Intimacy: Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my...

By waitforit - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

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Intimacy

Season finale

Dad jokes, part 43884

Call CPS!

By ctmoto77 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I arrived at work to find out someone had signed me up to a dating site. Apparently, my inability to speak to women has reached "boss level". Quite literally, as my boss was the one who signed me up. FML

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By Foosa801 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML

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By SNBBFF - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

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By simple living - United States - Austin

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

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By IceMage - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML

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By supervisor - United States

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

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By rockefoe - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like he loved me. His response? "Why else would I be with you? Your looks?" He was serious. FML

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By SINGLE - Australia

Today, I planned my own wedding down to the very last detail, including favours for my guests, the sweets buffet and the bouquet of flower brooches I want. Too bad I'm still single. FML

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By thefatnurse - United States - Roswell

Today, one of the patients on the mental health unit where I work looked me up and down and said; "Well, I guess it's a popular misconception that all fat people are jolly." FML

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By TerribleAddiction - United States

Today, I decided to quit smoking. My wife conveniently decided on the same day that she was going to start smoking. FML

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By notastoner - United States

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

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By livgasms - United Kingdom

Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be 'funny as hell' to watch me freak out. FML

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By superclutz - United States

Today, I left something in my boss' office. The door was closed which usually means she isn't in there, so I asked her coworker/friend for the key. When I opened the door, she screamed at me to get out of there. Turns out, she has just stopped breast feeding her son and was pumping her breasts. FML

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By Sloppy Cashmere - United States - Bemidji

Today, I visited a waterpark with friends. At one point, a woman floating near me suddenly says to me, "How are you doing, honey?" Instinctively, I replied, "I'm well". The woman gave me a strange look and I turned around to find she was talking to her child directly behind me. FML

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By fartje - Netherlands

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer blatantly farted as I sat down, then she sneered, "Making yourself comfortable, I see..." FML

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By samsterling - United States - Blacksburg

Today, I paid $500 for a gym membership after moving into a brand new house, since 12 years of software development has taken its toll. When I told my instructor about my goal to lose 35lbs in two months, he simply said, "Yeah... That's not going to happen. Try another gym," and left promptly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

You tried

Today, after a solid month of hard work, I finally finished modeling and animating a 3D insect character for a scene. After presenting it to the rest of my team, one of my teammates pointed out that it looks exactly like a flying penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

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By coleslaw - United States

Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML

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By mykhael - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

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By thesparrow - United States

Today, the girl whom I have loved for 4 years told me that she loved me too and would like to spend her life with me. This was before she told me that God did not want us to be together. FML

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By deucelututi - United States

Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Grandpa's got game

Today, I tried out the high-tech eliptical at my gym. The 70-year-old man next to me who was also using one went faster and longer than I did, and unlike me didn't stop for a break. FML

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By maced face - United States

Today, as I was walking to my car, I noticed a car with a tail light out. Trying to be a good citizen, I walked up to the driver's side door and said "excuse me". The lady then maced me through the open window. FML

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By BikerGuy - Canada - Alhambra

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, a man wearing a Santa hat stumbled out of a bar, staggered over to my car, and vomited through the open window into my lap. FML

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By superb12345 - United States - Cascade

Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML

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By imwrong - Philippines

Today, I met a guy who said he thinks he's in love with my sister. As a joke, I told him that my sister cheats on everyone. I get home to find my sister crying, because some 'person' told her boyfriend that she's cheating on him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a very crowded restaurant. Being really shy, I requested to sit in the corner, but instead they placed me in the center of the dinning area. I started to eat my food and got really spaced out. Suddenly I sneeze-farted and everyone turned to look at me. FML

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By anon - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

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By NoConfusion - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend told me that the necklace I gave her wasn't a "unique enough gift." I spent two weeks making that necklace, link by link. FML

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By really mature, GRAN - United States - El Macero

Today, my psycho grandma yelled at me for being an "immature brat" by not offering to wash the dishes after dinner. I reminded her that when I offered last time, she raged at me for being "condescending". She responded by faking a heart attack and getting me indefinitely grounded. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, at work, I decided to try and impress this girl walking behind me by holding the door open for her. As she was walking through, I inadvertently pulled the door too hard. It slammed against the wall and ricochet back, hitting her right in the face. FML

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By jerkgirl - United States

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2020 23:10

Great guy

Today, my husband has been super happy for the last 11 weeks, as he's been able to tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Now I'm allowed to start work again, he's gone back to being super shitty. FML

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By randomusername99 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got a new dentist. You know how most dentists play soft, relaxing music? Well this guy seems to like rap a lot, and it's kinda hard getting your teeth cleaned to the sound of bullets going off. FML

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By RayniDae - United States - Port Clinton

Today, we ran out of our disposal gloves at work. After saying how grossed out I was about having to touch raw chicken with my bare hands, my female boss goes, "Just imagine you're touching yourself. That's what I do." Even more grossed out now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Around halfway through the procedure, something broke the silence in the room. It was my dentist, who had farted. I had to smell his rancid flatulence for around the next five minutes. All the while, I had to keep my mouth wide open. FML

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Top comments

By redhusk89 | 0

#136942 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:15

FAIL. Hope you've got good recovery time and she's got a sense of humor. FYI if you've got a live willing sexy woman with you WTF do you need porn for unless you were trying to talk her into a new position (or location). YDI because from where I'm sitting as a guy you just said to your gf she isn't hot enough to get you up AND you are so hot for the girl on screen that any stimulation will set you off.

P.S you made it almost 1/7 of the time needed by the way. According to recent studies the average time it takes for a woman to climax is about 7 minutes. Also another thing you might want to consider is that Men tend to be able to last twice to three times as long the second time.

Point is get a blow job then get her off with your hands or mouth. THEN tap that!

By Jonesy_fml | 0

#136889 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:03

Maybe it was just. that. hot.

COMMENTS

By Jonesy_fml | 0

#136889 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:03

Maybe it was just. that. hot.

allanaskye | 0

#1009718 - Friday 28 May 2010 3:03

maybe you should date the girl In the porn. haha..

iBhope | 7

#3225628 - Saturday 3 September 2011 3:24

kvsodeheowgwhpchx Sorry I just finished wiping all the jizz off my keyboard.

By Drunkbunny | 2

#136898 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:05

Oh to be young again :)

By uhhuh_her | 0

#136900 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:06

lol. Fail. I'm sure your girlfriend loved that.

AmericanGirl69 | 0

#2396035 - Sunday 24 April 2011 6:31

you sorta failed with your sunglasses. it's a little off there.

By ilikerainbows | 0

#136902 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:06

i am very glad i am not your girlfriend.

lol, OP's sn is waitforit

By Jesse_Forrest | 0

#136908 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:07

Porn is boring.

Just sayin'.

By I_am_stupid_also | 6

#136912 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:09

"Porn is boring. "

Ur doing it rong.

jhoward7 | 0

#1036814 - Sunday 20 June 2010 10:09

hey 6, you're spelling it wrong. lol.

mif_fml | 27

#6050787 - Thursday 28 August 2014 21:45

His name goes well with his comment.

By mattmag | 0

#136914 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:09

Haha your username is waitforit.

By gleidu77 | 0

#136915 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:09

wow, that's so sad.

By uhhuh_her | 0

#136916 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:09

Next time, how about you and your girl focus on each other. Try something new, experiment; don't put yourself in a situation to be done before it's even started. YDI

By lems18902 | 1

#136924 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:11

How old are you? 12??? LOL