Intimacy: Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my...

By waitforit - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

This Charming Man

Blabbermouth

By nzkristy - New Zealand

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

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By Anonymous

Romantic mood

Today, I rushed home because my wife called to let me know she was feeling horny for the first time after getting over a bad flu. I walked in the door and surprise surprise, her sister had called round, wanting sympathy after her latest fuck buddy dumped her. Romantic mood ruined. FML

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By Anonymous

Monday Morning Blues

Today, after a rough night, my husband's alarms started going off at 5 a.m. All 4 of them. Old town road, the Skyrim theme, that lady yelling, "I got shit to do today" and bagpipes. I'm awake. He's not. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 08:00

Busted

Today, I felt like cheating on my diet and ordered a pizza. My mom and my sister were napping, so I put in the delivery notes, “Please don’t knock.” The delivery guy knocked anyway. LOUD. My mom and sister got up and saw everything. FML

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By MyS3lf - United States

Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He's staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

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By cnd1213 - United States

Today, I had to do my assistant manager's job because she doesn't know what the hell she is doing. I'd interviewed for this position but didn't get it because I'm "still too new for this position." FML

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By LadyLump - United States

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I saw a naked man for the first time in my life. It was the nude model in my art class. I was forced to draw wrinkles and fat rolls in places I didn't even know existed. FML

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By athlete47

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I was "changing too much." My big change was a haircut. FML

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1574

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By Lonely, I am so lonely - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, a friend posted a photo on Facebook of a meal with all of our other friends. The same meal they'd told me just yesterday had been cancelled. FML

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By seekerglow176 - United States - Natick

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with my sister, due to involuntary muscle spasms she was having. They gave her a muscle relaxer which caused her to be extremely tired and loopy. She decided to start singing loudly with a song she made up about butt fucking. FML

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By thatescalatedquickly - United States - Collierville

Today, I was having sex for the first time with a girl who wanted to be friends with benefits. Halfway through sex she noticed that I had the same tattoo as her brother, and had a full-on panic attack that lasted half-an-hour. FML

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By lunchbox2353 - United States

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

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By jsw029 - United States

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

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By rent-a-cop - Canada - Toronto

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

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By notlaughing - United States - College Park

Today, a girl was telling me how she was very stressed over her parents' divorce and moving away to another part of the state. While I was listening, I started choking on my saliva. She thought I was laughing. She hasn't spoken to me since. FML

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47042

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By usadisvet - United States - Loudon

Today, at the DMV I was told I had to prove, with a doctor's note, that I was an amputee and my disability was permanent to get my placard. Apparently, setting my prosthetic leg on the counter wasn't proof enough, and is considered "threatening". The police were called. FML

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By Shelby - United States - Nokomis

Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML

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By MyLife

Today, my best friend broke up with her partner. In retaliation, he got drunk and stole my car, then crashed it into a neighbour's house. Then after dealing with the police who didn't arrest him, he and my best friend made up and went to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 19:01 - Iraq - Baghdad

Being multilingual sucks sometimes

Today, in our microbiology lab, there's a machine called bacteria incubator, which translates to Arabic as "bacteria hugger." I envied the bacteria because it gets hugs. FML

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607

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By Anonymous - United States - Wailuku

Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML

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By Jackie Campbell - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you, it's me" speech with a slight variation, saying instead, "It's not me, it's you. And yes, I meant to say it that way round." FML

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By Single - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He also decided the best way to end our relationship was to kill me and our virtual child on The Sims 3 by setting us on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's pre-school. Apparently, she is being suspended, for answering; "What do your parents do at home?" She told them, "My parents fuck." FML

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By liz - United States

Today, my 23-year old boyfriend is not talking to me because I bought the regular kind of macaroni and cheese instead of the cartoon kind. FML

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By jailey

Today, my friend decided that we should go clubbing together to "catch up". Her version of catching up is me standing beside her making out with some random dude in the parking lot. FML

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By lovegame - Singapore - Singapore

Today, two months after forgiving my girlfriend for breaking my heart by cheating on me, I found out that she's cheating again with the same guy. When I confronted her, she basically said I brought it on myself and that I was an idiot for not dumping her the first time. FML

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By fail - United States

Today, my parents left early in the morning to run some errands, and I thought it would be nice to shovel our rather large driveway for them while they were out. An hour later, they returned from the store with a snow blower. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 17:06

Bismillah no!

