Miscellaneous: Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression,...

By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

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Miscellaneous

Mother of the year

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Weird movie choice

By why they bomb - Canada - Campbell River

Today, feeling in need of a self-esteem boost, I took what I thought was a good selfie and I put it on Facebook. Out of 500 friends, the only response I got was a picture of Saddam Hussein with the caption, "This is why I bomb people." FML

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By Scarlett - Canada - Barrie

Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage. Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis. She won't stop asking about the "hotdog" in the picture. FML

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By Jeremy - United States

Awkward

Today, I was getting it on with a girl I've been talking to for three months. She's a year younger than me and it was her first time. So, I went easy. After five minutes she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said I remind her of her dad. FML

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By sara - 24/7/2020 23:01

Spotted

Today, I discovered my first wrinkle at the same time as my millionth zit. FML

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By Anna

Great, some ice cream!

Today, after three years of working at my current occupation, they decided to give me a bonus for all of my hard work and effort. A 5$ gift card to Cold Stone. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I volunteered at a nursing home. I approached a lonely, old man who had a type of nervous tick. I went over to speak to him, and not even four sentences into our conversation he says, "I'd really like to make love to you." What I thought was a tick was actually him stroking himself. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

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By fmljae

Today, I rented a 4x4 to take my wife to a secret secluded beach for our anniversary. I got as close as I could to the spot and parked on the beach. After a few romantic hours we returned to find the car half way up the windows with water. I forgot it was king tide. FML

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By Lickmebaby - United Kingdom - Enfield

Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML

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By Christoams - France

Today, I was putting a new lightbulb in when my wife walks into the room and says "you can't see a thing, i'll turn the light on for you". And she did. FML

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By tickdog - United States - Rockwall

Today, I got my dog back from my aunt. Rather than taking him to an actual groomer, I gave him to my aunt because she needed a few extra bucks. My generosity lost me $35, and gave my dog ticks and a bad haircut. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

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By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

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By macguy - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML

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By wtfdaughter - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

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By greek_dancer - United States

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had a chest x-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML

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By aineroo - Ireland - Galway

Today, I managed to convince my sister that when you press down the diet button on the lid of a McDonald's cup it turns whatever is in there diet. I pressed the button and she started shouting how she hates diet drinks. She's 19. FML

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By bob - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We are now both being treated at the hospital; her for glass wounds, me for a concussion. FML

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By ghostninja4593 - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, my reflexes kicked in when I saw a hot glue gun falling. FML

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By pod - United States

Today, my boyfriend threw me into his pool. I had my phone and iPod in my pockets. FML

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By Filingfordivorce

Today, it seems my husband didn't realize that "Office Space" is just a movie and began to act like the characters in a pathetic attempt to, "stand up to the establishment!" Perhaps he also didn't realize that attempted arson is considered a federal crime. The bail is $20,000. FML

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By poseidon5213 - United States - Inglewood

Today, I started my job as one of those sign spinners. About an hour later, some people drove up, yelled, "Bitch, get off my corner," and threw water balloons at me. My boss made me keep working in the soaking wet outfit. FML

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By ohmydog - United States

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has a chipped tooth is because his teeth hit another girl's teeth while kissing her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 14:02

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

Today, my father decided that he "wants to get rich." His method of choice? Bitcoin trading. He's already lost a lot of money, but won't stop, because, "he doesn't listen to haters." FML

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By Disgusted - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. I also found out from her husband that she has her nipples and nether regions pierced. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Nice family you've got there

Today, while chatting with my in-laws, I told them about my upcoming spinal surgery. Soon after, when I went to get us some drinks, I overheard them murmuring about how many surgeries I've already had, how I'm a drain on the healthcare system, and how I should ideally just die. FML

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By Keldar - United States

Today, at the gas station I work a lady called wanting to know the "password" and if I was okay. Thinking it was a prank I hung up. A couple of minutes later she called back, this time asking if I could see the cops outside and telling me I'd be alright. I saw four of 'em. I'd hit the silent alarm by accident. FML

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By Darryl - Australia - Tarragindi

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

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By DUFF - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to my neighbor's funeral, with whom I had been good friends with for a long time. When I asked her husband why, he said, "We have a small amount of money and can't afford for you to eat all of the refreshments." FML

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By thatcreepyteacher - United States - Mchenry

Reported!

