Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression,...

By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 19:05 - United States - Brandon

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

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Miscellaneous

Capitalism kills

True hero

Boozehound alert

By Anonymous - 20/6/2019 22:05

Today, I told my boyfriend that eventually I want to get my ears pinned back because I think that they stick out too much. I pulled my hair back to show him, and he said, "Yeah, they're different sizes too, and the left one sticks out more than the right one." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 12:04

This ain't gonna end well

Today, my partner of 5 years and I sat down to talk because I expressed hope for a proposal in near future. He instead believed that we should wait, and talk about a potential future for us in another two years. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2013 17:11 - United States - Romulus

Today, I realized my online dating profile has gotten more views with no picture than it has with my picture. FML

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By Sadboy - 6/4/2012 14:24 - United States

Today, I went to family therapy because my mom wanted the family to be closer. When asked what her biggest disappointment was in life, she turned to me and said, "Having a gay son" then patted my hand, smiled, and said "No offense, honey." FML

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By Alyssa - 28/8/2019 04:00 - United States - Macon

Dirty girl

Today, at church, while everyone was shaking hands and saying, “Peace be with you” to one another, a man took out hand sanitizer and washed his hands after he shook mine. And only mine. FML

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By a man - 13/7/2013 13:20 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML

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By disgusted - 13/12/2015 07:45 - United States - Logan

Today, I confessed to my coworker that I'm interested in her romantically. She turned me down, saying that I'm a great guy, but that she basically doesn't want mixed-race children. She said she isn't racist, though, so I guess it's all okay, right? FML

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By happiestturtle - 8/6/2016 15:21 - United States - Chicago

Today, my mom thought the best way to stop me from taking people to my room was by changing my wallpaper into a nursery-themed one. Now I get to see bunnies, letter blocks and teddy bears all day long. FML

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By haleyfml - 27/10/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I took a shower and right after I fell asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel. I awoke to find my dad slapping me in the face. He thought I had fainted because I'm a diabetic. FML

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By HotACE - 22/4/2011 05:08

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML

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By Jarman - 26/7/2012 05:39 - United States - Columbus

Today, I had to turn down an offer of what seemed like some sexy time with a cute girl because my intestines were bursting with an intense desire to unleash molten lava. I rushed home to squat down, only to let out a disappointingly small piece of crud and a tiny fart. FML

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By xBubbles38 - 18/7/2011 15:17 - United States

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

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By pandasbear - 26/5/2010 08:18 - United States

Today, I went on a first date wearing a new hair color. It was Interior Latex Slate Speckled Grey, from accidentally leaning my head against a wall while house painting earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2012 16:50 - Sweden - Nora

Today, I was walking back to my hotel from the town square, and got lost. I turned back and walked around town for an hour, freaking out and panicking. When I finally found the hotel, I realized it was practically a stone's throw from where I was when I turned around. FML

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By donuts678 - 16/8/2015 23:37 - United States - Passaic

Today, at the camp that I work at, a little girl asked to "feel" my muscles. Thinking it was cute, I flexed for her. She laughed and said, "No, really." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 12:02 - Singapore

Today, my grandfather was counting all the grandchildren he had and saying how fortunate he was to have all of us. When I pointed out that he'd forgotten to count me, he turned and said "You're adopted, you don't count as a real grandchild" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 15:21 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I went to the airport after saying goodbye to my, for some reason, giggling boyfriend. I learnt why he was so cheerful when I opened my purse in front of the guards, only to find pink-furry handcuffs, and a huge dildo. They pretended not to know what it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on Craigslist as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2011 08:19 - Canada

Today, my psycho stepmother and I got into an argument, and she started to get physical. After calling the police, and a cop showing up at the door, he took her side because she said it was "discipline". I'm a 29 year old man. FML

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By Loved - 25/5/2019 16:15

Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, I fed my cats their usual dinner of canned cat food. Without thinking, I put the spoon I had used for their food into my mouth so I could use both hands to rinse the can before recycling it. FML

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By WastedTime - 7/8/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year told me not to walk beside him because people might "think we're together". FML

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By joshua - 25/1/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, I got a call from my younger brother's school to pick him up immediately. He had a test today and had the brilliant idea that by telling everyone he had head lice, he could go home. I had to leave work to pick him up, and now I have to take him to a doctor so they can verify he can go back. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2010 01:49 - United States

Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML

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By Bridget Jones? - 10/6/2013 13:09 - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, I found out that my family has a bet on how long I will be single for. FML

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By - 3/11/2019 20:30

Indebted without work

Today, my husband has to quit his job. 5 months ago, we paid a deposit on a section for our brand new house and the title and mortgage need to be finalized next week. His work is forcing him out because he wanted to do his job safely and to a high standard of workmanship. FML

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By snydeeli000 - 27/10/2015 03:41 - United States - Kent

Today, I learned the hisses of my 3 cats so I can tell who starts the fights. FML

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By dumpedovergame - 6/7/2009 10:51 - United States

Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML

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By Username - 29/5/2014 14:14 - United States

