Kids: Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was... - FML

By riiiighhhttttt - 05/08/2013 05:38 - United States - Laurel

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 614

You deserved it 4 338

Empathy lives

Mama's boy

Got a screw loose

By Anonymous - 18/03/2014 14:56 - Japan

Today, I found out my ex just got engaged to a girl he met 3 months ago, shortly before he ended our 5 year relationship. His reason for breaking up was that he didn't believe in marriage and couldn't be with someone who wanted to get married. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 700

You deserved it 4 041

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 08:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my pregnancy hormones were so bad, I broke down crying because my cat sat on my husband's lap instead of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 902

You deserved it 2 824

Get vaccinated, you doofuses

By Anonymous - 28/09/2021 08:00 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came into town for the weekend. A proof of vaccination card to enter non-essential businesses also started. My dear boyfriend refuses to sign up for the card. Guess our nights out will be grocery shopping and him waiting outside while I shop anywhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 299

Bored

By POP-o-popo - 04/02/2021 17:01

Today, school finally opened up using a hybrid schedule. Unfortunately, two of my teachers were quarantined and half of the school was on Zoom. I spent two hours in the library doing nothing with a mask on. Everyone else was on Zoom in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 100

By pissedinSwiss - 17/07/2009 15:01 - Switzerland

Today, while backpacking in Switzerland I had my camera stolen. Not only does this have photos of my entire trip but the pictures I took for my best friend's wedding. I was the only photographer of her elopement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 056

You deserved it 12 180

By dummy - 17/02/2012 00:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky in bed. He mumbled something that sounded like "I love you." I replied "I love you too baby", to which he laughed then said, "I said I wanted you to blow me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 630

You deserved it 5 638

By Anonymous - 20/05/2019 06:35

Spicy

Today, while getting steamy with my boyfriend, I tried to be sexy and tease him by playfully pushing his hands away every time he touched me. He responded by telling me it's OK if we didn't have sex because my breath was a bit "funky" and he needed to take "a massive dump anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 2 885

By Foster_Em - 04/07/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I was coming home from a date, I saw my ex standing in my drive-way. He had dumped me 2 months ago saying he couldn't talk me. To make him jealous, I made out with my new guy before greeting him. Turns out he couldn't talk to me because he had had cancer and had been afraid to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 203

You deserved it 79 144

By Anonymous - 16/01/2015 01:08 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 876

You deserved it 17 209

Let it out

By Anonymous - 05/10/2020 14:02

Spicy

Today, I know it’s pathetic to cry after sex, so you can imagine how pathetic I feel when I cry after masturbating, because cleaning my vibrator afterwards just reminds me how long it’s been since I had a man, and how lonely I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 227

You deserved it 1 446

By So little trust. - 12/07/2013 23:18 - Canada - Coaldale

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 379

You deserved it 7 624

By Anonyme - 27/03/2015 09:50 - France - Laill

Today, when I woke up, I got into the bath that my boyfriend had prepared for me. I particularly appreciated its smell, so I asked him what he'd used. "I couldn't find the usual bath salts you use, so I just used what I could." It's official, I've taken a Alka-Seltzer flavored bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 726

You deserved it 3 455

By holla1787 - 04/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 467

You deserved it 2 803

By Anonymous - 10/08/2013 19:28 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I took my driving test. As I was about to turn at a green light, a car sped toward us from the other direction, running a red light. My instructor failed me because I stopped to avoid getting rammed. Apparently I should have kept going, because it was my right of way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 474

You deserved it 3 610

Cake is everything

By Anonymous - 28/08/2020 01:08 - Australia - South Yarra

Today, at my maternal grandmother’s wake, I decided I deserved a piece of cake as it had been a hard day. I was serving myself a slice when my paternal grandma caught my eye from across the room, making a “fat face” at me. She called out, loudly, “You don’t need it Pudgy.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 651

