Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something....

By anne - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35705

You deserved it

5957

Favorite

Intimacy

Freak out

Phantom pooper

Thanks, government

By TheNerd - United States

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36461

You deserved it

9757

Favorite

By justpeachy - United States

Today, I was invited by my boyfriend's parents for dinner at their house. The dinner went well I thought, until I was getting ready to leave. Before I could make it out the front door, I could hear them discussing their disappointment that their son would ever consider someone like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33394

You deserved it

2527

Favorite

By imeanreallytho - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom at work. The lock on the stall door broke, and I couldn't open it. I was all alone and I started having a mini panic attack. After several minutes of frantically trying to fix the lock and hyperventilating, I realized I could just crawl under the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21891

You deserved it

8763

Favorite

By Milo - Canada

Looks to Die For...

Today, my six-year-old son told me my makeup looks like his grandmother's did in the casket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6062

You deserved it

860

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was informed after submitting my request to have Christmas off about 2 weeks prior to Thanksgiving that I was denied. About 15 minutes later, I overheard the person that denied my request talking with another agent, who put their request in today, that they were granted the holiday off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30795

You deserved it

2123

Favorite

By FML - United States

Today, my boyfriend forced me to climb out through his window, because he was too embarrassed at the thought of his room-mate finding out I'd spent the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33697

You deserved it

5451

Favorite

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I mentioned on Facebook that I'll be out of town over the weekend, because I am attending my grandmother's funeral. I soon got comments saying "Pics or it didn't happen" and "Killed her for the inheritance, eh?" followed by a solitary "LOLLL". FML

I agree, your life sucks

48688

You deserved it

5597

Favorite

By ravestradamus - Australia

Today, I was enjoying some "alone time" with the detachable shower head when someone flushed the toilet, causing the cold water to run out and badly scald my genitals. It hurts to walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20096

You deserved it

22646

Favorite

By MyFaceHurts - United States

Today, while at a local bar, my friends and I were approached by an overly intoxicated man who asked us each politely if we wanted to fight. Thinking it was a joke, I said yes. It wasn't a joke, I now have a broken nose and a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9811

You deserved it

55240

Favorite

By UrbanCass - United States

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37339

You deserved it

76508

Favorite

By ItalianBabyDoll - 11/4/2020 14:00

Alexa, play "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings

Today, during my boyfriends birthday dinner, his father shouted, “Jessica, can you slice me a piece too?” My name isn’t Jessica and I’ve been in their family for over two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1569

You deserved it

145

Favorite

By alf - France

Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She vomited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74763

You deserved it

7229

Favorite

By mark - France

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25926

You deserved it

9275

Favorite

By verydepressed - Russian Federation - Seversk

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40843

You deserved it

3660

Favorite

By jay ze punk - France - Metz-tessy

Today, I took my new girlfriend to meet my grandmother. We were drinking coffee when my gran leaned to one side and let out a huge fart. Proud of herself, she added, "That one didn't pay his rent on time!" Coffee came out of my girlfriend's nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37604

You deserved it

5160

Favorite

By "Sarah Ellsberry"

Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3998

You deserved it

260

Favorite

By SeeingLlamas - United States - Knoxville

Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37008

You deserved it

3065

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 17:02 - United States

Mansplaning #2764

Today, I got mansplained for trying to help a guy secure a machine to a trailer. Not only did he bring the wrong trailer, he tried to ratchet it onto the axle. I load and unload trailers at least once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

814

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Yucaipa

Today, the Star Wars Cantina song had been stuck in my head since I woke up, as my brother was humming it. I finally managed to get it out of my head. Then my mom started to whistle it. It's stuck in my head again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21092

You deserved it

4244

Favorite

By bkay26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36559

You deserved it

7511

Favorite

By gameguy3424 - United States

Today, I went on my afternoon stroll to my local park. As I reached the park a little boy was peeing in the bushes nearby. His mother called. As I walked by, he turned, still peeing, right to me. He ended up peeing on the front of my pants and on my shoes. My house is 2 miles away from the park. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44502

You deserved it

3186

Favorite

By wouaf - France - Voiron

Today, I was out shopping with my little sister. I wanted to try something on, so I put my bag in front of a changing room and jokingly told her to bark if someone came near. She ended up biting a lady who was trying to get into one of the changing rooms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30096

You deserved it

5454

Favorite

By ICallBullshxt

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3005

You deserved it

6658

Favorite

By fml9124 - 25/4/2020 20:00

Not now!

