Intimacy: Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you...

By notinterested - 13/09/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 247

You deserved it 5 410

Intimacy

Triage

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Classic sting

By uthinkucandraw - 27/02/2009 21:19 - United States

Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I received a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent $1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 537

You deserved it 7 332

By Anonymous - 15/07/2013 04:23 - United States - Clarks Summit

Today, I had an allergy test. Not only was I allergic to 35 out of the 40 items, they also found out that I'm allergic to the latex gloves my doctor happened to be wearing. Now my entire back is covered in a rash that will last at least another week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 913

You deserved it 3 199

By TecheyTim - 01/04/2015 17:46 - United States - Latham

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 208

You deserved it 11 501

By nofrickenway - 25/04/2012 00:08 - United States - Newport News

Today, I found out that my unemployed and very needy mother-in-law will be moving in with us soon. And during my conversation on the phone with her, she expects us to buy a house and my wife and I can "live with her." My wife agrees with all of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 850

You deserved it 2 718

Long story short

By Anonymous - 18/06/2020 20:08

Today, after I'd been on and off with this girl for 6 years, I finally proposed in October 2018 and she'd said yes. A year later we got a house. By March, she is seeing another girl. And now, we still live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 573

You deserved it 416

By burnswhenipee - 08/04/2015 00:47 - Canada - London

Today, I had to get stitches in my vagina due to an unfortunate mishap while climbing a fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 056

You deserved it 5 514

By Anonymous - 08/03/2011 07:17 - United States

Today, while having sex, I thought I was having an orgasm for the first time. Turns out I was just hyperventilating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 198

You deserved it 6 436

By ss - 06/09/2011 13:17 - Australia

Today, I took my new iPhone into a technician to complain that when people called me, the audio was very quiet and muffled. Convinced it was a fault, I demanded a replacement. That is when he peeled off the factory issued protective screen that covered the ear piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 242

You deserved it 53 792

By foreveralone - 13/11/2012 10:23 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I was working at the checkout of a nearly empty store, so I picked up an empty box, closed my eyes, and slow-danced with it to the 80s love ballad playing on the radio. I don't know what's worse, dancing with a box, or opening my eyes to see ten or so wary customers waiting to be served. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 858

You deserved it 34 264

By anonymous - 06/03/2019 14:00

Today, after almost a year of having threesomes with my “best friend” and her husband, they both confessed that neither of them actually even like me. They just went along with it because they thought it’s what the other wanted. Now they won’t even talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 457

You deserved it 777

By Congrats to me - 24/05/2014 23:57 - United States - Canton

Today, the only person in my entire family to show up sober and on time to my graduation was my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 646

You deserved it 4 130

By insearch4i - 22/01/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I got bored and decided to try World Of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 832

You deserved it 31 092

By oops123 - 15/04/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I finally hooked up with a guy I've been hanging out with for 2 months. Afterwards, while we're getting dressed he says "You better be clean. If you're not tell me now so I dont pass it on to my girlfriend." Stunned, all I could say was, "Girlfriend?!" His reply, "Well technically my fiancée." FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 092

You deserved it 14 155

By Anonymous - 28/04/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was at soccer practice. The ground's keeper just aerated the field, and my teammates and I decided to throw the cylindrical clumps of dirt at each other. I got hit in the face with one. It wasn't dirt. It was a clump of wet dog poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 316

You deserved it 13 493

It'll be a Vlog next

By elliebellie - 21/03/2021 00:28 - Australia

Today, my husband forgot to log out of his laptop. Out of curiosity, I checked what was on the screen. It turns out he has his own blog where he shares all the intimate details about our sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 300

You deserved it 183

By HateTheBus - 18/03/2019 02:00

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. I went to pull the cord to request a stop when the driver slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light, causing me to get thrown out of my seat and slide down the aisle and hit my head on a pole by the front of the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 340

You deserved it 194

By Anonymous - 20/02/2016 08:21 - United States - Pomona

Today, I went to a bingo club with my gran and won the second game and a butthurt old lady accused me of cheating. I ended up being taken aside by an apologetic member of staff and asked to leave. I'm still trying to figure out how you can even cheat at bingo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 836

You deserved it 1 434

By Anonymous - 19/05/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, it was my first day as an animal control officer. My first dispatch was to collect a dog that had been hit by a car. I had to clean up my dead dog on my first day of a job that barely pays rent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 404

You deserved it 4 209

By dinosawerr - 05/05/2009 12:42 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike with my parents. They make me wear a helmet when I'm with them. Some college age kids drove past and yelled, "Nice helmet!" My mother then told me, "They like you!" I'm sixteen and my helmet is blue. With flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 590

