Miscellaneous: Today, I was cycling home when I saw my sister, who lives a 4... - FML

By karlajjjjj - United Kingdom - Cold Ashby

Today, I was cycling home when I saw my sister, who lives a 4 hour drive away, walking past me on the path. I turned my head and called to her, causing me not to notice the pothole in front of me. My front wheel went in and I went over the handlebars. It wasn't even my sister. FML

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Freaked out

Corporate ass

*Friends theme music plays*

By Anonymous - United States - Blythe

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

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By loserr - United States - Highland Park

Today, I made myself a hot pocket for lunch. I managed to scald myself on the red-hot cheese, and at the same time bite into the center, which was somehow still frozen solid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Levelland

Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at the breakfast table my mum asked me what I thought about the plumber who came to our place a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I thought he was really cute and how hard I tried to flirt with him, she nodded and told me that he is her new boyfriend and might move in with us soon. FML

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By franky - Germany - Brunswick

Today, at a romantic dinner my boyfriend was treating me to, the waiter brought a "Will you marry me?" cake out with candles and sparklers. I probably should have checked that they'd brought it to the right table before dramatically screaming "Yes!" and jumping into my boyfriend's arms. They hadn't. FML

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By GracieGirl

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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By Ismellbacon - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Needles

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

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By job hunter - United States - New York

Today, I interviewed for my dream job. Everything was going great until the interviewer asked, "So, what's your least favorite race?" FML

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By car - Australia

Today, after a costly fix for my brakes that failed a while back as I was going down a hill, I found a $130 bill in the mail attached to a speed camera photo of me shitting myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn't to meet them, and they hadn't been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML

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By littlefella - United States - Novato

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

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By thx. - United States - Denver

Today, I told the girl working the scanner that half the documents I was indexing from her were upside down. Now ALL of them are upside down. FML

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By Anonymous - India

Mask off

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for a year is and always has been gay. I was apparently "an amazingly convenient beard" for his ultra-religious family. FML

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By grotesque sexy - 5/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Portland

Body shaming ain't cool

Today, my boyfriend refused to have sex with me because I have ass acne. The reason I have ass acne is from working out to lose weight. I was trying to lose weight because he wouldn't have sex with me because I was too fat. I can't win. FML

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By panicelement - United States - Carbondale

Today, my college started an internet "confessions" page. Out of curiosity I checked it out, only to find that it's full of some of the most disturbing stuff I've ever read. My schoolmates are either filthy as fuck or they are all pathological liars. Wonderful. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

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By misTreated - United States

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

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By CoolStoryBro

Today, while I was at work, I was on the verge of tears. My coworker asked what was wrong and I explained that I recently had to put my dog down. He then replied, "Cool story, bro. Tell it again." FML

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By admin1771 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I'm supposed to go to my girlfriend's house for Christmas with her family. I got a text from her saying that her dad found our used condom package from last night. I'm supposed to be there in 3 hours. FML

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By Hairy Cheek - United States - Columbia

Today, I was at work and caught my pants on the corner of the door hinge. They tore completely open and my hairy cheek was exposed for the whole office to see. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Munich

Today, after finally finishing a huge internal rebranding project at work, which I've poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last 12 months, I found out we're being acquired by another company and that our new brand will no longer exist. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 8 year-old niece and I were arguing over how many letters were in the alphabet. Guess who was right. FML

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By psh_idontbite - United States

Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, I am studying abroad in Mexico and someone asked me what it's like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, what I thought translated to, "If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket." Apparently, what I thought meant "jacket" actually meant "masturbate". FML

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By Jeynna - 8/5/2021 00:01

Through the wall

Today, I bumped into my next door neighbor. She said, "Not for nothing, but I heard you fighting with your boyfriend last night, you're pretty harsh on him." I don't have a boyfriend, I was just drunk and castigating myself. FML

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By texasbest - United States - Lindale

Today, at my new job, I walked into the office to hear my supervisor and HR manager talking about how, "the new guy isn't very smart, but we can get him to do the shit work for a couple weeks." Gee, thanks. FML

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By John - United States - Watertown

Today, I was fired for using violence and intimidation in the work place. I was a bouncer at a strip club. FML

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By fufu_mutt - United States

Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the shit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML

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By Thanks Babe - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up feeling awful, having caught the same illness my boyfriend had last night. When he was sick, I skipped my friend's baby shower to take care of him. Now that I'm sick, he goes to a friend's place, says to call if I need him, then turns his phone off. Seriously. FML

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By FavreFan99 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 26/5/2020 20:00

