Intimacy: Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something....

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 185

You deserved it 44

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 969

17/12/2011 03:46

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 741

You deserved it 5 964

Intimacy

Hiding from the drama

Get the hell out of Dodge

Long term commitment

06/07/2011 23:38

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 622

You deserved it 6 221

28/05/2012 14:05

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 101

You deserved it 3 346

No more cheese before bedtime

By mmmmm - 17/05/2021 20:01

Today, I had a dream in which an electrical outlet began spewing water. It then spoke to me, "You’re not telling ANYONE about this." I then woke up with laryngitis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 70

16/03/2012 17:00

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 569

You deserved it 16 804

I hate my life

By Anonymous - 08/04/2021 17:00

Today, I woke up and remembered that I'm in law school. Now, I'm about to go to sleep, and I'm still in law school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 286

You deserved it 907

10/12/2010 08:12

Today, I hit a car while trying to park. Assuming that no one saw, I moved my car and parked somewhere else. Hours later I get a call from the university police. While backing up to go to the police station I hit another car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 730

You deserved it 55 853

30/12/2010 22:28

Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 941

You deserved it 3 440

11/12/2013 11:58

Today, a classmate's mother called my phone, threatening to have my dorm room raided for drugs. Why? She saw our text messages discussing where he would pick up the textbook I borrowed and thought it was the new "code name" for weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 282

You deserved it 2 804

Hard shoulder

By Anonymous - 04/06/2020 08:00

Today, the guy I’ve been trying to get over for the last month finally messaged me like I’ve been hoping for, only to cry that his new girlfriend cheated on him and to ask if I think he should forgive her, because he, "appreciates my honesty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 512

You deserved it 192

11/12/2009 07:23

Today, I was doing a study on homeless people and how they manage to stay alive on the streets. Turns out the one I was studying today was given more money than I make in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 339

You deserved it 2 925

Don't wanna know

By Anonymous - 27/01/2011 17:02

Today, my mother dragged me into Victoria's Secret to get my opinion on some lingerie. Lingerie she'll be using to get into my dad's pants this evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 720

You deserved it 3 713

19/08/2009 05:13

Today, I threw a party while my parents were gone. I forgot that our alarm automatically turns on at 11 pm, so when people opened the door, it went off. I couldn't find the number for the alarm company, so the cops showed up. Everyone started cheering because they thought they were strippers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 850

You deserved it 55 717

11/02/2010 01:39

Today, I was hit on by an older man. I rolled my eyes at him and informed him I was 16, hoping that would get him to leave me alone. He shrugged and said, "We're both human." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 576

You deserved it 3 368

08/11/2018 12:00

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 406

You deserved it 311

01/12/2010 08:35

Today, I tried to fix my laptop charger by fiddling around with it using metal tweezers. Not only did I forget to unplug the cord and shocked myself, I also ended up breaking the charger completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 880

You deserved it 50 915

19/04/2009 19:21

Today, I found out that the girl I've been in love with for a long while got back together with her ex boyfriend because he had confessed his true feelings to her through a note in her locker. It was my note. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 162

You deserved it 11 593

23/05/2012 21:14

Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He was in jail and wanted me to bail him out. Not only was he stupid enough to go drunk drag-racing with his buddies, their route took them straight past the front of the local police precinct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 401

You deserved it 3 365

03/12/2014 18:34

Today, I realized that although I'm dating the most loveable, caring and genuine man, the fact that he's a crack addict means I'll never be his drug of choice when he needs a hit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 865

You deserved it 21 513

06/01/2014 21:32

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 669

You deserved it 7 465

27/12/2015 05:18

Today, after weeks of keeping it a secret, I excitedly gave my boyfriend what I thought to be the perfect Christmas present. Turns out lock picking sets are illegal in Ohio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 927

You deserved it 7 833

Amplified

By Anonymous - 01/09/2010 23:04

Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After doing my business and we started walking out of the bathroom, my son loudly announced to the whole store, "Mommy has diarrhea!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 462

You deserved it 4 346

Heavy session last night?