You deserved it 9 017

By nick - 12/01/2015 08:23 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I refused to serve a woman alcohol, as she looked underage. She complained to my manager about "age racism". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 814

You deserved it 2 717

Nokia 3310 FTW

By Anonymous - 17/03/2020 02:30 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while taking a rather large crap, I sent my sister a joking text saying, "I'm shitting my ass inside out." Turns out I sent it to my entire list of contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 1 921

By Anonymous - 03/03/2010 02:37 - United States

Today, I was talking to my best friend about a cute guy that girls are afraid to even speak to, so I then decided to march right up to him and say hello. When he smiled at me, I stood there with my mouth wide open, but I made non-coherent words. He asked me if I was a foreign exchange student. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 037

You deserved it 29 498

Keep it hidden

By Anonymous - 13/11/2021 05:01

Today, I posted in one of my groups about my lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, and took a pic of my feet to show some of the problems that come along with these diseases (like we all do). Facebook actually covered it, saying it could be offensive! Well damn, talk about their double standards on bullying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 112

By freakfreak12345 - 19/07/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 624

You deserved it 74 655

By WayToGoDaddyHo - 08/07/2015 06:17 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my father lectured me for dating a man with "no future", even though he's entering a PhD program next year at a top university. Meanwhile, my dad's last relationship was with a 20-year-old hooker who ended up stealing his credit cards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 886

You deserved it 1 808

By Anonymous - 25/04/2009 06:52 - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my family and a family I didn't know. I was about to press the number when somebody came up behind me. I thought it was my brother trying to press the number first, so I aggressivly pushed him out of the way. Turns out it was the other family's ten year old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 952

You deserved it 61 207

By Coolkid. - 14/06/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I was accidentally tagged in a photo of a group of people by a 'friend' on Facebook. She later corrected it, apparently everyone had already seen the tag and decided that the comment box below was a great opportunity to discuss how none of them would ever be caught dead hanging out with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 584

You deserved it 3 902

By ... - 12/03/2009 18:57 - France

Today, the really hot guy that works in the same building as me came to work after being away for the past two days. I said "Look who finally decided to come to work." His response: "I had a death in the family, thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 601

You deserved it 27 269

By Eganstein - 24/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend came over to a family game night. Halfway through a game of Klingon Monopoly, my drunk parents started arguing because apparently, while my dad was in jail, he cheated on my mom with a Klingon whore. I doubt my girlfriend will ever visit again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 866

You deserved it 2 694

By Anonymous - 28/08/2015 06:39 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found out my "friends" were bullshitting me about us having to write an important no-extension Biology essay. Copious amounts of my sweat, snot and tears went into that desperation-fueled nightmare. Thanks, dickheads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 933

You deserved it 2 582

Helpless

By Anonymous - 19/02/2021 21:30

Today, I have to cook for her if I don’t want her to live on sweets, remind her to actually eat her food before it goes bad, then clean and put away her dishes. When I ask her to help, she complains that she "can never do it right anyway." My teenage daughter? No, my mom, age 62. FML

I agree, your life sucks 825

You deserved it 100

By Barking Mad - 04/08/2013 11:21 - Australia - Revesby

Today, I got several noise complaints from various neighbours about my "dog that won't stop barking". I don't own a dog, my neighbour owns the noisy dog. She sent me a complaint as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 824

You deserved it 7 697

By Z - 09/04/2011 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad decided to have a little father and daughter bonding time. Unfortunately, his idea of bonding involves him sitting around at home, getting piss drunk, and falling asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 387

You deserved it 3 017

By magicalDEATH - 19/01/2010 17:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 012

You deserved it 35 168

By WarMachine68 - 06/06/2015 19:19 - United States - Shawnee

Today, just before a job interview, I coughed so violently that I lost my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 136

You deserved it 2 100

The Graduate

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 20:00

Today, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. The excitement didn't last too long because I broke my elbow by tripping over a stick at my graduation dinner. Definitely not intoxicated, just clumsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 424

You deserved it 148

By mallyboo - 01/10/2016 14:38 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 524

You deserved it 3 502

By dieders - 21/11/2016 06:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and opened my curtains to see my gardener up a ladder in front of my window tending to the plants growing up the side of the wall. This would've been fine if his ballsack wasn't hanging out his shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 747

You deserved it 1 127

By jasmith - 18/11/2012 07:45 - United States - Addison

Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 966

You deserved it 3 538

By That guy - 08/08/2016 15:45 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 515

You deserved it 3 535

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Top comments

sciencekidster1 8

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:54

"Sorry, my mom told me not to put small objects in my mouth. I could choke."

gojira666 7

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:15

"No thanks, I have a small nut allergy"

sciencekidster1 8

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:54

"Sorry, my mom told me not to put small objects in my mouth. I could choke."

