Love: Today, I introduced my ex-wife to my new girlfriend. They got...

By Michael - United States

Today, I introduced my ex-wife to my new girlfriend. They got along so well that my new girlfriend is going to my ex-wife's house tonight "just to hang out". FML

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popemichael tells us more :

Michael here... I had to introduce the new girlfriend to the exwife when I picked up my kid. My exwife didn't want my son spending the weekend with me and her if she didn't meet her. They did end up sharing things about me. However they claim that if I think that's all they talked about that I'm really conceded. I think I'm more paranoid than conceded, though.

Love

Rock, hard place

Out of it

What did I do?

By WWJD - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and I lustfully requested we try doggy style this time. He responded, "No, Jesus wouldn't like that." FML

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By Meowitzer

Classy Mom

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my cat vomited violently. I can smell it but I can't find it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wahiawa

Today, I went on a run with my crush. She expressed how happy she was to have a decent running partner, because the last one kept complaining he thought he might throw up. We got to the top of the hill and I puked right in front of her. FML

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By thathurt - United States

Today, while shopping at Wal-Mart, a guy grabbed my butt. When I turned around to slap him, he shook his head, said "Nice ass but such an ugly face", then walked away. I've never been told I'm ugly before. FML

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By creepster - Canada

Today, I was hit on by an older man. I rolled my eyes at him and informed him I was 16, hoping that would get him to leave me alone. He shrugged and said, "We're both human." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family and I went Christmas tree shopping. My husband and I were walking around when I saw the perfect tree. Excited, we immediately bought it. When we got home and set it up, I realized it came with a present: termites. FML

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By karaokestar - Canada

Today, I sang my signature tune at a karaoke bar - What A Wonderful World - and I thought I sounded my best yet. After my performance, I went outside to get some air. Then, I got assaulted in the parking lot and ended up going to the hospital. What a wonderful world indeed. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 08:02

Hold the line

Today, I discovered that my work's new phone system automatically takes people off hold the very second you pick up the phone. I discovered this after picking up the phone and complaining to my workmates about the annoying customer I had on the line for a full minute, all while he listened. FML

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By eric - United States

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

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By stupidboss - United States - Bellingham

Today, I got into a car accident with my boss, and he asked if I could come to work the next day. I'm in the hospital and he knows it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML

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By 1ndustrytx - United States

Today, I was awakened by the sound of chain-saws. Moments later a tree branch came through my roof. FML

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By saddened97 - Australia

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was fingering me. After he left, my mum says to me "I wish my sex life was as interesting as yours." She had walked in and we hadn't even noticed. FML

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By BadBribe - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

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By crazystar69 - United States

Today, I was walking with my crush, and I told him how I felt. As soon as I turned to him, a bird shit on my face. FML

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By karmafails - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I was at the supermarket when I saw an elderly lady slip on a wet patch of floor. I ran over to help, and I almost fell too before steadying myself. Then some pimply cockmunch of a teen decided to kick my legs out from under me and walk away while laughing his balls off. FML

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By greg

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

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By Katie - United States

The Bathtub Incident

Today, my little sister took a dump in our bath tub right before we were leaving for soccer practice. When my mom found it, she blamed it on me, then made me pick it up with my bare hands. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my twit of a husband admitted to falling for an internet scam involving a dead foreign politician, the promise of a share in millions of dollars currently stuck in a bank, and him having wired a large amount of our money to "bribe an official". FML

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By Taylor Easley - United States

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

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By johnny121 - France

Today, I had to go to the hospital. While I was there, my mom started hitting on a doctor. Later I saw them making out in the room next to me. FML

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By Is that..? - United States - Aurora

Today, I ran into a good friend at work. I work at a jail. She doesn't. FML

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By The Last Cockbender - United Kingdom - London

Today, a co-worker gave me a couple of CDs he said he wanted me to listen to. I got excited, thinking that they were playlists he'd made for me. They were self-help tracks. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was so tired at the pet store I was working at that I accidentally offered a kid a dog treat instead of their dog. He ate it. While his mom watched. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML

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By scorned_jacketless_lady - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after spending the weekend together, my ex turned nasty. I finally had the balls to tell him what a cruel asshole I think he is and really hit him where it hurts. I felt very empowered and strong. That is, until I realized I left my favourite and rather expensive jacket in his apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 23:01

Fake News

Today, I’m not sure what to call it, but I think I just got COVID-SWATted when a bunch of police turned up to my house after someone told them I was partying with over 50 people, breaking social distancing. In a one-bed flat, with barely enough room for 3 people to sit down at the same time. FML

