Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once,... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 22:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

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Race against the clock

Buzzing the tower

Great guy

By catsonuincorns - 15/4/2018 06:00 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

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By ....... - 23/6/2009 17:56 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML

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By KPKallery - 5/6/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

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By badnewsbears - 21/10/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria when one of my friends yelled out "Jake is uncircumcised!" as a joke. The girl I have a crush on was sitting at the table behind me and turned around and asked if it was true. I said yes, she responded with "wow, hope I never have to see that." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2018 01:30

"shortcomings"

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML

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By anonymous - 10/11/2016 14:29 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, my little brother was playing with my cat, getting it to chase a laser pointer. He thought it would be funny to shine the laser pointer over my nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 21:03 - United States - Marinette

Today, my mom and I somehow got into a serious argument over the ethics of capturing and training Pokémon. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2015 09:47 - United States - Tualatin

Today, I completed my two-month internship, where I have been working as hard as I could with the hope of being hired. My boss couldn't remember my name, and declined to be a reference. FML

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By EOJ - 10/2/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was walking my son to school. After yelling at him for not looking where he's walking, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me. Not paying attention, I walked him right into a light pole. FML

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By kumcat - 11/1/2015 05:57 - United States - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply "#rekt", then "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

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By spreadburger - 21/11/2014 00:29 - United States - Tampa

Today, my co-worker threw a rubber mallet at my face, and I broke my finger in the process of saving my face. She then told me to "take it up with HR, bitch". She's the HR manager. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2019 05:15

Today, after feeling like I've been sucking as a friend and contacting a friend who has called me their best friend, but doesn't talk to me much, we grabbed a coffee. The whole time I was trying to have a conversation, she was on her phone. FML

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By windshitwipers - 30/5/2013 09:41 - United States - Denver

Today, I found shit on my windshield. I'm not sure if it is human or animal, but it was conveniently smeared all over and even more was placed under my wipers just in case I used them to clean it up. This isn't the first time, and I have no idea who I could have pissed off. FML

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By NoTalkAllGame - 27/1/2015 16:12 - United States - Horsham

Today, it's been five days since my roommate last talked to me. Although she's not communicating with me verbally, she's excelling at non-verbal communication: slamming doors and drawers, and watching loud videos, all while I desperately try to study. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 03:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

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By cllutz - 7/2/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 03:01 - United States - Fremont

Today, I left my daughter with a babysitter for the first time. When I came home, my microwave was ruined because they had attempted to heat cans of Play-Doh as a science experiment. FML

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By nasuma - 11/10/2019 20:00

Alexa, play "Guess I'm Dumb" by Glen Campbell

Today, I took a legitimate IQ test and got a score of 80. My parents both have IQ scores above Einstein’s. FML

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By pipefitter28 - 27/12/2012 06:46 - Canada - Vernon

Today, I tried to impress a girl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML

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By svet - 22/2/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

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By FakeID - 6/5/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By drivencrazy - 6/7/2010 16:42 - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By therealkathl - 5/3/2015 13:32 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend convinced a girl at the club to break up with her boyfriend and go home with him. She did. Now I'm single too. FML

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By NoBalls - 12/6/2009 00:23 - United States

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - 21/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

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By nichaneely - 21/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by one of my bosses. The reason? I was yawning. I work at Starbucks. Apparently I wasn't 'promoting' correctly. FML

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By firstdategoals - 8/6/2015 03:35 - United States

Today, I went on my very first date. We went out to eat dinner and everything went great! Afterwards, I went to drop him back off at his house. I backed out of his driveway and got stuck in a ditch. His dad had to come out and tow me out. So that's how I met my boyfriend's parents. FML

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By Ohfman117 - 11/8/2009 20:30 - United States

Today, I was sneaking over to my girlfriend's house. I sent her mother a text message thinking it was my girlfriend saying "There's a stalker coming in to make you his play mate ;]" Unfortunately when I got to her window I was greeted by her dad with a bat. FML

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By newscorp employee - 12/1/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, my coworker told me that the framed picture our boss put on her desk last week was not, as I originally thought, a picture of her father, but a picture of Rupert Murdoch. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2011 18:29 - United Kingdom

Today, after disappearing for an unusually long period of time, my boss called the store phone while sitting on the toilet. Turns out she'd started bleeding uncontrollably from the arse, and as the only other female staff member, she needed me to go help her. FML

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By Carrie - 8/5/2013 05:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my water broke while my boyfriend was breaking up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2013 19:15 - Italy - Catanzaro

Today, while shaving my nether regions, I slipped and sliced myself in three separate places. They won't completely stop bleeding. I'm virtually having a second period, and it hurts to close my legs. FML

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By Hungrey - 29/5/2012 01:38 - United States

Today, I admitted to my parents that I have an eating disorder. Instead of trying to help, my mom stared at me and said, "Duh". FML

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By ReallyMom - 9/1/2014 21:48 - United States - Shawano

Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML

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By nurse - 13/9/2019 02:01 - Norway

Boing!

