Miscellaneous: Today, I came home to find all of the wood in my house either...

By woodless - 09/12/2012 15:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to find all of the wood in my house either broken or gone. On the now legless table there was a note from my mother, saying that she needed the wood to build a boat, and that I will thank her when the world ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 962

You deserved it 1 946

Miscellaneous

Batman

Empathy lives

Thanks, great feedback everyone!

By James - 05/11/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, before having morning sex, my girlfriend for over a year whispers to me "Do that thing you did at the Halloween party". There was no morning sex as I reminded her that I was sick with the flu then and didn't go with her to the party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 967

You deserved it 2 794

Cheers

By toastynippies - 24/02/2015 19:32 - United States

Today, my mom sent me a picture of a blank piece of paper, saying it was a drawing of all the people who wanted to date me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 150

You deserved it 3 204

Oops, I Did It Again

By Anonymous - 12/09/2019 04:00 - United States - New York

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 660

You deserved it 714

By ovawerkrd - 16/01/2011 17:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished working a week's overtime managing admin, stock, finances, and three members of staff. I realised that despite all my extra work, I actually earn less per hour than the students who only work on the weekends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 906

You deserved it 2 732

By manhood fading away - 25/12/2016 20:24 - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, because it was our first Christmas as a couple, I was careful to get my girlfriend what I considered to be a very thoughtful gift. She opened it, took one look at it, made a face like I'd just kicked a puppy, and told me that in future it would be better if I just gave her money so she could buy her own presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 938

You deserved it 737

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Anonymous - 26/04/2020 02:00

Today, one of my UNIVERSITY students submitted an incomplete assignment file to the online learning platform. I emailed him, "You will need to send me the correct file via email, as the system does not accept resubmissions." I literally got as a reply, "So, what do I need to do?" Online teaching is hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 702

You deserved it 169

By markderanjer - 04/11/2012 00:37 - United Kingdom - Ealing

Today, I found out that not only is my girlfriend enough of a superstitious twat to believe the world is going to end on December 21st, she actually thinks it's an acceptable excuse to go sleep around with other men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 049

You deserved it 3 409

By Anonymous - 23/08/2012 16:50 - Canada - London

Today, while working at the pet store, I had to feed the snakes. I'd thawed too many mice, so instead of wasting one, I fed it to our turtles. They decided to play tug of war with it, ripping it in half in front of several terrified children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 628

You deserved it 29 712

Back in the red

By Brandon Lafantaisie - 03/05/2020 14:00

Today, I sneezed and pulled every muscle in my lower back. For the third time in two years, after $3000+ in physiotherapy. Round 3, here we come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 207

By Timeless - 24/02/2009 05:22 - Canada

Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said "You should know already". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 179

You deserved it 55 792

By Chris - 12/08/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I was watching TV when a Toy Story 3 commercial came on. My Mom said, "Oh, I remember when I took you to see Toy Story. Now Andy's all grown up and so are you. The only difference is Andy is going to college and you're not." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 166

You deserved it 46 021

By ddeit - 19/08/2011 02:10 - New Zealand

Today, I was having a chat with a customer. He asked if I was married, to which I replied, "No." Before I could say anything else, he said, "Thought so. You look too happy to be married." I was about to mention that I just got engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 307

You deserved it 3 658

By Irrationalwife - 31/03/2019 00:00

Today, my husband and I got into a fight about his pervert friend who regularly shows blatant disrespect for our marriage, including sending me inappropriate texts. Apparently this friend should have my full trust, and apparently I am the one with the issue for not excusing his bad behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 328

You deserved it 197

By Sad.To.Be.Me. - 13/01/2012 23:56 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 485

You deserved it 4 437

Get creative

By Anonymous - 13/05/2021 00:01

Today, I was put in charge of painting a storage shed. The company owner ordered me to paint it a shade of blue. The site manager order me to paint it red. My boss ordered green paint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 49

By crookedteeth - 27/08/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, for my birthday, my mom presented me with a $4,000 check to pay for my braces. I've been very self-conscious about my teeth for years. Everyone applauded and told me how happy they were for me. Later, my mom asked me for the check back. Apparently it was just meant to make her look good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 195

You deserved it 2 815

By blahpizzablah - 22/06/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I was delivering pizzas for my summer job. I got a big order to deliver for a fellow graduate's party. While I was being paid for the order my friend shows up and says "Don't pay him, his parents are rich, he can handle it." Then they shut the door and took off. The bill was $75. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 521

You deserved it 3 798

By Kyra.45 - 03/10/2013 22:46 - United States - Troy

Today, I was so sexually frustrated that I tried getting off with a banana. It was not enjoyable, for me or the banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 088

