Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend....

By Mr Eek - 25/10/2008 16:57

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

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Love

Deep-seated resentment

Workaholic

Not gonna happen

By twinkletoes - 17/9/2012 06:32 - United States

Today, I went to get my nails done for the first time in a while. I don't like to go that much because two of my toes are connected, and I'm very self-conscious about it. The man painting my toes started laughing when he saw them and called all the other employees over to look. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 02:33 - United States

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2013 20:27 - United States

Today, my mom cut off the legs of all my pants, because she says I don't show enough skin for guys. I'm now forced to wear jaggedly cut shorts that barely cover my thighs until I can buy new ones. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2013 20:38 - Netherlands - Mierlo

Today, my drunk dad decided to wake me up by lobbing our cat directly into my now-mauled face. FML

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By lollerskate - 16/1/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, my smoke alarm went off. In a frenzy, I called 9-1-1 and exited my house. Several minutes later a fire truck showed up. After investigating, one of the firemen informed me I needed to change the batteries in my smoke alarm. FML

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By NoBabies - 9/11/2014 04:06 - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

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By assholedad - 21/6/2013 18:05 - United States - Dayton

Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML

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By bleeeaaaaaacccccchhhhhhhh - 21/6/2013 21:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I walked in on my grandma playing with herself. Every time I close my eyes, I see things that no mortal was ever meant to see. FML

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By Andrew - 2/1/2014 23:49 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I sent a message on Facebook to a girl I really like. She replied, "..." It took me three hours to realize she'd actually written it. I thought it was just Facebook telling me she was typing. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2012 01:06 - Canada

Today, I watched "The Vow" with my girlfriend. When the movie ended, we walked out to the theatre's lobby, and I heard her mutter, "I deserve a guy like him." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower I noticed a short, black hair on my loofa. I ignored it and lathered up my entire body with it. When I put it back down, a roach crawled out of it. What I thought was a black hair was in fact its antenna. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2017 15:00

Today, the two government buildings on either side of my apartment both started renovations. It will be about two months of constant banging as they cut and put up the steel on both sites. FML

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By brazo667 - 9/2/2015 23:07 - United States - Fort Stewart

Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "zoinks". FML

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By JennieA - 26/12/2011 23:36

Today, I woke up to all 4 of my wheels stolen from my car. The thieves were kind enough to leave the car resting on wooden blocks and bricks. FML

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By iamlauraheremecry - 27/1/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my power went out due to a huge snow storm. I was in desperate need of candles and flashlights. I had to walk to the store since the roads were closed. I walked 4 miles in the blizzard. When I got home, the power came back on. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 14:01

The Hulk

Today, I was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, meaning that I involuntarily fly into a rage without provocation. It's only controlled by healthy eating and sleeping. I work too much to get any sleep, I don't make enough money to eat well, and my disorder limits my ability to find a job that pays more. FML

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By Allergies suck - 22/11/2016 15:33 - United States - Westport

Today, I had four separate allergic reactions. The first from the pillow at the hotel I was staying at, the second and third from two separate ice cream parlors due to cross-contamination, and the fourth from peanut dust in the air on the plane ride home from my vacation. FML

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By sostupid - 10/10/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, my friend and I drove three hours to attend a U2 concert. We had been psyched about the tickets for weeks because they were awesome seats (my early Christmas present). After a long drive, we get to the venue and I realize in horror that I left tickets at home, on my desk, three hours away. FML

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By lehonj49 - 21/6/2013 16:10 - Australia - Burwood

Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML

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By dregmanhart - 12/1/2017 12:33

Today, I went out for a 20-minute lunch break. When I returned to the office, I noticed that my personal computer was missing. Someone had walked into the suite on the second floor and stole my computer right off its docking station, while a few of my coworkers were still in the office. FML

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By unknown - 2/11/2013 21:10 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, I sat down with my daughter to have the sex talk, because she recently started seeing a guy. I mentioned at one point how disappointed I would be if she got pregnant. She went wide-eyed and asked, "Didn't mom tell you?" FML

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By nograd4mee - 8/12/2010 10:30 - Germany

Today, I held a presentation about my masters thesis. Turns out, my professor never ever actually read the drafts I'd given him, but decided to rip me to pieces in front of everyone, saying that the topic isn't worth researching. I've been working on it for six months. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2016 04:22 - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

