Intimacy: Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something....

By anne - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

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35718

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Intimacy

Rock, hard place

Priorities

All that time I'm never getting back

By babybambi

Today, I got food poisoning for the first time after cooking. Yesterday, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. FML

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2293

Phew, glad it wasn't me

274

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By BrownDump - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41236

You deserved it

14153

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By usarmywife

Today, at the ripe old age of 27, I dislocated my hip while making love to my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6031

You deserved it

570

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By Luke - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a friend move. Before we arrived, he put his key on my key ring to keep it safe. When we got there, he promptly shoved my front door key into the lock and snapped it clean off. Not only can we not get into his house, but now I can't get back into mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31680

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 02:03

"I Raised a Sociopath"

Today, my daughter admitted she struggles to keep a boyfriend because as soon as she shares with them her kink of fucking guys with strap-ons and occasionally inserting other items into them, they flee. As a father, this was way more info about my daughter's sex life than I can handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1942

You deserved it

242

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By :( - United States - Montevideo

Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10981

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By Anonymous - United States - Winchester

Today, I found out that of the three medications I am taking for depression, one causes weight gain, one causes severe weight gain, and one "might cause weight gain." FML

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32195

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Alfreton

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy. Last week, she wrote sweet things like "Love you forever" and "Light of my life" on my arm cast. I have to wait two more weeks until it's taken off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50932

You deserved it

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By Allen - France

Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to the airport and realized I forgot my phone. I drove back to the house and searched for it. I finally gave up and returned to the airport only to find that I was 10 minutes late for my plane. Just then my pocket vibrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10881

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of watching car after car of solo drivers go by in the carpool lane every day, I decided to join them. I'm the one who got pulled over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10920

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the toilet at my apartment still hasn't been fixed. I have to straddle the bathtub for number 1's and go to Walmart for 2's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38208

You deserved it

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By Mouse

Today, my college class was talking about Felix Baumgartner, who jumped from the edge of space down to earth. A boy suddenly put his head up and said in a serious tone, "I thought he jumped from the moon?" Several girls concurred. This is my generation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29440

You deserved it

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By AkaiKitsune - Canada - Victoria

Today, while riding around the lake, a pair of kids thought it was okay to take turns yanking my horse's tail and running away so they didn't get kicked. When I told the parents not to let their kids do that, they said that I shouldn't be riding if I can't "control my beast". FML

I agree, your life sucks

4857

You deserved it

231

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By FreshDonuts - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend said she was going to start appreciating the little things in life. She's starting with my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40139

You deserved it

6236

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By str3tch - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. In order to make a good impression I was as polite as possible and tried to be as engaging as I could. Near the end of dinner my girlfriend's mom says, "I liked your old boyfriend better." FML

I agree, your life sucks

61732

You deserved it

3366

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33576

You deserved it

4445

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By Peelates

Yoga to watch out

Today, I prepared to do my early morning yoga, lowered myself on to the mat then felt a wet patch on my stomach. Turns out my roommate's cat had taken a piss on my orange mat and I'd been too tired to notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4824

You deserved it

645

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By ashleighsheba - United States - La Vergne

Today, I got pulled over, not because I was speeding but because apparently, I looked like a kid driving. The officer said I was too short to drive and needed a booster seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12125

You deserved it

1134

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By emancipate my ass

Today, I had to listen from the next room as my dad cheated on his girlfriend with his married boss. He's 57, looks like a troll, and doesn't smell much better than one either. Meanwhile I'm 24 and couldn't get laid, much less get a date, if my life depended on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16603

You deserved it

1546

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By Annoymous - Australia

Today, walking home from work, I saw a little boy crying, so I crouched down to his eye level. I asked him what was wrong, his reply was to kick me in the groin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43403

You deserved it

5790

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:01

They're everywhere

Today, I started a new job. I was in a meeting, all day, training under a guy. This was the same middle-class-gravyboat guy who has no idea what he's doing, attributes things to false-positive root causes, and is defensive whenever someone knows more than him. I left my last job because of this type of guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1112

You deserved it

190

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By RustyRuski - United States - Greenwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that we need to talk. I think he dumped me, but I'm not sure, because he muttered it in Russian and quickly left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45372

You deserved it

3637

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By Sebastian - United States

Today, our school had tryouts for chorus. Everybody sang a snippet of the song together until the teacher stopped us, saying it sounded awful. He singled me out and told me to sing alone. After I sang the part, he said, "Son, your gift to God will be silence." FML

I agree, your life sucks

73627

You deserved it

7747

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By oh well - United States

Today, the only birthday present I got was a gift card to a steak house. Not a bad gift, but I'm a vegan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33704

You deserved it

8362

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By Catie - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31811

