Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression,...

By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 19:05 - United States - Brandon

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dad jokes, part 43884

Oh, hai!

Trust

By badparent - 8/4/2013 04:26 - Australia - Southport

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2012 04:19 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I found one of my mom's old diaries that dated back to my infant days. I couldn't help but read a little. I'm now in great concern over how many times my mom wrote that she wanted to dunk me in the toilet or throw me against a wall. FML

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By Fuzy - 15/12/2008 03:24 - France

Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 07:51 - United States - Portland

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

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By epistaxis - 29/1/2009 02:31 - Australia

Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML

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By idislikeblanks - 30/1/2013 07:03 - United States - Lathrop

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2017 22:40 - United States - Monroe

A+ for Effort

Today, being Valentine's Day, I went all out for my wife with flowers, a candlelit dinner, and tickets to a broadway show. The flowers arrived dead, the dinner sucked, and my wife hated the show. Afterwards, I tried to be intimate, but apparently I smelled like a shart trapped in a pant leg. FML

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By soldnone - 18/11/2012 10:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a booth at a very expensive craft show. My grandma came to show her support. While there, she managed to knock over my display, get in the way of potential buyers and take down a rather old lady when she supposedly stumbled. This all happened in the first five minutes she was there. FML

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By damn - 4/1/2013 14:08 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had a fight with my boyfriend over a girl he is close to. He later arrived with flowers for what I thought was an apology. He was actually breaking up with me; the flowers were for her, he just didn't want to leave them in the car. FML

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By Dumped - 22/12/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, I was going on a date with my girlfriend. When I took her home, her sister came to the door. I used to date her sister and I didn't know they were related. My girlfriend realized this, then kicked me in the crotch. FML

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By whatislife1969 - 8/9/2017 10:00

Baby don't hurt me...

Today, my friends got me a cake for my birthday. As I blew out the candles, they shoved my head into it and I was knocked out for 3 minutes before an ambulance took me to the hospital. I got a concussion from a cake. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2013 07:38 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, marks my fifth day being an English teacher's assistant. I spent it like the other four days: grading and editing terrible Teen Wolf, One Direction and Doctor Who high school fan-fiction. Six months until I get out of here. FML

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By Dfacta - 13/5/2010 17:51 - United States

Today, I found out the reason I've been itchy for the last two weeks is because I'm now allergic to chlorine. I'm also a swimming instructor. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 02:07 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 02:00

Break it off

Today, I found out my fiancée wishes she'd never said yes when I proposed, as she is in love with another man and has been hiding their relationship for years. FML

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By NotJoeyEssex - 26/7/2019 00:01

Today, I was so lonely and bored, I thought about making the most of our current heatwave by giving myself heatstroke, just so I could talk to a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my dog disappeared for an hour. After calling her name repeatedly, she crawled out from under my bed, threw up on my feet, and then happily walked out the room. FML

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By Dalistair - 23/5/2013 23:25 - United States - High Point

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

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By rogerusmc23 - 24/5/2011 02:41 - Japan

Today, while all the other marines got to fly around the island on a helicopter, I got stuck on gear guard. What was I guarding? The staff sergeant's parking spot. FML

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By Failure - 9/11/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade. I had worked extremely hard in that class. I had one submission for the test. My roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while i was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

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By anonymous - 11/8/2010 19:19 - Canada

Today, after saving up my money for weeks, I went to see my favorite artist in concert with my friends. Two songs in, I passed out, hit my head, and had to have someone drive me home. FML

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By _kristaaxo - 21/11/2016 09:24 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my boyfriend turned out to be a moron. Although he loves anal porn, he says gay sex is revolting. His reasoning? Because guys poop out of their buttholes. Apparently women don't. FML

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By afraidtoburn - 26/2/2012 04:18 - Canada

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

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By ElaborateScheme - 14/8/2016 20:52 - United States - Palm Beach Gardens

Today, I was feeling a little bored so I decided to go outside for once. Living in Florida is nice and all except for the fact that right now I'm putting ice over two snake bites. FML

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By Hungryman - 15/1/2010 21:30 - France

Today, I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal from a fast food restaurant. Turns out, they didn't give me diet. My blood sugar spiked and I was sick for hours later. I'm a diabetic. FML

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By LifeSucks - 8/11/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

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By Earths_Venus - 25/12/2009 06:28 - Australia

Today, I sat for 3 hours at my boyfriend's Christmas celebrations. He has 22 cousins. They open presents one at a time. In silence. I got nothing. FML

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By Antoine Karam - 27/6/2019 04:30

Today, I was invited to an engagement. My crush is getting engaged next month to a man she told me she hated. FML

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By HereKittyKitty - 1/12/2013 20:27 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after being convinced that my cat had worms due to eating so much food and still looking really skinny, I found out that my neighbor secretly lets his dog in through my pet door while I'm at work. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2011 00:17 - Ireland

Today, I heard that one of our customers had passed away. Saddened, I told everyone who came into our shop about his death. Understandably, some customers got very upset and one even fainted. Suddenly, the 'dead' man walked into the shop. Turns out I got the name wrong. FML

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By madiison09 - 1/4/2013 17:46 - United States

Today, I got a letter from Yale law school saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing... even the bottom, which said, "April fools! Love mom and dad." FML

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By JJ - 21/3/2016 19:06 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I, a vampire-pale girl, went on a blind date with a very dark-skinned young man. We got on like a house on fire, and everything was going smoothly until we leant in for the kiss. I was wearing makeup and no setting spray. He came away with half his face smudged snow white. FML

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By wishyouweremeds - 30/10/2019 16:00 - Australia - Sydney

Where's my explanation?