By TaintedL0v3 - 11/03/2020 12:30

Today, I woke up with Chocolate Buttons superglued to my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 196

27/05/2009 16:46

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 744

You deserved it 6 025

20/06/2014 18:20

Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 245

You deserved it 5 713

21/12/2009 05:16

Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 980

You deserved it 2 790

19/05/2009 06:19

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 141

You deserved it 3 701

#1 Mom of the Year

By minnie - 23/02/2021 04:58

Today, while trying to walk past my mother in the hallway, I hesitated because she suddenly moved to the side. She screamed at me for a solid five minutes about not being able to "predict her movements." And she wonders why I’m suicidal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 84

The long con

By Anonymous - 25/09/2020 23:01

Today, I had expired soda and stale chips for my dinner. Why? Because my mother spent all our grocery money on organic food for her chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 177

You deserved it 148

30/09/2016 04:05

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 796

You deserved it 1 350

21/06/2012 14:52

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 191

You deserved it 7 760

08/01/2010 03:30

Today, I realised that I have fallen for the most amazing girl. She's good looking, has a great personality, she's funny and is a hit with all my friends but she doesn't seem to realise she has a body odor problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 801

You deserved it 6 155

13/06/2015 15:47

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 158

You deserved it 2 860

Parental advice

By ifeeldirty - 27/10/2011 12:22

Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 961

You deserved it 8 834

03/04/2011 09:16

Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 521

You deserved it 4 751

25/11/2013 05:22

Today, my mom visited. While she was using the bathroom, my man-child of a husband thought it would be funny to knock on the bathroom door with his penis, thinking it was me in there. She opened the door to find him standing there doing the "helicopter". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 207

You deserved it 6 551

17/09/2014 12:18

Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 445

You deserved it 3 009

13/10/2009 13:45

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 065

You deserved it 2 454

17/02/2016 06:35

Today, I lost control of my car on a patch of ice and slid off the road, messing up my car. I was working on a news story about bad road conditions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 190

You deserved it 2 915

04/11/2016 14:23

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip this weekend so that she won't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 812

You deserved it 1 142

Unreasonable

By Anonymous - 20/03/2021 00:01

Today, after finishing work and collecting my bag from my locker, I yawned as my manager came to ask me a question. She yelled at me for yawning. She then told others that I have a chronic yawning problem at work and need medical intervention. I can't even yawn once after a long tiring day on my own time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 61

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Top comments

TheSnakeDoctor20 17

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:27

That man is boss!

monkeysareyummy 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

New 'Americas Got Talent' contestant?

Comments

TheSnakeDoctor20 17

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:27

That man is boss!

Nebulas_n_Novas 7

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:31

WINNING

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:36

That's a pretty well-trained cock.

xcarxcrashx 9

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:42

I'm pretty impressed.

chillyCholo 5

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:48

I wonder what he can do w/ his pubes

Buttsexpirate 9

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:51

He'll go far in life!

YtotsDI 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 7:12

#54 You're my hero. :)

margie2194 12

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Saturday 17 December 2011 7:17

I feel like this FML seems somewhat familiar. I've read something like that before.

CanWeMicrowaveIt 11

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Saturday 17 December 2011 7:49

Guys, guess what I typed this sentence with!! My Thumb... Pervert

ThatLooksSticky 16

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Saturday 17 December 2011 7:49

#54, there's no need for any other comments. Thanks!

aceman1992 9

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Saturday 17 December 2011 7:51

42- Why? Why, the hell would you wanna know that?

Mr_Trollsome 1

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Saturday 17 December 2011 7:57

He'd probably have to have a small penis to pull that off.

changesinme 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 8:03

Ever wondered why he used YOUR phone to demonstrate it?

ShroomsOnAcid 16

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Saturday 17 December 2011 8:15

Typing with a penis? Fuck that. Try typing with a vagina. Now that's talent.

