Miscellaneous: Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there... - FML

By ashley - United States

Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there is a tradition where the batmitzvah gets lifted on a chair, and so does her family. It was my turn after my sister's. I got in the chair. They couldn't lift me. FML

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Serious times

What's more embarrassing?

The bitch is back

By NotRussian - United States

Today, I had a blind date with a really cute guy. Just when I was about to invite him back to my place for a nightcap, he took out a catalog of Russian mail-order brides and asked for my help in picking out the best one. FML

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By inapickle - United States - Topsham

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML

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By Gnomead

Why People Break Bad

Today, I got turned down for a home for low income people because my income was too low. FML

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By Koko - Germany - Berlin

Today, my dog was so happy to see me that he laid down on his back and started pissing like a fountain. He pissed on everything around him, including me. FML

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By altocrm - France

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

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By Lauren - United States - New Market

Today, I had to bail on yet another date with an awesome guy. Every time I make a date, my hateful mother slips laxatives into my food so I'm glued to the shitter until 2am. This is the fourth time. FML

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By OhDear - United States

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. While I was holding my four year old son, he managed to unclip the back of my dress and give the whole church a show. FML

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By Matt L - 21/8/2020 14:07 - United States - Staten Island

Bad day

Today, I discovered a nail in the tire of my car and a nice sized crack on the screen of my phone. I didn't think the day could get worse, until on my way to fix my tire, the cherry of my cigarette fell off and burned a huge hole in my driver's seat. This was my day off. FML

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By IHateBeingAStudent

Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML

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By [email protected] - France

Today, I decided to spend a night of love with my darling, so I arranged to meet him in a very classy hotel, gave him the room number and waited in a super-sexy outfit. There was a knock at the door, so I opened it enticingly, convinced it was him. It was room service. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I didn't call her in the last few days. I tried to explain to her that I was out at my grandfather's house in a remote place with no cell service to stand by him on his death bed. She thought I was making excuses and called me a lying bastard. FML

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By ShameMonkey - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, while commuting to work on a peak hour train, I lost my balance and accidentally grabbed a bald mans head to steady myself. To make matters worse, the words "oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a knob" came out of my mouth before I could think about what I was saying. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing the five knuckle shuffle, or the one hour talk the next day about how it's perfectly normal and even she does it. FML

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By SorrySnowWhite - United States - Baltimore

Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

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By suicide - United States

Today, I took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe, causing me to cough and hack loudly. The old woman sitting across from me asked if I was okay. Jokingly, I said, "Just dying." She replied, "You too, huh?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I received a text from my girlfriend's female best friend that they have been dating for the last month. This was the week of our one year anniversary, and my birthday. We just moved into a duplex with my name on the lease. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a lunch meeting with important people from my company. While drinking from my wine glass someone cracked a joke, causing me to snort a fountain of wine all over my lap, splashing the people next to me. The horrified look on my boss's face sitting opposite me said everything. FML

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By Broke - United States

Today, I was entered into an online contest where they announce your name on the radio and if you call in within an hour they pay your bills for you. I'm unemployed, so I got really excited when they announced my name. My call wouldn't go through - I hadn't paid my phone bill and the line was disconnected. FML

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By MariosNightmare - 18/12/2020 07:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Plumbed out

Today, what should've been a five-minute job replacing a drain turned into a 2 hour ordeal just to remove the old one. The original part was put in incorrectly, so whoever did it used a full tube of silicone to make it watertight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out of town with my mother-in-law. I don't know what posessed her to start questioning me about her son's and my sex life. When I told her I wasn't talking about that, she began to dicuss her and my father-in-law's bedroom habits. The car ride was two hours. FML

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By smileydays - Canada - Merritt

Today, I had an oral English exam to present in front of three teachers. Halfway through, I completely lost my voice. They failed me because they thought I was trying to play a prank. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Conway

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

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By vikts - Luxembourg - Olm

Today, I discovered that as thanks for my successful efforts to increase my company's monthly revenue, my dumbass of a boss has been awarded a pay bonus. He's wasted no time telling everyone about the sports car he's planning to buy with it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I married the beautiful girl I’ve been in love with since we were both 6 years old. By married, I mean I performed the marriage ceremony as the vicar and watched her smile and kiss her arsehole boyfriend, now husband, right in front of me. FML

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By misc - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 8 months dumped me over the phone in between telling the Subway employees what he wanted on his sandwich. FML

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By blahblah493 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Not so anal retentive then…

Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML

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By supergirl7 - United States

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

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By IStillHaveMy8hrShiftToGo - United States - Beaverton

Today, I came in to work early at a restaurant to help out. I stocked, baked pies for the next day, cleaned and set over 50 tables, and vacuumed the entire two stories. When I went to send an order for the first customer of mine, I realized I hadn't even clocked on. Four ½ hours of work wasted. FML

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By jaydiv - Australia

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowler

Today, my girlfriend asked me not to love her so much, so she doesn't have to try so hard to match my love for her. What the fuck? FML

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By Whyudodis - Canada - New Westminster

Today, while on the skytrain, a woman leaned on the railing bar that I was holding onto, crushing my hand. My first instinct was to move my hand when she turned around and began loudly yelling at me for, "Touching her waist" and "Sexually harassing" her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted him to be a little more masculine and dominant in the bedroom. He broke up with me because I'm not "feminist enough". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML

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By FereldonBorn - United States - Roseville

Today, my dog was all over me, and I couldn't help but notice she kept sniffing towards my boobs. Turns out, she wasn't there to get love from me. She was there for a piece of food that I didn't notice had fallen in my bra. FML

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By noname - France

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

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By some people... - United States

Today, a man at the comic book store I work at asked me if Spider-Man is based on a real story, and verbally abused me when, thinking he was joking, I laughed. He wasn't. FML

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By supapimpin - United States

Today, my wife of four years revealed to me that she once had sex with six men at once back in college. Apparently she still fantasizes about it when we have sex. FML

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Top comments

By Kamazar | 0

#158526 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:38

"The snickers won't stop leaping into my mouth. FML"

By mcbeth | 0

#158487 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:34

stop being fat?

COMMENTS

By racheyvengence | 0

#158482 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:33

HAHAHAHAH.

Well..

Idk. Thats still funny.

I'm sorry.

By mich23 | 10

#158483 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:34

fail

By YLIF | 0

#158486 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:34

Mazel Tov!

By mcbeth | 0

#158487 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:34

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By bohemond_fml | 0

#158493 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:34

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By sexyx0sandyyy | 0

#158497 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:34

aww that suckss!

By czm | 0

#158500 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:35

fat ass

By Kickinchicken213 | 3

#158504 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:36

That's pretty sad.

By genius_man16 | 0

#158508 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:36

Really? another "i'm fat" FML?

how does my FML not get through moderation? really?

what. the. fuck. ever.

By lawlawlawl | 0

#158517 - Friday 1 May 2009 2:38

#5 clearly is not Jewish.... dipshit.