Today, I was cycling home when I saw my sister, who lives a 4... - FML

By karlajjjjj - 25/10/2013 12:19 - United Kingdom - Cold Ashby

Today, I was cycling home when I saw my sister, who lives a 4 hour drive away, walking past me on the path. I turned my head and called to her, causing me not to notice the pothole in front of me. My front wheel went in and I went over the handlebars. It wasn't even my sister. FML

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Proactive

Capitalism kills

Social distancing gone wrong

By dirtyhands - 18/2/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom busted in my room to ask if I'm okay because she thought the squeaking was my crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

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By Depression... - 10/10/2012 06:01 - United States

Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

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By totalloss - 1/4/2012 16:15 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

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By JC - 26/3/2012 20:56 - United States - Villa Ridge

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

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By WTF - 27/9/2015 07:57 - Poland - Wroclaw

Today, I was driving to work and stopped at a stop light. A full 2 or 3 seconds passed, followed by a car rear-ending me. The idiot driving it got out and gave me hell, calling me a maniac because I braked "too quickly" and didn't give him a chance to react. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2015 20:05 - Italy - Cervignano Del Friuli

Today, I found out that I won't be able to attend my own wedding, because I'll be in a mandatory training class that doesn't allow people to take vacation for any reason. So now we've wasted $10,000, and I can't even fly home for one day. All because I got promoted unexpectedly. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 20:59 - United Kingdom - Bedford

Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By Sara246 - 19/8/2010 23:11 - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, he asked which girl I'd found out about. FML

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By dane - 29/6/2010 18:07 - United States

Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2012 14:11 - United States

Today, I went on a long flight. I was fortunate enough to sit next to a great girl. However, she must have thought I was not so great, because she moved to the empty seat across the aisle. Next to my dad. Who then told stories about how I always get motion sickness on airplanes. I then threw up. FML

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By ferrin10 - 26/7/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, I was mowing lawns for my summer job. I noticed next to me a shiny new corvette being washed by the owner. I gave a friendly wave, just as I heard a big clank as the mower blade shot a rock into the side of the car. FML

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By pkstarstorm - 14/7/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I came out to my dad. He called me weak minded and said that he has never been more disappointed in me. I didn't come out as gay. I came out as a vegetarian. FML

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By NotTodaySatan - 7/7/2019 16:00 - United States - Tempe

Today, my dad suggested I go back to my abusive, psychotic ex, who happens to be the father of my only child. He suggested this only so I can get pregnant again, and get more money back on my taxes. His "bright side" to this? At least my kids will have the same father. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 14:00

That devil water

Today, my boyfriend went to his friends house to drink. He told me he’s a happy drinker, and I believed him. He calls me drunk about three hours later and tells me he’s been thinking about cheating on me for a long time, and that he also thinks about "being with other women." FML

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By lonelygirl - 14/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me on a romantic weekend away at a hotel. What is he doing now? On his computer looking up stuff on Craigslist while I am watching t.v. alone. FML

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By ldn - 21/3/2013 17:54 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

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By ChelseaRae - 6/7/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

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By ihaveahome - 12/4/2011 16:02 - Czech Republic

Today, at 6am I was waiting for the tram to go home from my late night job. A homeless man came up to me and offered to buy me a beer because "guys like us have to stick together." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 21:31 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally left my sister's hamster's cage open and it escaped. My dad recently put mouse traps down. Guess where I found her. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 06:13

Today, I called in sick to my job. I'm already on shaky ground there, but I was honestly sick. I happened to call in during the mandatory departmental meeting. Apparently, I was supposed to go in a half-hour early. I called in thirty minutes late, during a required meeting. FML

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By straightasaneedle - 2/2/2011 17:11 - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 14:39 - United States

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2013 21:57 - Argentina

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

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By Rella - 15/12/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the 69 position with me on top and as we changed positions, and I turned to face him, I saw toilet paper on his face that he didn't seem to notice and that I casually had to wipe off his face. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2009 14:06 - Canada

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. I was on their bed having sex with their daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2015 05:01 - Canada - Lansdowne

Today, I'm warning you: never spoon naked with your girlfriend after eating taco bell. The shartpocalypse just might begin in her ass and end on your stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2016 14:52 - United States - Bethlehem

Today, I tried having some girl time with my mom so I could sneakily figure out what to get her for her birthday. All I could think of in the end was a time machine, after her rant about wishing she'd gotten her tubes tied rather than going through the stress of raising me and my sister. FML

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By drewB - 12/8/2019 10:00 - United States

Today, it was my first day being home after doing a 4 and a half month hike through the Appalachian Trail. This evening, I stepped out my front door and directly onto a copperhead snake. It thought my leg was tasty, and I went to the ER for the first time in over 20+ years. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2020 02:02

Heartless

Today, I received a positive Covid-19 test. Despite being largely asymptomatic, the company I work for decided that I've behaved with "gross neglect" by coming to work in an attempt to support the company's ambition, and promptly fired me with no benefits. FML