Today, after two and half years at my company and after recently being promoted, I was told by my boss the business doesn't feel it needs me, and invited me to find another job. FML

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By benjo - 6/8/2013 18:07 - United States

Today, I was lifeguarding a pool party for a bunch of eight year olds. One of them decided it'd be funny to have a contest to see who could make the most bubbles with their farts. It led to three kids shitting themselves in the pool, and me having the dubious honor of cleaning it up. FML

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By adults acting like children - 17/9/2016 20:31 - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

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By thisismyawkwardface - 19/2/2014 07:17 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I was struggling through small-talk at a party where I knew nobody. Tattoos came up and I started talking about trendy, girly tattoos like feathers, anchors and infinity signs with stupid words in them. Turns out the girl I was talking to had all three. FML

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By samaram - 4/6/2013 06:47 - United States

Today, during a series of violent sneezes due to a cold, I bit my tongue. My tongue is now so swollen I cannot close my mouth and am drooling profusely. I have to get ready to go to my job as a cashier. FML

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By razordot - 28/2/2019 09:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after complaining all my life that no one makes a decent can opener, I have realised that I have been using them the wrong way. I finally figured out that the cutting blade goes on the SIDE of the can not the TOP. I'm 57 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, my parents held an intervention for me. Apparently they think I'm turning into a goth. All because they saw me re-lacing my shoes with black shoelaces instead of white ones. FML

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Top comments

By jainam | 7

#6225427 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

By feven | 32

#6225422 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:04

Maybe Shrek is trying to tell you something

Comments

By feven | 32

#6225422 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:04

Maybe Shrek is trying to tell you something

JMichael | 25

#6225500 - Sunday 8 March 2015 14:53

That ogres are like onions?

Jason89 | 14

#6225728 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:46

oh i know #25! they stink?

fortune789 | 17

#6225762 - Sunday 8 March 2015 20:24

Get aot of mai swahmp!

Wutdafuqq | 24

#6225888 - Sunday 8 March 2015 23:49

You cannot run from Shrek.
You cannot hide from Shrek.
Shrek will find you.
Shrek is love.
Shrek is life.

xKrisSmoove | 21

#6225960 - Monday 9 March 2015 0:39

Shrek is trying to say "it's not ogre yet"

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6225981 - Monday 9 March 2015 0:52

@63 That is getting to be severely overplayed.

By OnlyAvailableID | 28

#6225423 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:05

I'd imagine you'd be quite ogre it after a while.

By jainam | 7

#6225427 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

Livin_Like_Larry | 29

#6225716 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:36

Why am I not surprised that this is too comment

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6226943 - Monday 9 March 2015 21:20

Shrek is dreck!!

lovebooks07 | 15

#6658550 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 8:48

Noooooooooooo

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6225428 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

I guess you could say it was a 'shrek' day

originaljosh | 11

#6225505 - Sunday 8 March 2015 15:00

Did i miss something here?

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6225654 - Sunday 8 March 2015 18:20

Shrektastic*

By ThatLobster | 24

#6225430 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:12

Why don't you show your parents the 'shrek Is love shrek is life' video and say that's where his behavior is coming from.. ;)

By Steffi3 | 40

#6225431 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:12

At least Shrek does a decent impression of himself

By Classy_Sassy15 | 18

#6225432 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:13

As a big sister of 4 siblings I know exactly how you feel.

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6225434 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:16

50 shades of grey?

Shadowvoid | 33

#6225719 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:38

No, the little mermaid

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6226485 - Monday 9 March 2015 13:46

Actually, it was Jack and Jill.

confusedAsFuck | 34

#6226667 - Monday 9 March 2015 16:32

Don't be stupid, it clearly was Mamma Mia..

robohobosapien | 5

#6227084 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 0:08

You got the wrong color.
It's 50 Shades of Green

By 123ika | 16

#6225435 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:16

It's all ogre now atleast

By HeWhoIsNameless | 8

#6225438 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:17

Casablanca?

B1ackthesun | 31

#6225533 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:17

Don't be stupid. It was clearly Rosemary's Baby

brittaaany_93 | 38

#6225606 - Sunday 8 March 2015 17:25

Damn. I thought it was Titanic!

False_Stupidity | 41

#6225697 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:13

Gremlins?

MrBoredomioo | 18

#6225872 - Sunday 8 March 2015 23:24

the shining

tdawg91 | 17

#6226011 - Monday 9 March 2015 1:22

My money is on "gone with the wind"

BakedTaters | 16

#6226217 - Monday 9 March 2015 5:26

No, it has to be Jaws.

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6226487 - Monday 9 March 2015 13:47

Was it Back to the Future?