Love: Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together,... - FML

By Jebus - Canada

Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML

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Triage

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

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By Anonymous - United States - Greensburg

Today, I was on my way to college when I got in a car wreck with none other than my professor. My car was totaled and couldn't drive, but his could so I missed class, but he still made it. The end result? He marked me as an "unexcused absence" and gave me a zero. The accident was his fault. FML

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By fuckingbeliebers - United States - Gorham

Today, my friend and I were discussing music bands, and I asked who her favorite Queen member is. She looked at me like I was from another world and said, "I don't have a favorite British queen. That's like, so weird." FML

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By nomorebeard - United States

Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML

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By BritishDates

Today, my long-distance British boyfriend of 7 years canceled his plane ticket to visit me in the USA. He claims he "doesn't have enough money" to stay for 2 weeks. As I began canceling all the reservations, he called to say he bought a new car and a house. FML

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By Jack Faire

Today, I sat down to do my taxes. As I was going over my forms, I found my employer only took $1.72 out the entire year for my Federal Income Taxes. I now owe the IRS over $500 that I don't have. FML

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By he is going to hell - Australia - Forestville

Today, I found out my little brother is a highly committed Nazi. He goes to meetings and everything, my parents think it's great he is "getting out and developing a social life." FML

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By Anonymous

Marriage (Dress) Story

Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML

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By Moosh - Australia

Today, my stepdad did a crap in the shape of the number 2, took a picture of it and showed it to all my friends at my party, while we were eating. FML

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By ripped - Canada

Today, I saw a dime on the ground. When I bent down to pick it up, my $80 dollar pants ripped. FML

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By Charity - United States

Slashing Prices Left and Right!

Today, I tutored a kid for two hours, for $25 an hour. When it came time for them to pay, my mother told the kid's parents that they could give me ten bucks for the whole thing. She does this a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, I had a doctor's appointment because I've recently lost weight. I'm already underweight, and I was concerned because the weight loss has been causing some other health concerns to worsen. My doctor's exact words of advice? "Eating food usually leads to weight gain." FML

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By loser - France

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML

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By poorman - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML

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By Ihavealisp - United States

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

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By no cake for me - United States - Jackson Heights

Today, my best friend told me that I wasn't invited to her wedding, saying that I was too pretty and that I would outshine her at the ceremony. I laughed and said that she was being ridiculous. She eventually confessed the real reason why I wasn't invited: apparently I'm an annoying bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 12:01 - United States - Phoenix

Mother knows best

Today, while visiting my parents, I observed that I've been able to visit more often because I've avoided getting sick the whole year. My mother responded by reminding me that I need to get my act together if I'm going to lose weight and get healthier. Not the reaction I hoped for, Mom. FML

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By Happy Employee - United States

Today, I returned from my first paid vacation in the past 2 years from a place with no cell, or internet. I've just found out that our department has been downsized. FML

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By jreed509 - United States

Today, while riding a roller coaster I got hit in the chest by a wasp going 80 miles per hour. As if that didn't hurt enough it somehow managed to survive and fell down my shirt. It crawled around and bit me a few times before the ride ended. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 10:58

Our insect overlords

Today, something flew up the back of my shorts while I was at work. I now have itchy hot welts the size of my palm coating the back and inside of both my upper thighs. FML

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By pamcakes

Today, my dog pooped on the floor, and the Roomba my sweet boyfriend bought me as a housewarming gift, ran over it. FML

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By metalflower01 - United States

Today, I had to cancel my wedding. On top of being upset about the break up, I was informed I owed a $900 cancellation fee for not using the venue. Single and broke. FML

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By KC - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML

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By NotTellingYouMyName - United States - South Salem

Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML

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By Rye - United States

Today, I let my friend cut my hair and after a few minutes, she looked at what she had done and then she ran out of the room, laughing. FML

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By Fml24609 - United States

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king size bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

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By Deadfish - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML

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By Erbtosis - United States - Seattle

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

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By laurencoc - Australia - Perth

Today, I dyed my hair purple. I came out of the salon and a little girl walked past and said, "Wow, you look like a mermaid!", to which her mother quickly said, "No she doesn't, she looks like her parents don't love her." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend was having a party. It was going good until I got the hiccups really bad, and they wouldn't go away. My friend decided to scare them away by shooting a pellet gun right next to my head. Bad news: It blew out my eardrum. I still have the hiccups. FML