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By mistake - 11/5/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, I realized what my mom has been calling me for 20 years. She always calls me her "little fehler." With her being from Germany, I always thought it was a cute little nickname. Apparently, she's been calling me her "little mistake." FML

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By Jane M - 25/10/2013 23:20 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 02:11 - Canada

Today, I received a surprise "absolute final notice" email for payment of an overdue fee from the university I withdrew from 6 months ago. Turns out, my old landlord has been hoarding their letters to me. As a result, my credit is now in the shitter and I had to pay an extra $120 in interest. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2011 21:05 - United Kingdom

Today, the motorway I usually use was closed off due to a major car accident. With no way off the freeway, my trip took three times longer than usual. I lost control of my bladder mid-way. FML

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By JimmyT - 3/3/2013 22:21 - Norway - Bergen

Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me for a glass of water and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML

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By mommysgirlapparently - 29/10/2010 03:17 - United States

Today, my mom was on my Facebook and saw a chick leave a nasty comment on my status. My mom commented back something awful and really bitchy. My mom still fights my fights for me. I'm 20. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2011 05:29 - Canada

Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML

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By Nick - 6/8/2013 14:44 - Australia - Baulkham Hills

Today, I dragged myself to work, suffering from a bad cold. My boss quietly told me to go home and rest, to avoid spreading it around the office. I thought it odd since he dislikes me so much, but I did as he said. He called later in the day to suspend me for leaving work early. FML

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By Chad - 27/4/2011 01:20 - United States

Today, my wife bought $80 worth of Glee songs on iTunes. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2014 21:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML

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Top comments

By snowby2 | 15

#5729299 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:06

Well that must have been embarrassing...

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5729303 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:08

Braking before turning your head might have worked better. Just a thought.

COMMENTS

By snowby2 | 15

#5729299 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:06

Well that must have been embarrassing...

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5729328 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:15

Hopefully she's didn't break her phone when she fell haha

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5729410 - Friday 25 October 2013 20:09

Be haply she didn't break her goddamn neck, who gives a shit about a phone compared to a life.

Reply

Borngemini77 | 9

#5729525 - Friday 25 October 2013 22:47

what phone are you talking about? she yelled out her sisters name. not called on a phone.

Reply

SmittyKick | 18

#5729557 - Saturday 26 October 2013 0:10

#14, why??? I think She'd rather her phone break, than bones,

By Welshite | 39

#5729302 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:07

Time to get a unicycle.

Reply

Imhere4fml | 24

#5729335 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:20

If OP had a unicycle, then her only wheel would go in said pothole and she would go flying anyways.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5729343 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:22

*psst* It was a joke. No handlebars or front wheel to worry about.

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5729439 - Friday 25 October 2013 20:31

"I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars, no handlebars".
(:

Reply

OzzMonster | 10

#5729474 - Friday 25 October 2013 21:14

I think this is one of those rare instances where a hovercraft may be slightly more effective than a unicycle.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5729513 - Friday 25 October 2013 22:25

#2, of course, with a unicycle, the stranger would have claimed to be the sister, just in the hopes of having some unicycle-riding coolness rub off on them.

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5729303 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:08

Braking before turning your head might have worked better. Just a thought.

Reply

greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5729359 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:32

exactly what I had thought. especially since OP wasn't paying attention, they could've ran into someone else.

Reply

kozzard | 17

#5729473 - Friday 25 October 2013 21:12

brake before turning your head, or turn before breaking your head...its your choice

By Grayness_ | 26

#5729308 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:09

Oh man :/ , but was she at least nice enough to stop and see if you were okay ?

By perdix | 29

#5729310 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:09

I'm guessing the stranger felt bad for you. Your sister would have probably laughed her ass off at you!

By jabfinch | 9

#5729313 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:11

These top comments suck.

Reply

jdeezy01 | 13

#5729337 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:20

And your comment was meaningless.

By way2go | 16

#5729314 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:11

Why would you think it's your sister if she lives 4 hours away? If you're on good terms with her (which I'm assuming you are since your aim was to say hi), I'm sure she would tell you if she was in the area.

Reply

\ | 28

#5729430 - Friday 25 October 2013 20:25

That's why I always wear shades... So I can leer at people without getting noticed. :)

Reply

caden_bro | 9

#5729554 - Saturday 26 October 2013 0:02

How is that when relevant?

Reply

Dynosaur_dollie | 38

#5729771 - Saturday 26 October 2013 3:40

I am on really good terms with my family that lives 3 hours away; occasionally I drive up to piss around town and do some shopping, and fail to mention I am in town. Sometimes you just don't feel like visiting people.

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#5729316 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:12

Well, I hope you're okay. You have to pay attention.!

By ninjuh_wingman | 29

#5729319 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:13

Those damn sneaky potholes. They always appearing at the worst times.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5729348 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:26

Is there ever a good time for potholes?

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5729441 - Friday 25 October 2013 20:32

When someone you hate rides I to them?

By thatonegirlnic | 10

#5729321 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:13

Good way to make a new friend. Compassion breeds cooperation