By Rage - 08/10/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, while working on my girlfriend of three years' computer I found a file called 'My future wedding'. I assumed it was very old and decided to look through it. Of the list of 5 potential grooms I was not one of them. This didn't bother me until I saw that it had last been edited two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 846

You deserved it 4 464

By djxerxes9000 - 08/02/2013 02:56 - Canada

Today, I had an in-depth conversation at work about how technically Luke Skywalker was never a Jedi Master. Highlight of my working day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 454

You deserved it 5 778

By Anonymous - 19/02/2010 20:36 - United States

Today, I discovered that when business is slow at my family-owned store, my daughter and another employee make a habit of sneaking away to the back room. I have literally been paying this kid to screw around with my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 389

You deserved it 5 188

By kernelkat - 06/11/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I found out the presentation I've been looking forward to and preparing for months only has three people registered to attend. I'll be talking to an empty room for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 633

You deserved it 2 645

By Soon2beexhr - 05/02/2018 15:00

Today, my boss tested a candidate for my current position while I was out of the office. How did I find out? I work in HR and the test results were sent to my email. The reason I was out was to have emergency surgery. Now I get to recover and job search at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 424

You deserved it 202

By LemmyIsWet - 17/12/2012 07:33 - United States

Today, I took a relaxing bath, but got the book I was reading slightly wet when getting out. I put it on top of the towel dryer after delicately shaking it. Five minutes later, I heard a splash; I went into the bathroom to find that my book had toppled into the toilet bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 748

You deserved it 27 382

By onthetoilet - 04/01/2010 22:20 - France

Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but I woke up with explosive diarrhea. So while they are at the happiest place on Earth, I'm stuck on this toilet left to imagine that the splash from my crap is a splash from splash mountain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 492

You deserved it 3 304

USA! FUCK YEAH!

By dinkley7 - 20/03/2021 21:30

Today, at work, I had to tell someone to put out a cigarette. He yelled at me saying it’s a free country. I work at a gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 56

By Anonymous - 10/04/2013 04:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, my boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 712

You deserved it 13 147

By Shiverice - 13/10/2012 11:22 - United States - Battle Creek

Today, I was babysitting four kids. I turned the TV on for them, and set the youngest on my lap. She started giggling and pointing at every single pimple I have, exclaiming "Boo-boo!" This went on for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 631

You deserved it 3 174

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98 024

You deserved it 16 698

By Joe - 04/08/2011 18:28 - United States

Today, I asked a guy if he could buy me a pack of cigarettes, since I'm still under 18. He took my money, went into the supermarket, and must have slipped out a side-entrance, because he never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 784

You deserved it 125 878

By jaqlove - 02/07/2016 20:28 - United States - Clementon

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 943

You deserved it 2 627

By I hear everything... - 22/04/2017 18:00

Today, I can now identify which of my four roommates is using the washroom, based on their grunts. I just love having a bedroom beside the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 017

You deserved it 281

By imahater07 - 28/01/2016 07:02 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I found out that I don't have to work tomorrow. Normally I would be thrilled to hear this, but not from the 6 o'clock news, doing a piece on my work's rat infestation and indefinite shut down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 917

You deserved it 1 387

Grossed out

By Anonymous - 10/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 680

You deserved it 311

By Llaurin - 24/01/2011 14:43 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband has been painting our house all weekend and plans to finish the job after work today. I decided to surprise him by completing the job myself. Painting the last window frame, I dropped the open tin of white paint, right onto our car roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 668

You deserved it 10 756

By ocdistheworst - 26/08/2013 20:05 - United States - Gardena

Today, I was formally diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. My mom saw this as an excuse to make me clean the whole house top to bottom, because "Hey, you love to clean." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 570

You deserved it 3 870

By fml - 25/04/2009 01:55 - United States

Today, I was walking through town when I saw a plastic bag on the ground. Trying to be a good citizen, I picked it up, intending on throwing it in the trash. When I looked up, there wasn't a trash can for another hundred feet. So I put it back down. Now I've got a $200 fine to pay for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 974

