Miscellaneous: Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression,...

By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

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Miscellaneous

Mystery

Pleased to meet you

The Blob

By anon - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after coming home from an AFL match in Melbourne at about 11pm, I saw a woman asleep on the train as we neared the end of the line. Being a nice person, I went to wake her, to which she started screaming and trying to punch me. FML

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By Moose - Poland

Today, my boss signed and sent me back my timesheet. He named the PDF file "Timeshit". Now I don't know whether he's terrible at spelling, or just expressed his view of my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my piano teacher complimented my song, calling it great. I was proud and thanked him, then realized he was being sarcastic. FML

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By crap - United States

Today, I was fired from my job for breaking my company's tattoo policy. I have a small scar on my wrist that roughly resembles a heart. My boss insists that it's one of those white ink tattoos. No one will believe me. FML

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By Katrin - Norway

Today, I got into my car after a long shift at work. When I looked in my rear view mirror, a horrifyingly evil face grinned at me from the back window. I leaped out of the car, only to be chased around by two people in clown masks. It turned out to be a prank set up by my co-workers. FML

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By Redhottt6

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I forgot an important book for school, because I dreamt that I was putting it in my bag. My brain somehow classified it as reality. This isn't the first time my dreams have trolled me. FML

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By TPelekakis - United States - Kingsport

Today, I lost the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few weeks. I had vowed to do whatever it took to lose that weight, and I actually did, when I caught a horrible stomach bug. I'd eat my words, but I'm pretty sure I'd just end up throwing them up. FML

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By oink oink fuck off - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

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By NickDrakeFan - United States

Today, I overcame my stage fright and got up in front of a café audience with my acoustic guitar to sing a few of my songs. Some asshat kept yelling stuff like "NEEDS MORE COWBELL!" and "FREEBIRD!", which made me lose my nerve and flee. FML

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By jesspie - United Kingdom

Today, the abandoned cat that I took in for the night and during bad weather seems to have spread fleas around my house. They're everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to me crying. He asked what was wrong, but before I could answer, he'd already rolled over and started snoring louder than ever, making the migraine I was crying about even worse. FML

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By TKPhai - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents, my aunt and her husband went out to dinner. There, my aunt told us that she was pregnant, and out of instinct, I asked her who the father is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arcadia

Today, my grandma saw me putting some mints in my mouth when she walked by my room. Instead of confronting me, she told my dad I was doing drugs. FML

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By tallguy - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I finally received the bicycle I ordered months ago. It was an expensive custom-made bike which perfectly fit my 6'9" frame. Today, that bike got stolen. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I bought a rather unique shirt for my boyfriend, planning to give it to him for Christmas. He showed up wearing the same shirt. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By ac13 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how excited I was to drive 12 hours to see him and his new house. His girlfriend answered. FML

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By Melaknee - United States

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

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By StudMuffinette - United States

Today, I was at work when someone came in asking me to brush their pet shih tzu. After an hour of vigorously grooming through the multiple knots, I called the owner to collect their dog. When she got here she said, "Oh, did I say brush? I meant shave." FML

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By disgusted - United Kingdom

Today, my parents and I attended the funeral of my husband's mother. It was open-casket, and my parents went to take a look. My mum muttered, "With a dress that tacky, no wonder she died", and my dad chuckled. A fight quickly erupted, and the police were called. FML

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By ouch - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wheelchair was delivered. My brother and I were messing around with it when he rolled over my already injured foot. At least surgery is next week. FML

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By benz1369 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while stocking the green beans at work, I picked up a "leaf" which turned out to be a grasshopper. I screamed so loud, my coworkers now think I'm crazy. This is only my second week here. FML

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By ApparentlyBadDriver - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I got into a fight with my parents when they called me a bad driver. Imagine their smugness when I had to call them two hours later and tell them that I drove into a pole. FML

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By anon - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

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By Oopsie - United States - Saint Albans

Today, a revolving door got the better of me. I made it into the crowded lobby, unlike my skirt. Bad day to wear a thong. FML

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By Virginy - France

Today, I was stuck in the elevator at my building, so I pushed the emergency button which made a ringing noise. After half an hour, I hear someone yelling to the elevator, "Could you stop pushing that button, there are kids sleeping." FML

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By khfhjfsb - United States - Downers Grove

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

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By Whoneedsgradschool

Today, my parents gave me a letter they'd forgotten about since late last year. In it was a $30,000 scholarship to a local master's program with an application due date of two weeks ago. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a 31% on a Chinese test at school. I moved here to New Jersey from China two months ago. FML