Today, as I was using the public restroom in the mall, someone decided to slam the stall door next to mine. This resulted in my stall door opening while I was still on the toilet. The door was too far for me to reach. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2011 07:24 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 16:46 - United States

Today, I spent three hours getting ready to go out to lunch with my boyfriend, only to find out he meant we're going to the McDonald's inside Wal-Mart so he can also pick up condoms. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 19:10 - Israel

Today, I asked my lazy daughter to go make her bed. She responded by lighting our garbage bin on fire. FML

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By lsta - 4/5/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I donated blood for the first time, and all the nurses kept complimenting on how good my veins were. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in the past 2 months. FML

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By Anonymous Baker - 10/6/2019 04:43

Today, I got a write-up because I told my boss that it was impossible to have pies, which have a bake time of 1 hour, ready for a customer who wanted them in the next 15 to 20 minutes. Then, when the customer got there and the pies were still in the oven, I got a second write-up for wasting time. FML

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By fatty mcfatfuck - 24/6/2020 02:02

Dietitian is the recognized title

Today, I caught my mother-in-law filling my one-year-old's cup with Dr. Pepper. When I flipped out, she told me I was overreacting since "all her kids turned out fine." Save for my husband, all her kids are morbidly obese diabetics who’ve struggled with poor diets. She herself is almost 450 lbs. FML

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By ADD - 11/2/2009 14:59 - Bulgaria

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with "Who the hell are you?" FML

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By Cate - 5/11/2009 10:25 - Australia

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

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By Clueless - 24/5/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, a waiter came up and and put out his hand so I gave him a high five and pounded it. He then says, "Um, that was a nice high five but I wanted your plate." FML

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Top comments

By jainam | 7

#6225427 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

By feven | 32

#6225422 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:04

Maybe Shrek is trying to tell you something

COMMENTS

By feven | 32

#6225422 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:04

Maybe Shrek is trying to tell you something

JMichael | 25

#6225500 - Sunday 8 March 2015 14:53

That ogres are like onions?

Jason89 | 14

#6225728 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:46

oh i know #25! they stink?

fortune789 | 17

#6225762 - Sunday 8 March 2015 20:24

Get aot of mai swahmp!

Wutdafuqq | 24

#6225888 - Sunday 8 March 2015 23:49

You cannot run from Shrek.
You cannot hide from Shrek.
Shrek will find you.
Shrek is love.
Shrek is life.

xKrisSmoove | 21

#6225960 - Monday 9 March 2015 0:39

Shrek is trying to say "it's not ogre yet"

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6225981 - Monday 9 March 2015 0:52

@63 That is getting to be severely overplayed.

By OnlyAvailableID | 28

#6225423 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:05

I'd imagine you'd be quite ogre it after a while.

By jainam | 7

#6225427 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

Livin_Like_Larry | 29

#6225716 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:36

Why am I not surprised that this is too comment

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6226943 - Monday 9 March 2015 21:20

Shrek is dreck!!

lovebooks07 | 15

#6658550 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 8:48

Noooooooooooo

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6225428 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:09

I guess you could say it was a 'shrek' day

originaljosh | 11

#6225505 - Sunday 8 March 2015 15:00

Did i miss something here?

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6225654 - Sunday 8 March 2015 18:20

Shrektastic*

By ThatLobster | 24

#6225430 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:12

Why don't you show your parents the 'shrek Is love shrek is life' video and say that's where his behavior is coming from.. ;)

By Steffi3 | 40

#6225431 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:12

At least Shrek does a decent impression of himself

By Classy_Sassy15 | 18

#6225432 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:13

As a big sister of 4 siblings I know exactly how you feel.

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6225434 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:16

50 shades of grey?

Shadowvoid | 33

#6225719 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:38

No, the little mermaid

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6226485 - Monday 9 March 2015 13:46

Actually, it was Jack and Jill.

confusedAsFuck | 34

#6226667 - Monday 9 March 2015 16:32

Don't be stupid, it clearly was Mamma Mia..

robohobosapien | 5

#6227084 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 0:08

You got the wrong color.
It's 50 Shades of Green

By 123ika | 16

#6225435 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:16

It's all ogre now atleast

By HeWhoIsNameless | 8

#6225438 - Sunday 8 March 2015 13:17

Casablanca?

B1ackthesun | 31

#6225533 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:17

Don't be stupid. It was clearly Rosemary's Baby

brittaaany_93 | 38

#6225606 - Sunday 8 March 2015 17:25

Damn. I thought it was Titanic!

False_Stupidity | 41

#6225697 - Sunday 8 March 2015 19:13

Gremlins?

MrBoredomioo | 18

#6225872 - Sunday 8 March 2015 23:24

the shining

tdawg91 | 17

#6226011 - Monday 9 March 2015 1:22

My money is on "gone with the wind"

BakedTaters | 16

#6226217 - Monday 9 March 2015 5:26

No, it has to be Jaws.

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6226487 - Monday 9 March 2015 13:47

Was it Back to the Future?