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By Richard - United States

Today, a DNA test proved that my 2-month-old daughter isn't mine. The real father is my girlfriend's husband, whom she married last year when she lied to me about going on a vacation. We've been together for three years and I never knew. FML

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By Disappointed

Today, my brother came up with what he thought was a genius idea for how to make money. I then had to explain to him that insurance fraud is illegal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was explaining the inner parts of a vagina and how they work. To my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML

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By Biologyfacepalm - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

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By King_of_Cha0s - United States - San Jose

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

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By verycre8tive - Romania

Today, after a few drinks my dad decided to tell me the story of how I was born. He wanted a baby girl after my brother, and mum didn't want any more children. So he tricked her by giving her the wrong pill. That should explain a lot. FML

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By BagBoy - United States

Today, I was taking out a customer's groceries when he offered me a $5 tip. I told him I couldn't accept, since it's against store policy, but thanked him anyway. He called me an asshole just as my boss was walking to his car, who then yelled at me for it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, working at a daycare centre, when packing up the kids' beds after sleep time, I slipped and landed in a puddle. Of urine. I had no spare pants. I had to wear them for the rest of my shift. FML

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By FreakinthePink

Today, I walked into my room to find my roommate's boyfriend trying on one of my pink, lacy bras. My roommate then yelled at me for coming home early. FML

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Top comments

By linzhart333 | 8

#40845 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:55

Mistake #1: You brought home a random drunk girl from a bar.

Mistake #2: You brought her home, where you live WITH YOUR PARENTS.

Mistake #3: You are old enough to go to bars, and you live with your parents.

Wow. Three strikes. You're out.

By livelaughlovinit | 0

#63051 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:25

Dude.... get a life. You live with your parents, I'm guessing you're over 21 since you were in a bar, and you're bringing girls home with you? That's pretty pathetic.

COMMENTS

By maiden_girl | 5

#2122 - Saturday 14 February 2009 13:02

LMFAO @#2

By youhavenoidea | 0

#7254 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 20:57

i agree with 1,2 and 8 totally bro you gotta step your game uppp

Reply

MrCatman1125 | 2

#5041112 - Sunday 14 October 2012 5:42

How do you agree with 8 if your 6?

By 0___0 | 9

#11801 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:54

[email protected]

By jim_witness | 0

#24688 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:29

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By linzhart333 | 8

#40845 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:55

Mistake #1: You brought home a random drunk girl from a bar.

Mistake #2: You brought her home, where you live WITH YOUR PARENTS.

Mistake #3: You are old enough to go to bars, and you live with your parents.

Wow. Three strikes. You're out.

By livelaughlovinit | 0

#63051 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:25

Dude.... get a life. You live with your parents, I'm guessing you're over 21 since you were in a bar, and you're bringing girls home with you? That's pretty pathetic.

Reply

Atmaster | 3

#968388 - Friday 26 March 2010 5:01

actually in canada he could be nineteen or have a fake

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babe7260 | 30

#5773494 - Saturday 30 November 2013 19:34

actually in some parts of Canada, legal age is as low as 18 years.but hopefully learned to never bring a girl HOME to Mom & Dad's

Reply

cristy91 | 33

#6350657 - Tuesday 14 July 2015 21:59

Different cultures leave the house at different times. Many latino families encourage kids to stay until their mid 20s and a lot of times the oldest kid even stays with the parents to look after them.

By goffar4 | 0

#133939 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 22:57

you still live with your parents and your at least 21?
wow now i can see why she was drunk.

Reply

rocketpopper1030 | 11

#4855291 - Friday 24 August 2012 10:51

OP is from Canada, legal age is 19. If he's 19 it's not that bad to still live with your parents, however, bringing a drunk girl home to your parents house is sort of asking for it.

By 24788 | 6

#156043 - Thursday 30 April 2009 8:36

Lol, you need your own place.

By sabr3sfan26 | 0

#264155 - Thursday 4 June 2009 5:18

Wow you are an idiot. That's as simply as I can put it.

By 3CardMonte | 0

#314498 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 15:21

Hahahahaha!