You deserved it 32 364

OCD FML

By k…… - 13/10/2021 03:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I watched a tutorial video on YouTube. In the video, the guy had several apps with 50+ red notification dots on them, and it bothered me so much that I couldn’t even finish the video. I couldn’t find a single other video that could help me with my particular issue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 643

By uglychick - 05/09/2009 17:29 - Canada

Today, my brother came out of the shower and sat with my mom and me on the couch. He then says he liked the idea of the extra toothbrush in the shower, it helps him clean between his toes. I have been using that to brush my teeth for the last two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 706

You deserved it 9 710

By ViviMage - 11/06/2019 02:00

Today, I was nearly T-Boned at a stop sign by my ex-roommate. I moved 10 miles away to get away from her after her midlife crisis, and her losing the house, and now avoid her end of town. She now works outside my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 702

You deserved it 116

Creepy crawlies

By xUnluckyx - 18/03/2010 05:45 - Canada

Today, I was working, ripping siding off a house. I pulled off a sheet that was over my head. I got rained with what I thought was wood chips that were behind the siding. Turns out they were dead grasshoppers. Guess what I found in my bra after work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 124

You deserved it 3 776

By Hailey Antone - 10/09/2011 19:01 - United States

Today, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, and swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 276

You deserved it 3 103

By Anonymous - 12/07/2019 20:00

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 545

You deserved it 933

By Anonymous - 02/09/2013 04:16 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 531

You deserved it 6 820

By hatemebeforetheyevenhatch - 24/02/2015 00:08 - United Kingdom - Clydebank

Today, I ordered Chinese and told them I was allergic to eggs. I took a bite and I found some egg, quickly spat it out and took my antihistamines. When I returned with it and complained about my potential demise, they gave me a free orange to apologise. I'm allergic to oranges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 662

You deserved it 5 821

By prego - 24/08/2010 16:01 - Canada

Today, because I am pregnant with a weak bladder, I woke up with morning sickness and had to decide very quickly whether I wanted to vomit or pee in the toilet. I now have to clean the chunks off the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 462

You deserved it 5 292

By pardon my English :$ - 09/08/2013 22:53 - France

Today, I let a friend read a draft of the novel I'm writing. She claimed the antagonist is blatantly based on her, and threatened to sue me if I don't pay her royalties. The antagonist is an ancient, insane goblin witch. I guess I see now how this confusion could arise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 426

You deserved it 3 555

From the bottom of my... stomach?

By WhyICantHaveNiceThings - 15/03/2018 19:00

Today, I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to interview someone I’ve greatly admired for years and grew up watching. I was naturally nervous, but I didn’t expect to be so nervous I would throw up on him in the first 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 069

You deserved it 446

By Dixienornous - 03/06/2016 11:05 - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, my wallet got stolen. I don't have a photo ID to get a temporary debit card, and since I don't have a debit card, I can't go to the DMV to get a new license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 067

You deserved it 1 151

By twingirl - 14/08/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, my grandma went to get birthday gifts for my twin sister and me. She returned with 2 shirts that read "I see you've met the twins" in big letters across the chest. She gave them to us and said, "Isn't this cute? 'cause you're twins!" I then had to explain to her what the shirt was actually referring to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 709

You deserved it 4 137

By JackNicholsonInChinatown - 25/10/2016 02:58

Today, like most days, my cat tried to wake me up with a gentle, fluffy paw pat on my nose. This morning, however, he managed to get his claw caught inside my nostril. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 483

You deserved it 864

By Anonymous - 09/12/2012 16:29 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 942

You deserved it 11 100

Ultimately

By "penne_pasta580802" - 23/01/2020 14:00

Today, I decided to take my car to work as I had some errands to do after. I only live a few blocks away. After driving round to find a car park for ages, the closest car park available was outside my house. I ended up walking to work instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 808

You deserved it 560

By Anonymous - 25/11/2011 03:51 - United States

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 173

You deserved it 50 972

Power in Christ

By Sinnersinner - 21/09/2014 11:27 - United States - Ontario

Today, I was having sex with this amazingly hot guy. Things got pretty intense, and right as I was about to orgasm, the gold crucifix came flying off his necklace and sliced my eyelid open. Message received. Well played, God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 822

You deserved it 7 566

By Uggghhh - 09/05/2017 02:00

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 214

You deserved it 1 724

By Anonymous - 10/08/2013 19:28 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I took my driving test. As I was about to turn at a green light, a car sped toward us from the other direction, running a red light. My instructor failed me because I stopped to avoid getting rammed. Apparently I should have kept going, because it was my right of way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 474

You deserved it 3 610

By Miguel - 20/08/2011 19:40 - United States

Today, in algebra, I took out my notebook. My Chinese teacher was so impressed with my "Chinese" writings on the cover that I'm now her "favorite student". Those "Chinese" symbols are actually Japanese, but I wanted someone to like me so badly that I didn't correct her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 236

You deserved it 5 610

By anonymous - 28/11/2013 11:41 - Canada - Sarnia

Today, I found out that since there are 3 people with the same name as me at work, I'm known as "the ugly one". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 454

You deserved it 3 553

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Top comments

NoOneCaresReally 8

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:45

You will, your mum's obviously the next noah!

xactownife 7

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:46

She doesn't have very long to build her boat :o

NoOneCaresReally 8

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:45

You will, your mum's obviously the next noah!