Today, the best manager I've ever had told me she was leaving to take a job at another company. I just found out my new manager is a guy that has destroyed three different departments in three years. He's the owner's nephew or something. I do not want to be looking for a new job during the Covid-19 pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1660

You deserved it

104

Favorite

By Anonymous - Sweden - ?kersberga

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

47834

You deserved it

8186

Favorite

By SNBBFF - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27809

You deserved it

4284

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my son turned 8. We watched as he unwrapped a $55 Nerf gun, extra 'bullets', new shoes and a school bag with his favorite TV character on the front and a action figure inside. As he finished he looked me straight in the eyes and says, "That's great ma, but seriously what'd you get me?". FML

I agree, your life sucks

36670

You deserved it

12026

Favorite

By grandma - United States - Barnesville

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41682

You deserved it

7183

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, they are pumping out the septic system in the building next door. I am three months pregnant, suffering from morning sickness, and can smell everything within a three-mile radius. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38144

You deserved it

3801

Favorite

By jess

Today, I decided to go home and apologise to my husband for accusing him of having an affair. I came home to find him having sex with my mother. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

4917

You deserved it

298

Favorite

By oumalina - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered pizza and watched a movie. After dinner we started to make out. I began to take my clothes off when he stopped me. He said that sex is exercise and you can't exercise for 30 minutes after eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40876

You deserved it

8382

Favorite

By scaredscreenless - United States

Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was from a baby rabbit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12651

You deserved it

27256

Favorite

By karaokestar - Canada

Today, I sang my signature tune at a karaoke bar - What A Wonderful World - and I thought I sounded my best yet. After my performance, I went outside to get some air. Then, I got assaulted in the parking lot and ended up going to the hospital. What a wonderful world indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57894

You deserved it

5486

Favorite

By Indigo_Kitten - United States

Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31814

You deserved it

18955

Favorite

By ouch

Scratch that

Today, after 4 days of using anti-itch cream for what pharmacists and nurses have called “an allergic reaction”, I was diagnosed with shingles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1557

You deserved it

Favorite

By ashleyyyy - United States

Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36678

You deserved it

2779

Favorite

By why... - United States - East Orange

Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32835

You deserved it

3512

Favorite

By AntSimo - South Africa

Today, whilst presenting a report to the head of my college, I was arrested by a police officer for assault. I was in a bar the night before and accidentally bumped into a local tough guy on the way to the toilet. I got punched in the face. The witnesses got our names mixed up. That'll look great on my CV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52524

You deserved it

2948

Favorite

By Inthedumps - United States - Jerseyville

Today, my boss is still refusing to hire any more people because he's convinced I can handle all of the work after the majority of staff quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44794

You deserved it

3587

Favorite

By #[email protected]

Today, the guy I've fallen for and have been dating on and off for 2 years told me that he kept contacting me to re-connect because he missed hanging out with me, but didn't actually have any feelings for me. I already paid for a non-refundable weekend away as his Christmas present for us both. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2705

You deserved it

621

Favorite

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Top comments

By TheSnakeDoctor20 | 17

#3743834 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:27

That man is boss!

By monkeysareyummy | 0

#3743840 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

New 'Americas Got Talent' contestant?

COMMENTS

By TheSnakeDoctor20 | 17

#3743834 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:27

That man is boss!

Nebulas_n_Novas | 7

#3743887 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:31

WINNING

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3743955 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:36

That's a pretty well-trained cock.

xcarxcrashx | 9

#3744016 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:42

I'm pretty impressed.

chillyCholo | 5

#3744063 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:48

I wonder what he can do w/ his pubes

Buttsexpirate | 9

#3744091 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:51

He'll go far in life!

YtotsDI | 0

#3744216 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:12

#54 You're my hero. :)

margie2194 | 12

#3744237 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:17

I feel like this FML seems somewhat familiar. I've read something like that before.

CanWeMicrowaveIt | 11

#3744409 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:49

Guys, guess what I typed this sentence with!! My Thumb... Pervert

ThatLooksSticky | 16

#3744414 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:49

#54, there's no need for any other comments. Thanks!

aceman1992 | 9

#3744423 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:51

42- Why? Why, the hell would you wanna know that?

Mr_Trollsome | 1

#3744455 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:57

He'd probably have to have a small penis to pull that off.

changesinme | 0

#3744475 - Saturday 17 December 2011 8:03

Ever wondered why he used YOUR phone to demonstrate it?

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3744514 - Saturday 17 December 2011 8:15

Typing with a penis? Fuck that. Try typing with a vagina. Now that's talent.

SirObvious | 1

#3744581 - Saturday 17 December 2011 8:36

WHAT A DICK!:)

jordnlyn | 6

#3744838 - Saturday 17 December 2011 10:29

That's intense

meanmachine511 | 0

#3744854 - Saturday 17 December 2011 10:35

Got shot in the knee...
Haha
Skyrim

herpyderpy123 | 0

#3744887 - Saturday 17 December 2011 11:01

LMFAO! It's arrow in the knee .-.

rick159 | 12

#3745701 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:39

Yep!......no matter how well you please a woman....you can never please a woman

bibbster18 | 11

#3745954 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:43

Only in Texas.

hubla | 0

#3745996 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:51

His dick must not be very big to not smash like 5 letters at the same time

Troll_spray | 6

#3746142 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:24

What, dont tell me you guys never texted with your penis before??? D=

kona314 | 1

#3747174 - Saturday 17 December 2011 22:48

I typed this on my phone with my erect penis... Nothing special...