Expanding universe

Today, I told my BFF that I went to the store to buy medium shirts because I had gained some weight during coronavirus. He asked me, "What's the point in doing that when you're getting so fat, those wont even fit in 2 weeks?" FML

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By MegaZeo - United States - Livermore

Today, I could not decide what was sadder: the fact that I have to work on New Year's Eve, or that fact that working on New Year's Eve is still the most exciting thing I've ever done for New Year's Eve. FML

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By collball22 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and I said that I was self-conscious of my acne. He told me that only one of my zits was noticeable and that it wasn't so bad. In fact he said it looked cool, like a bullet wound or something "awesome" like that. FML

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By Z'ev - United States - New York

Today, I went to get my car fixed. There was a vending machine in the waiting room, and I was hungry. The snacks were overpriced, but I still had a little money left over. I noticed a bag of Cheetos hanging loose, so I paid for them, hoping to get two bags. They both got stuck. FML

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By booearns - United States

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

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By shootme - Canada

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

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By fucking_worthless_loser - United States - Concord

Today, I got into an emotional argument with Cleverbot. I ended up apologizing. FML

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Top comments

By snowby2 | 15

#5729299 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:06

Well that must have been embarrassing...

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5729303 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:08

Braking before turning your head might have worked better. Just a thought.

COMMENTS

By snowby2 | 15

#5729299 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:06

Well that must have been embarrassing...

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5729328 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:15

Hopefully she's didn't break her phone when she fell haha

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5729410 - Friday 25 October 2013 20:09

Be haply she didn't break her goddamn neck, who gives a shit about a phone compared to a life.

Reply

Borngemini77 | 9

#5729525 - Friday 25 October 2013 22:47

what phone are you talking about? she yelled out her sisters name. not called on a phone.

Reply

SmittyKick | 18

#5729557 - Saturday 26 October 2013 0:10

#14, why??? I think She'd rather her phone break, than bones,

By Welshite | 39

#5729302 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:07

Time to get a unicycle.

Reply

Imhere4fml | 24

#5729335 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:20

If OP had a unicycle, then her only wheel would go in said pothole and she would go flying anyways.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5729343 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:22

*psst* It was a joke. No handlebars or front wheel to worry about.

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5729439 - Friday 25 October 2013 20:31

"I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars, no handlebars".
(:

Reply

OzzMonster | 10

#5729474 - Friday 25 October 2013 21:14

I think this is one of those rare instances where a hovercraft may be slightly more effective than a unicycle.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5729513 - Friday 25 October 2013 22:25

#2, of course, with a unicycle, the stranger would have claimed to be the sister, just in the hopes of having some unicycle-riding coolness rub off on them.

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5729303 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:08

Braking before turning your head might have worked better. Just a thought.

Reply

greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5729359 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:32

exactly what I had thought. especially since OP wasn't paying attention, they could've ran into someone else.

Reply

kozzard | 17

#5729473 - Friday 25 October 2013 21:12

brake before turning your head, or turn before breaking your head...its your choice

By Grayness_ | 26

#5729308 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:09

Oh man :/ , but was she at least nice enough to stop and see if you were okay ?

By perdix | 29

#5729310 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:09

I'm guessing the stranger felt bad for you. Your sister would have probably laughed her ass off at you!

By jabfinch | 9

#5729313 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:11

These top comments suck.

Reply

jdeezy01 | 13

#5729337 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:20

And your comment was meaningless.

By way2go | 16

#5729314 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:11

Why would you think it's your sister if she lives 4 hours away? If you're on good terms with her (which I'm assuming you are since your aim was to say hi), I'm sure she would tell you if she was in the area.

Reply

\ | 28

#5729430 - Friday 25 October 2013 20:25

That's why I always wear shades... So I can leer at people without getting noticed. :)

Reply

caden_bro | 9

#5729554 - Saturday 26 October 2013 0:02

How is that when relevant?

Reply

Dynosaur_dollie | 38

#5729771 - Saturday 26 October 2013 3:40

I am on really good terms with my family that lives 3 hours away; occasionally I drive up to piss around town and do some shopping, and fail to mention I am in town. Sometimes you just don't feel like visiting people.

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#5729316 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:12

Well, I hope you're okay. You have to pay attention.!

By ninjuh_wingman | 29

#5729319 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:13

Those damn sneaky potholes. They always appearing at the worst times.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5729348 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:26

Is there ever a good time for potholes?

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5729441 - Friday 25 October 2013 20:32

When someone you hate rides I to them?

By thatonegirlnic | 10

#5729321 - Friday 25 October 2013 19:13

Good way to make a new friend. Compassion breeds cooperation