You deserved it

4482

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By fml - Canada

Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, telling him how much I loved him. His answer? "Less lovin' more humpin'." This happens every single time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27727

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Today, my boyfriend convinced me do an Insanity workout with him. I passed out during the warmup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49926

You deserved it

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By yuck - United States

Today, I was in the basement at my grandma's house. The bathroom is on the ground floor and there's a laundry chute that goes down to the basement. I looked through the chute to see if the bathroom light was on. A pair of shitty underpants came down and landed in my face. They were my grandma's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44091

You deserved it

12379

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By bdayboy - United States

Today, some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. I took the leftovers with me after class, and when my mom picked me up from school, she asked, "What are the cupcakes for?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35266

You deserved it

2816

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By ugh - United States - Antioch

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me over some rumors he heard about me. These rumors are from high-school, seven years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39131

You deserved it

3545

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By embarrassed girl - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. It was going well until I accidentally passed gas. To add to the embarrassment, he rated it. I only got a 4 out of 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43002

You deserved it

7773

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By sifa - Malaysia

Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15801

You deserved it

59740

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was making instant hot chocolate from the hot water dispenser in the break-room at work, a coworker informed me that it was industrial "recycled" wastewater that was only supposed to be used for washing tools. Thanks. I've only been doing that every day for the past 8 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30995

You deserved it

5233

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By Bad Parent

Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44032

You deserved it

4463

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By caught - United States

Caught red-handed

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

I agree, your life sucks

20240

You deserved it

36124

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By Jake - United States - Athens

Today, I woke up with a used condom on my face. Turns out my roommate had sex with his girlfriend during the night and instead of getting up and throwing it away, he decided to throw it across the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39432

You deserved it

2773

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By manymisfortunes - Canada - Lachine

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40912

You deserved it

12366

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By keiran123 - United States - Welsh

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering pizzas, I got bit by a guy dressed as Dracula. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46213

You deserved it

3312

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By valarmorgoolies - United States - Binghamton

Today, my mom accused me of smoking weed. Truth is, I'd just ripped the quietest and weirdest smelling fart of my life. She wouldn't believe me, accused me of making stupid excuses up, and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31713

You deserved it

3006

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By I'm so wet, baby - United Kingdom

Today, while at work, I really had to pee. Since my break was soon, I decided to hold it as another customer came to my till, but I didn't see she had 3 trolleys full of food. It took ages to scan all of it, and when I left for my break, I had an empty bladder and a wet seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35672

You deserved it

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Top comments

By TheSnakeDoctor20 | 17

#3743834 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:27

That man is boss!

By monkeysareyummy | 0

#3743840 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

New 'Americas Got Talent' contestant?

COMMENTS

By TheSnakeDoctor20 | 17

#3743834 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:27

That man is boss!

Nebulas_n_Novas | 7

#3743887 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:31

WINNING

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3743955 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:36

That's a pretty well-trained cock.

xcarxcrashx | 9

#3744016 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:42

I'm pretty impressed.

chillyCholo | 5

#3744063 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:48

I wonder what he can do w/ his pubes

Buttsexpirate | 9

#3744091 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:51

He'll go far in life!

YtotsDI | 0

#3744216 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:12

#54 You're my hero. :)

margie2194 | 12

#3744237 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:17

I feel like this FML seems somewhat familiar. I've read something like that before.

CanWeMicrowaveIt | 11

#3744409 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:49

Guys, guess what I typed this sentence with!! My Thumb... Pervert

ThatLooksSticky | 16

#3744414 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:49

#54, there's no need for any other comments. Thanks!

aceman1992 | 9

#3744423 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:51

42- Why? Why, the hell would you wanna know that?

Mr_Trollsome | 1

#3744455 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:57

He'd probably have to have a small penis to pull that off.

changesinme | 0

#3744475 - Saturday 17 December 2011 8:03

Ever wondered why he used YOUR phone to demonstrate it?

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3744514 - Saturday 17 December 2011 8:15

Typing with a penis? Fuck that. Try typing with a vagina. Now that's talent.

SirObvious | 1

#3744581 - Saturday 17 December 2011 8:36

WHAT A DICK!:)

jordnlyn | 6

#3744838 - Saturday 17 December 2011 10:29

That's intense

meanmachine511 | 0

#3744854 - Saturday 17 December 2011 10:35

Got shot in the knee...
Haha
Skyrim

herpyderpy123 | 0

#3744887 - Saturday 17 December 2011 11:01

LMFAO! It's arrow in the knee .-.

rick159 | 12

#3745701 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:39

Yep!......no matter how well you please a woman....you can never please a woman

bibbster18 | 11

#3745954 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:43

Only in Texas.

hubla | 0

#3745996 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:51

His dick must not be very big to not smash like 5 letters at the same time

Troll_spray | 6

#3746142 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:24

What, dont tell me you guys never texted with your penis before??? D=

kona314 | 1

#3747174 - Saturday 17 December 2011 22:48

I typed this on my phone with my erect penis... Nothing special...