DQEight | 8

#3751849 - Monday 19 December 2011 1:47

42--
Get them braided?

Sibizien26 | 5

#3752823 - Monday 19 December 2011 4:23

LIKE A BOSS

DoubleDose | 0

#3769024 - Thursday 22 December 2011 2:00

This reminds me of the girl who texts with her erect nipples

badluckbrian7 | 0

#4465250 - Tuesday 22 May 2012 2:49

Weird but impressive

By ianbeef | 11

#3743839 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

I wouldn't touch that phone anymore

ianbeef | 11

#3743972 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:38

True still it's gross

desireev | 17

#3744080 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:50

Why not? It's been all over her body. Why not her phone?

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3744343 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:37

Why not her toothbrush as well?

sexxxysydney | 14

#3744805 - Saturday 17 December 2011 10:13

I'm pretty sure she's had his penis on worse places on her, or at least I hope, since they're married. A phone is no big deal.

Steve95401 | 49

#3745188 - Saturday 17 December 2011 13:49

What a dick!

shadystyle | 6

#3745197 - Saturday 17 December 2011 13:53

its probably been in her mouth. so on her phone and ultimately in her hand is no big deal

rohanmo | 9

#3745273 - Saturday 17 December 2011 14:25

How old r u kid?

dsbs | 9

#3745941 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:40

A. Hole, please report to the bedroom

bebohacker1 | 4

#3746118 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:17

185- bringing other fml's into this one, i like... Haha.

shinshoku13 | 19

#4263035 - Thursday 5 April 2012 17:11

Rohanmo how fucking old are YOU!? You look like your twelve bud :/

By monkeysareyummy | 0

#3743840 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

New 'Americas Got Talent' contestant?

detective_oreo | 0

#3744242 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:17

I was gonna say that!

bearnblue | 0

#3744256 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:19

Can you imagine..."and next up a man who really knows how to use his penis!"

maz255 | 10

#3744618 - Saturday 17 December 2011 8:44

Erectxting..

Anubyte | 0

#3744652 - Saturday 17 December 2011 9:00

I believe this is what you call sexting

skullcandifiedDJ | 5

#3746001 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:51

Takes years of training...

causticgirl | 6

#3746174 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:34

Lucky girl

kona314 | 1

#3747181 - Saturday 17 December 2011 22:50

I type this with my penis... I'll compete against him

Stark27 | 0

#3749320 - Sunday 18 December 2011 15:47

It's actually pretty easy, see?

By farnsworth | 3

#3743844 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

I wouldn't be able to do that I'd keep mashing the buttons

farnsworth | 3

#3744026 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:44

Oh I'm on the farnsworth account I probably put a dirty picture in all ur minds xD

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#3744155 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:00

I don't want to live anymore...

tinydanzr | 6

#3744500 - Saturday 17 December 2011 8:11

Well I guess her husband is a talented man.

jacquesromualdez | 12

#3744733 - Saturday 17 December 2011 9:35

He's playing "Angry Birds"

benderbot19 | 0

#3745104 - Saturday 17 December 2011 13:07

Shut up, farnsworth!

nativepimp | 1

#3746701 - Saturday 17 December 2011 20:17

I've tried this before.. It kind of worked had to press kind of hard though

holeyman | 8

#3746719 - Saturday 17 December 2011 20:22

If only you knew what I typed this comment with.....

bgaustad | 0

#3746857 - Saturday 17 December 2011 20:51

Ha yeh right you got a tiny penis

By dasteve | 0

#3743846 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

Now he's always with you.

By IhateMahLife16 | 0

#3743849 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

What a talented man.

thisisafunnyname | 12

#3745302 - Saturday 17 December 2011 14:36

skillz dat killz

By pfx2_fml | 15

#3743850 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

A skill every man needs to master..

By Ohmie | 5

#3743852 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

And your point is...? I do that all the time!

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3743995 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:39

That makes two people.

HappyJello | 7

#3744004 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:40

Uh... You didn't need to say that... But good job...?

cherrysizzle1 | 0

#3746654 - Saturday 17 December 2011 20:06

Man is that the only thing u use it for?!

By afulks78 | 11

#3743859 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:29

What a champ:)

By AeroChic777 | 4

#3743864 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:30

That's not too "hard" to do. eh? eh??
No?
okay. :(

YtotsDI | 0

#3744225 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:14

I appreciate your ability to tell one bad comment from another. Good on you