected by all 15 colleges that I applied to. No explanation or reasons have been given, and it's too late to apply to any more. FML

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By Dhagiik - United States - Oak Park

Today, I walked into the bathroom at work, and in the stall next to me I could hear someone pleasuring himself. I decided to let my boss know what was going on, but it turns out that it was my boss in the stall next to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sick, and decided to work from home. After coding for a few hours, I took a break, and being home alone, I watched porn. A few minutes later, I received messages from my colleagues telling me to shut it down. I had forgotten I was working on teamviewer. FML

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By scared-straight - United States

Today, as I was lying on my bed with one of my arms hanging from the side, I felt something sniff my hand from underneath. I don't have any pets. FML

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By sunboy52 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML

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By Annonymous - United States

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

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By hellolaina - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that without fail, even if I'm not supposed to get it, I get my period just in time for vacations. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Mike

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

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By Zit-Blues - United States

Today, I had a large pimple on my temple. I decided to try the whole "put toothpaste on the zit to make it dry up" technique that all the magazines say to do. Not only is my pimple still there, but the toothpaste irritated my skin and my already large pimple now appears three times bigger. FML

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By singleasapringle - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went back to my high school for an event with some of my friends, both of which are in relationships. Whilst there we saw our favorite teacher, who hugged us and said, "I heard you have a boyfriend! And so do you!" And then she turned to me and said, "And... And you're doing great things!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Today, I got laid off. Why would they lay me off right before the holidays? Because they want to make sure every one else gets a nice holiday bonus. FML

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By wrong state for that shit - 22/8/2020 04:48 - United States - Hesperia

Weird accusation, lady

Today, my uncle’s girlfriend’s paranoid jealousy hit a new low. I woke up to several nasty, threatening texts from her, accusing me of sleeping with my own uncle. According to her, no uncle and niece could possibly be as close as he and I are without something freaky going on. I really hate her. FML

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By compulsiveliarssaytheylikeme - United States - Sayre

Today, I found out that the only girl who's ever called me cute or handsome is actually a compulsive liar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was afraid my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion I'd forgotten to take off the desk after I'd whacked off last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she'd had changed the background to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML

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By Solo coffee

Today, it's my last day of work at my job of 2 and a half years. I organised to have coffee with my coworkers at a cafe. Only I turned up. I had my farewell coffee alone. FML

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By Smokey

Today, I found out that my neighbours are mad at me because I smoke. I don't smoke on the balcony, I walk away from the apartment complex so that they won't be affected by my bad habit. They're still mad at me because they can still see me. Didn't know that you could smell with your eyes. FML

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By Reno - United States - Reno

Today, while trying to find my phone in the depths of the sheets on my bed, I gave my comforter a huge shake. A second later, I heard a crash. My phone had miraculously flown straight into the glass of water on my nightstand. Found it. FML

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By Anonymous - Kazakhstan

Today, I received a text from my girlfriend to break up with me. I was upset. One minute later another text from her said "sorry, wrong person." FML

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By gpistas - United States

Today, I was at dentist to get impressions made. The hygienist put way too much of the plaster stuff on the press. She put it in my mouth and asked if I was okay, I shook my head no and promptly vomited. It sat at the back of my throat and I could not spit it out until the plaster hardened. FML

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By chloecamp - United States - Ellington

Today, every house in my neighborhood was vandalized. They skipped our house. Everybody thinks it was me. FML

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Top comments

By soccerrocks | 0

#794970 - Sunday 24 January 2010 6:42

what did #2 say

By maskedman | 9

#794518 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:17

I guess that kid in us isn't as agile as he used to be. I blame excessive drinking.

COMMENTS

By israelnotjacob | 20

#794436 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:54

Smooth.

Deathlyranch | 0

#794441 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:55

The Game

AVainAttempt | 0

#794450 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:56

yeah, quite the athlete

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#795081 - Sunday 24 January 2010 7:38

Why do people click "YDI".. Seriously.. Hopscotch is the sport of Kings.. XD

mayumm | 0

#1668963 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 1:24

Comment moderated.

sk8rchick97 | 0

#2684587 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 6:44

Niiiiice

By HoesInaBox | 0

#794447 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:56

damn you #2! :(

soccerrocks | 0

#794970 - Sunday 24 January 2010 6:42

what did #2 say

By jhulianase | 0

#794448 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:56

3rd

By Sharpam | 0

#794453 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:57

Ah, shit winkles!!!! Screw you #2!! (Oh and FYL)

MadeOfAwesome | 1

#794461 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:59

Shit winkles... I like it.

GiRIsMakingCupca | 0

#794475 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:03

it's sugar cookies:)

By zomgkatie | 0

#794463 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:00

i went like a whole month without loseing the game. T_T

AVainAttempt | 0

#794471 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:02

Mind if I ask, what is the game?

MadeOfAwesome | 1

#794488 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:07

What you just lost.

darkmis1 | 17

#794790 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:11

Lolz @2! The only good thing about losing the game is that everyone else loses it too.

Janah_the_ENP | 0

#794839 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:39

How do you know how long it was? Wouldn't you have to think about it in order to keep track xD

kukitheaf | 0

#795130 - Sunday 24 January 2010 8:05

the game is that u cant think about it. everytime u think about the game, u have to announce that u lost. so ur winning if u dont think about it. get it?