DQEight | 8

#3751849 - Monday 19 December 2011 1:47

42--
Get them braided?

Sibizien26 | 5

#3752823 - Monday 19 December 2011 4:23

LIKE A BOSS

DoubleDose | 0

#3769024 - Thursday 22 December 2011 2:00

This reminds me of the girl who texts with her erect nipples

badluckbrian7 | 0

#4465250 - Tuesday 22 May 2012 2:49

Weird but impressive

By ianbeef | 11

#3743839 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

I wouldn't touch that phone anymore

ianbeef | 11

#3743972 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:38

True still it's gross

desireev | 17

#3744080 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:50

Why not? It's been all over her body. Why not her phone?

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3744343 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:37

Why not her toothbrush as well?

sexxxysydney | 14

#3744805 - Saturday 17 December 2011 10:13

I'm pretty sure she's had his penis on worse places on her, or at least I hope, since they're married. A phone is no big deal.

Steve95401 | 49

#3745188 - Saturday 17 December 2011 13:49

What a dick!

shadystyle | 6

#3745197 - Saturday 17 December 2011 13:53

its probably been in her mouth. so on her phone and ultimately in her hand is no big deal

rohanmo | 9

#3745273 - Saturday 17 December 2011 14:25

How old r u kid?

dsbs | 9

#3745941 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:40

A. Hole, please report to the bedroom

bebohacker1 | 4

#3746118 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:17

185- bringing other fml's into this one, i like... Haha.

shinshoku13 | 19

#4263035 - Thursday 5 April 2012 17:11

Rohanmo how fucking old are YOU!? You look like your twelve bud :/

By monkeysareyummy | 0

#3743840 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

New 'Americas Got Talent' contestant?

detective_oreo | 0

#3744242 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:17

I was gonna say that!

bearnblue | 0

#3744256 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:19

Can you imagine..."and next up a man who really knows how to use his penis!"

maz255 | 10

#3744618 - Saturday 17 December 2011 8:44

Erectxting..

Anubyte | 0

#3744652 - Saturday 17 December 2011 9:00

I believe this is what you call sexting

skullcandifiedDJ | 5

#3746001 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:51

Takes years of training...

causticgirl | 6

#3746174 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:34

Lucky girl

kona314 | 1

#3747181 - Saturday 17 December 2011 22:50

I type this with my penis... I'll compete against him

Stark27 | 0

#3749320 - Sunday 18 December 2011 15:47

It's actually pretty easy, see?

By farnsworth | 3

#3743844 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

I wouldn't be able to do that I'd keep mashing the buttons

farnsworth | 3

#3744026 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:44

Oh I'm on the farnsworth account I probably put a dirty picture in all ur minds xD

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#3744155 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:00

I don't want to live anymore...

tinydanzr | 6

#3744500 - Saturday 17 December 2011 8:11

Well I guess her husband is a talented man.

jacquesromualdez | 12

#3744733 - Saturday 17 December 2011 9:35

He's playing "Angry Birds"

benderbot19 | 0

#3745104 - Saturday 17 December 2011 13:07

Shut up, farnsworth!

nativepimp | 1

#3746701 - Saturday 17 December 2011 20:17

I've tried this before.. It kind of worked had to press kind of hard though

holeyman | 8

#3746719 - Saturday 17 December 2011 20:22

If only you knew what I typed this comment with.....

bgaustad | 0

#3746857 - Saturday 17 December 2011 20:51

Ha yeh right you got a tiny penis

By dasteve | 0

#3743846 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

Now he's always with you.

By IhateMahLife16 | 0

#3743849 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

What a talented man.

thisisafunnyname | 12

#3745302 - Saturday 17 December 2011 14:36

skillz dat killz

By pfx2_fml | 15

#3743850 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

A skill every man needs to master..

By Ohmie | 5

#3743852 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

And your point is...? I do that all the time!

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3743995 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:39

That makes two people.

HappyJello | 7

#3744004 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:40

Uh... You didn't need to say that... But good job...?

cherrysizzle1 | 0

#3746654 - Saturday 17 December 2011 20:06

Man is that the only thing u use it for?!

By afulks78 | 11

#3743859 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:29

What a champ:)

By AeroChic777 | 4

#3743864 - Saturday 17 December 2011 6:30

That's not too "hard" to do. eh? eh??
No?
okay. :(

YtotsDI | 0

#3744225 - Saturday 17 December 2011 7:14

I appreciate your ability to tell one bad comment from another. Good on you