You deserved it 60 932

By cmolloy - 21/12/2011 14:40 - Ireland

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 274

You deserved it 4 459

Proud

By Anonymous - 16/07/2016 12:31

Today, I found a "White Power" bumper sticker on the back of my car. I don't know what idiot thought it'd be funny to put it there, but now my neighbors think I'm a proud racist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 614

You deserved it 1 009

By parisite - 01/10/2010 08:35 - France

Today, I decided to get some exercise for the first time in months. I went to the store and bought a brand new bicycle and all the necessary paraphernalia. I drove a half hour to a bike trail, unloaded the bike, and started riding. 10 feet later, the chain snapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 083

You deserved it 4 241

By Em - 15/10/2009 06:12 - France

Today, my boyfriend accidentally called me from his pocket. I thought it would be funny to see what him and his friends were talking about. I laughed when I heard him talking about us fooling around until I realized it wasn't me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 238

You deserved it 3 606

By goodeyesight - 11/10/2012 14:02 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I went on a blind date. Sadly, I wasn't blind enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 326

You deserved it 31 626

By jess - 07/03/2010 14:08 - South Africa

Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 967

You deserved it 4 667

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:00

And now you're gonna tell me Santa isnt real too?

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:22

You might want to consider dental hygiene if you're old enough to live alone and are still losing teeth.

Comments

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:00

And now you're gonna tell me Santa isnt real too?

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:16

What? Santa isn't real? My life is a lie.

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:16

Pfffft, santa is a huge fake, the easter bunny, now that's real and ever so evasive

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:17

Bitch please he's real!! Santa's the only reason I can make cookies in December... and I'm Jewish! xD

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:16

But Santa is real! Who else brings presents in the middle of the night every year?

wantmeasandwich 26

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:00

Of course it's based on a true character. Whatever gave you that idea, OP?

SilverInGray 25

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:01

While shrek was based on a wrestler, the story certainly wasn't based on anything.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Monday 5 August 2013 21:15

It has to be a true story. I've seen 4 ogres in my life so far. People call them the Baldwin brothers.. Haha.

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Sunday 11 August 2013 2:03

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:01

while your add it,, tell her Santa Claus isn't real too

LissaMccracken 23

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:32

Wait... While you're add it? Huh?

KingReppin956 15

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Monday 5 August 2013 21:33

My parents nor any other parents have told there kids Shrek was real, or put them in the same category as santa or the tooth fair.

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:03

I was looking forward to marrying Farquaad. :( My dreams are crushed.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:21

He's such a ham.

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:31

But... but Farqaad died in the first movie

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:36

#26: Shush, you destroyer of hopes. Farquaad lives, and once we are married I will kill him and become ruler of Far-Far Away. *cackles evilly*

flockz 19

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Monday 5 August 2013 20:30

i think your expectations will come up short when you meet him in person.

mollyjynxjax 28

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Monday 5 August 2013 21:54

But he got eaten by Dragon!

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:03

Wait, it's not? My life is a lie!

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:07

The younger generation leaves me completely hopeless...

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:36

Yes! Please tell me more about how the next generation is doomed because of a few idiots.

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:44

With the name C-money no less.

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Monday 5 August 2013 20:09

31 It seems like there are many more idiots because they are the very vocal minority. I firmly believe that the film Idiocracy is a documentary that was sent from the future and reshot with actors. It feels like that is exactly how we're going to end up in a few decades.

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:48

I think you're ogrereacting a bit, #10

blakesinthelake 11

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:08

Well whatever age she is, she has the brain of a 7 year old

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:13

Slap the teeth out of her mouth and tell her the tooth fairy will pay her for them.

lightanddark 17

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:15

Couldn't she tell that it was actually based on Big Foot? *sarcastic*

aklm15 14

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Monday 5 August 2013 19:16

My entire life is a lie...

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 38

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 114

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 686

You deserved it 791