Intimacy: Today, I blew my load in less than a minute. I wasn't having... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 196

You deserved it 50

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 991

16/12/2014 12:01

Spicy

Today, I blew my load in less than a minute. I wasn't having sex or even making out. I was spooning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 603

You deserved it 8 240

Broken heart

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Mama's boy

Check this out!

By What an ass - 23/02/2021 14:01

Today, while using my phone camera as a mirror, I managed to broadcast a Facebook Live video of myself applying haemorrhoid cream to my asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 1 128

That escalated badly

By Anonymous - 19/03/2020 09:03

Spicy

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 283

You deserved it 309

Flip-flopping

By Brandenn J Moore - 11/07/2021 04:01

Today, my girlfriend, who I've been living with for the last month, told me she's not attracted to me and wants to see other people. She told me this after months of dating and telling me she was thinking about having a child with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 75

04/10/2011 18:31

Today, I spent almost $200 on a planetarium show with my boyfriend, who loves astronomy. He said his favorite thing about it was that he could pick his nose without anyone noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 326

You deserved it 3 765

23/11/2015 03:17

Today, I drove 3 hours to surprise my girlfriend, who I hadn't seen in 3 weeks. When she opened the door, she gasped, told me to fuck off and slammed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 694

You deserved it 2 342

19/05/2009 10:13

Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee. He walked up, looked me over and said "Ummm, no", then walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 764

You deserved it 8 555

Thanks for being so compassionate

By Anonymous - 17/01/2021 01:59

Today, and for the past year, I've been struggling with depression because of family life. I've been talking to my mom for the past weeks, telling her things that happen when she isn't home as a way to build trust. I finally told her I have depression and have had had it for a long time. She laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 61

26/12/2015 04:24

Today, a customer gave me the dirtiest look ever and muttered "goody two-shoes prick" after I asked if he'd like to donate a few cents to charity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 577

You deserved it 1 807

03/05/2019 03:00

Today, at a cheap restaurant, my dad asked me if I wanted a straw. I declined, saying I wanted to do my bit for the environment and not waste plastic when I'm fine without. He grabbed three and dropped them on the sticky table, "just in case." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 607

You deserved it 482

Panic

By not a cancerous pimple - 31/01/2015 00:11

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 294

You deserved it 27 297

24/02/2014 19:36

Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd been crying inconsolably and wouldn't say what was wrong. After pleading with my boss, I rushed home. Turns out there was an "ugly" sofa in a TV ad and she felt it was "picking on ugly sofas". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 387

You deserved it 4 624

11/04/2009 08:07

Today, I went to Britney's concert. About halfway through the show, the person next to me turns to me and asks, "Can you do me a favour?" Thinking that she wanted me to look after her stuff, I said sure. Her next sentence was: "Can you stop singing?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 041

You deserved it 44 118

I need it

By Anonymous - 31/08/2020 06:55

Spicy

Today, my husband and I have such busy careers, we have to schedule sex for when we’re both at home and hopefully not too tired, otherwise we’d never have sex at all. The last time we had sex was on my birthday, in April, and our next appointment is mid September. I really miss sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 689

You deserved it 525

26/05/2016 14:06

Today, I finally tested out my new robot vacuum cleaner. My puppy decided she would test it out too by leaving a brown surprise for it to find, which it did. There are now brown marks in every room of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 935

You deserved it 1 635

27/04/2013 12:42

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with my sister, due to involuntary muscle spasms she was having. They gave her a muscle relaxer which caused her to be extremely tired and loopy. She decided to start singing loudly with a song she made up about butt fucking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 828

You deserved it 5 125

16/06/2016 10:14

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was so angry, she stabbed me in the hand with a plastic fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 301

You deserved it 1 999

13/06/2013 18:56

Today, I decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. My dad just looked him dead in the eyes and said, "How much did she pay you? I doubt it was enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 355

You deserved it 3 819

07/12/2011 05:26

Today, it was my first time as a hockey referee, for a game played by 7-year-olds. At one point, a little boy tripped another boy. Doing my job, I gave him 2 minutes in the penalty box. After the game, I was attacked by a mob of parents. I was even given an optometrist's business card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 927

You deserved it 2 552

18/06/2015 22:53

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 025

You deserved it 4 394

20/12/2011 17:16

Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 617

You deserved it 5 556

18/03/2019 06:00

Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother heard me and started crying and stopped talking to me for a whole hour. Now he tells everyone about that time his sister farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 871

You deserved it 304

14/09/2013 21:51

Today, my 16-year-old cousin came to visit for the week. So far, she's said "raunchy", "cray-cray", "legit", and "like" an uncountable number of times. She's only been here for a half hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 737

You deserved it 3 719

On the rocks

By future divorcee - 06/08/2021 20:01

Spicy

Today, I told my husband that if he wanted any chance of salvaging our marriage, we would have to go to counseling and he must cut ALL ties with the woman he had an affair with. The sniveling worm actually had the audacity to ask, “If we stop the sex, can I still stay friends with her?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 711