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By Lennyr - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my first born child. Somehow, my mom and mother in law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother in law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

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By bkeiya - Japan

Today, I saw my train pulling in to the station. I sprinted up the stairs and luckily made the train. I looked around and no one was in my compartment. I began to notice that the train was heading down some tracks I'd never been too. I got stuck on an empty train for 3 hours in the train garage. FML

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By fire1 - United States

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

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By fatty - United States - Gloucester

Today, my parents gave me fat burner pills for my birthday. FML

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By cthulhu help me - United States - Cabot

Today, my boss gave me the task of firing a recently-hired coworker next Friday. This guy spends most of his off-hours working out, probably abusing the fuck out of steroids, and to whom prison is like a bed-and-breakfast. I fear for my life by this point. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months got upset and frustrated with me because he had yet to meet my mom. I'd told him on our first date that she passed away 4 years ago. FML

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By Alisha - United Kingdom

Today, my friends sat me down and said they were concerned I was self-harming. I don't self-harm, I'm just a massive klutz. They don't believe me, and want me to get professional help. And now, because I found it all so funny, they think I'm mentally unhinged. FML

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By dee - United States

Today, I decided to sing a sweet lullaby to my two year old son. In the process, he smacked me in the face and told me to please stop. My sister sings to him all the time and he loves it. FML

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By TheRuleEnforcer - United States

Today, I was hit by a car in a parking lot. The person sped off; I broke three ribs. My parents screamed at me for not getting the driver's info. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jonesboro

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

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Top comments

By popemichael | 8

#302079 - Saturday 13 June 2009 23:37

Michael here...

I had to introduce the new girlfriend to the exwife when I picked up my kid. My exwife didn't want my son spending the weekend with me and her if she didn't meet her.

They did end up sharing things about me. However they claim that if I think that's all they talked about that I'm really conceded.

I think I'm more paranoid than conceded, though.

By xrudeboyrock | 29

#5375533 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 5:34

conceded = conceited?

COMMENTS

By Rockyio | 0

#300833 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:59

Wow...YDI
Did you learn nothing from your first marriage??

happyhak | 5

#987937 - Monday 3 May 2010 10:27

OP, by any chance would you happen to be Ross Geller?

Anextase | 0

#1171703 - Sunday 1 August 2010 17:30

173-Friends reference. WIN. :)

dai1227 | 0

#1183535 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 20:51

y did you introduce them you chode she is your EX wife

THEmuffinpan | 0

#1631220 - Sunday 31 October 2010 8:09

you are SUPER hot.

cayytee | 0

#4353956 - Wednesday 25 April 2012 17:14

well it makes sense since you like the company of both women they are probably similar.

By iBimmer | 0

#300835 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:00

YDI, dunno why, but you definitely deserve it.

first!

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#300836 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:00

There going to make sweet passionate lesbian love you better stop them!!!

Rawr100 | 0

#3007239 - Sunday 31 July 2011 8:52

or record it

By swiperluck | 0

#300839 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:01

dude... get in between. Get off the computer, this could be awesome night for you

Justforlolz | 14

#1085248 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 18:33

#4 Lol agreed! Threesome time. who doesn't want to be there?

F3n0m | 0

#1105938 - Sunday 18 July 2010 9:53

YAYUH!!! giggity giggity

By manunited93 | 0

#300852 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:03

YDI for having an ex wife.

SPC117 | 5

#5333642 - Monday 21 January 2013 19:19

You. Shut up.

Epickitty58 | 29

#6255864 - Wednesday 8 April 2015 2:58

I'm sorry, this is just a really stupid comment. Half of all people who got married in the US have an ex-wife or ex-husband. Don't act like a fucking moron on the Internet. Or in public. Or ever. People will point out your stupidity. It's what we do best. we enjoy it.

By nike1 | 0

#300853 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:04

#4, agree!

By redbluegreen | 40

#300855 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:04

Oh, they're gonna share all their dirty little secrets they have about you, make fruit smoothies, paint each other's nails, and then have passionate girl-on-girl sex. You don't want to be there for that...

maelissa1 | 0

#3800755 - Thursday 29 December 2011 0:53

Don't forget the pillow fight! ;o

By dannii_x | 0

#300863 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:06

Why did you introduce your "new" girlfriend to your ex wife so soon? YDI.

By Ocilator | 0

#300864 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:06

Dude....you NEVER intro an ex to a current...thats just retarded YDI

By zachman3334 | 0

#300869 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:07

#2 fails.