Love and Intimacy: Today, I went on a date with a guy who turned out to be my older...

By "liisiuu" - 13/07/2017 05:00

Today, I went on a date with a guy who turned out to be my older brother's friend. In the middle of the night we were drunk and got stuck in my room after the key broke inside the lock. My brother had to help my date climb out of the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 965

You deserved it 863

Love Intimacy

The smell detective is on the case

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Spreading

By Twilightsux - 31/01/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend had replaced our picture in her locket for a picture of Taylor Lautner shirtless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 190

You deserved it 6 112

By bonzo - 22/06/2015 14:41 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after I drove two hours to his house, because he wanted to do it face to face. Then told me that if I wanted, we could have sex one last time, but I would have to leave right after, otherwise it would be weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 787

You deserved it 2 674

By Anonymous - 03/08/2016 15:31 - United States - Middleboro

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 975

You deserved it 1 866

True romantic

By Anonymous - 28/03/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. During the act, he looked deep in to my eyes before whispering, "Up the arse next time?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 058

You deserved it 333

By yay! - 08/11/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 760

You deserved it 32 217

By Anonymous - 08/04/2015 17:19 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I walked in on my 17-year-old brother jerking it to a scene from the movie Frozen. Brain bleach, please. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 218

You deserved it 4 603

Shy bowels

By Dragoness11 - 27/03/2014 14:12 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I still have my ridiculous fear of being heard on the toilet, and I can't go if people are around. I'd just sat down on the toilet when three of my housemates started chatting immediately outside the door. I had to sit silently until they were gone. For half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 072

You deserved it 9 625

By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 11:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I sent a christmas card to my husband's uncle and aunt. I'd forgotten that the uncle died last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 698

You deserved it 35 784

By hold your horses pony boy - 18/04/2014 18:24 - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 151

You deserved it 13 663

By IsThisRealLife - 01/02/2016 17:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 847

You deserved it 5 770

By Need To Bathe In Deodorant - 17/07/2016 19:23 - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, it's so insanely hot that no matter how often I shower or use deodorant the smell of my armpits makes me feel physically sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 800

You deserved it 1 032

Perks

By Username - 01/06/2011 12:35 - Canada

Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 343

You deserved it 31 833

By poorbastard - 30/08/2014 08:35 - Canada - Longueuil

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 419

You deserved it 3 794

By LizzyJones - 20/08/2013 17:38 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 119

You deserved it 8 971

By finalfantasy - 21/06/2018 17:30 - United States - Aurora

Today, my brother thought it would be absolutely hilarious to replace my cold sore cream with superglue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 763

You deserved it 248

By chrono64 - 20/12/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 364

You deserved it 3 330

Desperate times, desperate, dumb measures

By WTFiswrongwithme - 03/03/2020 00:01

Today, I was so desperate for human interaction that I asked a deaf girl in my class if she liked music. I actually signed it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 856

By Autocorrected - 26/11/2012 20:13 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 404

You deserved it 3 349

By Nasty - 30/08/2011 16:48 - United States

Today, after using the bar of soap in the shower to wash my face, I looked down and noticed it was covered in my husband's pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 229

You deserved it 11 537

By Anonymous - 10/03/2012 02:05 - United States

Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 833

You deserved it 3 230

By Mak10 - 10/12/2010 06:53 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you tell your child that they're old enough to cook their own food in the microwave, you have to make sure they're smart enough not to put the metal spoon in with the food as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 270

You deserved it 36 876

By fail - 14/04/2011 22:27 - Canada

Today, to impress my friends, I attempted to do a back flip. The only one impressed was the doctor who set my broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 954

You deserved it 38 362

By lamb-chop - 02/12/2008 06:32 - France

Today, my philosophy teacher asked me about my parents. I replied that my mum was a cleaner and my dad was a bus driver. In an astonished voice, she said, "But, you're clever..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 798

You deserved it 2 405

Almost there

By Anonymous - 22/04/2020 14:03

Today, I discovered that my contract start date is exactly 2 days outside of the furlough date. Meaning instead of taking 80% of my salary, I'm only getting 40% (thanks to the company). This would be fine if I hadn't just moved countries to get this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 488

You deserved it 155

By meegs - 17/10/2010 00:31 - Canada

Today, my sister asked me if she could go into my closet to borrow my favourite dress for a party she was going to tonight. When I asked her where she was going, she said to a Halloween costume party. My sister is going as a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 999

You deserved it 31 703

By jp_boards - 12/12/2017 14:58

Today, I went to the emergency room for a broken collarbone. This wouldn’t be so bad if my parents hadn’t paid $20,000 for me to go to a snowboarding academy all winter. Today was day one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 265

You deserved it 952

By claustrophobic - 04/05/2016 19:03 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I have been in my "office" for 6 weeks. It is literally a closet. I was reminded of this fact when a janitor walked in without knocking, carrying empty boxes he intended to store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 286

You deserved it 888

By OperaLover - 12/09/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft and practice frequently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 058