You deserved it 209

07/05/2015 21:56

Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 018

You deserved it 3 455

02/02/2010 11:25

Today, I had a big meeting. Half way through my presentation, I sneezed, and continued talking. I get some weird looks from my co-worker but I didn't understand what he meant. When I finished, I passed by my boss walking to my chair, he gave me a handkerchief. Why? Snot was all over my tie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 195

You deserved it 4 741

08/02/2014 00:18

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 585

You deserved it 10 302

13/04/2013 17:26

Today, I got the chance to speak to some of the top academics in my field. I was so hungover that I couldn't remember the title of the Masters degree I've spent two years studying for, let alone make intelligent comments. I'm pretty sure the only thing I got right was my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 673

You deserved it 108 085

Rock Bottom Riser

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 08:19

Today I realized that my boyfriend has more money on his Metro card than I have in my entire bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 414

You deserved it 259

21/03/2011 10:57

Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 204

You deserved it 4 250

20/01/2009 21:38

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 761

You deserved it 23 899

15/06/2009 02:35

Today, my mom accused me of having an eating disorder, and I didn't correct her. Truth is, I lost weight after I went off the pill a year ago. I'm too embarrassed to tell my mom that I haven't had anyone in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 877

You deserved it 7 559

It's not working

By naas1201 - 10/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, and since the beginning of our couples therapy, my wife and I don't do it anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 458

You deserved it 251

15/04/2016 05:54

Today, as I was stretching, I realized my hand can reach all the way up to touch the fan, when it was on, and going full speed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 910

You deserved it 3 720

25/05/2011 08:23

Spicy

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, and she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 782

You deserved it 19 097

01/03/2009 00:22

Today, my fiancée broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 367 721

You deserved it 32 608

29/01/2016 12:51

Today, I received yet another letter from a relative bitching me out for not involving my parents in my wedding. The parents who showed no interest in our relationship and then yelled at my fiancé and me when we announced it to them, calling us stupid, naive, heathens, and mentally ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 966

You deserved it 1 724

10/12/2016 02:38

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 556

You deserved it 748

25/06/2012 03:03

Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said "Yeah, yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 424

You deserved it 6 159

17/12/2015 02:47

Today, I was at an amusement park with friends. We wanted to get a picture of all four of us, so we asked a nice-looking man to take it for us on my brand-new iPhone 6s. He took something. Unfortunately, it wasn't a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 166

You deserved it 7 495

He has issues

By just a joke - 08/06/2020 20:08

Today, I playfully drew thick eyebrows on my one-year-old son to make him look like a cartoon villain. He laughed cutely in the mirror as I took some adorable pictures. When my husband saw, he threw such a horrendous fit about boys and makeup, I was reduced to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 552

You deserved it 323

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Top comments

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:50

Well...fork.

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:46

Excited much?

Comments

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:46

Excited much?

incoherentrmblr 21

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 20:17

Well... you ejaculated quickly...

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 22:33

Easy cum, easy go

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:46

First

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:47

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:49

reminds me of the scene from American pie. atta boy jimbo!

garrett_8614 14

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 19:30

Reminds me of that scene from Don Jon

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:50

Well...fork.

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 22:24

Well this ejaculated quickly... Escalated I mean

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Wednesday 17 December 2014 18:16

You suck!.. Ya jackass!

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Thursday 18 December 2014 0:31

Dude, too spoon.

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Wednesday 1 February 2017 21:32

Is that a Happy Gilmore reference?? :D

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:50

Spooning leads to forking. Edit: Welshite , you beat me to it.

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:52

That's knife of you to give me credit. Thanks!

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:57

@devildog562 Hahaha his name makes it sound like you said: "well shit, you beat me to it" unless I pronounced your username wrong @welshite

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:59

With such a silver tongue like yours, I'm sure I'll hear from you spoon.

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 18:04

#14 I was attempting to use it as a synonym.

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Wednesday 17 December 2014 0:53

Spooning leads to forking: use condiments.

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Wednesday 17 December 2014 18:18

Is there not sporking?

Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:51

You probably masturbate a lot, don't you?

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 18:57

actually not enough

tournamentdecide 33

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 23:53

Like Mad Eye Moody says, "Constant viligance."

Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:51

You probably masturbate a lot, don't you?

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:54

you Probably masturbate a lot, don't you? third times the charm....right?

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 18:00

Never go out with a loaded gun! It's dangerous for everyone.

connorgrant98 24

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 18:02

The fact that he came fast implies that either he doesn't masturbate often or he didn't do it recently.

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 18:27

I'd suggest vigorous beating of the salami before you guys have sex to prevent yourself from submitting another FML about how you busted when she put a condom on you.

ChristianH39 30

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 19:50

"vigorous beating of the salami" almost made me dribble coffee on myself laughing

lilchica22001 22

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Wednesday 17 December 2014 6:16

Premature coffee dribbling @ #45

Ilovemysphynx 19

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:53

Practice makes perfect. :)

cherry_popper69 11

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Wednesday 17 December 2014 2:26

I dont think he wanted to blow his load in a minute? Why would he practise that

patrickalamo 47

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Wednesday 17 December 2014 4:32

Reload and try again.

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Thursday 25 December 2014 1:34

wat

Eliseopwns 22

Tuesday 16 December 2014 17:53

... Bless your partner's soul.