Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Today, I lay in bed reflecting on my fiancé's complaint about my lack of displays of affection. I felt terrible, so I rolled over and hugged him in his sleep. He's a fully trained martial artist and his immediate reaction was to try to snap my neck. FML
Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML
Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML
Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML
Today, sleeping in a little late, I was woken up by my phone. Still tired, I quickly checked the display to realize it was my girlfriend calling. I pick up the phone saying, "Hey baby girl!" She seemed pretty startled, so I double-checked and realized it was my new boss, who has the name as my girlfriend. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
hailhall 0
hahha when my brother came home after boot camp he said dont come to my bed and shake me to wake up. if anything flick the light on and yell at me
wira176 2
I have the same experience but with my Dad. He practiced Silat throughout his youth and his sense of awareness is off the charts - one time I tried waking me up by shaking him he proceeded to knock my ass off the floor before fully waking up. Nowadays I just gently tickle his big toe but from a safe distance.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (91)
bob123456_fml 0
because his girlfriend is strong and can kiss his ass where as most girls wouldn't be able to beat up their boyfriend........well i can ;P
sabr3sfan26 0
Wow . Nice .
LeCorsaire_fml 0
Dump her
blahblahblah43 0
y is evry1 sayin they want a gf tht can kill u?
pippacrawford 4
think Lara Croft. I'm a girl and I think a woman who can kick ass is sexy
bob123456_fml 0
oops. btw i meant KICK his ass not KISS his ass. my bad
KingDingALing 9
that made a big difference in the setence lol
buckeye91011 0
I am a blackbelt in taekwondo and anytime someone raises their hand next to me or something i flinch by putting an arm up to defend myself. Everyone thinks my parents beat me
shootergurl99 4
I know!! Same here! When I come in to school with a lot of bruises, it makes every one think it that much more, when really it's cause I'm a klutz
iwraith88 0
****** badass!
Clarity 0
Well yeah.. That sucks and all.. But if she's in the french army, how bad could it have been?
lemonypower 6
No OP isn't from France it is just that France is the default location if you decide not to choose a location :/
baybe143 0
LMAI
shadyman_fml 0
kinky