Today, I was giving a patient an injection when I heard a cracking sound and the needle was gone. Panicking, I got a doctor to have a look. The patient was sent to have x-rays to find the needle in her thigh. I then noticed the springback system in the syringe. FML

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By espylone - 17/12/2011 15:42 - France

Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML

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By WhiteLiar - 4/3/2010 01:26 - United States

Today, I was telling a new friend of mine about my boyfriend. I told her his name and where he is from. She interrupted me and says "Yeah drives a big white truck, rides dirt bikes?! I dated him two years ago!" This guy and I have dated for four years. FML

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By alone in ND - 25/7/2019 16:00

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

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Top comments

By uoeno_fml | 20

#5807364 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:07

You should vagina him harder

By Larry01_fml | 19

#5807352 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:05

sometimes you have to tell a guy exactly what you want

COMMENTS

By Exhaling | 12

#5807343 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:04

Maybe give him an idea of what you want to hear?

Reply

saocrates | 16

#5807405 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:19

Foreplay should be more than just words or maybe that's just me.

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5807481 - Saturday 28 December 2013 6:30

"More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you *penis* me
'cause I'd already know"

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5807532 - Saturday 28 December 2013 7:18

PENIS!!!...

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5807575 - Saturday 28 December 2013 7:47

"I wanna sex you up."

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5807603 - Saturday 28 December 2013 8:27

I read "husband" as "dad" at first D:

Reply

Exhaling | 12

#5807630 - Saturday 28 December 2013 9:27

I don't know how you mix up completely different looking words

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5807710 - Saturday 28 December 2013 12:18

My reading skills were clearly not on par this morning

Reply

chris4u2nv5 | 19

#5808093 - Saturday 28 December 2013 19:36

#33 that was right on time. I busted out laughing.

Reply

ohcheriecherie | 20

#5809691 - Monday 30 December 2014 5:16

at least it wasn't "I'm gonna dick you down" like some other FML. your husband sounds bad in bed

By Larry01_fml | 19

#5807352 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:05

sometimes you have to tell a guy exactly what you want

Reply

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5807500 - Saturday 28 December 2013 6:48

Tell me you're gonna "dick me down good"

Reply

truecolourss | 4

#5807908 - Saturday 28 December 2013 16:48

At least he tried! He did say he'd penis you, hopefully the sex was better than the foreplay

Reply

outoftown | 26

#5808358 - Sunday 29 December 2014 2:09

And sometimes the guy needs a whole Powerpoint presentation.

By nikkidii | 14

#5807356 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:06

I would've burst out laughing.

By uoeno_fml | 20

#5807364 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:07

You should vagina him harder

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5807458 - Saturday 28 December 2013 6:00

She should watch out, he might just testicle her deeper

Reply

thatsucks4you | 7

#5807666 - Saturday 28 December 2013 10:20

I read this FML and your response to my husband while we are about to go to sleep but just cracked up laughing!

By 2taylornissly | 1

#5807365 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:07

Hahaha

By lisaroxmysoxx | 16

#5807366 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:07

Oh geez! My boyfriend likes to say 'I'm gonna be all up in your guts' I don't know which is worse!

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5807459 - Saturday 28 December 2013 6:03

And you let him say that shit??

A bit TMI, but when I have sex, it's best to match the dirty talk with hard pounding...otherwise it's just talk.

My best friend actually used to say: "I balled my girlfriend deep man". I always thought he meant basketball, since I dunno how you can "ball" someone deep...

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5808141 - Saturday 28 December 2013 20:35

Lol the funny part though is that he'd only describe it as "balling"...

By adrianh1090 | 12

#5807370 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:08

Nobody likes a grammar nazi.

By RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5807373 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:10

Well... Everything is romantic when you whisper it.

Reply

kelseythompson | 27

#5807503 - Saturday 28 December 2013 6:49

Whispers "I'm gunna kill you"
Hot right?

Reply

The_Hula_Monster | 10

#5807543 - Saturday 28 December 2013 7:24

#36
Only if it's followed by "By penissing you in your vagina so hard"

By LittleBastard | 20

#5807377 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:10

I'm guessing he wanted to say "give you a good dicking" but couldn't think of what to say so he used penis as a verb.

By viau | 13

#5807380 - Saturday 28 December 2013 5:11

how does a penis penis?

Reply

Qwermy | 16

#5807464 - Saturday 28 December 2013 6:12

dicks be like "how do I penis?"

Reply

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5807620 - Saturday 28 December 2013 9:02

#11- The real question here is, "How much penis would a penis penis if a penis could penis penis?"

Reply

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5807621 - Saturday 28 December 2013 9:03

Never thought I'd say the word penis that many times in one sentence.