Moving - FML

Moving

By Anonymous - 16/05/2020 05:00

Today, I realized timing really is everything. I met the man of my dreams less than a month before I’m relocating for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 329

You deserved it 225

Leave us alone

Another great day to be alive

It is what it is

By Shnur - 05/04/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, my patient, a chubby little girl, stood on a scale to measure her weight. She was 5 yrs old and weighed 65 lbs. I started giving her advice on eating healthy: fruits, vegetables, and more greens. She turned to her mother giving a look of shock and said, "But mommy, the doctor is fat too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 607

You deserved it 20 759

By Anonymous - 03/05/2015 07:42 - United States - Annapolis

Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 309

You deserved it 5 037

By Scott - 15/09/2011 07:34 - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 207

You deserved it 6 380

By Username - 05/10/2011 00:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, on my way home, my girlfriend started sexting me, telling me that she was waiting at my house. In my rush to get home to see her, I got pulled over and had to be patted down. He found no weapons, but he did find my stiffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 800

You deserved it 12 596

Shut up and take it

By Eric - 14/03/2020 06:05

Today my college professor told me that I ask him too many questions. Apparently, my college tuition fee doesn't include learning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 540

You deserved it 214

Sad and lonely

By yikes78 - 31/05/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident, I blurted out, "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 721

You deserved it 10 478

By ihateloopholes - 21/06/2015 20:42 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 938

You deserved it 8 564

By Btdtgts - 25/03/2017 14:00

Today, I had to take out the grease traps from our fryers. A very rude co-worker cut me off, so I had to abruptly stop and try to prevent as much spilling as possible. Luckily, it only spilled on me. I'm here for six more hours with burned, smelly, greasy spots all over my skin and clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 526

You deserved it 312

By rrefaat - 28/06/2019 07:00 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I thought our CEO had clearly stated that I will only be focusing on my job, and all other stuff will not be my problem. Apparently, I was wrong, because I still get blamed for all the other departments' mistakes, even though I don't manage them. He does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 685

You deserved it 125

Didn't think it through

By Mister_FML - 12/08/2020 08:01

Today, I was at my new store, fixing it up. I was about to leave, so I took my clothes off to let the dirty ones dry, as I had other clothes in my car. I walked to the back of my store and the back door locked. The car was locked. I was in my boxers with no phone and no way to go home for 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 1 283

By Anonymous - 11/05/2015 06:59 - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, once again, I explained that yes, I'm Russian. No, I'm not a communist. No, I don't pray to a picture of Putin riding a bear. And no, I don't have any vodka on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 207

You deserved it 3 534

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 21:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, for the first time, I told my girlfriend of two months that I love her. She broke down in laughter and mockingly asked, "What are you, some kind of queer?" I could've sworn she was mentally older than a 5-year-old when I asked her out. I guess not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 264

You deserved it 12 150

By sexychica - 21/07/2009 17:45 - United States

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 295

You deserved it 6 331

By assgoblins piss me off - 06/05/2014 20:52 - Canada - Camrose

Today, I turned in my best painting yet for a scholarship competition. For once in my life, I was actually proud of a piece I'd done. I ended up losing the scholarship to some dickface who'd basically just glued together some crap from the dollar store and called it conceptual art. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 118

You deserved it 5 572

By lillymean - 03/02/2012 01:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 426

You deserved it 6 092

By Chris - 11/01/2010 13:43 - Ireland

Today, I jumped into a pile of snow which had built up against a wall. Turns out it wasn't snow but a pile of cement covered by an inch of snow. I now have a 3 inch cut along my leg and a sprained wrist from falling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 633

You deserved it 29 049

Geography

By Anonymous - 14/07/2012 22:47 - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my boss that in some parts of the world, it's currently winter, due to the different hemispheres. He scoffed, accused me of "making shit up," and said that if I took him for a fool again, I'd be looking for a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 455

You deserved it 2 346

By Miss_Whipped - 14/10/2016 06:04 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I just received the king-sized bed I'd ordered. My boyfriend moved out two days ago when we broke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 162

You deserved it 1 197

By shitballs_911 - 07/10/2009 11:13 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 299

You deserved it 12 304

Cats > Babies

By Anonymous - 11/02/2020 14:00

Today, my husband loves his cat more than our new baby daughter. This morning, he spent 2 hours playing with the cat, yet when I handed him his flesh and blood daughter, he found an excuse to hand her back after 5 minutes, then 5 minutes after that he was playing with the cat again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 889