You deserved it 3 447

Suspicious Minds

By Anonymous - 03/08/2021 16:01

Today, I finally found out why my wife always told me to never visit her at work. You see, my wife and I are dark haired with blue/brown eyes and our daughter is blonde with very striking emerald green eyes. You know who else is blonde with striking emerald eyes? My wife’s boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 560

You deserved it 88

By Anonymous - 15/09/2018 14:30 - United States - Buffalo

Today, during a meeting with my boss, she explained she's giving me one more chance before she has to fire me. Her reason? I accidentally ordered chicken on a salad last week for a meeting and she feels my performance has gone down the tubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 775

You deserved it 202

By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 147

You deserved it 5 250

By snoozerlooser - 25/12/2010 00:00 - Canada

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question". Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 346

You deserved it 7 750

Fragility

By TooAccepting - 06/01/2021 23:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I'm pansexual. I said attracts what me to him is his intelligence and personality, and would still love him whether or not he had a penis. Turns out a 100% straight cis man can prioritise his penis over his intelligence and personality, because he's really offended now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 705

You deserved it 1 024

He's fine

By NoMagicMike - 27/06/2012 16:53 - United States - La Crescent

Today, I was assigned to work on a huge project with Michael. Michael refers to himself in the third person, constantly mumbles unintelligibly to himself, doesn't smile, laugh or make eye contact, and refuses to address me directly. I'll be stuck with him for about four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 719

You deserved it 2 332

By mel - 30/08/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 809

You deserved it 15 726

By TooGulible - 12/07/2016 20:08 - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came in and started chatting me up. I got him his ice cream and as I handed it to him, he mentioned that I was cute and walked away. Then I realised he hadn't paid for the ice cream, and I didn't even get a date out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 223

You deserved it 3 718

By acnebutt - 27/08/2011 22:30 - United States

Today, thanks to my peripheral vision and a dropped mirror, I realized that I have horrible acne on my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 561

You deserved it 5 400

Possession

By Katelyn_Louise - 01/05/2021 10:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, someone left their drug bag on the table in the lounge at my place, probably a friend, and probably a mistake. The next minute the cops knock on the door and force their way in. Immediately the cop spots the drug bag and cuffs me. It wasn't even my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 764

By Anonymous - 22/06/2019 18:02

Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 127

By now what - 24/12/2014 05:56 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 070

You deserved it 3 354

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Top comments

D-MacOPsquad 15

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Thursday 13 July 2017 6:06

Oh hey Tim what are you doing at my ho- What The fuck Tim!

PossiblyInDanger 24

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Thursday 13 July 2017 7:27

There could be worse ways for your brother to find out.

Comments

D-MacOPsquad 15

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Thursday 13 July 2017 6:06

Oh hey Tim what are you doing at my ho- What The fuck Tim!

liisiuu 22

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Sunday 16 July 2017 4:43

Almost ?

PossiblyInDanger 24

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Thursday 13 July 2017 7:27

There could be worse ways for your brother to find out.

D-MacOPsquad 15

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Friday 14 July 2017 7:03

like a positive pregnancy test

D-MacOPsquad 15

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Friday 14 July 2017 7:03

like a positive pregnancy test

D-MacOPsquad 15

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Friday 14 July 2017 7:03

like a positive pregnancy test

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 13 July 2017 7:31

It’s good to have a wingman!

olga_crvjl 19

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Thursday 13 July 2017 7:52

Ohh no lol how did your brother react to him being in the first place lol

liisiuu 22

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Sunday 16 July 2017 4:31

He was more amused by the fact that I managed to broke the key and was panicking than his friend being in the room with me :D

Lobby_Bee 17

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Thursday 13 July 2017 9:38

Things are going to get awkward after trying to fuck a buddy's sister. I know that feeling.

liisiuu 22

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Sunday 16 July 2017 4:37

He actually was too scared to talk to me after that for a few weeks cause he thought he's gonna be a dead man :D

Lobby_Bee 17

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Sunday 16 July 2017 13:18

Hahahhaha silly boy. It's not talking to you that's going to get him killed, it's trying to get into your pants, which he is already guilty of. Talking to you won't change a damn thing if your brother wants to slit his throat.

lexos 16

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Thursday 13 July 2017 15:08

He doesn't follow the bro code, never ever date a sister or brother of your friends

liisiuu 22

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Sunday 16 July 2017 4:33

Neither of us knew that at the beginning, that came out later. Both of us were thinking 'oh crap that's not good' but didn't say anything

Demetrix 3

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Thursday 13 July 2017 18:48

OR it was all a clever ruse to sleep with your older brother.

ski8um 3

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Thursday 13 July 2017 20:47

Umm, doors lock from the outside with a key, not the inside.

liisiuu 22

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Sunday 16 July 2017 4:34

Not all doors. For example, my front door locks only from the outside with the key, but every other door in the house locks with a key from both sides.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 321

You deserved it 92

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 2 562