Crlnprz 11

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:56

lmfao nice one #1

transcedental 18

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:58

smooth xD

Alex94xela 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:59

LOLOLOL I think op should help him out though

cyanne_fml 7

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:03

Win xD

dwreck69 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:09

Why'd you marry him YDI

AlexandriaMgmt 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:16

haha win. +5

ThreeSheetsGone 12

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:38

Caution: This product contains small parts which may lead to choking or other serious health problems. Not suitable for children under 18.

sabresgirl249 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 17:59

Nice !! good one

xSniperx_fml 5

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:02

LOL I lol'd

aussie_gemini 5

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:07

Technically isn't a blow job foreplay? What foreplay do you usually have for foreplay?

blueberrypsycho 9

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:13

the blowjob is not what's wrong but the invitation to it is.

gojira666 7

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:15

"No thanks, I have a small nut allergy"

GardeningHoes 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:12

People really don't need to post that they enjoy another comment, it's a bit annoying

perdix 29

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:47

As soon as you bring the mother-in-law into this, it usually kills the mood faster than saltpeter.

ThreeSheetsGone 12

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 20:24

Saltpeter is the worst thing ever. 36 hours without an erection after ingesting....absolutely awful.

Nekro_kat 1

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 21:37

21- your no fun!

deXter11_fml 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:14

#1 this was genius.

pinkspaceboundro 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:31

Yeah but typically this isn't how it's initiated.. What kinda guys do you date?

Rinat_fml 26

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:26

Your annoying.

Redheaddest 0

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:53

96- I really enjoyed your comment btw. It was great.

ownedurmom 1

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:04

Bhahhahaha really good one!!!

good41thing198 7

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 22:55

FYL

sexylol_fml 4

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:11

Hahah!

ItsApril 0

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:25

Ha ha sounds like my husband. His "invitation" is to look over and say "I'm gonna fuck you". I think it's funny.

43trauts 14

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 14:28

#1 is pure win

blindgay1 3

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Thursday 15 September 2011 7:14

I'm thirsty now. :p

ck11_fml 1

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Monday 21 November 2011 19:12

You're no fun. Just bc he wanted a blowjob doesn't mean he didn't plan on returning the favor

conholio33 28

Saturday 13 December 2014 11:13

Best comment ever

BrianAlarcon 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:54

Sounds fun....

chulamami916 6

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:13

Haha, I could see my husband saying something like that loll. Just be a trooper and go down, then just ask for the same favor in return. Its a win win situation! ;)

ReynshineCutting 10

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 17:44

If you're not remotely in the mood it's not a win win situation. It's just another miserable chore then.

flockz 19

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:26

"honey can you do the chores for me please?" "great now i have to suck your dick, again."

ItsApril 0

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:27

@66 or you could tell him to get you in the mood. Not that difficult.

muchagente 5

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:55

i love op's name

DCFan 9

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:33

Now everyone is going back to the top of the page to see what the name is. Thumb this up if you did!

flockz 19

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:30

i didnt thumb up anyone im a rebel.

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 21:01

This isn't youtube.

hayleyjames 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:56

That blows

babybrunette128 8

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:39

That sucks ...

Eggers 2

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:46

what a dick

sarapsosis 1

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 18:39

what a muchachos

BIEBERSLAYER 10

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:14

But she doesn't

WildKoala43 2

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:58

Ouch, what a pun. :P

Astroman129 7

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 4:54

Well you are what you eat.

Astroman129 7

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 4:54

Well you are what you eat.

Octain 13

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Wednesday 23 May 2012 6:30

I see what you did there ;)

andruha1123 5

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:57

what's the problem here?

22cute 17

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 20:43

Idiots, apparently you must be one

Enslaved 36

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:58

Are you able to talk with a mouth full of cock?

ShroomsOnAcid 16

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 17:33

It's a breeze for the adept.

longlostgirl 4

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:42

I could:)

ThreeSheetsGone 12

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:35

146- I don't care if you can talk, hum, whistle, or smoke a cigarette with a dick in your mouth. Don't even talk to me until you can sing the National Anthem in perfect pitch while deepthroating a cock covered in chocolate syrup and whipped cream.

josh8215 21

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 15:58

Start singing that one beetles song. "Hello, hello hellooooo, I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello."

transcedental 18

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:02

Or the doors: Hello, I love you, won't you tell me tour name. Hello, I love you, let me jump in your game.

MrBoredGuy 1

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 16:30

I think you mean The Beatles

josh8215 21

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 19:19

Yes, I did, but by the time I noticed the fuck up, it was rather too late. In my defence, it was very early in the morning here in the central time zone.