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By paranoid - United States

Today, I was walking on a path through a park by myself. I glanced at the ground and saw a shadow behind me. Thinking of an attacker, I screamed as loud as I could and began flailing my arms to ward him off. Turns out, it was a jogger. He had to stop due to his uncontrollable laughter. FML

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By Annie - Mexico

Today, I noticed that my dog was feeling sad. I let him hop on my bed with me to make him feel better. It worked, right after he vomited all over my face and pillow. FML

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By GoogleOFF - 7/7/2020 08:08

Alexa, fuck off

Today, my Google Home decided the TV told it to play 'Despacito'. It didn't. Google then decided I wasn't yelling at it to turn it off. I was. FML

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By obtuse_ballsack - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

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By anon - Canada

Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 07:59

Bottom of the list

Today, after my boyfriend used to tell me that, with his demanding job, he just didn’t have the time or energy for a meaningful conversation with me. Thanks to COVID, he works 90% less now, finding time for online college, cooking and new furniture, yet didn’t invest even one extra minute into our couple. FML

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By NotTilly - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, my husband ruined the laundry once again. He forgot to empty his pants pockets before washing them. Last time he left an ink pen in them. This time it was a strawberry. FML

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By Vomit

Today, we had a patient projectile vomiting in our ambulance. I didn't know she had puked on our cot until I found it with my bare hand at the hospital. FML

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Top comments

By jainam | 7

#6225427 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

By feven | 32

#6225422 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:04

Maybe Shrek is trying to tell you something

COMMENTS

By feven | 32

#6225422 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:04

Maybe Shrek is trying to tell you something

JMichael | 25

#6225500 - Sunday 8 March 2015 14:53

That ogres are like onions?

Jason89 | 14

#6225728 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:46

oh i know #25! they stink?

fortune789 | 17

#6225762 - Sunday 8 March 2015 20:24

Get aot of mai swahmp!

Wutdafuqq | 24

#6225888 - Sunday 8 March 2015 23:49

You cannot run from Shrek.
You cannot hide from Shrek.
Shrek will find you.
Shrek is love.
Shrek is life.

xKrisSmoove | 21

#6225960 - Monday 9 March 2015 0:39

Shrek is trying to say "it's not ogre yet"

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6225981 - Monday 9 March 2015 0:52

@63 That is getting to be severely overplayed.

By OnlyAvailableID | 28

#6225423 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:05

I'd imagine you'd be quite ogre it after a while.

By jainam | 7

#6225427 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

Livin_Like_Larry | 29

#6225716 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:36

Why am I not surprised that this is too comment

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6226943 - Monday 9 March 2015 21:20

Shrek is dreck!!

lovebooks07 | 15

#6658550 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 8:48

Noooooooooooo

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6225428 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

I guess you could say it was a 'shrek' day

originaljosh | 11

#6225505 - Sunday 8 March 2015 15:00

Did i miss something here?

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6225654 - Sunday 8 March 2015 18:20

Shrektastic*

By ThatLobster | 24

#6225430 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:12

Why don't you show your parents the 'shrek Is love shrek is life' video and say that's where his behavior is coming from.. ;)

By Steffi3 | 40

#6225431 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:12

At least Shrek does a decent impression of himself

By Classy_Sassy15 | 18

#6225432 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:13

As a big sister of 4 siblings I know exactly how you feel.

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6225434 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:16

50 shades of grey?

Shadowvoid | 33

#6225719 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:38

No, the little mermaid

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6226485 - Monday 9 March 2015 13:46

Actually, it was Jack and Jill.

confusedAsFuck | 34

#6226667 - Monday 9 March 2015 16:32

Don't be stupid, it clearly was Mamma Mia..

robohobosapien | 5

#6227084 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 0:08

You got the wrong color.
It's 50 Shades of Green

By 123ika | 16

#6225435 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:16

It's all ogre now atleast

By HeWhoIsNameless | 8

#6225438 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:17

Casablanca?

B1ackthesun | 31

#6225533 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:17

Don't be stupid. It was clearly Rosemary's Baby

brittaaany_93 | 38

#6225606 - Sunday 8 March 2015 17:25

Damn. I thought it was Titanic!

False_Stupidity | 41

#6225697 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:13

Gremlins?

MrBoredomioo | 18

#6225872 - Sunday 8 March 2015 23:24

the shining

tdawg91 | 17

#6226011 - Monday 9 March 2015 1:22

My money is on "gone with the wind"

BakedTaters | 16

#6226217 - Monday 9 March 2015 5:26

No, it has to be Jaws.

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6226487 - Monday 9 March 2015 13:47

Was it Back to the Future?