SirObvious 1

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Saturday 17 December 2011 8:36

WHAT A DICK!:)

jordnlyn 6

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Saturday 17 December 2011 10:29

That's intense

meanmachine511 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 10:35

Got shot in the knee... Haha Skyrim

herpyderpy123 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 11:01

LMFAO! It's arrow in the knee .-.

rick159 12

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:39

Yep!......no matter how well you please a woman....you can never please a woman

bibbster18 11

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:43

Only in Texas.

hubla 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:51

His dick must not be very big to not smash like 5 letters at the same time

Troll_spray 6

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Saturday 17 December 2011 18:24

What, dont tell me you guys never texted with your penis before??? D=

kona314 1

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Saturday 17 December 2011 22:48

I typed this on my phone with my erect penis... Nothing special...

DQEight 8

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Monday 19 December 2011 1:47

42-- Get them braided?

Sibizien26 5

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Monday 19 December 2011 4:23

LIKE A BOSS

DoubleDose 0

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Thursday 22 December 2011 2:00

This reminds me of the girl who texts with her erect nipples

badluckbrian7 0

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Tuesday 22 May 2012 2:49

Weird but impressive

ianbeef 11

Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

I wouldn't touch that phone anymore

ianbeef 11

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:38

True still it's gross

desireev 17

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:50

Why not? It's been all over her body. Why not her phone?

ShroomsOnAcid 16

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Saturday 17 December 2011 7:37

Why not her toothbrush as well?

sexxxysydney 14

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Saturday 17 December 2011 10:13

I'm pretty sure she's had his penis on worse places on her, or at least I hope, since they're married. A phone is no big deal.

Steve95401 49

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Saturday 17 December 2011 13:49

What a dick!

shadystyle 6

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Saturday 17 December 2011 13:53

its probably been in her mouth. so on her phone and ultimately in her hand is no big deal

rohanmo 9

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Saturday 17 December 2011 14:25

How old r u kid?

dsbs 9

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:40

A. Hole, please report to the bedroom

bebohacker1 4

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Saturday 17 December 2011 18:17

185- bringing other fml's into this one, i like... Haha.

shinshoku13 19

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Thursday 5 April 2012 17:11

Rohanmo how fucking old are YOU!? You look like your twelve bud :/

monkeysareyummy 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

New 'Americas Got Talent' contestant?

detective_oreo 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 7:17

I was gonna say that!

bearnblue 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 7:19

Can you imagine..."and next up a man who really knows how to use his penis!"

maz255 10

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Saturday 17 December 2011 8:44

Erectxting..

Anubyte 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 9:00

I believe this is what you call sexting

skullcandifiedDJ 5

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:51

Takes years of training...

causticgirl 6

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Saturday 17 December 2011 18:34

Lucky girl

kona314 1

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Saturday 17 December 2011 22:50

I type this with my penis... I'll compete against him

Stark27 0

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Sunday 18 December 2011 15:47

It's actually pretty easy, see?

farnsworth 3

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

I wouldn't be able to do that I'd keep mashing the buttons

farnsworth 3

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:44

Oh I'm on the farnsworth account I probably put a dirty picture in all ur minds xD

Rei_Ayanami 18

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Saturday 17 December 2011 7:00

I don't want to live anymore...

tinydanzr 6

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Saturday 17 December 2011 8:11

Well I guess her husband is a talented man.

jacquesromualdez 12

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Saturday 17 December 2011 9:35

He's playing "Angry Birds"

benderbot19 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 13:07

Shut up, farnsworth!

nativepimp 1

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Saturday 17 December 2011 20:17

I've tried this before.. It kind of worked had to press kind of hard though

holeyman 8

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Saturday 17 December 2011 20:22

If only you knew what I typed this comment with.....

bgaustad 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 20:51

Ha yeh right you got a tiny penis

dasteve 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

Now he's always with you.

IhateMahLife16 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

What a talented man.

thisisafunnyname 12

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Saturday 17 December 2011 14:36

skillz dat killz

pfx2_fml 15

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

A skill every man needs to master..

Ohmie 5

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

And your point is...? I do that all the time!

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:39

That makes two people.

HappyJello 7

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:40

Uh... You didn't need to say that... But good job...?

cherrysizzle1 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 20:06

Man is that the only thing u use it for?!

afulks78 11

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:29

What a champ:)

AeroChic777 4

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:30

That's not too "hard" to do. eh? eh?? No? okay. :(

YtotsDI 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 7:14

I appreciate your ability to tell one bad comment from another. Good on you