Today, my dad forbade me from playing or listening to Queen because Freddie Mercury was gay. FML

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By 3-wheeler - United Kingdom

Today, I left my car in a disreputable area. After picking it up later on, I heard a strange "clonking" sound. The clonking suddenly stopped when my wheel fell off; someone had stolen my wheel nuts. FML

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By WickedRene - United States - Rochester

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 11:02 - United States - White Plains

AKA taking a screenshot

Today, I was holding in pee because i was so busy at work. When I finally got up to relieve myself, I pulled down my pants, sneezed at that exact moment and peed all over the bathroom floor. FML

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By Single - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my girlfriend showed me a print of a Banksy that she'd just bought, telling me it was an original. When I tried to argue that it wasn't, she broke up with me for "implying she was a moron." FML

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By beccav23 - United States

He's got the moves

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to viciously rip off my thong. My ass crack is numb. FML

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36234

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By M.SHUKRI - United States - Round Lake

Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML

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By buiuuum - United States

Today, my 8 year old son cut his own hair. He did a better job than I ever did. I'm a hairdresser. FML

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By Musicfan - United States

Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML

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By troublewithbleach - United States

Today, I was cleaning my bathroom, and accidentally spilled bleach, ruining my shower curtain, rugs, and towels. While attempting to wipe up the bleach, I knocked over a bottle of shower cleaner. It read, "WARNING: DO NOT MIX WITH BLEACH." I still can't go in the house. FML

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By SomePeoplesKids - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I walked in on my daughter attempting to iron her pants with a hair straightener. She's 17. FML

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By Asha Toone - 31/1/2021 08:02

Tough times

Today, I started noticing how unnecessarily hard it is to get a basic job such as a cashier or server, even though you already have experience in that field. FML

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Top comments

By redhusk89 | 0

#136942 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:15

FAIL. Hope you've got good recovery time and she's got a sense of humor. FYI if you've got a live willing sexy woman with you WTF do you need porn for unless you were trying to talk her into a new position (or location). YDI because from where I'm sitting as a guy you just said to your gf she isn't hot enough to get you up AND you are so hot for the girl on screen that any stimulation will set you off.

P.S you made it almost 1/7 of the time needed by the way. According to recent studies the average time it takes for a woman to climax is about 7 minutes. Also another thing you might want to consider is that Men tend to be able to last twice to three times as long the second time.

Point is get a blow job then get her off with your hands or mouth. THEN tap that!

By Jonesy_fml | 0

#136889 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:03

Maybe it was just. that. hot.

COMMENTS

By Jonesy_fml | 0

#136889 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:03

Maybe it was just. that. hot.

allanaskye | 0

#1009718 - Friday 28 May 2010 3:03

maybe you should date the girl In the porn. haha..

iBhope | 7

#3225628 - Saturday 3 September 2011 3:24

kvsodeheowgwhpchx Sorry I just finished wiping all the jizz off my keyboard.

By Drunkbunny | 2

#136898 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:05

Oh to be young again :)

By uhhuh_her | 0

#136900 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:06

lol. Fail. I'm sure your girlfriend loved that.

AmericanGirl69 | 0

#2396035 - Sunday 24 April 2011 6:31

you sorta failed with your sunglasses. it's a little off there.

By ilikerainbows | 0

#136902 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:06

i am very glad i am not your girlfriend.

lol, OP's sn is waitforit

By Jesse_Forrest | 0

#136908 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:07

Porn is boring.

Just sayin'.

By I_am_stupid_also | 6

#136912 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:09

"Porn is boring. "

Ur doing it rong.

jhoward7 | 0

#1036814 - Sunday 20 June 2010 10:09

hey 6, you're spelling it wrong. lol.

mif_fml | 27

#6050787 - Thursday 28 August 2014 21:45

His name goes well with his comment.

By mattmag | 0

#136914 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:09

Haha your username is waitforit.

By gleidu77 | 0

#136915 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:09

wow, that's so sad.

By uhhuh_her | 0

#136916 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:09

Next time, how about you and your girl focus on each other. Try something new, experiment; don't put yourself in a situation to be done before it's even started. YDI

By lems18902 | 1

#136924 - Thursday 23 April 2009 20:11

How old are you? 12??? LOL