Airman1988 9

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Sunday 9 December 2012 19:10

Next she is going to be collecting all the pairs of animals for this ark she is building. I know where she can find a few jackasses.

RvidxrKlvn 8

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Sunday 9 December 2012 21:28

No-ah she ain't.

Ddevon 4

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Sunday 9 December 2012 22:22

Why wood she do that

mynamesnoah 6

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Sunday 9 December 2012 22:23

Heheh. Mynamesnoah.

JocelynKaulitz 28

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Monday 10 December 2012 0:50

Watch when the world decides to end with termites.

imaginaryvoice 18

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Monday 10 December 2012 2:29

It's the end of the world, so you decide to build a boat? Unless her boat can withstand all end of the world possibilities, I'm not sure I follow this.

N3766 20

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:16

I thought it will be zombie apocalypse, not just a flood....

oj101 33

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:31

Everyone thought Noah was crazy at first, so get the hell on her boat!

lolfood 24

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Saturday 22 December 2012 9:04

The world didn't end today.

xactownife 7

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:46

She doesn't have very long to build her boat :o

Stealthed 8

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Sunday 9 December 2012 19:00

I'd question the structural integrity of a boat built by someone who cut up the family dining table for "wood". Better let her test it first I think.

woodless_fml 9

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Sunday 9 December 2012 22:23

#2, You are right, she doesn't, but until today she has been "analyzing the movie 2012 on how to survive and thinks that a boat is the best way" FML

wickedninja918 1

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Sunday 9 December 2012 22:36

If I were you I'd tell her to go to the nearest home depot.

Bibliovore 26

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Monday 10 December 2012 0:07

#15 -- Not to mention someone who took the legs but left the big flat table part. *wry grin*

Harpy20 24

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Monday 10 December 2012 8:38

Did she take your husband too?

BrimfullOfAsher 20

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Monday 10 December 2012 8:44

Save a good two-by-four to smack her the next time that she tries to come into your house.

NzaHaFML 13

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:46

You should tell her that another part of the Mayan calendar was found

camsterjoe 12

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:52

But it only applies to those that haven't chopped up furniture.

tigerisabelle 31

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 3:53

#9 - She should say that it only applies to those who aren't insane. Cuz, y'know... she's insane LOL

equin0xx 6

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:46

Oh so thats what she ment when she said she wanted your dad's wood last night!

MrForgetable 0

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Sunday 9 December 2012 20:43

Hahaha, I laughed my ass off! Thanks for making my day!

equin0xx 6

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Monday 10 December 2012 0:04

You are welcome. :)

malfanese 6

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:47

Guess she really needed some wood... Too bad she wanted yours.

NigerianMedicine 11

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:52

That is wrong on so many levels.

Skinwalker131 5

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:49

Well at least you'll never worry about a flood...

CanCann 16

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:51

Time to take back her key.

gmaniac93 7

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:51

HAHA lol your moms psycho!!!

lilhellian 26

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Sunday 9 December 2012 19:42

Sigh.. *bang* Put him back in the woodwork.

CharresBarkrey 15

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Sunday 9 December 2012 23:27

Is it completely necessary for a "haha" and an "lol" to follow each other like that?

Sandsh8rk 36

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Monday 10 December 2012 1:35

Also, you're.

CharresBarkrey 15

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Monday 10 December 2012 6:03

78 - Really? You are moms psycho?

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:54

Listen to your mother she Noahs best!

BunchieRules 31

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Sunday 9 December 2012 19:14

I sea what you did there. Unfortunately, in the case of a flood, I don't think OP wood want to put his life in the hands of his crazy mom.

shushu26 20

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Sunday 9 December 2012 19:24

Her*

BunchieRules 31

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Sunday 9 December 2012 19:41

32 - Apologies. I obviously didn't know what I was talking a-boat. I now predict a tidal wave of thumbs down.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Sunday 9 December 2012 19:46

Why didn't sea just ask me? I Noah guy who wood help her out.

mercsl65 7

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Sunday 9 December 2012 22:03

Haha I just read the post with the woods and seas an whatnot. Funny! U made my face move

luminos77 3

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Monday 10 December 2012 7:24

Fail. Sea doesn't sound like she.

LolFMLnot 10

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:55

The world is not gonna end. Once your mom realizes that you can have a laugh about it with your dad

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 44

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 160

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 1 287

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