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

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By badhabit

Today, I went out with my ex-girlfriend, with whom I have a good friendship with and am in fact still in love. I picked her up at her house and we had a perfect night together that ended with sex in my car. As I dropped her off, she turned to me and said, "I hope you know we're just friends." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montpelier

Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I have an Urinary Tract Infection, causing me to have to use the bathroom about every ten minutes. I'm also about to leave on a 15 hour car trip with my entire family. FML

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By ILTali - United States

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

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By Beantown girl - United States

Today, I was using my boyfriend's phone to call my mom. A text message arrived from "Christina" that said, "Just put the kids to bed, come over." He swears they're only work buddies, but refuses to tell her he has a girlfriend, to avoid making things weird at work. We've been together two years. FML

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By vbscb - Australia

Today, I was babysitting my niece when we decided to play hide and seek. I went in the shed, and waited. After waiting a while, I went to go back inside to see what was happening. I saw my niece had locked all the doors and was eating cookies on the kitchen bench. FML

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Top comments

By jainam | 7

#6225427 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

By feven | 32

#6225422 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:04

Maybe Shrek is trying to tell you something

COMMENTS

By feven | 32

#6225422 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:04

Maybe Shrek is trying to tell you something

JMichael | 25

#6225500 - Sunday 8 March 2015 14:53

That ogres are like onions?

Jason89 | 14

#6225728 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:46

oh i know #25! they stink?

fortune789 | 17

#6225762 - Sunday 8 March 2015 20:24

Get aot of mai swahmp!

Wutdafuqq | 24

#6225888 - Sunday 8 March 2015 23:49

You cannot run from Shrek.
You cannot hide from Shrek.
Shrek will find you.
Shrek is love.
Shrek is life.

xKrisSmoove | 21

#6225960 - Monday 9 March 2015 0:39

Shrek is trying to say "it's not ogre yet"

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6225981 - Monday 9 March 2015 0:52

@63 That is getting to be severely overplayed.

By OnlyAvailableID | 28

#6225423 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:05

I'd imagine you'd be quite ogre it after a while.

By jainam | 7

#6225427 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

Livin_Like_Larry | 29

#6225716 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:36

Why am I not surprised that this is too comment

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6226943 - Monday 9 March 2015 21:20

Shrek is dreck!!

lovebooks07 | 15

#6658550 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 8:48

Noooooooooooo

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6225428 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

I guess you could say it was a 'shrek' day

originaljosh | 11

#6225505 - Sunday 8 March 2015 15:00

Did i miss something here?

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6225654 - Sunday 8 March 2015 18:20

Shrektastic*

By ThatLobster | 24

#6225430 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:12

Why don't you show your parents the 'shrek Is love shrek is life' video and say that's where his behavior is coming from.. ;)

By Steffi3 | 40

#6225431 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:12

At least Shrek does a decent impression of himself

By Classy_Sassy15 | 18

#6225432 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:13

As a big sister of 4 siblings I know exactly how you feel.

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6225434 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:16

50 shades of grey?

Shadowvoid | 33

#6225719 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:38

No, the little mermaid

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6226485 - Monday 9 March 2015 13:46

Actually, it was Jack and Jill.

confusedAsFuck | 34

#6226667 - Monday 9 March 2015 16:32

Don't be stupid, it clearly was Mamma Mia..

robohobosapien | 5

#6227084 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 0:08

You got the wrong color.
It's 50 Shades of Green

By 123ika | 16

#6225435 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:16

It's all ogre now atleast

By HeWhoIsNameless | 8

#6225438 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:17

Casablanca?

B1ackthesun | 31

#6225533 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:17

Don't be stupid. It was clearly Rosemary's Baby

brittaaany_93 | 38

#6225606 - Sunday 8 March 2015 17:25

Damn. I thought it was Titanic!

False_Stupidity | 41

#6225697 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:13

Gremlins?

MrBoredomioo | 18

#6225872 - Sunday 8 March 2015 23:24

the shining

tdawg91 | 17

#6226011 - Monday 9 March 2015 1:22

My money is on "gone with the wind"

BakedTaters | 16

#6226217 - Monday 9 March 2015 5:26

No, it has to be Jaws.

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6226487 - Monday 9 March 2015 13:47

Was it Back to the Future?