You deserved it 387

By mia - 29/12/2016 22:35 - United States - Wakefield

Today, I told my mom that I think I'm lactose intolerant, and that I should go to the doctor to get checked out. She said that I was probably just gassy, and then ordered us a pizza for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 492

You deserved it 903

By Indigo_Kitten - 08/08/2010 01:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 854

You deserved it 18 989

By justgreat - 24/03/2012 02:30 - United States - Opa Locka

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 460

You deserved it 6 176

By LiveGuard - 28/03/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, I was taking a lifeguard certification test. I nearly drowned halfway through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 828

You deserved it 22 250

By guttedgirl - 04/06/2011 11:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend's band has become quite popular on YouTube. My friends and sister won't stop singing their songs. Most of them were written after I dumped him, and go on to say how much better off he is without me and how horrible I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 308

You deserved it 23 505

Thanks for the support

By Anonymous - 15/03/2021 20:30 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I came home upset about the sexism in my work place. I just wanted to be alone, but my husband insisted we talk about it. I noticed he kept looking over and one of his hands was moving. He was playing video games the entire time I was spilling my guts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 175

By DHarman - 25/05/2010 23:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 535

You deserved it 4 045

By DwarfFrog - 18/06/2012 11:38 - United States

Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 318

You deserved it 3 376

By Juicy12Jham - 09/09/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 039

You deserved it 4 447

By Anonymous - 20/04/2013 14:26 - United States

Today, my crew was called out to do some house maintenance. We were nearly done, when someone had the goddamned fucking brilliant idea of washing plaster off their hands in the kitchen sink, which clogged the pipes. Instead of getting paid, we now owe for damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 851

You deserved it 5 520

By insignificant - 29/10/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I was getting on a bus, the driver shut the door on me while I was half way inside. Instead of apologizing to me, he criticized me for getting in the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 862

You deserved it 3 331

By aphre - 18/03/2009 12:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 731

You deserved it 11 853

By ohtheirony - 19/08/2018 18:30

Today, I scratched my car with a bottle of scratch remover deeply enough that the scratch remover couldn't remove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 524

You deserved it 573

By Blondie - 22/10/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, after a heated debate with my friend on whether blondes are naturally stupid, I convinced her that I'm actually quite intelligent, and poured myself a glass of juice in victory. After finishing the glass, instead of returning the bottle back to the refrigerator, I put it in the cupboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 654

You deserved it 40 977

By Anonymous - 25/04/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 181

You deserved it 4 841

By lgt5628 - 26/09/2014 23:58 - United States - Miami

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 653

You deserved it 6 605

By Anonymous - 28/04/2015 16:58 - United Kingdom - Exminster

Spicy

Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 659

You deserved it 4 413

By hater - 16/03/2010 10:55

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 163

You deserved it 14 806

Word of the day

By Maryann - 19/03/2021 05:01

Today, my four year-old daughter asked me what the word “necrophilia” means. I have no idea where she even heard that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 820

You deserved it 67

By StupidJob - 01/09/2016 23:23 - United States - Batavia

Today I was home sick from work because my doctor gave me a new pill that made me throw up violently. My boss called. I thought she was checking on me. She fired me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 818

You deserved it 834

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Send a private message

Saturday 16 May 2020 7:06

Well now you have a decision to make. Which is more important to you?

wellthatsunfortunate 10

Send a private message

Saturday 16 May 2020 17:34

Talk on the phone, skype, write messages, letters even. Try long distance. See if you Teil can make it work. If yes, it is meant to be. If there are difficulties in the future, you'll probably know by then if the man or the job is more important to you.

Comments

Send a private message

Saturday 16 May 2020 7:06

Well now you have a decision to make. Which is more important to you?

Send a private message

Saturday 16 May 2020 15:49

which one will help you in the long haul? is this true love or is this fear holding you back? do what you think is right

wellthatsunfortunate 10

Send a private message

Saturday 16 May 2020 17:34

Talk on the phone, skype, write messages, letters even. Try long distance. See if you Teil can make it work. If yes, it is meant to be. If there are difficulties in the future, you'll probably know by then if the man or the job is more important to you.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 836

You deserved it 111

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 210

You deserved it 292