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By MrsKSB - 11/11/2010 17:46 - United States

Today, my boss was watching taser pranks online, when he said he was going to "get me". We often take turns playing pranks on each other, and I was the last to prank him. Now I'm terrified to move or turn my back on anything other than a wall at work. FML

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By poorman - 18/11/2013 22:14 - United States - Derwood

Today, I realized that my 5 year old son has more money saved up in his piggy bank than I have in my actual bank account. FML

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By anonymous - 1/12/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

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By Goodyear - 20/1/2014 03:59 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

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By Garcia2284 - 13/9/2018 13:00

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "no" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 08:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 13:31 - United States

Today, I walked into the restroom at work to see my boss standing at the urinal, pissing like a toddler. He had his pants around his ankles, ass fully exposed. Now I'm never going to be able to take anything he says seriously. FML

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By lesousterre - 15/7/2015 18:06 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my grandpa still receives more mail than me. He's been dead for three years. FML

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By swim5 - 31/3/2012 12:22 - United States - Tempe

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML

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By Nator - 9/2/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

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By jsw029 - 26/2/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

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By ughhhh - 3/5/2014 21:10 - United States

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2011 03:19 - Canada

Today, my boss contacted me to come in for a quick meeting. I drove 30 minutes to get to work only to find out she was firing me and wanted my key card back. FML

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By Nawel - 13/12/2008 06:54 - France

Today, I help myself to a piece of a cake brought by guests at a birthday party. I don't like it much so I discreetly attempt to give it to the girl next to me. I ask her "Do you want some? It's sort of disgusting." She replies: "Thanks, I made it." FML

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By Fark - 27/5/2010 22:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a dream I was going the bathroom. I then woke up peeing, but I didn’t wet the bed yet. As I ran to the bathroom while half asleep and in the dark, I rammed into the wall. On my way back to bed, I tripped and accidentally slapped my fiancé in an effort to stop myself from falling over. FML

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By Aric - 8/10/2020 05:01

Thanks Felicia

Today, I arrived at the airport two and a half hours early because I was expecting it to be busy. The line was long but I had plenty of time, until a woman complained about a fee for checked bags. I was next in line, and still managed to miss my flight because the woman caused such a big scene. FML

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By phantomdriver - 24/3/2011 22:51 - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

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Top comments

By UGADAWG34 | 0

#3360 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 14:32

she's a cunt if she leaves you for that...

By SillyAsh | 0

#8104 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:56

I'm sure if she really wanted to be your girl, she wouldn't dump you for farting.
I fart after sex and in the mornings with my boyf. It's not a big deal.

COMMENTS

By UGADAWG34 | 0

#3360 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 14:32

she's a cunt if she leaves you for that...

starwarsguy330 | 0

#2479207 - Sunday 8 May 2011 22:43

totally!

stef108 | 3

#3109204 - Monday 15 August 2011 0:10

Agreed

Dilwann | 27

#5282534 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 14:07

I don't get why people make such a big deal out of farting nowadays >.<

MilkyFilmz | 26

#5512651 - Wednesday 29 May 2013 23:17

I don't really understand either, I mean, EVERYONE does it.

By fuzzbutt | 0

#4232 - Friday 20 February 2009 3:26

My boyfriend and I play the doorknob / safety game all the time!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=safety+game

By SillyAsh | 0

#8104 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:56

I'm sure if she really wanted to be your girl, she wouldn't dump you for farting.
I fart after sex and in the mornings with my boyf. It's not a big deal.

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#4259617 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 23:11

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

samir1996 | 0

#4938800 - Sunday 16 September 2012 21:23

Why do you reply to the OP by replying to one of the comments? I see people doing this all the time and I don't understand it.

robotiick7 | 23

#5797104 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 20:19

94- it's to get their comment up to near the top so it will be noticed

By laurades8 | 0

#15668 - Thursday 5 March 2009 5:19

How long have you even been going out? And not to be mean but seriously, what guy says 'tummy ache' anymore? o.o Besides that. It's no big deal. I'd think it was actually kinda cute. Your human. no getting around that. So don't worry, <3